For the first time in weeks, I actually have a pretty busy day today. My boss is returning from vacation, which means I'll spend some time helping her get caught up. I've got CLE application to prepare out the wazoo (don't worry...it barely means something to me...and it's my job!), I've got to update the assignment book and at lunch Kelly and I are going shopping for some clothes for our photo shoot tomorrow.
Tonight, I need to (actually want to) grocery shop and go to Target. We also need to wash clothes and at some point sleep and eat.
Tomorrow is the photo shoot in the morning and then we have the car seats installed in the afternoon.
Sunday we were going to go to M&S's home for Easter dinner, but Kelly has to work. She's up against a deadline and with our birth looming before us, she doesn't want to run the risk of not getting it all done.
This has been a hard week for both of us. Last night, as I was laying in bed, I realized that I was so freakin' stressed out I could just cry. I feel like we haven't stopped in weeks. Between the painting and the gardening and finishing the nursery and maintaining everything else that needs to get done, I'm just exhausted. It doesn't help that I'm so worn out from being pregnant.
I get that the pregnancy needs to continue and that I need to find some zen place for the next couple of weeks...but damn. I'm tired of being pregnant. I'm tired of my feet hurting, my back aching and carrying around a bunch of weight. I'm frustrated that my hands and wrists hurt constantly and that the simplest tasks require more work than I ever thought possible. It's not so much that I want Bailey to be born...I just want a break from carrying her. LOL!
The biggest frustration of this whole experience is trying to work. It's impossible to even pretend like I give a shit at work these days. I just don't. I want to go home. I commute an hour in to work each day and then spent about an hour and a half coming home. I get up at 4 AM every morning just to be here early so that I can leave before the horrible rush hour traffic. I get home at night, exhausted and still have to think about feeding us. Then my kitchen is messy and I need (this really is a need) to do the dishes and make it nice. And then it's 7-7:30 and I've got maybe an hour before I need to sleep. It leaves no time to focus on anything else - so my weekends are completely jammed up with doing everything that I can't do during the week.
It's the middle-class squeeze. It really is. It's not just about the money - our life needs two incomes and part-time work would not provide the health care benefits that I need. It's about time. But to buy time, you really do have to have extra money. Kelly and I could hire a cleaning service to come in once every couple of weeks. That would save me from having to do the bathrooms and the floors. We could. But there are other things that we want to use our money on...like saving for retirement and having enough to take a family vacation each year. Plus, it's going to cost us $2000 in the next couple of months just for the adoption fees. I could buy some time...but who really has the extra money??
Anyway. It's not that big of a deal. I need to find a way to just relax and be okay with my life. I'm stressed out right now, and emotional and hormonal and everything always feels more overwhelming when I'm in this place. Kelly is doing a great job getting me through this part and in a few weeks, I'll not be pregnant anymore. I'll have a whole new set of challenges...but at least I'll be able to bend over again!
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2 comments:
I can only commiserate about the middle class squeeze and time constraints. BUT. I can tell you that even if nothing changes and you still have too much to do in too little time, once you have the kid to look at you will be over the moon and the bad stuff will fade quite a bit. Our DD is now 6 mos old, and we tend to be awash with joy whenever we are in her presence. Hang in there - you are almost to the reward part!
Oh sweetie - I can't believe you're still struggling along at work you poor thing! There's no way I could still be working now and we're at the same stage. I'm struggling with just pottering around at home!
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