Sigh

Before I even begin, I need to send my heartfelt condolences to Bleu. Honey, I am so sorry. Kelly and I are thinking of you and sending all our best energy your way.

The appointment yesterday went well, for the most part. I drank my drink, got my blood taken and had the usual round of measurements. I've gained four pounds in the last four weeks - so 12 pounds total. Interestingly, I started gaining weight 12 weeks ago, so I've really gained about a pound a week. However, the holidays happened during that time, so some of that weight probably could/should have been avoided. Oh well. They are not worried.

What they are mildly concerned about is my measurements. For those who don't know, one of the ways that they measure me each visit is by taking a measuring tape and figuring how many centimeters (some docs use inches) it is from my pubic bone to the top of my uterus. This should measure about the same as how many weeks along I am. So, I should have measured about 28 centimeters. I measured 32 - or almost four weeks bigger than I "should" be. This is not a concern by itself, but last time we went, I also measured larger. I was supposed to measure at 24 weeks, but I measured at 26.

The continued pattern is what has them worried. I have another appointment in two weeks. They will measure me, and I will likely have to have another ultrasound to determine the actual size of Bailey. This is the bright spot in all of this. Our first ultrasound (at 20 weeks) measured Bailey dead-on target. They estimated her due date to be April 29th (which is only a couple of days away from the exact 40 week mark). The second ultrasound was at 24 weeks, when I measured two weeks too big. However, the ultasound once again sized Bailey perfectly - the estimated due date was again April 29th.

So, this could mean absolutely nothing. I am trying to hold on to that. It could also mean that I have gestational diabetes or some other something that I don't know about.

See, the problem here is two-fold. There is the natural concern that any parent feels when something "might be wrong". I want Bailey to be healthy. I want my body to be a healthy place for her to be for as long as she needs to be in there. The second side of all of this, though, is that if something goes wrong, my doctor is likely to recommend a c-section. For some, that might not mean anything, but for me it would be a devastating loss.

I've always viewed birth as one of the rights of passage in a woman's life. It means something to me. I've written a lot about what I want and what I don't want. All of that comes from the place inside of me that values the experience for myself as much as I do for the health of my child. I want to give birth. I want to feel it and be a part of it. I want for my body to be strong enough to bring Bailey into this world with nothing more than me and my partner supporting me.

Even the remote possibility that might be impossible is hard for me. Very, very difficult. It's not enough for me to just accept that this may be just the way it is. If that's what happens, I will find a way to be okay with it. But I will feel a profound sense of loss, and will have to work through the guilt.

Send me your good thoughts and energy. I hope this is nothing. I hope that I don't have to think about losing my birth experience. I hope that I don't have to prepare for that. Having Bailey, no matter how she comes into this world, is all that matters in the end. But anyone who has ever lived knows that the result is only a small part of the journey. It's everything that comes before that incredible moment when we hold her for the first time that I'm sad about today.