Missing Her

I don't talk very often about having lost one of my very best friends in the world to people outside of my immediate circle. It happened quite a while ago and one would think that I would have gotten over it by now. It's funny, because she's not dead, she's not even very far away from my life. She just decided at some point (I'm not sure when) that she didn't want me in her life.

Through the last couple of years, I've rationalized it, fought it, greived it and been so angry I could spit nails over it. Today, I'm just kind of sad. This whole journey into motherhood is something that I fully expected to share with her. She's a mother already - in fact, gave her daughter my name (the middle one!). I was so looking forward to talking to her through all of these feelings, emotions and daily changes. I never imagined my world without her. From the second we became friends, I expected that were unbreakable.

I was proven wrong. In many ways, this was the first time in my life that I was completely wrong about a person. I would have laid down in front of a fast moving train with the complete confidence that she would have pulled me out of the way. I trusted her with my life - beyond question and without any doubt. It was shocking when she told me (via email) that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. Shocking and strange.

I guess part of being an adult is coming to grips with the fact that people make decisions that you don't understand and will act in ways that just don't make sense to me. Because I don't have a choice, I'll let her walk away. I emailed her when I found out that I was pregnant, and she didn't email me back.

I wonder if that will ever stop hurting?