Unbelievable...

Well, today marks two months since our Bailey made her appearance into this world and our lives. I am absolutely astounded by the changes that have occurred - in me, in us, in her. It seems like every surface, every texture, every sight, every sound has changed...even those that were seemingly untouched by her presence. My vision has changed. The world is no longer in shades of pink and purple, but rather a blend. There is threat out there that I never conceived of before I was tasked with keeping our child safe. There is beauty that I couldn't have ever wondered at if I had not been blessed with the kind of pure love that Bailey has brought us. My everything is different. There is no longer a "me" without Bailey and there never will be again. There is no longer an "us" without our child. There is no longer a world where the very core of it isn't this child and this life that we are providing for her.

The enormity of it all leaves me breathless. Scared almost, but then I remember that I'm someone's rock. Kelly and I are the sum total of what makes Bailey's life safe and secure. We cannot fail...and we won't. Never have I felt so weak or so strong. Parenting is the ultimate paradox.

It's the little things. Today, for Bailey's morning nap, I have laid her down in her crib. This is the first time that I've done that. She's only been in her crib one other time while I was working in her room, and she was awake. I was trying to entertain her then, and now I'm trying to get her to sleep. And she fell asleep immediately. She's in there now, covered with a blanket, safely enclosed by her positioner so that she doesn't role over, with her binky in her mouth, sound asleep. In her own bed. In her own room.

As happy as I am about this (she needs to be comfortable in a crib, since that is where she'll sleep at daycare), it makes me sad. Already, she starts to need me less as she grows. I know, I know...it will change and she's only 8 and half weeks old. But still. As much as I've needed my space, I feel empty when I get it. It's strange. It's an experience that I've never had before and honestly, I struggle within each moment to know how to cope.

I can almost hear Kelly right now (or Kelly's mom, actually) telling me to just relax and enjoy the moments. Enjoy each one of them. But that isn't me. I take each emotion out and examine it. I roll it around and figure out where it fits and how to describe it. Very, very rarely do I ever just sit and enjoy something. I'm inquisitive and I want to know where the emotions fit in the pattern of my life.

Now, I can see Kelly smiling. She, of everyone else in this world, understands that about me the most.

I can see myself in Bailey more and more. It's profound to see myself reflected back. It's odd to see traits of myself in a person who is not me. It's funny to see how those characteristics play out and combine with those that are uniquely Bailey. What's really incredible for me is that already, I can see Kelly in Bailey. There are moments when Bailey looks at me and it's like Kelly is staring at me. Sometimes when I'm playing with Bailey, she just watches me with this slightly amused expression on her face. It's the same expression that Kelly gets when I'm dancing around the kitchen or doing something crazy to get her attention. I love Bailey the most in those moments...if it's possible to quantify a love that has no end.

I think the thing that is the most different is that I am no longer the biggest person in this house. I'm no longer the most important. For someone like me, that's hard. It was even harder to accept that the source of most of my struggle was jealousy over the kind of attention that Bailey commands from everyone. Human emotion is intense, and the stuff that comes out of me is generally more intense than most. I don't take a backseat very well. It's taken me this long to realize/figure out/remember that for now (forever?) Bailey will be our first priority. And then her sibling. It will be years until it's just me and Kelly again...and even then, every parent I know says that it never ends. It's amazing, really, these changes.

So this is long and rambling. I'm able to do it because she's sleeping in her crib, on her own. I should go...shower, clean up, do laundry, prep dinner while I have my hands free. The endless list of chores still needs to be done.

Have a happy day, everyone!