Having a child is truly wonderful. Bailey is a joy - even when she's been screaming for hours and is absolutely miserable. I love being Momma. I love sharing this experience with my partner. Most importantly, I wouldn't trade it or change it for anything.
With that said, in the last couple of days, I've been missing Mikki. I'm Momma now...all the time. My identity is completely wrapped up in that of our daughter - I am not able to separate myself from her needs or extricate myself from her shadow.
I know that this is normal. Hell, it's even good. I know that parenting is about letting go of yourself in part and making way for the life of your child. But I'm grieving the loss of my freedom a bit. I have some of that restlessness that I used to get in college. That need for excitement and energy.
If I could, I would go out dancing. I'd love to just lose myself in loud music for a few minutes. I'd love to feel sexy, and dance with my wife. I'd love to drink just a little too much, and come home and sleep for 12 hours after. There is part of me aching for the freedom of being childless.
I'm sure this is normal. In fact, I'd feel weird if I wasn't feeling it. I mean, after all, there is always loss inside great gain. All aspects of human emotion exist, and they must coexist or we are not truly feeling the experience. I can both love this life that I'm living right now, and miss the one that I have given up in order to be where I am.
I know that this is the extreme time. We'll find a way to incorporate who we "used" to be into our new identities of Mommy and Momma. Right now, our child is very young and needs constant attention. Eventually, it won't be that extreme. Eventually, our bed will be ours again and not a family sleeping arrangement. Eventually, Bailey will be old enough to spend a couple of hours away from us and we'll do something that reminds me of who I was before I was Momma.
I'm not unhappy. I'm just acknowledging that within this incredible experience, there is some loss.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Andrew is over 3 months old and we keep looking at each other and saying "things are different now. he's never going away. we are his parents from now on."
It's so weird and still hasn't totally set in. How we are defined as people has completely changed.
Mikki,
You are in the always and never part of child rearing--"It will always be this way, I will never get the sleep, dancing, time alone, . . I need."
Well, it does get better and you will get yourself back. But, just in case you wondered, I find that I turn around to answer when I hear a child call out "Mommy" in a store or on the street--and my children are 40 and 35!
It's really great to hear this. Our baby is due in November, and I am a planner. I want to know what's going to happen so I can prepare myself. My wife is always at ease and just deals with things as they come along. So thank you for your honesty! :)
Post a Comment