Just To Busy

That's my excuse.  I'm just too busy to write much anymore.  Which completely and totally sucks, because there is actually a lot going on.  I think I'll take this post by each individual person...

Bailey

Our Bailey is doing very, very well right now.  She seems to have hit another one of those points where one day she is years more advanced than she was just the day before.  For instance, her already advanced language skills seems to have advanced a bit further.  She is talking in full, complete sentences at all time.  The other day, I asked her if she was cold (because it was windy) and she said, "No Momma, I'm not cold.  I'm warm."  Okay.  That answered that question.  She's also doing some pretty clear logical thinking.  We were at the park, and I asked her if she was hungry.  Just like that, "Bailey, are you hungry?"  She looked at me for a second and then said, "No, I'm not hungry, I want to stay at the park."  Obviously, she has figured out that the wrong answer to that questions will mean that we'll leave the park and go get food.  And she didn't want to leave the park.  She dresses herself.  We don't really have her do it all the time, because she's not great at it.  But she can get herself completely naked and then mostly dressed (she struggles with the socks) without must issue.  She sings full songs from start to finish. 

Really, she just blows my mind right now.  She has fully transitioned to her big girl bed without any issues.  She wanted it and now she sleeps in it.  Done.  This Friday morning, we are going to throw away all the binkys in the house.  She is really, really going to struggle with this one.  Other than just hanging on through hours of tears and no sleeping, I think we'll be okay.  This is one struggle that is going to break her heart...but it's time.  She is two and it needs to go.  Connor doesn't use a binky.  Occassionally, we'll give it to him, but he almost never wants it.  He'll go binky-free at the same time, just for consistency.  

We are still pending potty training.  She's not really focused on it right now.  I have to believe that there will come a time when she will pursue it.  They put her on the potty multiple times a day at school and we will soon start doing the same at home on the weekends.  I think the right first step will be to get rid of the diapers all together.  But this is not an issue we are pushing or feel any urgency about.  

Finally, our perfect eater is no longer a perfect eater.  In fact, she is downright finicky!!!!  She really only wants cereal or pancakes for breakfast, and mac and cheese and turkey hot dogs all the rest of the time.  And mandarin oranges.  We can get her to eat other pasta dishes, but rarely anything else.  Some chicken.  Some cheese.  Not much else.  It's frustrating, but I am comforted by the fact that all kids go through this.

Connor

Our Connor is going through the same type of development spurt that Bailey is going through.  It seems like overnight he has morphed from a helpless infant into a baby.  He has long periods of being awake, he's sleeping 6-8 hours at a stretch at night, with a second 2-3 hour stretch after a feeding.  I walked into daycare yesterday and found him playing in their exersaucer!  Our freakin' 3 month old baby was playing and having a great time!!!  We got ours out and cleaned up again last night and he played in the one at home too.  He recognizes us clearly now - all three of us.  He smiles and hugs.  His Mommy is his favorite person in the world.  Partly, I assume, because he is still exclusively breast-fed...but also because she just gets him.  They are very, very similar creatures.  He gets thrown by loud craziness...unless it is the usual loud craziness of Bailey.  Generally, though, if she cries and carries on, so does he.  He doesn't like to feel disconnected.  He doesn't like to be left for any real period of time by himself.  He seems to be as social as Bailey, but in a different way.  He likes to be around people and busyness...but he doesn't interact with it the way that she did.  He watches.  He ponders.  He stares.  He is going to be an observer in the same way that his Mommy is an observer.  

He seems to find lots of comfort in me, so I am not too upset that Mommy is his clear favorite.  LOL - it was bound to happen that way.  He relaxes with me and snuggles with me.  He is a bit thrown, though, because nearly every time he is in my arms, Bailey wants to be there too.  She doesn't much like it when I spend exclusive time with Connor.  We are working on that and forcing the issue some, because she needs to share.  She's adjusting.

He's pretty big at this point.  He's in 6-9 month clothes for the most part.  He's probably 15 pounds, although he hasn't been weighed in a while.  We are still medicating him for yeast, but it seems to be getting better.  Kelly is also still being medicated for yeast.  At this point, we are just trying to keep it managable.  We've read that it will probably not completely go away until we can isolate him (meaning, until he is not breast fed).  Kelly is committed to at least 6 months, so we are 2 1/2 months away from the isolation happening.  She may decide to go longer.

Bailey and Connor

Bailey and Connor are developing a relationship.  I guess I should say that Connor is really, really interested in his sister and Bailey is very much possesive of Connor.  When I picked them up yesterday, I got Connor first.  I didn't want for her to be around the other babies, touching and spreading germs.  She is impossible to contain, so I got him first.  I then brought him over to her room to pick her up.  All the kids swarmed his carseat, which I had sitting on the table.  I told the kids that it was fine to look, but not to touch. Bailey policed the situation quite impressively.  Every time one of the other kids tried to touch the car seat, Bailey would say "No, that's my baby".  LOL - she calls him "Connor Buddy" most of the time.  Yesterday, when we were driving home, she started naming who we all were.  She said "Mommy is a woman.  Momma is a woman.  That is a man (a stranger on the street).  Pitter is a kitty.  Connor is a buddy."  SERIOUSLY cute!!!!  I laughed and laughed.  Then, Connor started to cry...cause he hates the car seat - and she tried to reach over to him saying "It's okay, little Connor Buddy, it's okay.  Look, see, we're almost home.  Do you remember, Connor Buddy, we're almost home?"  She's such a good big sister!  I can only imagine them in 6 months, when he is moving and trying to start to talk.  God, it's going to be funny.

Mommy

Kelly is doing well with the transition back to work.  As well as can be expected of a breast feeding mother who is only 13 weeks post partum.  She's struggling with the separation.  She talks about the physical cravings she has for Connor, and you can hear the sadness in her voice.  I think she is trying to be gentle about it, because the difference between my reaction to returning to work (sheer joy) and her reaction is very different.  Kelly really does try to be gentle about the fact that she did not suffer post partum depression.  It's a very raw spot for me, so she treads lightly.  With that said, her struggle is just different than mine.  While she would never choose to be a stay at home mom, I think she would probably choose to take a year off to be with Connor if that were an option.  Maybe a little less - maybe only the time that she is breast feeding.  

The breast feeding is going well.  She is incredibly proud of her ability to do this and make it work.  Especially because it was so, so difficult at the beginning.  And because I have not been the most supportive partner through the process.  I am guilty of being incredibly selfish about it and not wanting her to feed him that way.  It's been hard for me to seperate my feelings of guilt (for not being able to breast feed Bailey) and frustration (for having my wife's body belong to someone else) and jealousy (because she can and I couldn't and because Connor is attaching to her more quickly), with my very real understanding that this IS for the best.  This is what is best for Connor.  So not only has she had me and this relatively toxic environment, but she has also been dealing with a yeast infestation that took hold at 3 weeks and is still a factor.  She's managed to continue breast feeding and has a thriving child to show for it.  This is a very real reason to be proud...and she is.  Connor loves her breasts!!!  He gets all cranky when he goes without them and will not be satisfied with a bottle if she is anywhere near him.  If he can smell her or hear her voice, it must be the boob or nothing!  

Kelly is experiencing something with Connor that she didn't experience with Bailey.  She loved Bailey from the start, deeply and truly.  That is the same.  What is different is that her confidence in her ability to parent Connor is so strong.  She is bonded to him in a way that goes beyond the normal love that you feel for your child.  The biological connection has been very real, along with the 2 years of practice that she got with Bailey.  She is very, very much in love with him.  She feels what I felt for Bailey, once I was able to move through my post partum depression.  There is something to the biology of mothering.  I would have denied it before Connor was born...until I felt the difference.  Loving Connor for me has been an act of falling in love with him, of learning him, of becoming his parent through the daily tasks of parenting.  Bailey was an instant, immediate connection.  I knew her in my soul, in my bones, in my heart long before I could have articulated it.  It's strange, because I could never compare the two - it's just different.  Neither is better, and I would die for either of my children - but there is a difference.  A big one.  And Kelly is experiencing it from the other side.  It is a joy to watch her love like this.

Momma

All told, I am well.  The initial shock of having a new child in the house has worn off.  Connor just belongs with us and that is that.  I'm over the fit-throwing desire to yank my wife back to me.  I'm through the worst of the exhaustion.  I'm doing okay.  

With that said, I crave a bit more normalcy.  We are developing a routine and that feels good.  The more developed it becomes, the happier I will be.  

I am desperately missing my wife.  Kelly and I are still seperated by a lot right now and while we have found very brief moments where we have the time and energy to cross the invisible line that seperates us, those moments are rare.  We are both missing each other, but even the act of "missing" takes time and energy we don't have.  I just have to keep holding on through this and believe it will get better.  This part sucks for me, and honestly, it make the rest of it a bit less enjoyable.  I hate the distance, which might be why I dislike early infancy so much. 

All in all, though, I can't complain.  We are doing okay and it's only getting better.  

There is more, but I've been writing for an hour and I don't have time to keep writing.  I'll be back tomorrow!

Maine Maine Maine...and other stuff

So, I'm super, ridiculously swamped at work and don't want to do it...so here I am writing away.  

Yesterday was hell-day for Kelly.  Everything that could go wrong did.  Bailey spilled water all over herself while Kelly was feeding Connor, making a clothing change necessary.  Kelly sat Connor down to deal with the issue and he exploded in poop all over himself and his clothing.  On the way upstairs to change and re-dress both kids, Bailey threw a fit because she wanted to be carried.  Once upstairs, Bailey pooped while Connor was being cleaned up and redressed.  Bailey was finally redressed and the kids were loaded into the car.  Bailey fell out as Kelly was trying to drop her off.  When she finally managed to complete that handout, and get Connor over to his room, she realized that in our exhaustion the night before we had filled the bottles and put rings and caps on them...but no nipples.  Breast milk was everywhere in the insulated bag that we use.  She lost about 3 ounces total (an entire feeding for the most part) and had to go home, get nipples, clean up the mess and bring it all back.  So, of course, she missed the bus and had to drive to work.  

Hell morning.  Poor girl.  She hung in there, though, and we made it through the day.

My job sucks right now.  I am actively looking for another one, so if anyone out there is in the DC area with a job that I can work 6:30-3 and make around 55K a year, please let me know.  I'm a kick ass worker, with nothing but perfect reviews for the last 5 years.  I really am good at what I do.  And what do I do, you might be wondering?  Well, everything!  Honestly.  I can manage programs, do financial stuff, create webpages and trouble-shoot technical issues.  I do all kinds of stuff and I've never found anything that I can't master.  So...if there is anything out there, let me know!  

I'm tired of working at 170% all the time.  And this year, I'm going to lose about 10K in salary because they took away overtime and are not giving bonuses.  On top of that we are in a salary freeze, meaning that I'm not getting an annual increase.  Fine.  But then, back the fuck off and let me just work like a normal person.

Anyway.

All of this is going away for a few days, because I'm going to Maine!  And I get to take my Bailey with me and show her my state.  She'll see the ocean for the first time ever.  I'm just so freakin' excited!!!  I'm really bummed about being away from Connor and Kelly, but honestly, it's a secondary emotion to being back in Maine.  I need to go "home" for a couple of days.  It's been since 2006.

Now, I must work.  Of course.

The First Day

It's funny, but Kelly's first day back at work held more signficance for me than Connor's first day at school.  I guess it's because having a child in childcare is sort of old-hat to me.  Having a wife, who just biologically had a child, back to work is not.  

In any event, it went well.  The day was long - we calculated that we both went at a dead sprint for 17 hours yesterday.  Without stopping.  It was long, it was lots of work and it was dirty.  But it worked.  This schedule that we keep is insane.  

Kelly, rightfully, asked the question last night "how long can we honestly keep this up?"  The answer that I gave her then is "as long as we have to"....because we don't have any other options.  We work really hard for everything that we have.  In that respect, we are not that different than any other couple with two very young children.  It aint easy...but it's also not a surprise that it's not easy.

I have a friend that I see every day here at work.  She and her husband have been married a couple of years and they live the very average life of a relatively newly married couple without children.  Lately, she's been grilling me about being a mom and how we make it work.  She asks me all kinds of questions - about our relationship, the time, the downtime and how to manage it all.  I am honest...to a fault.  I think it sucks that so many people gloss over raising children.  I know that for some people it's really easy.  I know that some people have these super easy schedules, ideal arragnements and are more than happy to put their relationships 2nd (or third or fourth).  Some people really do make it look easy.

But I've done a lot of polling myself over the last two years.  I've sought some truth and some reflection of my experience...and I've found it.  Most people who do this, struggle.  Most people find the balancing act difficult and most people find their marriages to be a pale shadow of what they were before children.  

I'm not going to gloss it over.  

She asks me if it's worth it.  And the easy answer is that of course it's worth it.  I mean, look, we love our children.  Bailey and Connor are the best parts of us and they are the reason we do it all.  But "worth" and "challenge" are not the same thing.  It is very worth it.  And it's fucking hard.  Both things exist at the same time, in equal proportions.

Maybe when they are gone, we're close to retirement and things seem so calm and quiet again, we'll remember these times and want some of it back.  I suspect we will.  I have no doubt that this will be some of the best times we have with our children - when they are still so in love with us.  We'll remember it all...but you can bet your ass I'll be honest about what it was too.  It is work.  It is a labor of love...

You Know That Twinge?

You know that twinge you get when you realize that you've made thing too complicated?

I get it often.

And I have it again.

The first thing that I made to complicted was my desire to get Bailey in a big girl bed and potty trained right around two.  I went on a tirade and forced Kelly to go out and buy a twin bed like two months ago.  It is in Bailey bedroom and is currently being used as a place for the cats to sleep and a spring board for Bailey's bored jumping.  This past weekend, we were in Baby's R Us and Bailey spotted a toddler bed.  She ran to it, happy as a lark.  We plopped down our $100 bucks for the NOT pink version and Monday night I randomly decided to put it together and dismantle the crib.  And just like that, Bailey's transitioned to a big girl bed.  There has been no drama.  No issues.  No late-night playing in the room.  Just Bailey, in a bed, sleeping.  I gave up on potty training too - just letting it happen as she leads it.  Again the twinge.  I just need to remember (or get it through my thick scull somehow) that Bailey will let us know when she is ready to make these transitions.  And they will probably happen right on time, when they are supposed to happen.  On her schedule...not mine.  

The second thing that I've made too complicated is my relationship.  Again.  I do this often and it kills Kelly.  Seriously.  She hates me for it.  This is one of those things that she tolerates about me, rather than loving in an exasperated kind of way.  I can't push her.  I can't force her to be a circle when she is a square.  And I always try.  And it frustrates me to an unreal level when she doesn't respond...in other words, when she stays a square.  But, and this is always true, if I just back off and put what I need out there and let her figure out how to make her edges a little more round, she always does.  Always.  She's never failed me.  

*sigh*

Sometimes, being me is exhausting.

A Million Things and Nothing

I haven't posted much because there really isn't all that much to say.  I could assult your senses with my million and one daily tasks, but that seems mostly pointless.  

Things are good.  Not just okay.  Not bad.  But actually good.  Connor has now slept through the night twice (the "night" being 8 PM - ~4:30 AM).  Not consecutively, but close enough that we hope it'll stick.  When he is up, it's later in the morning - usually 3:30 AM or so...so he is sleeping longer stretches.  This is good.

Today is his first day of daycare, if they allow him to start.  I say it like that because we still can't get rid of the yeast and they told us last week he couldn't start if we didn't get rid of it.  We'll see what they say.  Kelly is home this week, so if we need to keep him home another couple of days, it's not the worst thing in the world.  

It's another transition.  Next week will be another transition as both of us will be back to work  and both kids in childcare.  *sigh*

That should be the last of the immediate changes though.  Hopefully.  

We bought a 2009 Honda Odyssey on Saturday.  It's absolutely awesome and we are beyond happy to have the much needed space.  

Bailey is good.  Not much changing there - just our usual, awesome, full-of-life baby girl.  

More updates soon.  I promise.

Lessons Learned

Time for a new lessons learned post.  Bailey's party was fantastic and I'll post pictures soon.  Everyone is doing just fine (aside from a never-ending yeast problem that is so frustrating I don't want to talk about it).

Lesson #1: Just stop having expectations.  Of anything, or anyone.  Just stop.  

Lesson #2: Never, ever say that both kids are sleeping out loud.  If you do, one of them will wake up.

Lesson #3: Don't try to have sex.  See above, second sentence.

Lesson #4: Poop diapers never end and are never fun.

Lesson #5: It's okay to not like parenting sometimes.  It's even okay to go whole stretches of time where you don't like parenting.  

Lesson #6: Your kids will reflect you.  No matter what you do or how hard you try to hide what is happening in your life.  They see it and will reflect it.  Period.

Lesson #7: It never ends.  Don't expect it to (see #1).  Even when you get a "break" you're still a parent.  You can't escape it and trying to will just frustrate you.

Lesson #8: Everything, everything, everything changes.  

Lesson #9: Just when you think you've figured out the changes, it changes again.  See #1.

Lesson #10: Go ahead, swear if you want to.  What's the worse that can happen?

Lesson #11: Inevitably, someone thinks you're doing it wrong.  Fuck them.

Lesson #12: Stop comparing your kids to other kids.  Just stop.  Eventually, you will find the fault in your kids and that sucks.  So don't go looking for it.

Lesson #13: People are staring at you in the store when your kids loses his or her cool or you lose your cool with them.  Accept it.  See #11.

Lesson #14: Get a good pediatrician.  One that is responsive.  You need them more often than you think you do.

Lesson #15: Your first instinct is probably the right one, even if it goes against everything you've ever said about parenting.  See #1.

Lesson #16: When in doubt, blame it on the exhaustion.  Most of the time, this is an accurate assignment of blame.

Lesson #17: It goes without saying that you understand your parents more than ever when you become a parent yourself.

Lesson #18: Puke doesn't smell any better when it dries on your clothes.  Inevitably, you will smell like puke a lot.

Lesson #19: Your pets become your pets when the kids show up.  It's just a fact of life.  They will eventually get used to it.

Lesson #20: Try to come up with a plausible answer when your friends ask you if would go back and choose to not have children if you could.  They will ask, if you're honest, and inevitably you won't be able to answer.  How could you possibly answer that completely pointless question?

For Our Bailey

Two years ago, your Mommy and I were in the hospital.  We had just woken from a very restless nights sleep full of cervidil and contractions.  We were preparing for a day of pitocin and what we hoped would be dilation and delivery.  We were so ready for you and May 1 seemed like a perfectly good day to have you.  

Of course, that is not how it worked.  You were very comfortable inside of my body, my Bailey.  You were also wrapped up tight in the cord, so even if you were not very comfortable, you couldn't do much to help yourself.  We tried pitocin all day to no avail.  The attempts went into the next day...the day you finally joined us.  

You were born with a loud, piercing cry.  You were born big with a shock of black hair.  You were pink and moved quickly into bright red as you screamed at those of us who would force you into this world.  You came out as spirited and as fiesty as you are today.  

We had so many dreams, so many hopes, so many unbelievable misconceptions about parenting.  You taught us moment by moment what it meant to be your parent.  What it was to be your Mommy and your Momma.  

And, oh, how we loved you!  God, the rush was amazing.  Seeing your face and knowing that you were the child we had waited for.  We were shocked, we were tired, we were no prepared for what was coming...but we were so in love with you.

And we still are.  You have become such an amazing child.  You are all the things I admire the most - you are charismatic, ballsy, funny, boisterous.  You are intense and full of energy.  You bend life to suit you in a way that is so complete, I can't help but be impressed.  I adore you when you make me laugh when I'm trying to punish you.  You are so completely a part of every moment of my life, that I cannot seperate my love for you from my need to breathe.  You are me and I am you and the essential task of seperating the two is what parenting you is all about.  

Our child.  Our baby.  Our daughter.  We love you.  More than I can say and more than you'll ever know or comprehend.  Happy Birthday, tomorrow, B Bubbles.

I Adore a New Book

Particuluarly when there are four in the series.

Yes, I just started the Twilight series and predictably, I am as hooked as everyone else.  I read last night until my eyes closed on their own (and quite without my permission).  I will read every available moment until I have devoured each of the four books and then I will start them again and read them more slowly to digest and absorb what I missed the first time.  

Kelly hates it when I get new books like this...because they inevitably take me away from her.  

God, I love a new book.  LOVE IT!

Poor Bailey...and Poor Us!

Poor, poor Bailey.  Our little girl has hit the wall.  And unfortunately, it's the two year old, new baby brother, new schedule, new school, less time with Momma, more sharing of attention, less predictability wall.

And she does not like it one bit!

There are so many factors that it's hard to point to just one as the cause.  And none of what is ailing Bailey can be fixed by anything except time.  We talked about how this would effect Bailey.  "This" being a new baby, a new school, new stressors and less time with her parents all as she is hitting a very difficult developmental stage.  We knew that it would be tough for all of us.  But boy, oh boy.  The reality is so much harder than the conversation.

She is just a mess right now.  She is spending 98% of her time yelling "no", throwing herself to the floor in protest, screaming and generally being an ass.  Timeouts don't work on this, because the issue isn't behavioral.  We know this because we've tried.  She's not doing this stuff because she's doing something wrong, she's doing it because she doesn't know what else to do.  She's completely thrown.  I'm certain that she is feeling very uncertain and isn't sure how to get what she needs.  I am equally certain that what she needs is not going to happen.  

Bailey likes predictability.  She needs to know what to expect next and really thrives in an environment that is clearly defined at the edges.  By it's very definition, early infancy parenting is not definable.  Add to that a new crazy schedule that we are trying to juggle and make work and the complete lack of schedule on Connor's part and we are all just tired and wore out.  

I know that this is temporary and that we will all, Bailey included, get through this.  Connor will eventually define a schedule for himself and eventually we will be able to draw him into the routine of our life.  It will stop feeling so challenging and will start making sense.  

Unfortunately for Kelly and I, we cannot nurture ourselves through this transition.  We must nurture Bailey through it, leaving no time to relax and blow off our own steam.

Ahhhh...the joys of parenting infants.  I do adore my children...but I don't enjoy early infancy.  I really don't.

For Connor

My Dearest Baby Blue:

I am beginning this post on the date of your adoption, knowing that I will not have time to finish it. Things always get crazy and this day will be no different. If I post it late, please do not think it is because I do not think this is a very special day for us.

Today, the law calls me your mother. Today I am granted all the rights and priviledges and responsibilities that come from being someone's parent. Today the world cannot deny that you are my son. Today is significant, because it means that I will truly be able to protect you should that need to happen.

But I did not become your mother today. I became your mother the moment you were concieved. Really, I became your mother the moment we dreamed you so many years ago.

And, baby blue, what a beautiful child you are. I have fallen so completely in love with you. With your grunts and your full body stretches. With your stinky head and the sweat smell of your breath. I see your little mouth working and pouting while you are sleeping and my insides melt. When I lift you and you stick your little butt out and then curl into my chest, I feel a rush of love that I never thought I would feel again. You are my baby blue, and you are my world.

Second children often get less of their parents, and you are no exception to this rule. Connor, you have a beautiful sister who is large and loud and commands the room when she walks into it. You may feel slighted by this, but I want you to know right now that you will never be our second child. You are not second in our hearts or second in our lives. You are our baby...the final link in a dream that began many years ago. You are the boy who completes us and makes us the family we have always wanted to be.

I will guide you, teach you, watch you grow and eventually let you go. I will love you with all of my heart, fully and without hesitiation forever. I will be a soft place for you to land when you fall and I will help you define who you want to be in this world. Ultimately, I will be nothing more and nothing less than one person in this world who will never abandon you. You will always havea place to turn, a home, as long as I am in this world.

I love you, son. More than I have words for and I feel that I can never do justice in a letter. Perhaps one day, when you look at your child, you will understand that the words can never convey how deeply you are born into me.

Our adoption day is the stamp of approval from the world. But our bond is what I give to you forever.

All my love - Your Momma

Changing Priorities

My birthday was fantastic! Kelly had the house all cleaned (yes, this is a gift for me) and decorated when I arrived home on Thursday night. There was a delicious red velvet cake, balloons, presents, cards, streamers and a banner! LOL - I know that it is silly, but I love a party. I really do. Especially when I'm the guest of honor. Makes me feel like a princess. And I love my wife for knowing this.

Bailey was excited too.

We did dinner first - steak, mashed potatoes and corn on the cobb. Then cake and ice cream and then my present!!! And boy, this is where my wife really shines. She knows me so well. I needed a black purse (it has been a never-ending drama for a couple of years) and she found the perfect purse for me! But that is not it. She stuffed the purse. When I opened it up, there were a ton of little red bags, each filled with stuff. There were gift cards good for an entire night out (dinner at Outback, dessert at Coldstone, blockbuster movie rentals), there were gift cards for Starbucks and Itunes. There were my favorite pens, lottery cards, purse essential (antibacterial foam and gum), there was kisses, a necklace to replace my broken chain from my necklace. It was so much fun to open!!!! The kids got me my favorite candle and car air freshner from Yankee Candle.

It was fantastic and I had a great time! Kelly's theme for my birthday was "everything I wanted" and it continued through having a clean house and...well...you know.

What a terrific birthday!

And now I'm 30. This seems so significant, but I can't seem to place why. I feel like I need to reorder my priorities, but I'm not sure what reorder needs to happen. Perhaps it's just a need to reaffirm that I'm where I want and need to be and that I'm living a life that I won't regret when I'm done. That is, after all, my ultimate goal in my life. When I'm old and wrinkly (and hopefully that will happen), I don't want to look back and say "I wish". I want to live now and not regret later. I want to be fully present in my world and I want my world to reflect all the parts of me. I want to celebrate who I am and what I'm doing and I want for the life I lead to clearly show that.

I think I am struggling with this right now because we are still in the thick of finding a new normal with a new baby. This morning, I found myself thinking that Bailey is probably struggling a bit because we are fumbling with timing. She's always had a predictable schedule and finds comfort from being able to predict what will be happening next. Of course, she needs that because we need it and we have always given her that since she was born. With a new baby, that is, of course, impossible. It will re-emerge. Of that I am certain. It always does. Connor is growing and changing every day and each day brings us closer to finding our rhythm with a new child.

Kelly and I are going to be fine. I know that those of you who know me were able to read between the lines and realize that I was really struggling last week. That, of course, came out right at the end of what has been a long period of struggling in my marriage. I haven't shared on purpose, through all of it. I can say now that we're going to be fine. When all else fails, it is Kelly who I need to complete my life. There are things that are not good. There are things that both of us would change in a heartbeat if we could. But, when it is all said and the quiet moments take over, I need her. I do not want to leave my marriage and start over. I do not want to ignore the pleading of my heart when it says to stick with it and see this through. I do not want to make a decision that I will regret...and if I were to leave Kelly, I would regret that. I love her. As deeply as I ever have and I simply choose to believe that we will be okay. There is too much there, too much that is important to both of us, for us not to be. For better or worse. Those are the words I said, those are the words she said and they are the words we will honor. In our darkest moments, we always seek each other. That is our salvation and what, in the end, says more to me than anything about where I want to be. She is my wife and I will share my life with this woman.

For now, I just have to accept and work with the reality that nothing is predictable right now. We are still working through infancy and we will make it through this. I don't know who we will be as a family on the other side. I don't know who I will be as a woman. But I do know that we will emerge together, the four of us, and that the life we have will be the life we create together.

That is what I am certain of, and that's not a bad way to start 30.

Slammed

LOL - when I was in college, that might have meant a whole host of things.

These days, it's all about time.

I'm slammed constantly and there is just not enough time. Never enough time. Yesterday was particularly horrid. I was up "late" at 5 AM, showered and out the door by 5:45. At work by 6:45. In meetings and racing to beat the clock until I left a meeting early to get out of work 15 minutes late at 3:45. Finally got off the bus and picked up Bailey at 5 PM. Got home at 5:30. Dinner, Connor, Kelly, Bailey, dinner, dishes, prep, "quality time", and both kids were in horrible moods. Bailey threw tantrum after tantrum, leading to increasingly frustrated timeouts by both Kelly and I. Finally, I gave in after she refused to eat dinner and just brought her upstairs to give her a bath at 6:30. By 7:15, she was in bed. But not sleeping. I walked out of her room to hear Connor screaming at Kelly downstairs. Went down and took Connor, so that I could at least say that I held him that day and to give her a break. He screamed for a solid two hours before he finally fell asleep. We all took turns holding him, Kelly trying to feed him. Walking, shushing, cuddling, walking, shushing, cuddling.

Finally, at 9:30, we collapsed into bed and fell asleep.

Good times.

Tomorrow is my birthday and my adoption day. Both seem very significant, and yet I can't seem to draw any energy from them. I'm excited about the adoption. It is the legal stamp that means that nobody can ever deny my rights and responsibilities as his parent. I guess because I live in a relatively safe community and have never had my rights challenged, I don't feel like this is anything more than a rubber stamp. But an important one, for sure.

As for my birthday - well. I'm not sure how I feel. I guess I feel like I'm entering my 30s at a strange time. It's hard to feel excited about anything when you're exhuausted, I guess. Maybe I'll feel more celebratory tomorrow.

After the adoption we're going to the aquarium. I don't know about plans other than that.

A Great Day

Wow - it was great to be back at work! I am definately not a one-track girl. I need many different brain challenges to keep me happy.

Work is good. They are delighted to have me back and my boss piled work on me like crazy. I'm happy to have the challenge of time management, happy to have things to think about that don't involve babies, nipples or diapers.

Don't get me wrong - I love my family. But I am a girl who needs more. And work provides it.

It was a very, very good day.

Back At Work

Phew! I'm back at work today with another maternity leave behind me.

I miss my family, actually.

This is surprising. Not that I miss them, but I just didn't expect it. It's nice to be in silence. Nice to be thinking about something other than them (am I really, though, because here I am).

Still, I already miss Connor's little face.

More later.

In Other News

Kelly and I are good. Enough of that.

Bailey is doing really, really well! This past week was her first week at her new school. Her first day was Tuesday (they were closed for Easter Monday) and she did fantastic!!!! There have been absolutely zero transition issues. She loves them, loves the room, loves the songs and her "circle time". She is fine being left and is always having a good time when we pick her up.

A couple of huge, huge developments happened on her first day. First - she went pee on the potty!! We've been working for a long time getting ready. We sit on the potty frequently and she has been wearing pullups at school for a long time. But she has never actually "put her pee pee" on the potty. But, just like that, she did at school. They said that she sat on the toilet for 3 minutes and then went. Just like that. No fuss. We got her day sheet and noticed that it said "IWP" on the line where they usually write the contents of her diaper. We had to think and then realized that it was code for "I Went Potty". We were stunned!!!! We went in the next morning and they confirmed it.

So now we know that she can do it. It's only a matter of time before it becomes a regular thing. We are not pushing it. We talk about panties and she's excited that she'll get to wear them, but when you ask her if she wants to wear them now, she says no! So we'll just take it easy and let her lead. It's nice to have a school that is actually working with her, though.

The second major development is that they eradicated her pacifier at school! They just didn't give it to her. She asked for it a couple of times the first day, but after that, she hasn't asked for it. Even during nap time!!! That means the only time that she has her pacifier is at night. We need to work on that.

Connor is doing very well. He is starting to develop some pattern in his sleeping, but it is sketchy at best. He sleeps 2-4 hours at a stretch at night. During the day, when we let him sleep in the swing, he'll sleep longer. He loves his swing. We have kept him in his pack n play upstairs, even though we could probably get more sleep. For now, Kelly is taking the brunt of the night stuff. I get him up when he wakes up, do the diaper change and then give him to her to feed. Then, I am ashamed to say, I fall back asleep. She is usually up for 45 minutes or more doing his feeding. Then she wakes me back up and I put him in his crib while she gets herself ready to go back to sleep.

He has started smiling full on when he sees me or Kelly. He hasn't shown any preference for us over other people...but he certainly has preference for Kelly over me. Which makes good sense right now. He's all about eating, all the time...LOL!

Next week is a big week for me. On Monday, I start back to work. I absolutely can't wait!!!!!! I feel sad to be leaving Connor - I will miss seeing him during the day. But I need to work and I need to feel like a grown up. Work helps me with that. I'm very happy to be going back.

Then, on Friday I turn 30 and it's Adoption Day!!!! We found out last week that our adoption hearing is April 24. This means that it will be only 2 months after he was born that he becomes legally mine. It's amazing how important this formality feels to me.

All four of us and Kelly's mom will be going to the hearing. After, I think the four of us are going to go to the Aquarium. Or maybe the Children's Museum. Something anyway. We'll enjoy a nice lunch in Baltimore and then head home.

I think that's all for now. I'm tired after a long, wonderful day in the spring sunshine. I have a cold beer and when it's gone, I'm heading to bed. This has been a good couple of days.

Oh Hell

Here is the thing - there is so much happening in our lives and some of it just isn't great. Kelly and I have never been where we are, and she has made it very clear that she is not comfortable with me talking about it.

It makes me feel like a fraud to write about the events of my life and ignore all of the things going on inside. Especially because those things going on inside actually eclipse the daily events.

This blog started out as a record for our children. It has turned into something more important (at least, more important to me). It is where I express my head, where I put into written word the shit that is tumbling around in my brain. It is an outlet, a release.

It also makes Kelly very uncomfortable when I talk about her. But how can I not?

So, I'll stay live. But I may not post very often right now. I just can't. I don't want to be a fraud - to myself or to those of you who read regularly. I can't pretend that things are wonderful right now. They are not. I can say, without hesitation, that Kelly and I are hanging in there and that there is light at the end of the tunnel we've found ourselves in. If I thought that my marriage was doomed, I would just keep writing. But I don't think it is. I think we've got a shot and I have to respect her wishes to not discuss it right now.

Radio Silence

On Monday, April 20th, this blog will disappear for a while. I'm not deleting it, but I will be making it completely private for the time being.

At some point, it will come back. Not sure when, though. If you want me to send you an email when I make it live again, leave a comment.

It's been a good run, but I can't talk about my life right now and I can't write without talking about my life. So, time to go for now.

A New Look

Winds of Change

LOL - that is such a heavy-sounding title for such a fluffy post!

I got my hair cut. Finally. All of it. It's super-short. Well, I guess it's about an inch and a half on top, but super-short every where else. I also got it colored - a deep red. It's rich, vibrant, exciting, fresh and new.

It's also something I have been wanting to do for a long, long time. Kelly doesn't like my hair short. She never has. She has always encouraged me to keep my hair long (or longer) because it's her preference. And I've always been mostly okay with that. Afterall, I do want to look beautiful for my wife.

But, a strange thing happened when I got in the car after my appointment. I looked into the rearview mirror and recognized the woman I saw. I have felt so disconnected from myself for the last few years. Having children has overshadowed most of me and that's okay. But I am still the girl I've always been...and part of that is represented by my hair.

I know that I'm probably assigning too much to a haircut, but I left my appointment feeling light, happy, in control and excited. I jumped in my car, cranked up my music and felt like a million bucks. I adore the cut - it makes me feel sexy, young and fresh.

I'll post a picture this afternoon...

Tough Few Days

I have to write this post gently, because Kelly isn't into sharing and this involves her as much as it does me. So forgive me if it is short on details and not up to my usual bare-it-all writing.

Kelly and I are struggling. Not as parents, but as a couple. I think that we have found the path that will lead us back to the light, but we're still very much groping in the dark. There are a million reasons, some logical and some not. We're both tired, physically and mentally. We're emotionally wrung out. We have no time, for ourselves, for each other. We are very little more than just two people who are completing a never-ending list of tasks before sitting and staring blankly at the dishes or the computer or the TV before falling into bed and sleeping the sleep of the ehausted before waking up and doing it all over again.

We can see the signs and we know that we can't let this happen. But we're both too tired to stop it.

So, this is the pink elephant in the room that I haven't been talking about and haven't been writing about. It's difficult to admit to marital struggles when everyone else seems to be doing just peachy. It's difficult to say it out loud and give it more power than it might already have. It's difficult to look at my love and realize that I'm not losing her because of any shortage of love, but because of exhaustion and weariness and the relentless pounding of life.

And then, there are a couple of seconds every now and then that I look into Kelly's eyes and I remind myself that we can, we will...we have to...make it through this and find the other side. Because my heart, my soul, my life...everything that I love the most about me would shatter without her.

So there we are. The kids are good and we are going to West Virginia this weekend to see Kelly's family and enjoy a birthday party and Easter Egg hunt. I am excited about the change of pace and seeing new faces. I'm not so much looking forward to two kids in a hotel room. Benadryl will be my friend where Bailey is concerned. LOL - is it wrong to drug your kid to ensure that she sleeps? Even if it is wrong, I don't care. I am going to do it anyway.

The adoption paperwork has all been gathered and submitted to the court. $2000 later, we are just waiting for the court date where the judge will sign the document that will make Connor legally my child. So much money for such an important formality. Of course, it's worth it.

The court date will either be April 24 (my 30th birthday) or May 22. If it's May 22, I will have to push back my scheduled vacation to Maine - instead of arriving on Thursday and leaving Monday, I will have to arrive on Saturday and leave Tuesday or Wednesday. We'll see. I'm hoping we'll make the April date and I won't have to worry about it. But if we don't, there isn't anything I can do...and your adoption hearing isn't something you can just reschedule.

Connor is laying in his swing, starting to wake up. Bailey just came over the monitor, starting to wake up. She'll go back to sleep. He probably won't. I need more coffee.