3 Layers

I see myself in three layers. The outer layer - the one that people see the most - is pretty easy. I'm not difficult to figure out. I'm pretty out there with how I feel, what I want and where I'm going. I'm willing to speak my mind, willing to shut up and listen, and able to adapt well in most environments.

The middle layer is the one that you see once you get to know me. This is where the "darker" side of me lurks...just below the surface. This is the side of me that loves controversy and drama. It's the part that likes nothing more than a REALLY good argument with someone smart (because arguing with stupid people is...well...stupid). This is where the truest passions live and where I get my edge, my energy and my heat from. This is the part of me that makes my mother laugh and my partner cringe when it's time for me to fight with her (I say it that way, cause Kelly doesn't fight back...she's not a yeller, like I am).

The final layer to me is the part that very, very few people in this world will ever know. It's the part that lives deep within and is my sustaining force. Kelly is the only person who knows this side of me very, very well. It's where all my fears live, and where the truest depth of my soul and my strength reside.

I'm finding, that in this pregnancy, the majority of my emotions are coming from this third layer of my life. Bailey, her presence in my body and her impact on our life together, has brought emotions to the surface that I didn't even know could exist. How can I feel so protective of something? To say that I would die for our daughter is an understatement. I would go through the worst torture in the world to save her from even a moment of pain.

Interestingly, I understand that I probably will do just that. Isn't that what parents say over and over again? That to watch your child go through pain is the most excrutiating thing a parent lives through? And yet, human beings must experience pain to grow.

Other than loving Kelly, I've never lived in the third layer of my being. I'm most comfortable in the second layer - I like those parts of me the most, and they are often the least vaulnerable. I find that in loving Kelly, and now, in loving Bailey, I have no choice but to live in the deepest parts of my soul. My partner and our child are my life. Pure and simple. It seems so easy, and yet the current of emotion that exists in that statement is so incredibly deep.

Just some of my thoughts this morning.