Doula/Birthing Class Drama

I go back and forth. Initially, I was really happy with our doula. I was so excited about her that I even signed us up for the Bradley Method birthing class that she teaches. Off we went to her home, very excited, to do this class. And I had an absolutely horrible experience.

Let me just say that, while I get that ignorance comes in many forms and on many levels, I don't think that it is my job to have to deal with other people's issues with who I have made my life with. For all her wonderfulness with us as a couple while she was in her home, she really struggled with coming up with gender-neutral language while we were in the birthing class. She continually referred to the non-pregnant people as "Dads". While that may in fact be the case for the other two couples that were in the room, it's not the case for us. And no matter what else is true, I expect that my relationship and my partner and my partner's contribution to this pregnancy and to the raising of our child will be recognized. Period. There is no discussion about that. If a person cannot handle that, and cannot find it in their vocabulary to use the term "partner" or "labor coach" when talking directly to a group that includes non-heterosexual couples, then I am quite comfortable ushering them quickly out of my life.

See, this is where the line in the sand gets drawn, and it's probably a pretty good thing to get out there now. I am not a heterosexual woman and I am not a single woman. I am a very, very happily married woman. Our daughter is not going to have a mother and her partner. She is not going to have an alternative family. She is not going to have a mother and an adoptive mother. Our daughter is going to have two mothers. One of us called Momma and one called Mommy.

Language, while not important to those people who are not effected by it, is very important to me. To disregard Kelly's presence with the term "Dad" is not only offensive, it's flat out stupid. And it's a guaranteed ticket right out of our lives. No matter who you are.

The worst part about it, was that as we were all sitting there, the instructor asked the "Dads" to introduce each couple and include in the introduction the due date, the name of the doctor and the reasons why that couple was in the Bradley class. Not one of the two actual "Dads" in the room could do that. They didn't know the name of their doctor. They didn't know their child's due date. They couldn't answer the question of why they found themselves in a Bradley birthing class. These "Dads" (and I use the quotes on purpose) were unable to give even the most basic of information about their pregnant partners or their unborn children, and yet they were given a level of recognition that Kelly was denied. I mean, honestly, what did those "Dads" do to deserve the title? As far as I can tell, they fucked their wife and that's about it.

On the other hand, Kelly could stand in and speak for me in any situation. She knows all the details, all the symptoms, all the ups and downs of this pregnancy. She has been to every doctors appointment and is horrified by the suggestion that she wouldn't be there. She has supported me and has carried us through this with the might of a superhero. She's not failed me in any regard, and most importantly, she wouldn't. I am not a "pregnant wife" in this pregnancy. We are pregnant together, each holding up equally important ends of this journey. Yes, I am carrying the child, but she is carrying me. And I weigh more...both physically and mentally.

So she damn well better get the recognition and respect she deserves from those people who we are going to pay to be present at our birth.

Needless to say, we are not going with the doula. In fact, we are not going with any doula. This entire adventure has taught me two things - first, I am physically ready for this. I truly do trust myself and my bodies ability to give birth naturally and without medical intervention. I know how to breath, I know how to relax and I am not afraid. Second, my partner is the only doula I need. Kelly can calm me with a touch. Her voice relaxes me and wraps me in safety. She is the person that I look to for comfort and for encouragement. She believes that I can do this, and together, we are unbeatable.

In the end, no matter who else is present, the one person that I need to bring Bailey into this world is Kelly. She's carried us through this so far, and I have no doubt that she can carry us through it to the end. And if she can't, I can.

That's the way it has always worked for us. We've never failed each other yet...I don't suspect it'll happen during our birth.