The Last Week

The last week begins. I have five more days to be the primary care giver of my daughter.

I have mixed feelings...but not the ones you'd probably expect.

I have no doubt that Bailey is going to be just fine in child care. I went to child care, and I still bonded to my mother. I was fine. I have no physical or mental disorders because of it. Like anything, I have no doubt that it will be an adjustment for all three of us, and her first couple of weeks will probably be very difficult for all of us...but overall, she's going to be just fine.

My mixed feelings are this weird combination of excitement and guilt. I'm actually excited to be going back to work. I'm happy that I won't be her primary caregiver anymore. Not because I don't enjoy it (I do) but because I am so ready for there to be some Mikki that doesn't include Bailey. I am ready to have some of my individuality back. And, man, that makes me feel guilty!!!!

I feel like I'm supposed to be all broken up about taking our child to be cared for by other people...but I'm just not. Kelly is definitely struggling. She worries more than I do about Bailey in general, and she's worried about the transition for her. She will have much more time with Bailey without me around (which is a great thing...but like everything else, it's an adjustment). More than that, we both recognize that with the addition of an entire full time job, our lives are about to shift into super warp drive.

After this week, all the house cleaning, shopping and basic care for our home is going to have to take place on the weekends...which is also the only time that we'll have to spend as a family. I'm going to try to squeeze a lot of it into the mornings when I'm here with Bailey, but who knows if that will actually work out.

Either way, we're about to get super busy. If we though our relationship took a hit when Bailey came along, it's about to take another severe beating. Do you know how hard it is to try to be intimate, have conversation, be adults together when all you really want to do is roll over and fall asleep? We haven't gotten to that horribly snippy point with each other (we've been lucky that way, I think), but we have both noticed that our time together is almost gone. There are a lot more quick kisses, and a lot fewer lingering hugs.

I guess that is to be expected...but like I've said, it's an adjustment.

I'm looking forward to warp speed. It's how I work the best. I perform well under stress. The challenge for me is going to be letting go of my need for everything to be my way and just let our life happen. It's going to be more important to get quality time with my wife and daughter than it is that the house be spotless every day. I'm just going to need to remember that.