Happy Birthday, Rod

For those of you who don't know, my older brother passed away in August of 2005 from a massive drug overdose. It was an incredibly horrible and very sad experience for us as a family. Perhaps the worst part of it, though, was that one of the most incredible people I have ever known died. I spent a long time pretty angry at Rodney after his death. It's taken me a long time to forgive him and to find a place that can understand his addictions and his pain. I've come through that anger, and into a space of reflection and love where my brother is concerned. For those who knew him, he is not someone that can easily be forgotten. He was larger than life, his spirit huge and captivating. I've never known a person to so easily fit into any scene, any location and any group of people with the kind of ease that he did. Everyone loved him. They gravitated towards him. He brought light and laughter with him where ever he went.

For those of us who really knew him - knew his history and his story - he was truly magical. Rodney came through some of the worst kind of shit a person can live through. As his family, we traveled the road and took the hits with him, but as with any story - another person cannot live it for us, so in the end, it really was his experience alone.

A lot has happened since his death. I wish that Rodney could see the home that Kelly and I have created together. He would have been proud of me for that. I wish that he knew I was pregnant, and knew that he had another niece or nephew on the way. I wish deeply that our child could know him. It makes me sad beyond words that Rodney will be an unknown to the child inside of me. He'll be a story, a legend, a myth...but not a real live person.

Most of all, I hope - with all of my heart - that whatever journey he is traveling now is easier than the one that he traveled while alive in this world. I know he is out there in some form and that he checks back in now and then. Some days I wish I could talk to him, and other days I know that he already knows what I would have said.

Happy Birthday, big brother. Wherever you are, whatever your form, and whatever your journey - know that you are not forgotten and that you are still loved deeply by all of us here on earth.