I could go on and on about how exhausted Kelly and I are. I could talk for a million years about how difficult it is to parent a child as active and as engaged as Bailey. I could scream, I could cry, I could beg for a break and still nothing will change the reality.
Kelly and I are in this thing and we're both stretched as tight as we can go. The only reason that we haven't broken yet is that we have each other and we have a daughter that needs us. We collapse into bed at night and take a few deep breaths, hold hands and fall asleep. It's not enough to keep our relationship going, but for now it'll have to do. It's all we've got for each other.
I spent a good part of the weekend crying. Kelly would have too, if she were a cryer. It's shitty to feel like the greatest thing we've ever done is the most difficult. It's hard to be this strung out. It's hard to keep doing it, even when the self-protection instinct says to just run away.
And blah, blah, blah. I've said it all before. It's gotten old. I'm sick of saying the same things. I'm sick of feeling the same things. We need a break, but 2 hours isn't enough time to rejuvenate, and we have no family here.
So, for now, I'm going to enjoy watching our beautiful daughter swing beside me and start to wake up. I'm going to savor each peaceful, easy moment in an effort to make the difficult ones a little easier. I'm going to hug Kelly more, and try to forgive myself for what I perceive to be my failings as a mother and partner.
I think that all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep waiting for the day when it gets just a little bit easier.
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I just want to say how much I related to this post and remembered how hard it was early on. Especially when Bliss was screaming 16 hours a day and I was told it was colic over and over. The thing I most want to get through to you is that things will change. I am not saying it gets easier but it gets different, and in a way that is easier. It isn't the same stresses and worries, so it is new and not so "building up" as it would be if it never changed. You will get through it. Do the cliches, for they truly do work, sleep when she sleeps whenever possible, shower with her if possible, sleep in shofts to relieve each other if need be. This stage is really quite short but feels very long, sleeping in shifts for a few weeks if need be is worth it, just make plans for two week stints at most. Two days if need be.
Bliss had silent reflux and it took months before it was diagnosed, by me from help from an online friend, I was sure I would lose my mind during those months of his inconsolable pain, but we got through it, the two of us and it made me stronger knowing I had kept with it and helped him through it. You are great mama's and will get through it too, just know you are not alone.
Much love and peace.
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