We're Ready

Well, we've cleaned everything, picked up my mother, made arrangements with Kelly's mom, stepdad and aunt, pre-made meals enough to last a long time, gotten sleep, gotten organized and are officially READY for Bailey...

It's about 12:30. In 3 1/2 hours, we'll check into the hospital. The next time we leave, it will be with our daughter!!!!

We'll have a friend log on and let everyone know how it goes and that we are all healthy. I'll blog as soon as a I can with pictures when I get home!

Ass Kicking

Today, I have dusted everything in the downstairs (family room, living room, dining room and kitchen), vacuumed and mopped all the hardwood floors, vacuumed all the furniture, made mini loaves of banana bread for the hospital, done all the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, and mopped the kitchen floor. Kelly has mowed the lawn, mulched the trees, fertilized the lawn, vacuumed the stairs, made a trip to Home Depot to get me petunias, and put furniture pads on the furniture. In just a few minutes, we are going to shower and sit down to watch a movie.

Think it's possible that we're nesting??? LOL - the instinct doesn't change when the birth is induced, apparently.

We are enjoying our last days of childlessness. My mom comes in tomorrow morning. We will pick her up at around 8 AM and have about a day and a half to just chill out and get ready for Bailey.

It's possible, of course, that Bailey will decide to come on her own before that. I'd really like it if that happened, but honestly, I'm ready for whatever comes. As with everyone else who has given birth, we eventually come to grips with what our labor is going to look like, what it turns out to be and how it differs from what "perfection" would look like.

I have no illusions that Kelly and I are going to be perfect parents. I don't expect that our birth will be perfect. I don't think that we will have every dream that we've ever envisioned come true.

What I do know is that together we will have the birth that we are meant to have. As long as she is by my side, it will be perfect for us. Because anything shared with her is perfect. And something this magical - the birth of our first child - could never be "wrong" or "less than".

I am ready. Kelly is ready. Bailey is ready (hmmm...I guess some could argue this point). Soon, we'll all be together...

Bumped...

We got bumped! Two of our doctor's other patients need to have inductions for medical reasons on Monday, so we are bumped until Tuesday! That means that we'll go in Monday night for the Cervadil and then start Pitocin on Tuesday morning...

I wonder if she'll decide to come on her own before then...

Lord knows, Kelly is doing everything in her power to make it happen early...LOL!

Getting Ready

I spent yesterday cleaning. Today, I am going to clean some more. I have just a little bit of cooking left to do.

We are so close. I can hardly believe it. It seems like a dream...literally.

I can't wait to hold her, smell her and stare at her. The minutes feel like hours and the days are even longer.

I am so happy.

It's Set

Sunday, April 29, 2007 at 4:00 PM, I will be admitted into our hospital. The next morning, I will be induced with Pitocin.

Hopefully, at some point on April 30th or May 1st, our daughter will be born!

All I have to say is HOLY HELL!

All my dreams are coming true...how did I ever get so lucky?????

How do you spell relief?

Obviously, it's "i-n-d-u-c-t-i-o-n"! Last night, I slept great. I poppped out of bed at 4:45 to make Kelly's lunch and get her on her way to work. I had some cereal and then decided to try to go back to bed for a while. Sometimes this works, and I'll actually fall asleep for another hour or so.

This morning, I crawled into bed at 5:45. When I cracked my eyes open again, it was 9:00 AM!!!!! I had not even woken up to pee or anything. HOLY HELL!!! I haven't slept this well in months. It must be that I'm not stressed like I was yesterday.

Honestly, you never really know how heavy something is weighing on you until the pressure is relieved. I guess I just didn't realize that I was so strung out about continuing to wait, about the money, about the blood pressure. About everything.

Now, I have a date. A time is on the way (they are scheduling with the hospital right now and will call me back). We hold our daughter on April 30th...or May 1st at the latest.

Goodness...I'm not sure when I've ever been more excited. Oh wait - yes - I was this excited the day that Kelly proposed to me. For all the same reasons. It's the start of such a wonderful, wonderful chapter in our lives. A whole new way of being in the world and in our relationship.

God...I feel like I could bust wide open with happiness.

Looming Induction

For a number of reasons, Kelly and I have decide to induce labor on Sunday evening. I'll be heading into the hospital on Sunday night (not yet sure of the time, but it'll be in the evening sometime), where they will insert a suppository of cervadil (this could be the wrong spelling) into my cervix. This will "ripen" my cervix - or hopefully this will ripen my cervix. The goal is to get my cervix to soften more than it has already so that when they do the actual induction, the contractions will actually dilate my cervix.

I'll be spending Sunday night in the hospital. This is pretty much a wasted night, because all that is happening is the cervadil sitting up there doing its thing. Kelly will stay at home Sunday night (because the labor rooms do not have an extra bed and she will need to be rested on Monday).

Monday morning, they will start a Pitocin IV drip. Hopefully, this will be the start of labor.

There is no guarantee that this will work. At my appointment today, the doctor could "almost" fit a full finger into my cervix and he could "just barely" feel Bailey's head. In other words, she's not really even close to making this happen. Additionally, my blood pressure was up again - not much, but enough that it becomes a concern for them. Next week I will be a full 40 weeks pregnant, and there is very little benefit to continue the pregnancy.

Of course, the insurance situation plays a large role as well. We can't keep me out of work without a paycheck for much longer. I hate that the financial situation has to be a part of the decision at all, but the reality is that it does. We are not a wealthy couple and we do not have endless resources. Honestly, the financial reality and the stress that it brings is just as important as the health reasons to induce.

All of those things have combined to make an induction the right decision for us. We are ready to make this happen and Bailey is pretty close (if not completely ready).

If the cervadil and pitocin do not work, I will have to have a C-section. At this point, I am willing to accept the risk. Kelly has always supported whatever decision I make, and I am to the point now where this needs to happen. Hopefully, we won't have to bring Bailey into this world via surgical methods, but if we do...so be it. The goal is to get her here and for the three of us to walk out of the hospital healthy and together.

Wading Through Cold Honey

Have you ever thought about how horrible it would be to be chest deep in ice cold honey? Think about how sticky it would be, how difficult to navigate and how incredibly frustrating the entire experience would be. That is how I'm feeling today.

I woke up this morning at 2:45 with some severe back cramping. At least, that is what it felt like. It went away and came back in a pretty steady rhythm for about three hours. I was so convinced that it was the start of labor that I woke Kelly up and had her stay at home for a while. At around 6:o0 AM, I fell asleep. When I woke up about 25 minutes later, all manner of any pain had stopped. Since then, nothing. Except one seriously active baby. Bailey is definitely excited about something...LOL.

I, on the other hand, and less than excited. Frankly, I'm mentally tired. Physically, I'm holding up alright. I'm actually still feeling pretty good. All of my normal body functions are working as they should, I'm sleeping relatively well and my appetite is normal. I'm able to walk around, move about as I want to, and all manner of extreme swelling has gone away since I stopped working.

All told, I'm doing okay. Except my head is just a mess. I'm ready to not be pregnant and I'm really struggling with the wait. Kelly is picking up on my anxiousness, or I'm picking up on hers. Not sure which. Either way, we are both on pins and needles waiting for this to happen.

The insurance situation is still up in the air. I call back every day, but so far I've not gotten any news. I'm really hoping that I hear something before Friday. If not, we have to induce on Monday. Financially, we are in a situation where we cannot risk it if they deny the claim. So, that is weighing on my mind.

The baby shower yesterday was wonderful! We had California Tortilla catered in, yummy chocolate cake and absolutely divine gooey chocolate brownies. We got lots of wonderful gifts and had a great time enjoying the party. It was very, very sweet and we felt so blessed. Now, we have a whole new batch of stuff to wash and put away! That part is always so much fun...

Today, we have our weekly check up. I'm hoping to hear that we've made some positive progression forward, but am not holding my breath. I can't hope too much, or I'll be too disappointed.

I'll post this afternoon and let you all know how the appointment goes!

Another Baby Shower

Needless to say, yesterday I didn't do all the cooking I thought I would. I've been dealing with this horrible cold for about a week now and yesterday it seemed to kick my ass all over again. I was able to get the sauce made and then pan of stuffed peppers finished. This morning, I am going to make the lasagna and Mexican fiesta casserole since both of them are pretty easy.

I have to leave to go into the city for a baby shower at Kelly's work later this morning! I'm very excited...but I can't give any details! Kelly doesn't know the specifics...only that a baby shower is happening! I'll let you all know how it goes when I get home. The shower is at 11:30...

Also, today is my 28th birthday. It's funny, because for the first time ever, I feel older than my age reflects. My goal was to be at this point in my life by the time I was 33. I alway said that I wanted my first child to be born by the time I turned 33, and if I didn't have a partner at the time, I would do it on my own. Well here we are - we own a home, we have a baby very soon on the way, we've been together for a long, long time. It's weird...I feel like I should be Kelly's age (she's 32...hehehehe).

Anyway - my love brought home cupcakes last night and sang to me and gave me the sweetest card. We don't do "big" on our birthdays usually (I threw her a big party on her 30th...but hell...that's what you do when someone turns 30!!!). Our gifts to each other this year were the pregnancy pictures we had taken a couple of weeks ago and the newborn photos we are having done when Bailey is born. This year...it's all about Bailey.

I'm off to cook and get ready for the day. I'm feeling good this morning, but no closer to having a baby than I was yesterday. Uggg. I'm trying to stay positive - I really am. It's hard, but I'm trying.

Recipes (As Requested)

Kate - here are the recipes you requested! We should all get together sometime...I'm intrigued to know that there is another radical feminist turned domestic goddess out there! We are few and far between, I think...

Anyway - here you go:

Mexican Fiesta Casserole
1 Package Corn Tortillas
2 cans vegetarian refried beans
2 cups fat free cottage cheese
1 egg
2 small cans (or 1 large can) green chiles (drained)
8 oz 75% fat free cheddar cheese
8 oz low fat montery jack cheese

Slice all the corn tortillas into strips, approximately 1 inch wide and then set aside. In a small bowl, mix the cottage cheese, egg and chiles and then set aside. Put the refried beans in a small bowl and heat slightly. You want to be able to mix these and create a "spreadable" paste. It's fine to add a little water if they are too thick. Set aside. Grate both cheese and blend together. Spray the bottom of an 8x8 pan lightly with nonstick spray. Put a thin layer of beans on the bottom. Begin layering the ingredients in this order: Tortillas, beans, cottage cheese mixture, cheeses. Do this as many times as it takes to fill the pan or you run out of ingredients. You want to be sure to end up with cheese on the top!

Bake at 375 for approximately 45 minutes. If you want to freeze the dish, do so before cooking! You'll want to bake it at 375 for about 1 and 1/2 hours if baking from frozen.

When it comes out of the oven, it'll be very goopy and gooey. If you have the patience to let it sit and cool for about 20-25 minutes, it'll be a lot less goopy. We just spoon it into bowls and enjoy! It's great with fresh tomato or salsa on top. If you like it more spicy, throw in some jalapeños!

Chicken Pot Pies
Vegetarian Chicken Product (I use Quorn Naked Cutlets or Morning Star Chicken Strips)
1 bag of frozen peas and corn mixed (you could also do a mixture that had carrots if you wanted)
1 potato
1 package mushrooms
1/2 cup chopped onions
1 cup frozen green beans
(with the veggies - everything is optional and what you like. Also, the recipe would be just fine with fresh veggies...you'd just want to prepare them before you put them in the mixture)
1/4 cup butter
1/3 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
1 teaspoon dried parsley
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
2 cups vegetable broth
3/4 cup milk

First, prepare everything. Any froze vegetable should be cooked until just tender (a little "underdone"). The potato should be peeled diced and then boiled until it is no longer crunchy, but still holds it's shape firmly. Chop the mushrooms and onions and set them to the side. Dice the chicken into small bite-sized pieces. Measure out all ingredients, because once you get started, you can't stop (you'll be stirring constantly).

In medium/large saucepan, cook mushrooms and onions in butter until tender. Stir in flour, thyme and pepper. Add vegetable broth and milk all at once and stir continuously until thick and bubbly (this may actually feel like it's not thick enough, but remember, you are going to add a ton of veggies and chicken...it will get much thicker!). Add all remaining veggies and chicken. Continue to stir and cook until the mixture comes back to a boil.

Remove from heat.

Here is where the variation comes in. You can put this into a pie plate or a casserole pan and cover with a pie crust (either store bought or homemade). What I do is make individual servings by using the foil mini-loaf pans (you can get five per package in the grocery store). This recipe makes four of them mini-loaf size and it serves nicely as a hearty meal. If you go this route, spoon the mixture into the pans.

I also do not use a pie crust - instead I use Pillsbury biscuits. If the mixture is just made, all you need to do is open one of the small cans of biscuits (with six small biscuits in it). Slice each biscuit into four pieces and then put the pieces on top of the mixture. Cook uncovered in a 400 degree oven until the biscuits are cooked (about 7 minutes).

To freeze, portion out the mixture into the loaf pans and cover with foil. Freeze. You can cook them from frozen by putting them in a 375 degree oven for approximately 1 hour. Do not put the biscuits on yet! After an hour, remove from the oven and stir - making sure that it's hot and bubbly all the way through. Then top with your biscuits and cook in 400 degree oven until the biscuits are cooked.

Single Digits

We are down to the single digits in number of days...only 9 until she's due. So far, we're still very much pregnant. There has been lots of pressure, lots of painful braxton hicks contractions, lots of nesting (I got up in the middle of the night to organize the kitchen cupboards!). We spent Saturday working outside and Sunday running all around to get some things done. Everyone says that it's close...except the doctors. Of course, that story could change on Wednesday when we get checked.

Today, I am stocking our freezer for after the baby is born. I'm making a huge pot of homemade pasta sauce, a pan of spinach and roasted red pepper lasagna, a pan of stuffed peppers, a pan of Mexican fiesta casserole, and 6 mini chicken pot pies. All vegetarian and made with fresh, low fat ingredients, of course. I think that it will make life easier after Bailey is born.

Kelly and I are on a major diet once the baby is here. We've started now, but we waver...I have major ice cream cravings right now. We're trying to stay healthy. We both want to lose some weight. We'll focus on that later, though.

For today, I'm going to stay on my feet and cook. LOL - nothing like being barefoot, nine months pregnant, and in the kitchen making food for my family. Where, oh where, did the shaved head, radical feminist that I used be go???? LOL!

Block Party

Today was our first annual Neighborhood Clean Up and BBQ and it was FABULOUS! There are nine houses on our cul de sac. We all gathered at 10 AM this morning and cleaned up/planted/mulched the community flower beds, cleaned the fence that surrounds our community, mowed the grass and took down some large wooden poles. We worked for two hours solid and had lots of fun doing it.

Then, we all dragged our BBQ's, chairs and one big shade tent out into the middle of the circle and BBQ'd. We had all gotten one side dish to share with the group and we had a big feast! The weather was perfect (mid 70's with nothin' but sunshine), the company awesome and the exercise was fantastic. I was smart and put on SPF 45 in the morning, so I didn't burn to a crisp. Kelly got some wonderful color that will turn into a beautiful golden brown in the next couple of days.

It was a REALLY good time and reaffirms what we love so much about this community. These are good people that we live with. They are excited about the baby and we just know that the women who live near us will be by to hold Bailey and help us out. It's just wonderful to live here and to be surrounded by true community.

Then, we closed out the day shooting the shit with one of our neighbors on our front porch as the sun went down. We got some ice cream and enjoyed the cooling evening air.

Talk about an absolutely perfect spring day.

For Bailey

Little love, this is your Momma speaking! I'm here to tell you that it's time to come. I know, I know...the timing is not of your choosing any more than it is of mine or your Mommy's. I know that you are cramped in there too. I know that you'd love to be able to stretch out those little legs of yours and be kissed all over. I know that you can't wait to be held in your Mommy's arms, cooed at by your Momma, snuggled by your Grammy and loved by your Nana.

But I'm begging you...please come soon!!! Your Momma is tired, little honey. Carrying you is hard work and waiting for your sweet face is sheer torture.

We are ready when you are. Your nursery is ready. We have all the thing that we need to care for you. We have our birth team lined up and everyone is just waiting for "the call". We have snacks for your Mommy, quarters for the vending machines in the hospital, migraine medicine for your Mommy! Our bags are packed (well, everything that can be packed early is ready to go!), there are two installed car seats and we have snug beds ready for you all over the house.

All we need now, sweet Bailey, is you!

I will keep waiting and will try to enjoy these last few days (weeks??) with you close to my heart. But don't be surprised if I'm more impatient than I am enjoying the process...after all, you're going to be a Taurus too...you'll understand soon enough...

I love you forever and always, sweet daughter of ours...now come baby girl! COME!

The Long Wait

Good lord, this whole growing a baby thing takes a LONG time!!!! I can't believe how pregnant I am, how pregnant I feel and how ready I am to have Bailey living on the outside.

It feels like I've been pregnant forever, and yet I have these moments when I can't believe that she's almost here. It's the strangest relationship with time that I've ever had.

I do know that I don't "wait" very well. I'm ready to get this show on the road. Very, very ready...

Home Again

I'm back home, with an infant seat base successfully installed in my car. The trip was long and I'm exhausted and definitely sick. But not with strep...I think.

I am going to do the dishes and then go to sleep. Hopefully, I'll sleep till Kelly gets home...

Braving the Beltway

I'm just about to take off on a little adventure. Today, I am driving the 25 miles to the area where we used to live (Rockville, Maryland) to get the carseat installed in our second car. We got the first one installed by the Fitzgerald Auto Mall in Annapolis, MD. They were absolutely wonderful and did a great job for us. So, now, I am off to get the same done at another Fitzgerald. Today they have an open car seat installation in Rockville - I don't need an appointment or anything, I just show up. They'll take one look at my pregnant self and VOILA! Instant car seat...

It's a long drive and the traffic is going to suck. On top of it all, I'm sick. Definitely sick. Not just a cold - a mild fever, very sore throat, achy head and body. I feel like I need to do this installation, though. I don't want to have a car without a properly installed car seat when Bailey arrives.

Kelly thinks I'm crazy and if she knew how bad I was feeling, would tell me to stay home. Would insist that I stay home, in fact. So, I haven't told her yet. She'll read this on the blog and call me on my cell phone...but then, I'll already be on my way and it'll be taken care of.

If I have time, I might to the doctors today and make sure it's not strep throat. I don't think it is. I think I just need sleep and relaxation.

I'll do that after we've installed a car seat.

Week 39

Well, our little girl is taking her sweet ass time. At today's check, my cervix was nice and soft and squishy, she could fit about a fingertip inside of it (which is less than 1 centimeter dilation) and there is very little effacement. However...she could feel the top of Bailey's head, so she is down and engaged and ready to start the real work of flattening and opening my cervix for her big exit.

As it turns out, we are completely normal and average. At 38 weeks, I really shouldn't be much further along than this, but I'm doing well for as far along as I am. We're probably looking at baby born closer to my due date...so another two weeks or so. Of course, we'll know more next week.

We did find out that if I end up getting screwed by my insurance that we can request an induction next week. We don't want to do that, but honestly, if it comes down to me having to go back to work or to force a labor...I'm going for labor. I hope that it won't...and the odds are looking good. I talked to the insurance folks today and they have everything they need. I talked to my HR rep at work and she insisted that they are more of a rubber stamp than an actual approval process. I also talked to my doctors, who were livid at the thought that the insurance company would not approve their medical order. So...it's looking good. But, just in case...we could force Bailey next week (when I'm 39 weeks).

That's a last resort, though. For now, I'm going to keep reading my library books, keep moving around and resting. I lost 3 pounds this week, so I'm back down to 20 gained. I'm happy about that. I have a bad, bad habit of eating when I'm bored, so I'm working to make sure that I don't do that. It worked this week. I'm just going to keep focusing and try to keep walking.

Here is what's up for the "development" this week...

Weeks Until Due Date: 2
Weeks Until We Evict her: 4
Total Weight Gained: 20 pounds

Fetal development in pregnancy week 39:fetus in ninth month

Whether you give birth tomorrow or next week, it's pretty much all the same for your baby-- they are now truly R-E-A-D-Y to face the big bright world outside of your womb. Speaking of wombs, your body is priming up for the big moment and hopefully, you're as prepared mentally as you can be. Your baby is well stocked up on fat, all their organs have put on the finishing touches. Here's hoping your child is already in the birthing position and basically just "hanging out" waiting for that elusive moment when all systems synchronize in your body to trigger the labor process.

And how's mom doing?

We know you're antsy for the big moment, but let's step back a minute and talk about what it takes to get to the point where you’re finally holding your sweet little miracle in your arms. Are you mentally ready to embark on the oh-so-fun adventures of labor? Take a moment to review all your preparations for handling the pain (breathing techniques etc.). Don't forget you're going to have some physical signs prior to labor: 1) you'll lose the mucous plug sometime before labor sets in, 2) the good ol' water breaking (doesn't happen to all women), 3) and finally, before the contractions kick in, it's likely you'll see some brownish-red discharge in your underwear-- charmingly called "bloody show."

And how about all those little details? Have you got yourself a back-facing infant seat for the ride home? Is their adorable "first outfit" all packed up? Where's that list of family and friends you're going call with the happy news? Do NOT forget the camera!!! If you're giving birth at the hospital, don't forget socks-- they always over air-condition the place. Also, if you're not having a home birth, bring your pillow-- you know it's better and comfier than anything they're going to provide for you. Lastly, have you ironed out all the details of your birth plan with your caregiver? It's best to clarify all your preferences prior to serious labor, because once you're puffing like, well, a woman in labor, it's highly unlikely you're going to have the presence of mind to talk it out clearly.

14 Days

Mikki and I were talking about the significance of the number 14 in this baby process. For everyone who was artificially inseminated, you probably already know where I'm heading with this. 14 days of waiting and monitoring for ovulation, 14 days of waiting until the missed period (aka a reliable pregnancy test), 14 extra days on the side of caution to get some comfort that the pregnancy is viable, and now 14 until our due date. Wouldn't our reproductive lives be much simplier if 14 was an actual number that we could depend on as opposed to an estimate. Just a thought ~Kelly

"Dad Tip" week 39

This weeks tip is to consider who we will invite into the delivery room. We felt this was a reasonable tip, but thought it might have come a little late in the process. Maybe we (like all of our fellow baby bloggers) must be over achievers when it comes to planning the labor and delivery. ~Kelly

Still Waiting

Well, we are still waiting. We have another appointment today and will update with the progress after that (if any).

I slept like shit last night - I'm not sure if it was stress about the insurance situation or because it seems that I've gotten a cold. Either way, I'm exhausted today.

My plans for today include going to our doctors appointment, calling the insurance people and trying to get some sleep. This afternoon, Kelly and I plan to walk, walk, walk...and hopefully get little Bailey ready to join us.

God...I'm so ready for this part to be over.

Insurance Nightmare

Okay - I'm a drama queen. It's really not that bad. Here's the deal - my company offers a 100% employer paid "short term disability" policy that provides 8-12 weeks of 100% paid coverage per year (on a rolling basis). Maternity is covered under this policy, with eight weeks guaranteed AFTER THE BIRTH of a child. The other four weeks are available to be used before or after the birth (or not at all) depending on my health. Makes sense, right?

The catch is that the only thing that eliminates the waiting period is the birth of a child. Bailey, of course, has not been born yet. I am eligible for the additional four weeks...after an 8 work-day waiting period. For me, that is through the end of this week (three days last week, then five this week).

A second benefit offered by my company is what is called "family care leave". This is different because it's not covered by insurance - it's a benefit that the firm offers (and pays for). This provides two additional weeks of paid leave in order to care for a child. It does not have to be taken in connection with a maternity leave, but it can be.

So, the original plan was for me to take my eight weeks after Bailey was born that is provided by short-term disability. Then, I would tack on the additional 2 weeks of family care leave. After that, I was going to tack on the 2 weeks of paid time off that I had been able to accrue - hence...a full 12 weeks of 100% paid maternity coverage.

Well, because of this waiting period, I am having to use my PTO time to cover the gap between when the additional four weeks of short term disability kicks in. Of course, Bailey could be born at anytime, which would null and void this whole problem - except that I still would have to use my PTO time to cover this time.

Here's the bitch, though - I may not be eligible for the additional four weeks of coverage. After going around and around with the insurance company, I wasn't able to get any kind of answer about what would disqualify me. Sure, I've been taken out of work by my doctor, but that may not be enough of a reason. Seriously. So, I have had the paperwork filled out and it's on it's way to the insurance company. They will analyze and evaluate it and make their decision. If they decide to reject my claim, we are up shit creek until Bailey is born. They can't deny the need once a child is born - they can't say that I don't have a true medical condition. If they do deny the claim, and Bailey is born BEFORE next Tuesday (the 24th), I have the PTO time to cover my absence from work and then the disability kicks in. If they deny me, but she isn't born before then, a period of no pay begins.

Which, we can't handle. Well, let me rephrase that - we can handle it financially, just not easily. Our life needs both salaries, which is why it is so wonderful that my company offers these benefits. I mean, I get 10 weeks off work, without ever seeing a loss in my paycheck after she is born. That's unreal. I'd get more if I had more PTO time. I'm not complaining about my benefits...just about the insurance company.

Of course, if they approve the claim, it will be retroactive and will cover anytime after the 8 day waiting period, before the birth of Bailey. That would be ideal. We'll hopefully know in the next 10 days how that will play out.

If they do end up denying us, we are going to push hard for an induction next week. I know that is contrary to everything that I've said since this pregnancy started, but reality kicks in at some point. We can't go a long time without a paycheck from me, and I can't go back to work. The only way to force the hand of the insurance company is to give birth. Next week, we will be fully 39 weeks pregnant. I'm hoping that, if she doesn't come on her own before then, we can convince them to induce me at that time. Maybe we can't. And if we can't, I will have to go back to work.

So...here's hoping she's either ready to come, the insurance company approves our claim, or the doctors will help us out...

Baby Dreamin'

The most interesting part of being in late pregnancy is how present Bailey feels in our lives. We talk to her, we massage her (through my tummy, of course), we read, we sing, we joke about her movements. She has distinct rhythms, sleeping and waking cycles and her energy cycles with my eating cycles. She's a part of our world, without ever having left my uterus. It's really quite amazing.

LOL - of course, the problem is that she's still inside me. And there isn't much room left! She rolls over and it hurts. She kicks and my entire body bounces. She has this really funny way of pulsating back and forth - almost like it's her heartbeat, but it stops and starts throughout the day. It's very, very cute...

Every day we get closer and Kelly and I just get more and more ready. We can hardly believe that she's almost here. We've dreamed this dream from just about the moment we met - we've wanted to raise children together, to share this life, to make it work knowing the other was right there. And now it is ours. We only need to get through these next couple of weeks (if it takes that long) and we'll be inside our paradise. We are truly lucky.

In other news - nothing happened this weekend. We just hung out together. Today is "admin" day for me. I have a pile (and a list) of administrative tasks that need to be taken care of...with my insurance stuff right at the top. Fun, festive good times. Other than that, I'm going to relax and maybe catch a few more hours of sleep at some point.

As for M's question about the Pharmacist - let' s just say that four people had their prescriptions filled before me - two of them decidedly NOT pregnant MEN - and then I was told that my prescription was ready the entire time. So, when I went to the register to get it and pay and leave, the pharmacist tried to help the person in line behind me first. That's when he got screamed at. I sat in CVS for 45 minutes to pick up 11 pills. Bastard.

And about being nice...I try. This weekend, after a monumental effort, I did NOT scream at the Pizza Hut assholes.

I'm generally nice. Sweet, even. I'm kind. I like service people and truly feel like if you're kind to them, they will be kind back. Being at the end of this pregnancy has brought out the absolute WORST in me. I'm a raging bitch to everyone (except Kelly...with her, I'm super sweet because...well...because she's perfect!). I am really making an effort to either stay at home or to keep my shit in check when I'm out in public. I hate the person that I am right now...so I'm trying to curb it. But, it's hard.

I think she likes it...

I think that Bailey likes me being on leave a bit early. Reading other blogs about what women started feeling like before labor, it strikes me that I have very, very few of those feelings. I feel very pregnant...but not close to labor. I'm not having horrible BH contractions. I don't feel like there is a watermelon between my legs. My vaginal discharge is normal. No mucus plug. No water breakage.

The only thing that I can say is that I think Bailey likes being the center of attention and enjoying my stress-free self. LOL - she's going to be just like me in some respects, I think. I took my sweet ass time coming out (Mom was in labor with me for 56 hours...) and there was very little that she could do from that point to convince me to do what I didn't want to do. I will not be one bit surprised if Bailey turns out to be a stubborn little Taurus, with a big attitude and a huge heart...just like her Momma.

I will say only this to you, sweet Bailey - take your time. Come when you are ready. It's a great big world out here, with lots of people waiting to meet and love you. Only you know when it's time...

With that said, I may get myself arrested before we go into labor. I screamed (literally) at the CVS pharmacist this morning. Literally screamed at him. I haven't been that rude to any human being ever in my entire life. He deserved it, but still. Good lord. Last weekend I nearly screamed at a state trooper. I managed to catch myself just in time, but I was bitingly sarcastic. LOL - it's not really the time to cause me additional stress, you know? My rope is very short right now. On a good day, I don't have much tolerance for crappy service and shitty people. These days, I have no tolerance to start with and very little self control when it comes to what pops out of my mouth.

I try. But you know. Kelly laughs at me...but she's always really happy to hear the story AFTER it's happened. It embarrasses her when I do it when she's around. Oh well. I'll try to not be a shitty person to people who are shitty to me. I'll try.

Luxury

This morning, I was up at 5:30 again. I realized I'm waking up at that time because I want to see Kelly off. I hate waking up to a silent house and having her gone. I need my morning kiss. I need to see her beautiful eyes and her sweet smile.

The luxury of my life these days is that I can go back to bed. I'm on my way there for a couple more hours of sleep.

I worry about Kelly getting jealous. She looks at me like I'm crazy when I say that. She says she wouldn't trade being nine months pregnant for a little time off. LOL - she's got a point, but I still feel bad. Do other women go through this?

Last night, I gave her a long, long back rub. I used to do that every night. Back when I had energy. Now, I've got some energy back. I can afford to stay awake 45 minutes longer than usual because I know I can sleep the next day. It felt so good to lay near her, breathing her in and listening to her sleep sounds.

I adore those moments...and it's such a gift that for the next couple of weeks, I can enjoy it all again.

Growing a Feminist

I was riding around today, listening to Ani DiFranco (her old stuff...the angry feminist stuff...the stuff from back in my college days) and thinking about giving birth to a daughter.

I started thinking about being a feminist and what it means and why I still call myself one. I realized that to be female and present in this world is to be a feminist. There is a line in one of her songs that says "If you're not angry, you're just stupid...you don't care. How else can you react when you see something so unfair?"

That makes sense to me. I watch the news every night and every night there is a new story about women being killed by boyfriends/lovers/husbands. Or raped in alley ways. One particularly gruesome story was about a woman who was raped in broad daylight while a second man held her three year old daughter to watch. Or the story about the man that called his wife after picking up their two children and told her to meet them in some rural area. She arrived to find that he had hung his two children and then himself.

There are a million acts of a violence against women in this world every day - these are just a couple from our local news.

How could I not be a feminist? I'm bringing our daughter into a world that tells her she's a sex symbol to be used and fucked and thrown away. She's a commodity. She's LUCKY if she finds a man (if she's straight) who will love her with respect and dignity. Kelly and I have taken on the task of combating the zillion images of sexually explicit women that she will see and trying to show her that she can choose something different. We are tasked with giving her self esteem in a world that DOES NOT value women.

Just think, we live in a world that is more comfortable with teenage girls prancing around in bathing suits that barely cover their nipples and pubic hair, than with a woman breast feeding her child in a public place. Jesus. Think about that for a second. It's better to see living, breathing acts of child pornography than it is to see my breast for five seconds while I latch a child to it???

To not be a feminist in this world is just plain irresponsible. If we don't open our eyes to the challenges women face, how can we EVER hope to help our daughters navigate through it?? I'm not giving up. I'm fighting every chance I get.

And I hope to hell that we are able to raise a daughter who uses her voice, who speaks up when she sees injustice and who is not afraid to give the bird to anyone who tells her that she can't. And if she isn't like that, she's got me and her Mommy to back her up. And I dare the world to fuck with us.

Some thought I was extreme before...LOL. Just wait...now I have a REAL reason to speak up and fight the wrong that I see.

Today's Accomplishments

Here is a list of what I have accomplished today:

1) Took a 2 hour nap this morning
2) Did three loads of laundry
3) Picked up the upstairs part of the house
4) Emptied all the garbages
5) Went to the library
6) Went to the bank
7) Filled up my car
8) Am about to embark on another nap
9) After napping, I'll make dinner for Kelly and I (Shepard's Pie tonight...with veggie meat!)

Tonight, our doula is coming over for a final visit before the big show. Then, I'm going to watch the Office and My Name is Earl. Tomorrow, my goal is to walk for a least an hour. Today, I just didn't get to it...but tomorrow, it's a priority!

First Full Day

Yesterday was actually my first full day of maternity leave. I'm going to call all this time off (from now until I go back to work after Bailey's birth) maternity leave, but it's actually paid out of two different pots of money. I'm very lucky, and for just one second, I need to send out some props to my big, corporate machine of a company. There are lots and lots of things wrong with the medical system in American and with the way that workers are treated. We need one giant Union to come along and force those "with" to help those "without". It's hard to be a mother in America. There just isn't much in the way of support - at least, not the kind that we really need - like financial support. Parenting is a commodity in this country.

But sometimes...and it's rare...but sometimes a company gets it right. In the age of fewer benefits, less health care options, fewer days off and lower pay...my big law firm has really come through for it's workers. We were given a whole new leave policy just a couple of months ago that has enabled me to walk away from my job for up to 4 months without ever seeing my pay decreased at all. Everything continues just as it would if I were going to work every day...but I'm not. Four months isn't long, and I'd love for it to be longer. But four months is a hell of a lot longer than most new mothers get in this country. Full pay is certainly better than the limited pay or no pay that most mothers get. I'm lucky. Very, very lucky...and I want to not forget that as I'm spending this time at home.

Now...with that out of the way...PHEW!!!! In one day, I feel like an entire new person. Holy shit. That's all I have to say. Yesterday, as Kelly and were driving to get the car seat installed (yep, it actually happened yesterday!), I was singing and giggling and "dancing" in the car. This sounds like not much...but it was a regular occurrence when I wasn't pregnant and before I started feeling so crappy. I'm generally a silly person - with lots of stupid little things that I do to make my honey giggle. Lately, I just haven't had the energy. But knowing that I have some time off, I feel re-energized. Honestly, I'm not sure how I've continued going to work these past couple of weeks.

Last night, I slept like shit. But I'm going to go back to bed for a couple of hours this morning. Because I can. Because it's what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing right now. I'm also going to putter around the house - get some of the accumulated junk cleaned up and put away and the garbages emptied and other little stuff that just continues to build. I'm going to take it slow and easy and just be peaceful. I'm going to take my time making dinner, and tonight I'm going to go to bed early and rest more.

I'm hoping that all of my resting will prompt Bailey to move down into my pelvis and start getting ready to come on out. That may be wishful thinking, but I do know that when she is ready, I'm going to be prepared.

One thing from our appointment yesterday - I came back Strep B positive. It means I'll be on IV antibiotics during labor. I'm not yet sure how this will change my labor - I had wanted to wait for as long as possible before doing in...but if they need to start antibiotics, I may need to go in earlier. I'm doing my very best to not project my frustrations or fears out into the labor. My goal is to know what I want and then focus on being flexible and ready to handle anything. If I have to labor in bed, hooked up to a million monitors, I need to find a way to be okay with that. Kelly and I have worked out our focal points and our meditations. We know what we will be thinking about and how she is going to support me through it. We've done what we can to be ready, and I just have to trust that no matter what happens, we will get through it and Bailey will come out a healthy baby girl with a healthy Momma and Mommy.

"I'm Not Ready"

When my youngest cousin was very little, she used to say "I'm not ready" whenever she was told to do something that she didn't want to do. Well, apparently, Miss. Bailey has gotten wind of this little trick.

Needless to say, while 37 weeks may be the "ready" point for some babies...it's not the ready point for Bailey. She has barely begun her descent into my pelvis. She's still quite happily in my uterus and not ready to come out anytime soon. I am "progressing" as I should...which is to say, not much at all. We'll be waiting for just a bit more time...

Everything else looked good. I've gained 3 more pounds for a total of 23 now. I need to put the breaks on that. So, now that I am at home, I am going to start walking in the mornings. Not fitness walking - just to get out, get moving and hopefully prevent any further weight gain. And, of course, it'll help Bailey move down and start getting closer to ready.

Thank God work is done. I can't imagine having heard that news if I knew that I would have to spend more time at work. Ugg. That would have been hell.

Week 38...and BED REST!

Last night, we spent some time at labor and delivery again. I was having some blurry vision and lots and lots of swelling. Last time I didn't call my doctor immediately, and he got really mad at me. So, even though I felt like a horse's ass, I called. They asked me to come in and get checked. So, we trooped in. They hooked me up for 4 hours, took my blood and tested it and tested my urine. Everything came back perfect. Bailey is happily ensconced in my uterus and she is showing no signs of distress. My blood pressure was perfect, my body is still hanging in there.

I, however, am not. Kelly finally got tired of me trying to act like Wonder Woman and laid out our schedule for the doctor. She described me trying to get up at 4 AM every day, commuting to work, working, commuting home and then not sleeping for all the stress. She described how much I take on and how I hold myself to a completely unrealistic standard. Listening to her made me cry. I was actually able to hear what my situation is like through the eyes of someone watching me try to get through it and I just couldn't help myself.

So, my doctor has put me on bed rest. Not stuck-in-bed bed rest...just no working. I've been instructed to sleep often, relax lots and generally focus on nothing but getting myself and my body ready for the marathon of childbirth and the first months of Bailey's life.

The doctor's orders open up a whole new pot of money for me, and it's likely that I will not see any decrease in my pay. Which is another very, very important thing. I will also not lose anytime with Bailey after the birth - the medical leave is separate from the maternity leave.

I feel like a million pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I slept well for the first time in weeks last night. Of course, that might have also been the Tylenol PM that she told me to take.

So, for now, I'm at home. I'm going to do exactly what the doctor ordered and not push myself. I'm going to rest. For perhaps the first time in my life...I'm going to truly rest for an extended period of time.

In other news...WE ARE FULL TERM! At least, we are 37 weeks. At this point, Bailey is free to make her appearance whenever she is ready. We have a doctor's appointment today and that should let us know if we are any closer than we were last week. For now, we are still in the waiting game and Miss. Bailey is still growing. I'll post later and let you know how the appointment goes...

Here is the Week 38 development:

Fetal development in pregnancy week 38:fetus in ninth month

As you know full well, you've arrived at the final leg of the journey, and if you're still carrying your little love around, they've just about reached their birth weight (somewhere between 6 to 8 pounds is average depending on whether they're a boy or girl). There really isn't a lot to report on baby this week, so lets do a quick recount of where we're at: all internal organ systems are pretty much ready for the outside world, they've got their meconium stockpile building up (their first black baby poo), lots of healthy baby fat, a rapidly developing brain (that'll keep growing with them for years to come), and they've more or less reached official baby status-- all they need to do is "head out" and say hello to the rest of the world and especially their ready-to-pop momma.

And how's mom doing?

Hang in there momma, it's only a matter of time before the obnoxious and painful fake contractions you felt in your back, lower belly, and pelvic region will be replaced by real contractions... which are even more obnoxious and painful. You'll know when the real ones kick in because they're more intensely painful (woo!) and they spread over the entire uterus, through the lower back and into your pelvis.

If you're having trouble sleeping (which about 100% of women in this phase of pregnancy are), try to take little catnaps during the day, get one of those neato full-body pregnancy pillows, or at least lots of pillows that you can shove between your legs and under your belly to support your awkward shape more comfortably. Also, if you're feeling weird electrical tingles in your legs and inside your vagina -- this would be none other than your not-so-little baby hitting various nerves as they settle into the pelvic area. If you're feeling sharp shooting pains instead of tingles, this would be your extra evil-but-adorable baby pressing on your oh-so-very sensitive sciatic nerve. All we can recommend is some wincing, sitting down, and putting your feet up...OUCH!

The Second of Three

My sister-in-law (Kelly's sister) and her husband have given birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl! She was born at 8:06 AM yesterday morning, and everyone is doing very, very well! The baby is absolutely gorgeous and Mom and Dad and big brother are very, very happy that she is here. Not to mention that Nana is over the moon!

Now...where is Bailey??? LOL - I knew when we got pregnant as the last of the three that it would be very hard once the first two were born. In some random part of my mind, I hoped that we would go very early and that even if we were the last of the three to deliver, we would not have a long wait in between. I'm so ready to have this baby. I look at pictures of my brother's baby girl, and now pictures of my sister-in-law's baby girl and I'm just so jealous! Happy jealous, of course...not in any kind of mean or spiteful way. Just ready to hold our little honey and have her in our life.

Tomorrow is our next appointment. We'll see if I've progressed at all from last week (when there was no progression!). I'm hoping that I haven't gained more weight, although that is a meek hope at best. Ice cream has been my best friend this week...and not the low fat kind.

I didn't sleep very well at all last night, so I'm tired and kind of cranky. However, I had one my best friends from Maine stop in on her way to Santa Fe and crash at our place. It's wonderful - she's moving out West and we were a great stop for the night. I love the randomness of when we see each other and how great it is to catch up. But then I didn't sleep well. Ugg.

I got about an hour all told.

Tomorrow is an easy day, though...I won't be working. I will get the car seat installed in the morning and then pick Kelly up at work and then we'll go to our appointment. Hopefully they will tell us that we're going to give birth in a couple of days. HA!

Doing Alright

Sleep was rough last night, but Kelly made yesterday easy on me. She took care of cleaning the entire house - mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming everything. I did some laundry and kept us fed. I was able to relax.

Also, we had a major victory. We went to DSW to try and find some new shoes for me. Now, if you're an every-day reader you probably know that I've struggled to find shoes that fit since about month 6th. First, my feet are wide to begin with...really wide. It's rare for me to find shoes when I'm not pregnant. With the swelling, it's been damn near impossible. The other major hurdle is that I hate shoes that enclose my feet. I'm so hot all the time and so I start wearing sandals as soon as there is no snow on the ground (and sometimes even when their is).

After much searching, we eventually found a pair of size 9 slides that worked. They were very long and not very comfortable, but I was able to get my feet in them. However, a new problem developed over the next couple of weeks. My heels, under all the stress of my weight and exposed to the elements, dried right up and cracked. And bled. In many places. Ouchy.

So, we needed to find shoes that fit and that enclosed my feet.

AND WE DID! Amazing. Honestly, it's a victory. These days, it's the little things that matter and this time, we succeeded in making something work...and it was easy. The shoes are ass-ugly...but they are work appropriate for the next couple of weeks. They will keep my feet enclosed and so hopefully moisturized. I'll be slathering them with emollient night cream and wearing socks to bed until I undo the damage I caused.

Oh...and the shoes are a size 10. From a size 8 to a size 10. Good lord.

Here's to another week and to feeling hopeful that we'll find out that I'm starting to show signs of getting ready for labor at our appointment on Wednesday...

My Hero

I know that I say it all the time, and feel free to not read this if you're tired of hearing it...but I don't know what I would do without my Kelly. I have never been so well taken care of, so deeply loved or had anyone so completely anticipate my needs and then meet them without complaint.

God, I love her. I love her more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human being and every day I relearn why I love her so much.

I am very, very lucky.

Ode to M&S

By the way - could anybody ever have better friends than M&S??? We really do love you, guys...thank you for caring so much!

And please know that the feelings are more than returned.

We'll be calling later to get an update on your birthing center find and to wish you a Happy Easter!

Working Through It

I'm trying so hard to stay positive. Kelly is starting to worry in increasing amounts about my moods, my blood pressure, my energy level. We're at the end game, and every fiber of my body and my spirit can feel it.

This is, ideally, when I would stop working. If I knew that I could just spend tomorrow resting, and the day after and the day after...well you get it - I would be able to relax a little. But I feel like I can't afford to relax. I have to get stuff ready for the week - because it makes life so much easier. Problem is that if I don't relax, the week is so much harder.

I know that I keep saying this over and over again and I keep wanting to change my attitude. Part of me feels like a miserable failure because I can't seem to keep everything together 100% of the time. I know that this is 50% (at least) pregnancy hormones. I know it is. Logically, I know that. But in the part of my brain that is working on pure hormonal energy, I don't care.

What would be nice is if tomorrow I could go get a pedicure and see a matinée. I'd love to sleep until 7 or 8 in the morning and wake up when my body is ready to get up. I'd love to be able to make dinner in a way that didn't feel rushed. I'd love to not ride the bus, not get motion sick, not have to deal with work and my coworkers. I'd love to not have to fake smile and answer a million times a day "I'm hanging in there" when people look at my tummy and then ask how I'm feeling.

And I worry. Am I pushing myself to hard? Should I take a week or so off before Bailey is born just to get myself ready for the marathon of childbirth and the early weeks? I mean, I really want to spend as much time with her after her birth before I go back to work, but am I doing us both a disservice by trying to work too hard before she gets here and not allowing myself to rest up now, when I don't have a baby to tend to?

I just don't know, and I'm afraid that with my exhaustion and my emotional energy so low that I can't think about the situation clearly.

I also feel guilty because Kelly doesn't get time off. I mean, it's not like she is going to be able to just take time off to rest. I know that she isn't the one carrying Bailey, but honestly, she's carrying me. I mean, she's going to be just as exhausted.

I don't know. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. I need for my life to be working at about 30 miles per hour right now, and in my current situation, it can't. I'm living in 60 miles per hour, and I'm feeling it.

Anybody got any advice?

F#%$ING CARSEAT

I know when I've reached my breaking point, and I'm there. I scheduled an appointment with the state police to have one of our cars fitted with a carseat today. I have no doubt that Kelly could make it happen on her own, but you hear all kinds of horror stories about carseats not being installed properly. It's important to us that we have this done professionally.

Well, we are kind of down to the wire with this. I couldn't get an appointment until today (they were not ever available).

So, after a long morning (it was our photo shoot...which was actually kind of fun), we trooped out to get the carseat installed. And the bastards had no record of us having an appointment.

Here we are, nearly 37 weeks pregnant with no carseat installed. Now, Bailey is probably not coming anytime soon and this will, I'm sure, get resolved. I am nothing if not resourceful. In fact, I think that I've already figured out how I'm going to get this done. But it means taking time off work (again) and having to drive to Montgomery County (an hour away) and blah, blah, blah.

I hate this stupid shit. I just wish things would happen easily.

Thank God It's Over

This day is just about over. I just need to stop in to the restroom and I'm on my way out the door.

Uggg.

This has been a long week. On the bus ride home, I am going to make a menu for next week and then do the grocery list when I get home. Nothing like multitasking to get it all done.

Uggg.

I just want to go to bed.

Busy Friday...and Saturday...

For the first time in weeks, I actually have a pretty busy day today. My boss is returning from vacation, which means I'll spend some time helping her get caught up. I've got CLE application to prepare out the wazoo (don't worry...it barely means something to me...and it's my job!), I've got to update the assignment book and at lunch Kelly and I are going shopping for some clothes for our photo shoot tomorrow.

Tonight, I need to (actually want to) grocery shop and go to Target. We also need to wash clothes and at some point sleep and eat.

Tomorrow is the photo shoot in the morning and then we have the car seats installed in the afternoon.

Sunday we were going to go to M&S's home for Easter dinner, but Kelly has to work. She's up against a deadline and with our birth looming before us, she doesn't want to run the risk of not getting it all done.

This has been a hard week for both of us. Last night, as I was laying in bed, I realized that I was so freakin' stressed out I could just cry. I feel like we haven't stopped in weeks. Between the painting and the gardening and finishing the nursery and maintaining everything else that needs to get done, I'm just exhausted. It doesn't help that I'm so worn out from being pregnant.

I get that the pregnancy needs to continue and that I need to find some zen place for the next couple of weeks...but damn. I'm tired of being pregnant. I'm tired of my feet hurting, my back aching and carrying around a bunch of weight. I'm frustrated that my hands and wrists hurt constantly and that the simplest tasks require more work than I ever thought possible. It's not so much that I want Bailey to be born...I just want a break from carrying her. LOL!

The biggest frustration of this whole experience is trying to work. It's impossible to even pretend like I give a shit at work these days. I just don't. I want to go home. I commute an hour in to work each day and then spent about an hour and a half coming home. I get up at 4 AM every morning just to be here early so that I can leave before the horrible rush hour traffic. I get home at night, exhausted and still have to think about feeding us. Then my kitchen is messy and I need (this really is a need) to do the dishes and make it nice. And then it's 7-7:30 and I've got maybe an hour before I need to sleep. It leaves no time to focus on anything else - so my weekends are completely jammed up with doing everything that I can't do during the week.

It's the middle-class squeeze. It really is. It's not just about the money - our life needs two incomes and part-time work would not provide the health care benefits that I need. It's about time. But to buy time, you really do have to have extra money. Kelly and I could hire a cleaning service to come in once every couple of weeks. That would save me from having to do the bathrooms and the floors. We could. But there are other things that we want to use our money on...like saving for retirement and having enough to take a family vacation each year. Plus, it's going to cost us $2000 in the next couple of months just for the adoption fees. I could buy some time...but who really has the extra money??

Anyway. It's not that big of a deal. I need to find a way to just relax and be okay with my life. I'm stressed out right now, and emotional and hormonal and everything always feels more overwhelming when I'm in this place. Kelly is doing a great job getting me through this part and in a few weeks, I'll not be pregnant anymore. I'll have a whole new set of challenges...but at least I'll be able to bend over again!

"Dad Tip" week 37

This weeks tip is to be sure and provide Mikki with a telephone number where she can reach me at all times during the work day. It suggested I even consider a cell phone or pager. It even explained that knowing how to reach me at all times might help ease some of her anxiety. Ya think? ~Kelly

The Waiting Game

I was never good at this game. Never. I always got impatient. When I was little, I could never play hide and seek without cheating, because I hated keeping my head down for a specific period of time. It always seemed like the seconds were SO freakin' long when I wasn't allowed to look. Same thing with reading a book. A always marvels that I can read the same book 3 and 4 times (some of them even more) and get something new out of it every time. It's because I get so anxious when I'm reading that I skip over entire words and sentences in my race to the finish. The next couple of times through, when I already know the final outcome, I can go a bit slower and pick up more of the details.

I'm having the same problem with the end of this pregnancy. I don't want to rush our Bailey. I want her to be inside for as long as she needs to be in order to come out a healthy little girl ready to breathe on her own. I don't want to rush my body either. I would love to go into spontaneous labor and give my body the time it needs to bring Bailey into the world.

But DAMN IT. I'm so anxious. I am ready. Kelly is too, but she's more patient than I am. She's much more stoic and less emotional. And to be honest, she's not carrying around 7 pounds (or more) of baby. I just keep thinking - 6 weeks at the absolute most. I can do this...

I think.

Week 37 and Dr.'s Appointment

Our doctors appointment was moderately disappointing, but I'm trying to take it in stride. Before I even begin, let me just say that I was set up for failure. I WANTED to go in and hear that I was mere days away from giving birth, be put on bed rest to wait it out in leisure and be told that I had lost another couple of pounds. LOL.

As it turns out, I've gained 8 pounds in two weeks, my blood pressure is okay (but may be creeping up...they are going to watch it), and my cervix is "starting to soften".

About the weight - its actually interesting to me. I got more exercise these past two weeks than I have my entire pregnancy. I didn't eat anything different. Part of it (maybe a lot of it) can be explained by my swelling and water retention. I look bloated and my feet and hands are so puffy it's not funny. And Bailey has probably put on a pound or so in the last two weeks. But, at some point, I just have to accept that I gained some weight too. So, now it's back to paying attention and trying not to let it get more crazy. Total weight gain to date: 20 pounds.

About the blood pressure. It could be nothing. It was 138/80. I usually run in the "120's/80" according to my chart. So, it could be "creeping up" as our doctor said. The weight gain, the puffiness...all could be signs of bad things to come...but are meaningless without more data. So for right now, it's okay.

About my cervix. Well. At 36 weeks, my cervix is doing exactly what it should do. It's starting to get ready, but isn't there yet. Bailey is not yet "engaged"...although she has gotten lower in my tummy, she's not all the way down yet. As the doctor kindly pointed out, there is more misery to come.

We go back next week. We'll watch all of these signs. See what they come to. The universal expectation is that Bailey will be big and we'd all (doctors included) like for her to be an early baby rather than a late one. But time will tell. Until then, I am going to "commit to being miserable" as my wonderful partner has said...LOL!

Here's the 37 week development and promised belly shot!

Total Weight Gain: 20 Pounds
Weeks Until Bailey is Due: 4
Weeks Until We Evict Her: 6
Weeks Left of Work: 3 Weeks, 2 Days

Fetal development in pregnancy week 37:fetus in ninth month

It’s the calm before the storm... developmentally speaking anyway. Changes in your baby's weight have leveled off with only a few ounces of fat added this week. At this point your baby should weigh in at around 7 lbs and 20 inches (with boys somewhat heavier and longer than girls). Happily, as far as internal organs go, they are now developed enough to function in the outside world although the oh-so-important immune system is still developing and will continue to do so after birth. With a large boost of antibodies provided by breast milk when nursing begins. Fighting infection and staying healthy should be well within their physical capacity when your little fighter is born.

And how's mom doing?

Your health care provider will assess the likelihood of where you are relative to your upcoming birthing process—seeing as you’ve now arrived at that waiting phase that could turn into labor at any time. Various charming indicators such as loose stools, expelling your mucus plus (along with the bloody show – see week 35), a dilated cervix and increased Braxton-Hicks contractions are all signs that labor is only a few days away. The infamous water breaking may or may not be your first true indicator that labor has commenced. However, water breaks for only 15% of mothers and despite what Hollywood would have us believe, is more frequently just a slow leak rather than a large gush.

Be patient: if labor doesn’t start this week, or even next, keep in mind that only 4-5% of women actual deliver on their predicted due date. What’s more if this is your first pregnancy, you can expect to be anywhere from two days to two weeks late. You can distract yourself by keeping track of fetal movements, mostly to reassure yourself that all is well with your little miracle. In the off chance that movements do start to decrease substantially, don’t freak out—just call your doctor of midwife and discuss it with them.

If you still haven’t decided whether to breastfeed or not, here’s a good reason: some experts estimate that mothers excrete between 400-700 calories a day while breastfeeding, and to compensate, you should be eating roughly 500 extra calories a day (mmm that’s like one spoonful of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream).

Guilt

I feel a pretty huge level of guilt about work this morning. Basically, I'm not really working. I come to work and I do the thing that are required of me to get through the day. I have not let anything slide...but I'm certainly not proactive about getting more work.

I realized this morning that my boss is on vacation and I didn't know where she was going or when she'd be back. I didn't know those things because I didn't talk to her yesterday. At all. Now, that's not extraordinary in itself - she's extremely busy and there are often days when we don't talk. But it seems these days that I'm just kind of a ghost around here. I'm not really a part of the team right now because at any point, I could drop out of the game all together. My boss knows that and is only trying to accomodate me.

But it makes me feel guilty.

Today is our 36 week mark and our first doctors appointment with an internal exam. We are now going on a weekly basis. I'll post this afternoon with a new picture and an update!

20's and 30's!

WOOO HOOO...we're in our 20's!!! 29 days left until Miss Bailey is 40 weeks! AND...our good friends M&S are in their 30's! They hit 30 weeks today!!!! It seems like a good night to celebrate, and we are! The four of us are getting together to share some good times, good pasta and good conversation tonight!

I love dinner dates...

Both Kelly and I slept great last night, which is a good sign for today. I love it when I sleep well...it makes the difference in everything! Tomorrow we hit the 36 week mark, and we have our first internal exam. Exciting, I know! LOL - I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm so interested to know if my body has started changing yet...if we are even close to the beginning of the process.

And it makes the time go by so much faster when you know that an appointment is coming every week. We are getting there...

Still Pregnant

It's Monday again, and I'm still pregnant. I guess this is a good thing...after all, we're not even 36 weeks yet. But good golly. I'm seriously ready.

Yesterday I had the exciting development of painful braxton hicks contractions. They started in the morning and I had about one an hour for a couple of hours. Thrown in around the painful ones were the normal tightening, non-painful kind.

Not labor, but just a little reminder that we are not far from that point. It was kind of exciting...but also a little frusterating. I'd love for it to be time.

This week should be pretty light. Work is really slowing down for me - they are not giving me anything new in anticipation of my departure. I think that's great...but it makes the days long, because they are relatively boring.

But that is to be expected, I think. It's good. Only four more weeks left of work if we go full term. That is not long. I can do this. I feel like the little engine that could..."I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

I can't wait to meet our daughter. I get these butterflies in my belly whenever I think about it...kind of like the way that I would feel when I was 7 on Christmas Eve. This incredible anticipation comes over me and I wonder how it is that I'm going to keep waiting. I can't wait to stare into her eyes, to feel her little hands on my body and breathe in her scent. I can't wait to see my partner hold our child and watch the love wash over her. I just can't wait.

Uggg...no wonder this last month is the most difficult. The anticipation alone is killing me!!!!

A GREAT Day!

Today was a wonderful day! Kelly and I met up with Maverick and hung out with her and her son. We spent a couple of hours walking around the National Arboretum and then ate lunch. It was an absolutely lovely day!

Also, today is (hopefully) the first day of the month that Bailey will be born in! That's VERY exciting! AND...to make it all the better, our TICKER changed...we are on the LAST picture! She's almost cooked and ready to come out and be in this wonderful world!!!!

I can't wait...

Here's a picture of Kelly and I under the magnolia trees at the Arboretum. They smelled as wonderful as they look...

Introducing...

The NURSERY! We've finally finished putting everything where it is going to go and getting the pictures hung. The only thing that is not complete is that some of the picture frames are empty. These will be filled next weekend when we have our maternity photos taken.

In order to give credit where credit is due, Kelly did ALL of the designing and actual doing of the nursery (see why I love her so much??? The girl is crazy creative...). She came up with the concepts and put them all together. I helped hang the border (the stars) and I helped hold the red trim so that she could pound it in. Our good friends M&S hung the ceiling fan.

My contributions to the nursery included coming the geometric images in the picture frames on the walls and putting everything where it is right now (except for the crib...Kelly placed that!). I also washed everything in the room, dusted, and disinfected all the toys. Oh...and I'm growing the child who will live in this room! :-)