Many Things

Well, I found a minute this morning! The wonderful thing about my job is that people get a hell of a lot more frantic about things than they need to. Honestly, I switched with Kelly (this was supposed to be my morning with Bailey) so that I could come in early and get thing done...but then I got here and it only took my about an hour to make it all happen. *sigh*

I am leading New Associate Orientation this morning - and I'm a little nervous. It's not that I don't know how to do it, but the big dark secret that I carry around with me is that I'm scared to death of being in the spotlight. I hide it well, but really, I'd rather be behind the the scenes. But, part of my new job is going to be doing these orientations, so I need to get used to it. Once I've done it a couple of times and have a system, I'll be fine.

Anyway...

The adoption on Friday was absolutely incredible. My mom talks about family of origin versus family of choice and how when you "grow up" the family that you choose is often not your family of origin. While Kelly and I still happily call our families of origin our family, we realized on Friday that we now have a family of choice, as well. Monica, Susanne and their little boy Danny, and our wonderful, wonderful neighbor (who is so much more than a neighbor now) Karen came with us to the adoption. As I stood there, holding Bailey and listening as the judge pronounced Kelly a legal parent of Bailey, I felt like bursting with love for the people who had chosen to witness such an important day in our lives.

Monica, Susanne, Danny and Karen - thank you. Thank you for recognizing the importance of this event and for taking the time out of your lives to be there with us. I cannot begin to tell you what it means to all three of us to have each one of you in our lives. We love you...

It's funny - I don't think that either one of us anticipated that the adoption would mean so much or be so important. But it was. It felt more special to me than the moment of her birth. Perhaps that is because this was the moment when the three of us are irrevocably bound to one another. Bound without fear of other people trying to separate us. Forever, Bailey is Kelly's daughter. No one can ever take her from Kelly, and it turns out that the moment that happened was really important. I'm not sure how to put it in words. It was a feeling, and one that I'll never forget.

The other really big thing that has happened is that I've now been on Prozac for about a week and a half. I absolutely cannot begin to tell you what an improvement I've seen in myself in just this week. Honestly, I feel like my life has turned 180 degrees. I didn't realize just how horrible I was feeling - how useless, hopeless and disgusting. Honestly, I felt like the worst parent possible and, even worse, I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Not because of Bailey, but because I felt like I was such a failure and I felt guilty that I was subjecting her to my horrible parenting skills. I can't come up with the words to describe how hard the past three and half months have been for me.

Postpartum depression is horrible. Not just because of the way it made me feel, but because it caused me to get mired in those horrible feelings of depression. I felt like it was pointless to try to get help, because I was such a shitty mother/person/partner anyway. I've never felt so bad about myself or my life.

I finally sought pharmaceuticals help because of Kelly. I asked Kelly one night if she thought I needed to take drugs. Kelly, with all her bold honesty, looked me straight in the eyes and told me that she thought I did because for her, it was more difficult dealing with me than with Bailey. I realized that, wrapped up in that comment, was three months of her frustration and worry about my mental state. I also realized that I wasn't just tumbling into my black hole of depression alone...I was dragging the two people I love the most in this world with me. And THAT is something I wasn't willing to do.

So, I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me Prozac. It's a low dose, but it's made all the difference in the world. I think that I can speak for both Kelly and I when I say that the differences are like night and day. I found myself dancing in the kitchen the other day. I know that sounds silly, but it's something that I used to do all the time. Recently, I haven't felt like doing much of anything, let alone dancing. But now, I feel lighter. Things just don't feel so fucking heavy all the time. I don't feel like a shitty parent. I don't feel like a shitty partner. I feel like a new mom, a partner with a new baby and like I am part of a pretty good team. I feel like I have something to contribute to our family. I don't feel like a burden to Kelly. I don't feel like the thing that Bailey will have to overcome in her life.

Honestly, I feel like me again. I smile, I laugh. When Bailey is fussy, I can handle it. When Kelly is moody, I can handle it. When I'm moody, it's just moody - not the horrible, bone-crushing sadness that it has been recently. The daily tasks are just that - tasks that need to get done, but nothing to panic about. Everything, everything, everything is 100% better.

And, it shows in all parts of our lives. Kelly and I actually enjoy each other these days. I'm her partner again, her wife, the girl she fell in love with. Bailey is so much more laid back, now that I'm not so strung out. Even the cats are happier. It's as if our entire life has breathed a sigh of relief.

I have learned some very valuable lessons about myself. I will NEVER mess with postpartum depression again. In fact, I will probably bottle feed all of our children so that I can get on antidepressants immediately after birth. I've realized how much impact I have on my family. That old say is true - when Momma's not happy, nobody is happy! But now, I'm back to good. We are back to good.