It's All About Poop

It seems that much of what I post about these days is poop. Or extriment in some form or another. But what can I say? We're knee deep in shit and it just keeps piling.

We attempted panties for a full day on Saturday. Or rather, I attempted. Kelly looked at me like I was a fool when I put them on her. And she looked at me in pity when Bailey pooped in her panties. Then again when she pooped in them a second time 15 minutes later. And then again when she peed a river of urine that splashed off the chair, filled her shoes and covered the carpet. I know it takes time, but I was seriously grossed out. We went back to pull ups on Sunday and Bailey didn't use the potty once. *sigh* We'll try again soon. Maybe next weekend?

Connor is officially sleeping through the night. I can say this because he has gone to bed around 7:30 PM and not woken up until around 5 AM for 9 nights in a row. I think this makes it official. The next step is to move him out of our room. Up until a few weeks ago, we had assumed we would move him into Bailey's room and they would share a room. But given that he goes to bed before she does and that she is NOT quiet (and should not be expected to be), he is getting his own room. Which means that the holding pen for all things baby that are not longer needed that we call the guest room needs to be cleaned out. Which means I need to find new owners for all the things we no longer need and don't have room to store. Seems like I'll be pimping Craig's list for a while. Anyone having babies that needs STUFF? We have stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. And more coming.

Since this is the last baby, we are offloading all the stuff we stored when Bailey grew out of it.

We're okay. Kelly is struggling right now. It seems that one of us struggles at any given moment. We both need a break and our week-long, beach vacation in 2 weeks can't come soon enough. The time is needed. The break is needed. The change of scenery is needed. Seriously. I don't want to talk to much on this subject because 1) there are no solutions and 2) it just makes me feel sad, exhausted and strung out.

That's all for now.

Long Time Coming

I am such a bad, bad blogger these days. My only excuse is...well...there are many of them. Suffice to say that life is a tad busier these days than it has been in recent years. I apologize to the faithful readers out there who have gotten used to my long-winded journeys through my mind and details about our life. It's just been so busy. In any event, hopefully this blog won't disappoint!

We'll start with the youngest...

Connor

Our Connor has taken a turn for all grown up overnight. He went from this little cooing, perfect little baby to a full-on REAL baby overnight it seems! To start, he's sitting up fully. On his own. He sits and plays with his toys all by himself. Every now and then he leans too much to one side to get something and can't right himself. Then he tumbles over face first. Or sometimes he gets so excited he can't help himself and throws his little body backwards. We have pillows propped behind him for just these times. It breaks the fall.

Speaking of all grown up - our baby boy celebrated his 6 month birthday yesterday. I can barely believe it has been 6 months, and yet, as with Bailey, I can't remember a world without Connor. He is so deeply ingrained in the fabric of our lives that it's like he was always there. He had is 6 month check up on Friday. Kelly was heartily congratulated for making it through the first 6 months of breast feeding. She got an "A" from the doctor. He congratulated her in a way that made it seems like he would inevitably stop breastfeeding very soon...which isn't going to happen. Both Connor and Kelly are still very committed, and so it continues. He did advise us strongly that Connor needed a multi-vitamin because he's not getting formula. We just blew it off. Sometimes doctors are stupid. He's eating food regularly, but not a lot - he has a container of fruit in the morning and veggies at night. He loves his food. His 6 month stats - he's 18 pounds, 12 ounces and 27 inches long. He's in the 75th percentile for both. He's a chunky, healthy baby boy!

The final proof that our Connor is growing up? He's slept through the night for the past three nights. He is waking up once, but not until around 3 or 3:30 AM and then back to sleep for a few more hours. Good boy!!!! I like children who sleep...LOL!

Bailey

Bailey B also seems to have taken another leap forward. The kids don't seem to progress in small chunks; rather they burst forward into a new development seemingly overnight. She is talking, talking, talking...and getting all her pronouns right. She gets her tenses right 95% of the time. She fully communicates with her words and it's amazing. She's always been a great talker, but these days, it seems like she is talking so far beyond her age. She uses new words every day - big ones or complex ones...and she uses them correctly. You only have to read or say a word one time and she incorporates it into her vocabulary and uses it correctly moving forward. The only thing that she still does wrong is when I ask her "do you want to walk or do you want me to carry you". Her reponse is "carry you". No matter how many times I correct it, she still says it that way.

Today is big day for her - she starts in pre-preschool in her new room at school! This is a program approved by the Maryland Dept. of Education and had a pretty rigorous schedule and activities. Of course, it's pre-preschool. So it's not like real school. But it's a big deal for her and she is in a new room with new teachers. She was very, very excited to arrive this morning.

Another change in Bailey is her eating habits. She's finally eating sandwhiches and things that are multi-layered. I know that sounds strange, but she would never eat foods that were complicated. She liked bland pastas, or one-flavored items. This weekend she plowed through a grilled cheese and the other day, she ate a PB&J. Her first two-year molar is fully through with the other three coming quickly behind.

Potty training has stalled at home. If we take off her clothes, she will go on the potty when she needs to...but she is expressing a preference for wearing a diaper right now. On Thursday, she only went through one pullup at school, though. She went on the potty every time!!!! She's close. We're still not pushing it. It'll happen when it's time.

The Kids

I have to put this category in now, because this weekend the kids developed a relationship. Up until now, they have been aware of each other and Bailey has commented on Connor. She certainly loves him and knows he is there, but he was never really her focus. Same with Connor. But this weekend, that changed. They actively played together. Bailey cooked and fed him from her very own kitchen. Connor played along - reaching out for her and hanging in while she tormented him. It was super-cute and certainly a glimpse into the future.

Mikki/Momma

I am coming off a four-day sickness that kicked my ass. Seriously. The flu-like symptoms started on Wednesday night. Thursday and Friday were horrid. I started feeling better Friday night and was excited, thinking that I was going to have the weekend. But then, Saturday morning, my head cold kicked in. My nose was plugged solid for two days, finally starting to break up last night. I'm still not feeling great - maybe 60% today. Being a sick mother sucks. SUCKS. Other than that, things are okay. Normal. I'm busy with the above with relatively little time for other things and that's okay for now.

Kelly/Mommy

Kelly is hanging in there too. She is struggling a bit with Connor's weird breast-feeding schedule and trying to keep it all in order. She has also had to carry a lot of the weight the last few days because of my illness. She is gearing up for busy season at work. Other than that, not much is going on in her life that is any thing other than the above!

Us

We're okay. We dropped the kids off to a babysitter on Saturday afternoon. We went out to a Japanese steak house and had a great time. We spent some time wondering around Baby's R Us after. It was a very, very nice break. It's amazing to me how quickly we drift right back into "us" when the kids are not around. We're different people with our children and around our children. When we are alone, there is a power shift, a balance shift that happens. I think, for both of us, it's the most comfortable place for US. It's not how we parent, though, so it's important for us to get back there every now and then. We're keeping up our committement to regular dates and things are okay.

That's all for now!

Really...Not Much

Not much is happening. I'm not feeling well. The kids are fine. All is quite normal.

I promise I'll post more later.

Potty Training

Has moved into "Potty Reality". Bailey is very, very close to all the way there. In fact, if we took the intiative and took her diaper off and put on the panties that she chose this weekend, she would be there. In school, she wears pull ups, but they do the bathroom time every 45 minutes. She always pees on the potty and 99.5% of the time, her pull up is not wet. At home, she takes off her pants and pull up most nights and runs naked. When it's time to pee, she sits on the potty and makes it happen. Sometimes we reward, other times not. Last night, right after dinner, she ran to the potty and pooped. Like a big, adult-sized poop.

Funny the amount of congratulations you give for poop well done. LOL

In any event, we still cling a bit to diapers for ease, but we are there. The real question is when we will suck it up and make the final transition.

Random Friday Thoughts

Before I had children, I thought motherhood would come naturally to me. I envisioned these beautiful transitions into selflessness where the only thing that matter was my children. I imagined my marriage taking a natural back burner and that feeling okay, because it would be punctuated by wild sex and sweet, tender moments. I imagined giggles and hugs and moments of sheer beauty, without any of the other moments. Mostly, I imagined that I would continue to live up to my own impossibly high standards and I imagined that I would have the good grace to forgive myself when I didn't.

Silly me.

Motherhood has not come naturally for me. Mothering has come naturally. Being a mother to my children in their moments of greatest need is easy. Being the boo boo kisser and the crying comforter. Keeping track of their progress and their benchmarks and adjusting around it has come naturally. Being prepared with size 3 diapers when the size two ones don't fit - things like that. That is all natural, and easy. Allowing my children to fold into my heart is easy. Knowing that I would still choose this path is easy.

What isn't easy is the selflessness part. Or the part where I give up my relationship most of the time to be a parent. Sometimes I get so frustrated and I have nobody to vent it out on. Just talking about it isn't always enough - I want to throw a fit and be frustrated loudly. And I have to keep my shit in check, because it's not my kids' fault and it's not my wife's fault. It not anyone's fault...it just is.

We juggle a million things at all times. We really never get a break. I'm not sure that any parent every truly lets go of being a parent, but it sure would be nice to be able to just shut it down for a few. I find msyelf missing the freedom of non-parenting and single life. Even in the same breath, I know that I would never go back. I'm tired. I'm stressed out. I need some time to reconnect with my wife - god, I need her again. It's been over two years since we've really connected on the level that we used to. Sometimes I feel like we're lost completely. Other times, I catch a glimpse of us in passing as we each rush off in different directions. Those rare moments, when that look passes between us and the fire burns bright for a few seconds reminds me that we still have the love that created the life we live.

In my logical brain, I know this is temporary. I know, sooner than we would like to imagine, the kids will be out of these early years and will be more autonomous. I know they won't always keep us up every night. I know that there will come a day when they will play with each other and we'll wonder if we even exist in their worlds. I know this. I do. But it doesn't help right now, because right now is when I need some of the pressure lifted. I feel like a steam cooker, and the steam is just building and building.

We're going to the Outer Banks in September. My brother, his two kids, my mother and my best friend will be joining us. I can't wait. My mother is a goddess and she gets where I'm at. She knows how much we need some down time and our children love and trust her. She has cared for them exclusively (when we were in the hospital and for a week or so after we got home). We can leave them in her hands and walk away. Maybe for only a few hours, but a few hours is enough to reconnect. To find ourselves on the beach, alone, with a setting sun.

Parenting for me is hard work. I envy those who can just enter it without the drama. I wish I were one of those people.

What Can I Say?

I wish I had something positive to say. I don't. Connor has been sick for what feels like forever. We are both having to take way too much time off work to deal with our fucking crazy ass life and it's showing in the way our coworkers are responding to us. Even the most understanding of workplace environments have limits. Connor's not sleeping. Bailey is still in terrible two (although, it's been getting better, actually). And now, I'm sick (or getting there) with whatever nasty cold Connor has had. And, of course, I can't take any time off to get well because I have no time and I've depleted my repository of goodwill.

Life sucks right now. Seriously.

Such a BAD Blogger

These days it seems that I'm busier living my life than recording it. Which, in some ways, is good.

Everything in our house is status quo. Updates below...

Bailey

Bailey is a straight up typical two year old right now. A typical two year old with the vocabulary of a 3 year old and the attitude of...well...me! She's a hot shit and she's hard to take, usually in the same moment. She's developing in leaps and bounds right now. One day she will learn something and the next day it is mastered. It's the little things that get me - like the fact that she is swinging on the big kid swings at the playground instead of the little things. And how every night she picks out her own clothes for the next day and tells us what she wants for breakfast. Potty training is right on track - she uses the potty regularly at home and pretty much exclusively at school. She is still in pullups all the time - we haven't gotten that far, but more often than not, they are dry. She still requests diapers on the weekend, and we still let her have that, but she uses the potty most of the time. She has moved from having to be told to telling us when she needs to go pee. She knows that she will get chocolate (sugar-free most of the time) when she goes and she likes that motivation. The day when diapers for two are the thing are getting closer and closer to being gone. In the next month or so, we will introduce panties and I think that will jump it up. We are not pushing this one - she is doing this all on her own. I've found, that with Bailey, this is the way to go with the potty...and she's doing it. Our "goal" of having her potty trained when she is 2 1/2 seems to be right on track...but again, I don't really care. She is still throwing fits a lot. She is so fucking intense. Sometimes I just want to bang my head against the wall and throw a fit myself. Sometimes I do. She and I fight like...well...two year olds. Kelly reminds me in these moments that I am, in fact, not two. Even though I wish I could be. It seems to be a hallmark of the relationship that Bailey and I have that we will fight like hell and love just as hard. Hot and cold. It's appropriate. Kelly is either the queen shit to Bailey right now or she is just shit. Bailey seems to go back and forth and often, her desire to have Kelly be her primary in any given moment is based on whether or not she is pissed off at me. This is hard for both Kelly and I, but we both realize that it's developmental. It's still hard. I get frustrated on Kelly's behalf and have to remember that Bailey doesn't understand complex emotions yet. She is so advanced and I want to advance her even further. Kelly takes it better than I do, of course. She's better at these things. All in all, Bailey is who she is right now and that is both a fantastic thing and a trying, challenging thing. She seems to be right on track where she needs to be, and that means we're doing something right.

Connor

Connor continues his reign of super-happy, super-easy baby boy. He's still a doll and he's still as laid back as he ever has been. Often, I think Kelly and I both feel that he gets shunted to the side as we negotiate his high-spirited sister. We both make an effort in this area, and I feel like we've done a good job. In some ways, he will just get some of that. After all, he's not the first and our attention is divided. That's just a reality. He's a big boy - wearing 9-12 month clothes and he's only 5 months old. He's beginning the transition into solid foods. Right now, he eats a jar of fruit in the morning and veggies mixed with rice in the evening. Some days he eats better than others. Sometimes nothing will make him happy except Kelly's breast - other times he turns away from her breast for food. We've so far given him bananas, apples, carrots and sweet potatoes. No allergies yet and no upset tummy. He's also on rice cereal. This weekend we will transition him into oatmeal and start mixing the oatmeal with the fruit in the morning. Every 3-4 days we add something new. This is my area - Kelly has left the decision and the timings up to me. I love figuring out what comes next. I think I might try peas or green beans next. A green veggie. The next fruit will be prunes. He's still in stage 1 food and will be for another 2-3 weeks, I suspect. The benchmark is sitting unsupported by himself. Speaking of those benchmarks - he's right on track. He sits for a few seconds unsupported, but no longer falls completely over. He sort of leans and needs to be righted. He's getting there. He is trying very, very hard to crawl - he's got all the right motions. In another month or so, he'll have it figured out. Connor doesn't get as much tummy time as Bailey did. For starters, it's hard to leave your infant on the floor with a two year old running around and three cats. And then, couple that with the fact that we just simply don't have the time to sit on the floor for a long period of time and supervise the situation. There is always shit to do. But he gets some time each night. I wear him when we get home - he makes dinner with me. It's the one thing that we do each night and I think he enjoys the time. I did the same thing with Bailey. It's my time to whisper in his ear and tell him all about what we are doing. He likes washing dishes with me and gets very excited when I open the fridge. In general, his personality is just laid back. If we allowed it, he would like nothing more than to be propped up and watching Barney or Elmo with Bailey. He LOVES the TV in a way that is almost obscene. He could spend hours there, happily zoning out to the bright colors and music. We don't allow it - he spends his time with us or in his excersaucer or jumper. Sometimes he'll spin the seat and watch TV...but TV is never his primary form of entertainment. Much like is Mommy, Connor is nosy. He struggles to breastfeed when we are all around - the noises and the action from Bailey are very distracting for him. He wants to see what is going on. He doesn't necessarily want to be a part of it, but he wants to be able to observe. He's very much like Kelly.

Momma & Mommy

I think, all told, we're doing well in this parenting thing. Every day we figure it out a little more and the gunk that is a new baby junking up the routine is beginning to fade into an ordered method of parenting. We're so much better at multi-tasking now that we have two. We've also gotten much better at the conquer and divide thing. We alway did things together when it was just Bailey. With two, that just doesn't make sense. We divide it up and get it done more quickly, leaving more time for us. We are also getting better at just relaxing and letting things happen as they will. While we always work within a schedule, we are better at being free-flowing. Things seems to have gotten more normal. We are also making more of an effort to be a couple and not just a parenting team. We are spending more time together, snuggling more in the evening, and making plans for dates. It's slow - any new thing added to our life takes a bit of time to work it's way in. But we are doing it and we are better for it. I think I can speak for both of us when I say that "we" have gotten so much better. And it is reflected in everything.

Mikki & Kelly

There isn't much going on in the side of our lives that are not connected to parenting. I got some pretty exciting news yesterday that hasn't panned out yet. I am super excited, but can't share or talk about it until it's firm. So, that'll keep you coming back. We are both ready for our vacation in early September. We need the time off, the easy time with the kids and the connection to my family. It'll be good.

That's all for now!

Fast and Slow

It's funny how sometimes I feel like there is so much happening, and yet time is moving quite slowly. This is one of those times.

There isn't much new to report. Connor had his first meal of carrots and rice on Monday night. He had a meal of carrots last night. We will start him on bananas this weekend and begin to establish a morning/night feeding ritual. I'm sure it will quickly snowball into full on feeding all the time. He loved it both times, eating all that we offered. We're taking it slow in order to minimize any transition issues that he may have moving from breast milk to food. We tried just cereal, mixed with breast milk and he didn't like that. Kelly's sister suggested using formula to mix the cereal. We may try that. Simply put, Connor loves eating. He thinks it funny, giggling and enjoying himself immensely every time we put food near him. It's such a joy to finally be able to take an active part in the ritual of feeding my son. It's something I have missed hugely and I am happy that he is now ready to eat in a way that facilitates my participation.

With that said, he's still getting up once a night to eat - the last couple of days it has been in the wee morning hours (2 on Monday night, 3 last night). The food just isn't sticking long enough and he obviously wakes up hungry. We decided last night that for now, we will have a four-hour rule. What that means is that if he wakes up fussing within 4 hours of his last feeding, we will let him cry for 7 minutes before we respond. If he wakes up fussing and it's been longer than 4 hours, we will respond immediately. This is our first attempts at letting the little man of the house figure out how to put himself back to sleep. Of course, as time goes on (and time in baby terms is really usually only weeks and sometimes days) we'll reevaluate and change it up as needed.

Can you tell that Kelly and I are driven by schedules, goals and structure? In order to have a manageable night time response, we have to figure out a way to handle it that has measurable goals and certain outcomes. We can lay there and listen to him cry if we have set a goal and have a limit (in this case, four hours and 7 minutes of crying). But if we don't have limites like that, we end up laying there listening to him cry and getting more and more irriated. Then we fight. We have learned a lot since Bailey was this age.

For the record - we used the cry it out method with Bailey to great success and will use it again with Connor. We have been really good about not setting Connor's limits around what they were with Bailey. The two children are completely different and respond differently. Where Bailey was driven to always reach the next milestone, Connor seems much happier just drifting along. He seems to reach each new place as if by accident and is then delighted when he discovers he can do something new. He takes such joy in the world. So, for him, this schedule will be our guide for now and we'll change it up when he's ready.

Bailey seems to be pushing every limit there is. She has begun the process of doing something that she knows she cannot do and then looking at us to see if she got caught. Last night, she hit Pitter with a pillow. This has been a reccuring theme. Partly, it is because Pitter is the only one of our three cats who comes around her. The other two flee. But Pitter puts herself, literally, under your feet and demands attention. This annoys us all. But it seems to really grate on Bailey. So she has started to get a bit aggressive with her, and we have responded by becoming increasingly insistent that she not be aggressive. So on Monday night, she clocked Pitter with a puzzle piece. The resulting time out caused a massive meltdown that led to her eventually being taken upstairs, given her bath and put to bed without any further playing. So then last night, she pulls a pillow off the couch and clocks Pitter with it, and then looks up at me smiling. Of course, I responded by immediately putting her in timeout. She started the process of falling out and I went back on my general approach and reminded her that if she melted down, she would go to bed without any further playing. This seemed to help remind her of the consequences and after 4 false starts, she finally served her timeout appropriately.

This all just serves to remind Kelly and I that we have a hell of a little girl. She is intense and determined. I can think of many times in her life when these qualities will be huge assets and I am so glad they are present. It also means that we have to be just as strong. Unfortunately, the boundries that we must set up for her have to be rigid. She doesn't understand fluidity and flexibility only gives her enough rope to hang herself. She operates best in a structured environment that forces her to focus and stay focused. Of course, she gets tons of free time and free play - that's not what I'm talking about. It's about the rules and requirements for her behavior. If there is ever a crack in the rules, she exploits it immediately. And then she gets very upset about being punished. In fairness to her, we must keep the rules 100% consistent and the punishment swift and fair and expected. She knows she will get a timeout if she hits. Period. And even when it's inconvenient (like when I have dinner cooking), we have to make it work.

That's all for now. Not much else going on....

Sickness

Well, all of Connor's issues can be explained by the fact that he was developing a double ear infection and two teeth were popping through. He did not sleep at all on Tuesday night. He was up every 20-40 minutes and what rest he did get was in our arms. We were exhausted and I took Wednesday off to be with him. I got him into the doctors and it was a double ear infection. Added on top of that are the two teeth that are trying really hard to break through and he has a cold. No wonder the poor guy couldn't sleep!!!

He's been in quite a bit of pain and we are not shy about using Tylenol. It helps. He makes it very clear when he's hurting and about 40 minutes after giving him Tylenol, he feels better. We rub his gums as well, but he's not a huge fan. Being a breast fed baby, he wants to suckle everything.

We decided to go with a round of anitbiotics for his ears, because honestly, we didn't have the few days to wait it out and see if it would clear up on his own. We can't go without sleep.

Two days later, he's like a new boy. Our smiler is back. He's still not sleeping great, but that is becasue the Tylenol wears off. He doesn't seem to deal very well with pain...but then, what baby does?

Bailey finally went pee on the potty at home!!!!! We've been working on it for a couple of months now, and she finally did it! She's asked a number of times to sit and we, of course, allow it. She hasn't made any progress up until last night. Now the real potty training begins. We'll have to start being diligent about it. I'm thinking of pulling out the stop watch and taking her to the potty every 45 minutes or so. M&M's for every time she goes. I'm hoping to have her potty trained by the end of the summer...

That's all for now. I'm hoping that Kelly and I will make it out to see Harry Potter this weekend. We were going to wait until next weekend, and we still may, but I'm super anxious to see the movie. So I'm hoping to convince her to do it this weekend...we got another babysitter from Bailey's school. It makes me feel SOOOO comfortable knowing she's with her teachers when we leave her.

That's all for now!

She and He

She is going through a terrible, terrible phase. Everything is said in a whine. Everything that is not said in a whine is said in a demand, usually accompanied by the thrusting of her hand (as if she is hitting us). She is hard to keep happy. She isn't eating very well and would rather have popcycles and pieces of cheese than just about anything. She refuses to move foward with potty training. She is obsessed with "creams" of all kinds for any kind of wound, bug bite or diaper rash. She is all about me and is downright mean to Kelly. She loves and hates Connor in equal proportions. She is ridiculously obsessed with Barney in a way that makes me want to cry.

He is either in a growth spurt or is changing his eating habits, because one day he is fine and the next day he eats like a demon. We don't know if we should start cereal or not and the one time we tried, he vomited it all up. Speaking of vomit - he does it often, and generally on me. It's gross and even more disgusting that I walk around all night with vomit on my clothes. He rolls over, but then forgets that he can roll back, so he fusses until someone comes to pick him up. Speaking of picking him up - he generally won't be left alone right now. 100% interaction is what he wants. He's sleeping like shit - either because of the growth spurt or because of the rolling issue, we're not sure. He's up a lot at night and then gets up super early in the morning. This morning it was 3 AM. He seems to sleep alright in his swing. Downstairs. Leaving one of us (generally me) sleeping on the couch. When he is in a good mood, he's all about grabbing, drooling and thrusting about, making it hard and drippy to hold him. And he's big, so wearing him in the front carrier, while always a good option, hurts like a bitch.

We are tired, grumpy, sick of children and both of us are slammed at work. It's summer and everyone else is moving slower or on vacation. We're working harder and exhausted. We want a break and can't have one. We'd love to just ditch the kids with someone for a day, but working parent guilt prevents us from doing that and feeling okay about it. We are finally rediscovering each other after a long, long pregnancy and Connor's first months, but we're too tired to really do it. Kelly is struggling with worry over her milk supply and we want to keep Connor breast fed only until he's 6 months. We don't know if it'll happen.

And there is always fucking dishes, cat litter to be scooped, laundry to be done, toys to be picked up, breakfast and dinner to be made, diapers to be changed, endless spills to be wiped up and never, ever enough fucking time.

Crib Time!

Connor was moved out of his pack n' play last night and into his big-boy crib that he will be in until he's in a toddler bed!!!! The crib is still in our room for another few months. He did AWESOME - slept great and even rolled over onto his tummy at some point.

Our baby boy blue is growing up so fast!!!!!

Some Funny Tidbits

Because I can't seem to put two coherent thoughts together these days, I provide you with just a few simple tidbits of information to keep you coming back!

1) Bailey is brilliant. This was confirmed on the 4th of July when she took her M&M cookies and dipped them in the pool. One of the party goers finally figured out what she was doing. She was dissolving the cookie to get to the M&Ms - the wet cookie broke away from the candy clean and she was left with a nugget of chocolate. Brilliant!

2) We call Connor "babababa boy"...because he's blowing bubbles and saying "babababa" a lot.

3) Bailey calls her fingers by the names designated in the song about fingers. Thumbkin is my favorite. Particularly when she comes over to me and tells me that she has "hurt my thumbkin".

4) Connor has mastered rolling over and cannot be more proud of himself. The second he is on the floor, he rolls over...and over...and over. Only a matter of time before he's crawling. God help us.

5) Bailey loves to dance. She gets it all moving and makes me want to dance too. So I do. It's so much fun to "shake my sillys out" with Bailey. It's even more fun when Mommy joins in.

6) Connor and Bailey are the light of our lives right now. There are no other words that can describe it.

The Time They Are A Changin'

The FSAO Picnic in 2007, 2008 and 2009...

Some Quick Updates

I was out of work yesterday and while I checked email all day, I still have lots of catching up to do...so this will be brief.

Connor's 4 month check up was yesteday. He is super healthy - 16.6 pounds, 26 inches long and and a head circumfrence of 45. He's in the 75th percentile for weight (same as last time), 75th percentile for height (up from 50th last time) and 90th percentile for head. He's gonna be smart!

He got two shots and an oral vaccination yesterday. A part of me hates vaccinations, but then I remember that we live in a place where if a major disease hit, our kids would be likely to be exposed. Then I don't mind the vaccinations to much.

We had Kelly's company picnic yesterday. It was fun in a work kind of way. The weekend was lovely. This weekend will be better. We're hosting a party for the 4th of July. Lots of good BBQ, beer, friends and fireworks. Good times!

Bailey's favorite saying right now is "Oh, My Man!". Where did she come up with this, I don't know. LOL - it's not a phrase heard often in our house...

All is well. More later.

Catch Up Time

I'm sorry that I haven't been blogging. It seems that the harder things get, the more I withdraw. Things these days are not so hard emotionally, but more the grind is exhausting. And so I don't write. Sorry about that.

I have been super-busy at work. We had a major meeting taking place this week (and through the weekend) that I was solely responsible for coordinating. There were a million moving parts and it threw me back into my JSA days of event organizing. I don't do much of that anymore - I'm more of a report/data/website girl. This is good experience for me and it gave me a ton of face time in front of some very important people in the firm. Good for career development. Good for professional development. Not so good for my personal sanity. I'm not a huge fan of event management. I mean, I do it...and I do it very well. The key to event management is organization, calm and resourcefullness. I have all of those things when I choose to. But it's not what I enjoy. I just hate the constant changing up, adapting, recreating and the hurry up and wait. It's been stressful for me.

And then, to top it all off, I had to attend a dinner on Wednesday night at 7:30 PM. In the city. Now. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy a good dinner in a nice restaraunt as much as the next person. Especially when I don't have to pay for it. But on a Wednesday night? While my wife is home alone with the babies, trying to hold it all together? Not so much. It sucked. I hated being away from my kids. I hated feeling like I off-loaded my responsibility onto Kelly. I hated feeling like I was required to attend this networking celebration event, when honestly, I just wanted to be at home. This is not my thing. I did it. And again, I did all the right things. But it sucked. It was hard on all four of us. And once again proved to me that our routine is actually a good thing. It's something we all rely on to keep the insanity of our life in check.

The other major event that happened this week was that I witness Bailey being man handled by her daycare provider. I showed up early on Monday and watched her teacher grab her by the arm and pull her very hard. It left a thumb print on her upper arm and she stumbled to the floor. This was unprovoked - in that Bailey was just standing there when she did it. I went into the bathroom when I saw this (the teacher didn't know I was there, as her back was to me) and I said "Don't ever touch my child that way again." I did not say anything after that, as I was in the bathroom with other children. I enforced the timeout that the teacher had given Bailey prior to the yanking incident and then I marched into the director's office. I cried, which sucked...but I couldn't help it. I reported the incident and it was handled properly. After gauging Bailey's reaction, the director's reaction and subsequent follow up and recieving a very heart felt apology (and ownership) from the teacher, we have moved on. I do think this was a one-off event and not a continueing problem. Bailey likes the teacher - she says so. She is not scared of her. She doesn't have a negative response to her. And she has before, to other teachers. If she was having a major issue with the teacher, we would be able to tell. I have put this in the category of things that I wish I hadn't seen, but am glad I was able to deal with appropriately. It seems that when it comes to our children, I am able to keep my cool and do what's right. That makes me glad.

With all that said, if anything like this ever happens again, I will hunt the bitch down and destroy her. Happily.

Other than this, Bailey is doing extremely well. She is in love with her new school, finally. The transition is complete and has been for a couple of weeks. She is back to good and that makes us so happy!!! We both feel like the shaky ground that she was standing on has solidified. She's fully adjusted to Connor and she's no longer having weirdness. Thank god. It's a sign of some normalcy.

Connor is amazing. He's growing so quickly. We have to get some video of his huge belly laughs. He's showing some signs of being a drama queen, similar to his sister. He gets very angry when he is left alone...unless of course, he's watching TV. The kid LOVES the television. Of course, we do everything in our power to prevent him from watching it when Bailey does. He makes dinner with me rather than watching Barney with Bailey. But if he catches sight of it, hs'e hooked. If he's hungry, his world falls apart. And if he's tired, watch out! He decides at some point between 7 and 7;30 at night that he is ready for his bedtime routine (naked time, bath time, breastfeeding time, then bed). It all takes about 45 minutes, with the majority of that time being breastfeeding time. And if it doesn't happen as soon as he decides he's ready, there are big huge problems. This is really the only time that Connor cries like he is being tortured. It unravels Kelly and is very loud...so we often comply immediately.

He's waking up once a night. Depending on how he ate during the day, that one time can be around midnight or around 4 AM. It just depends. Sometimes he'll sleep straight through. Other times he wakes up. He's 4 months, so we don't worry yet. We suspect that when he starts eating solids, he'll start sleeping longer.

He too is being inocculated into the McFadden need for schedule. It seems that we are going to infect our children with our same need for order and routine. Of course, it could be no other way, but it's funny to watch it happen this time around.

Me and Kelly are both hanging in there. We're tired, strung out, overwhelmed and bored. But we're doing okay. We both have all our hopes hung on the concept that this will change as they get a bit older. That we're in the weeds right now, but eventually it will be different. It took a year for things to get back to a "normal" place with Bailey. We've still got a long way to go.

No Time No Energy

The mantra of my life. I'm swamped and too tired to write about everything that is going on. I promise updates soon.

Everyone is well.

CONGATS!!!!

A huge, huge, huge shout of congratulations to our dearest friends Monica and Susanne over at Susanica. They are expecting their second child right around the Christmas holiday!

Congratulations from the bottom of our hearts, ladies!!!! We love you so much!

This One Might Be Tough

For some of you. Not for me.

So, I mentioned in previous blogs when I was pregnant with Bailey that I have always harbored a fear that I would molest my children. This perfectly normal fear is based on having been molested many times in my childhood. The fact that I can name it, own the fear and move on is a testament to the years of therapy that I went through.

Of course, my fears have proven to be unfounded. There is this moment that has happened with both of my children where I realized in a split second that I would kill myself before I would ever hurt them. I would leave them if I couldn't be safe around them. I would remove myself from them. And I trust that. I have put aside my fears because my gut, my instincts, my heart tells me that I would never perpetrate them the way that I was. I just wouldn't.

So why bring this up now?

Because last night I had a new series of thoughts about it. Most nights, I am the person who baths our children. I'm good at it, I enjoy the intimacy and they seem to like it as well. We used to always bath Bailey together, but the addition of Connor just naturally changed the routine. I found myself staring at Connor while I was bathing him, drinking in his beautiful little body. I was watching his arms shake, the way his knees bend, the crinkles in his neck. I love touching their bodies when they are all soapy and wet and warm and silky smooth. I love running my hands along them and feeling their crevices. I love the way they giggle when I find the perfect ticklish spot and the way that their eyes sparkle as they feel my love flow through my hands. I love the sheer intimacy that caring for them in such a profound way brings.

And because of my history, I have to examine it. I find myself having to step back from those moments and sort out in my head the seperaration between sexual intimacy and loving intimacy. And I have realized, in a way that a therapist telling me never could make me realize, the very profound difference between the two.

See, it's not something I ever learned from my partner. Not that Kelly and I don't have moments of intimacy that are not sexual...we do...but in all honesty, they are rare for me. In many ways, I have always equated the intimacy of touch with sex. It's one of the effects of having touch be sexualized in such a negative way. It's something that I have always carried with me.

But with my children, there is a clear line and that line has taught me so much. I have never felt even a wisp of my worst fear with them. I can touch them in the most intimate ways and it has never felt sexual. I am so thankful for that. In a way that a person who has not been sexually violated may not understand. You have no idea the depth fo the fear that I carried and that I still carry to this day. That I can put my mouth on my sons lips and kiss him over and over again while he giggles and slobbers and licks my lips and NOT feel like I am violating him is such an amazing thing.

I am so thankful for all those years of therapy. My mother did such an amazing job in pulling me through that and not letting that crap fester. I can talk about this stuff. I can shine the bright white light on the fear and name it. I can own my shit, walk through it and come out the other side. Without the support and the tools that therapy has given me, I wouldnt' be able to that. And maybe, I wouldnt' be able to seperate the two. And maybe I would have missed so much of this intimacy with my children that makes the love I have for them so deep.

Thank god I am not missing this. Because those moments with my children are so precious to me. More precious than just about any other moment.

Another One For My Love

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water if I can tell you what’s next
Make you believe, make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet,
perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water, if i could tell you what’s next,
make you believe, make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart
I can taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God
when you come on 
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on love
Singin' shalala la
Singin' shalala la
ooo
ooo
ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love

(come on get higher, loosen my lips)It's all wrong
(faith and desire at the swing of your hips)It's all wrong
(just to pull me down hard and drown me in love)It's all right

So, come on, get higher
Come on, get higher
'Cause everything works in your
Everything works in your arms

For You, My Love

I remember, trying not to stare the night that I first met you 
You had me mezmorized 
And three weeks later, in the front porch light 
taking forty-five minutes to kiss goodnight 
I hadn't told you yet 
but I thought I loved you then 

And now you're my whole life 
now you're my whole world 
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl 
Like a river meets the sea, 
stronger than it's ever been. 
We've come so far since that day 
And I thought I loved you then 

And i remember, taking you back to right where I first met you, 
You were so surprised 
There were people around, but I didn't care 
Got down on one knee right there once again, 
I thought I loved you then 

And now you're my whole life 
now you're my whole world 
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl 
Like a river meets the sea, 
stronger than it's ever been. 
We've come so far since that day 
And I thought I loved you then 

I could just see you, with a baby on the way 
And I could just see you, when your hair is turning gray 
What I can't see is how I'm ever gonna love you more 
But I've said that before 

And now you're my whole life 
now you're my whole world 
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl 
We'll look back someday, at this moment that we're in 
And I'll look at you and say 
And I thought I loved you then 
And I thought I loved you then