Happy 3 Months, Bailey!

Today is our Bailey's three month birthday!!! I cannot believe that it's already here, and yet it seems like she's been around forever. I think everyone says that, huh? We are going to celebrate on Saturday evening with some homemade cupcakes! If you're in the area and want to drop by, feel free!

In other very exciting news, Bailey rolled over for the first time yesterday! We were at the doctor's office and she was in her diaper. I put her onsie above her head, and she wanted to reach it. She just kept craning her neck around and pulling her hips and legs with her. Over she went! She was as surprised as I was!!!! It was a very excited moment in what was a very difficult day.

According to the doctor, nothing is wrong with Miss. B. Her very low-grade fever is not an issue. She might have some kind of small virus, but nothing to be worried about. She really is okay. She slept much better last night, and Kelly reported that she seemed happy this morning. No more diarrhea and she ate just fine. So...that's good!

As for my appointment last night. It sucked. Quite simply put, everyone (including a therapist who is supposed to specialize in "women's issues") wants to make my issues about the stress I feel over having a difficult baby. I'm not sure how to get across to people that THE PROBLEM IS NOT BAILEY!!!! Yes, she's difficult. Yes, she's fussy. Yes, Kelly and I are stressed and stretched pretty thin right now. All of that is true. But what I'm feeling is beyond all of that. Kelly is in the same situation that I am in, but she doesn't dream about leaving her child. She doesn't have horrible feelings of regret. She doesn't internalize every mistake and blame herself for the things that can't get done. She doesn't lay there at night and cry herself to sleep.

Those things are not within the realm of normal stress. I truly believe that this is a hormonally driven imbalance. In other words, postpartum depression!!!!!

I am not ashamed to admit when I need some help. I'm not ashamed that I might find comfort and relief from this via drugs. I'm not upset that this is my reality. I want to be a better mother and a better partner. I want to feel okay. I'm willing to do what it takes to make that happen. My goal with going to talk therapy was to supplement the drugs that I'm hoping to get on, not find a way to blame the feelings I'm having on something other than a hormonal cause.

So, my appointment sucked. I'm going to make an appointment with my primary doctor for sometime really soon to get put on antidepressants (or whatever they prescribe for postpartum depression). I have faith that will help.

I know that this is not my fault. I know that my feelings of guilt and inadequacy are normal, given my situation. I know that I don't have to feel this way. I know that I will get through this. And I know that the problem is not my daughter and not my wife.

Speaking of my wife - thank you, honey, for being so supportive and helping me through this. I couldn't do this without you. I love you with all my heart...