I Adore a New Book

Particuluarly when there are four in the series.

Yes, I just started the Twilight series and predictably, I am as hooked as everyone else.  I read last night until my eyes closed on their own (and quite without my permission).  I will read every available moment until I have devoured each of the four books and then I will start them again and read them more slowly to digest and absorb what I missed the first time.  

Kelly hates it when I get new books like this...because they inevitably take me away from her.  

God, I love a new book.  LOVE IT!

Poor Bailey...and Poor Us!

Poor, poor Bailey.  Our little girl has hit the wall.  And unfortunately, it's the two year old, new baby brother, new schedule, new school, less time with Momma, more sharing of attention, less predictability wall.

And she does not like it one bit!

There are so many factors that it's hard to point to just one as the cause.  And none of what is ailing Bailey can be fixed by anything except time.  We talked about how this would effect Bailey.  "This" being a new baby, a new school, new stressors and less time with her parents all as she is hitting a very difficult developmental stage.  We knew that it would be tough for all of us.  But boy, oh boy.  The reality is so much harder than the conversation.

She is just a mess right now.  She is spending 98% of her time yelling "no", throwing herself to the floor in protest, screaming and generally being an ass.  Timeouts don't work on this, because the issue isn't behavioral.  We know this because we've tried.  She's not doing this stuff because she's doing something wrong, she's doing it because she doesn't know what else to do.  She's completely thrown.  I'm certain that she is feeling very uncertain and isn't sure how to get what she needs.  I am equally certain that what she needs is not going to happen.  

Bailey likes predictability.  She needs to know what to expect next and really thrives in an environment that is clearly defined at the edges.  By it's very definition, early infancy parenting is not definable.  Add to that a new crazy schedule that we are trying to juggle and make work and the complete lack of schedule on Connor's part and we are all just tired and wore out.  

I know that this is temporary and that we will all, Bailey included, get through this.  Connor will eventually define a schedule for himself and eventually we will be able to draw him into the routine of our life.  It will stop feeling so challenging and will start making sense.  

Unfortunately for Kelly and I, we cannot nurture ourselves through this transition.  We must nurture Bailey through it, leaving no time to relax and blow off our own steam.

Ahhhh...the joys of parenting infants.  I do adore my children...but I don't enjoy early infancy.  I really don't.

For Connor

My Dearest Baby Blue:

I am beginning this post on the date of your adoption, knowing that I will not have time to finish it. Things always get crazy and this day will be no different. If I post it late, please do not think it is because I do not think this is a very special day for us.

Today, the law calls me your mother. Today I am granted all the rights and priviledges and responsibilities that come from being someone's parent. Today the world cannot deny that you are my son. Today is significant, because it means that I will truly be able to protect you should that need to happen.

But I did not become your mother today. I became your mother the moment you were concieved. Really, I became your mother the moment we dreamed you so many years ago.

And, baby blue, what a beautiful child you are. I have fallen so completely in love with you. With your grunts and your full body stretches. With your stinky head and the sweat smell of your breath. I see your little mouth working and pouting while you are sleeping and my insides melt. When I lift you and you stick your little butt out and then curl into my chest, I feel a rush of love that I never thought I would feel again. You are my baby blue, and you are my world.

Second children often get less of their parents, and you are no exception to this rule. Connor, you have a beautiful sister who is large and loud and commands the room when she walks into it. You may feel slighted by this, but I want you to know right now that you will never be our second child. You are not second in our hearts or second in our lives. You are our baby...the final link in a dream that began many years ago. You are the boy who completes us and makes us the family we have always wanted to be.

I will guide you, teach you, watch you grow and eventually let you go. I will love you with all of my heart, fully and without hesitiation forever. I will be a soft place for you to land when you fall and I will help you define who you want to be in this world. Ultimately, I will be nothing more and nothing less than one person in this world who will never abandon you. You will always havea place to turn, a home, as long as I am in this world.

I love you, son. More than I have words for and I feel that I can never do justice in a letter. Perhaps one day, when you look at your child, you will understand that the words can never convey how deeply you are born into me.

Our adoption day is the stamp of approval from the world. But our bond is what I give to you forever.

All my love - Your Momma

Changing Priorities

My birthday was fantastic! Kelly had the house all cleaned (yes, this is a gift for me) and decorated when I arrived home on Thursday night. There was a delicious red velvet cake, balloons, presents, cards, streamers and a banner! LOL - I know that it is silly, but I love a party. I really do. Especially when I'm the guest of honor. Makes me feel like a princess. And I love my wife for knowing this.

Bailey was excited too.

We did dinner first - steak, mashed potatoes and corn on the cobb. Then cake and ice cream and then my present!!! And boy, this is where my wife really shines. She knows me so well. I needed a black purse (it has been a never-ending drama for a couple of years) and she found the perfect purse for me! But that is not it. She stuffed the purse. When I opened it up, there were a ton of little red bags, each filled with stuff. There were gift cards good for an entire night out (dinner at Outback, dessert at Coldstone, blockbuster movie rentals), there were gift cards for Starbucks and Itunes. There were my favorite pens, lottery cards, purse essential (antibacterial foam and gum), there was kisses, a necklace to replace my broken chain from my necklace. It was so much fun to open!!!! The kids got me my favorite candle and car air freshner from Yankee Candle.

It was fantastic and I had a great time! Kelly's theme for my birthday was "everything I wanted" and it continued through having a clean house and...well...you know.

What a terrific birthday!

And now I'm 30. This seems so significant, but I can't seem to place why. I feel like I need to reorder my priorities, but I'm not sure what reorder needs to happen. Perhaps it's just a need to reaffirm that I'm where I want and need to be and that I'm living a life that I won't regret when I'm done. That is, after all, my ultimate goal in my life. When I'm old and wrinkly (and hopefully that will happen), I don't want to look back and say "I wish". I want to live now and not regret later. I want to be fully present in my world and I want my world to reflect all the parts of me. I want to celebrate who I am and what I'm doing and I want for the life I lead to clearly show that.

I think I am struggling with this right now because we are still in the thick of finding a new normal with a new baby. This morning, I found myself thinking that Bailey is probably struggling a bit because we are fumbling with timing. She's always had a predictable schedule and finds comfort from being able to predict what will be happening next. Of course, she needs that because we need it and we have always given her that since she was born. With a new baby, that is, of course, impossible. It will re-emerge. Of that I am certain. It always does. Connor is growing and changing every day and each day brings us closer to finding our rhythm with a new child.

Kelly and I are going to be fine. I know that those of you who know me were able to read between the lines and realize that I was really struggling last week. That, of course, came out right at the end of what has been a long period of struggling in my marriage. I haven't shared on purpose, through all of it. I can say now that we're going to be fine. When all else fails, it is Kelly who I need to complete my life. There are things that are not good. There are things that both of us would change in a heartbeat if we could. But, when it is all said and the quiet moments take over, I need her. I do not want to leave my marriage and start over. I do not want to ignore the pleading of my heart when it says to stick with it and see this through. I do not want to make a decision that I will regret...and if I were to leave Kelly, I would regret that. I love her. As deeply as I ever have and I simply choose to believe that we will be okay. There is too much there, too much that is important to both of us, for us not to be. For better or worse. Those are the words I said, those are the words she said and they are the words we will honor. In our darkest moments, we always seek each other. That is our salvation and what, in the end, says more to me than anything about where I want to be. She is my wife and I will share my life with this woman.

For now, I just have to accept and work with the reality that nothing is predictable right now. We are still working through infancy and we will make it through this. I don't know who we will be as a family on the other side. I don't know who I will be as a woman. But I do know that we will emerge together, the four of us, and that the life we have will be the life we create together.

That is what I am certain of, and that's not a bad way to start 30.

Slammed

LOL - when I was in college, that might have meant a whole host of things.

These days, it's all about time.

I'm slammed constantly and there is just not enough time. Never enough time. Yesterday was particularly horrid. I was up "late" at 5 AM, showered and out the door by 5:45. At work by 6:45. In meetings and racing to beat the clock until I left a meeting early to get out of work 15 minutes late at 3:45. Finally got off the bus and picked up Bailey at 5 PM. Got home at 5:30. Dinner, Connor, Kelly, Bailey, dinner, dishes, prep, "quality time", and both kids were in horrible moods. Bailey threw tantrum after tantrum, leading to increasingly frustrated timeouts by both Kelly and I. Finally, I gave in after she refused to eat dinner and just brought her upstairs to give her a bath at 6:30. By 7:15, she was in bed. But not sleeping. I walked out of her room to hear Connor screaming at Kelly downstairs. Went down and took Connor, so that I could at least say that I held him that day and to give her a break. He screamed for a solid two hours before he finally fell asleep. We all took turns holding him, Kelly trying to feed him. Walking, shushing, cuddling, walking, shushing, cuddling.

Finally, at 9:30, we collapsed into bed and fell asleep.

Good times.

Tomorrow is my birthday and my adoption day. Both seem very significant, and yet I can't seem to draw any energy from them. I'm excited about the adoption. It is the legal stamp that means that nobody can ever deny my rights and responsibilities as his parent. I guess because I live in a relatively safe community and have never had my rights challenged, I don't feel like this is anything more than a rubber stamp. But an important one, for sure.

As for my birthday - well. I'm not sure how I feel. I guess I feel like I'm entering my 30s at a strange time. It's hard to feel excited about anything when you're exhuausted, I guess. Maybe I'll feel more celebratory tomorrow.

After the adoption we're going to the aquarium. I don't know about plans other than that.

A Great Day

Wow - it was great to be back at work! I am definately not a one-track girl. I need many different brain challenges to keep me happy.

Work is good. They are delighted to have me back and my boss piled work on me like crazy. I'm happy to have the challenge of time management, happy to have things to think about that don't involve babies, nipples or diapers.

Don't get me wrong - I love my family. But I am a girl who needs more. And work provides it.

It was a very, very good day.

Back At Work

Phew! I'm back at work today with another maternity leave behind me.

I miss my family, actually.

This is surprising. Not that I miss them, but I just didn't expect it. It's nice to be in silence. Nice to be thinking about something other than them (am I really, though, because here I am).

Still, I already miss Connor's little face.

More later.

In Other News

Kelly and I are good. Enough of that.

Bailey is doing really, really well! This past week was her first week at her new school. Her first day was Tuesday (they were closed for Easter Monday) and she did fantastic!!!! There have been absolutely zero transition issues. She loves them, loves the room, loves the songs and her "circle time". She is fine being left and is always having a good time when we pick her up.

A couple of huge, huge developments happened on her first day. First - she went pee on the potty!! We've been working for a long time getting ready. We sit on the potty frequently and she has been wearing pullups at school for a long time. But she has never actually "put her pee pee" on the potty. But, just like that, she did at school. They said that she sat on the toilet for 3 minutes and then went. Just like that. No fuss. We got her day sheet and noticed that it said "IWP" on the line where they usually write the contents of her diaper. We had to think and then realized that it was code for "I Went Potty". We were stunned!!!! We went in the next morning and they confirmed it.

So now we know that she can do it. It's only a matter of time before it becomes a regular thing. We are not pushing it. We talk about panties and she's excited that she'll get to wear them, but when you ask her if she wants to wear them now, she says no! So we'll just take it easy and let her lead. It's nice to have a school that is actually working with her, though.

The second major development is that they eradicated her pacifier at school! They just didn't give it to her. She asked for it a couple of times the first day, but after that, she hasn't asked for it. Even during nap time!!! That means the only time that she has her pacifier is at night. We need to work on that.

Connor is doing very well. He is starting to develop some pattern in his sleeping, but it is sketchy at best. He sleeps 2-4 hours at a stretch at night. During the day, when we let him sleep in the swing, he'll sleep longer. He loves his swing. We have kept him in his pack n play upstairs, even though we could probably get more sleep. For now, Kelly is taking the brunt of the night stuff. I get him up when he wakes up, do the diaper change and then give him to her to feed. Then, I am ashamed to say, I fall back asleep. She is usually up for 45 minutes or more doing his feeding. Then she wakes me back up and I put him in his crib while she gets herself ready to go back to sleep.

He has started smiling full on when he sees me or Kelly. He hasn't shown any preference for us over other people...but he certainly has preference for Kelly over me. Which makes good sense right now. He's all about eating, all the time...LOL!

Next week is a big week for me. On Monday, I start back to work. I absolutely can't wait!!!!!! I feel sad to be leaving Connor - I will miss seeing him during the day. But I need to work and I need to feel like a grown up. Work helps me with that. I'm very happy to be going back.

Then, on Friday I turn 30 and it's Adoption Day!!!! We found out last week that our adoption hearing is April 24. This means that it will be only 2 months after he was born that he becomes legally mine. It's amazing how important this formality feels to me.

All four of us and Kelly's mom will be going to the hearing. After, I think the four of us are going to go to the Aquarium. Or maybe the Children's Museum. Something anyway. We'll enjoy a nice lunch in Baltimore and then head home.

I think that's all for now. I'm tired after a long, wonderful day in the spring sunshine. I have a cold beer and when it's gone, I'm heading to bed. This has been a good couple of days.

Oh Hell

Here is the thing - there is so much happening in our lives and some of it just isn't great. Kelly and I have never been where we are, and she has made it very clear that she is not comfortable with me talking about it.

It makes me feel like a fraud to write about the events of my life and ignore all of the things going on inside. Especially because those things going on inside actually eclipse the daily events.

This blog started out as a record for our children. It has turned into something more important (at least, more important to me). It is where I express my head, where I put into written word the shit that is tumbling around in my brain. It is an outlet, a release.

It also makes Kelly very uncomfortable when I talk about her. But how can I not?

So, I'll stay live. But I may not post very often right now. I just can't. I don't want to be a fraud - to myself or to those of you who read regularly. I can't pretend that things are wonderful right now. They are not. I can say, without hesitation, that Kelly and I are hanging in there and that there is light at the end of the tunnel we've found ourselves in. If I thought that my marriage was doomed, I would just keep writing. But I don't think it is. I think we've got a shot and I have to respect her wishes to not discuss it right now.

Radio Silence

On Monday, April 20th, this blog will disappear for a while. I'm not deleting it, but I will be making it completely private for the time being.

At some point, it will come back. Not sure when, though. If you want me to send you an email when I make it live again, leave a comment.

It's been a good run, but I can't talk about my life right now and I can't write without talking about my life. So, time to go for now.

A New Look

Winds of Change

LOL - that is such a heavy-sounding title for such a fluffy post!

I got my hair cut. Finally. All of it. It's super-short. Well, I guess it's about an inch and a half on top, but super-short every where else. I also got it colored - a deep red. It's rich, vibrant, exciting, fresh and new.

It's also something I have been wanting to do for a long, long time. Kelly doesn't like my hair short. She never has. She has always encouraged me to keep my hair long (or longer) because it's her preference. And I've always been mostly okay with that. Afterall, I do want to look beautiful for my wife.

But, a strange thing happened when I got in the car after my appointment. I looked into the rearview mirror and recognized the woman I saw. I have felt so disconnected from myself for the last few years. Having children has overshadowed most of me and that's okay. But I am still the girl I've always been...and part of that is represented by my hair.

I know that I'm probably assigning too much to a haircut, but I left my appointment feeling light, happy, in control and excited. I jumped in my car, cranked up my music and felt like a million bucks. I adore the cut - it makes me feel sexy, young and fresh.

I'll post a picture this afternoon...

Tough Few Days

I have to write this post gently, because Kelly isn't into sharing and this involves her as much as it does me. So forgive me if it is short on details and not up to my usual bare-it-all writing.

Kelly and I are struggling. Not as parents, but as a couple. I think that we have found the path that will lead us back to the light, but we're still very much groping in the dark. There are a million reasons, some logical and some not. We're both tired, physically and mentally. We're emotionally wrung out. We have no time, for ourselves, for each other. We are very little more than just two people who are completing a never-ending list of tasks before sitting and staring blankly at the dishes or the computer or the TV before falling into bed and sleeping the sleep of the ehausted before waking up and doing it all over again.

We can see the signs and we know that we can't let this happen. But we're both too tired to stop it.

So, this is the pink elephant in the room that I haven't been talking about and haven't been writing about. It's difficult to admit to marital struggles when everyone else seems to be doing just peachy. It's difficult to say it out loud and give it more power than it might already have. It's difficult to look at my love and realize that I'm not losing her because of any shortage of love, but because of exhaustion and weariness and the relentless pounding of life.

And then, there are a couple of seconds every now and then that I look into Kelly's eyes and I remind myself that we can, we will...we have to...make it through this and find the other side. Because my heart, my soul, my life...everything that I love the most about me would shatter without her.

So there we are. The kids are good and we are going to West Virginia this weekend to see Kelly's family and enjoy a birthday party and Easter Egg hunt. I am excited about the change of pace and seeing new faces. I'm not so much looking forward to two kids in a hotel room. Benadryl will be my friend where Bailey is concerned. LOL - is it wrong to drug your kid to ensure that she sleeps? Even if it is wrong, I don't care. I am going to do it anyway.

The adoption paperwork has all been gathered and submitted to the court. $2000 later, we are just waiting for the court date where the judge will sign the document that will make Connor legally my child. So much money for such an important formality. Of course, it's worth it.

The court date will either be April 24 (my 30th birthday) or May 22. If it's May 22, I will have to push back my scheduled vacation to Maine - instead of arriving on Thursday and leaving Monday, I will have to arrive on Saturday and leave Tuesday or Wednesday. We'll see. I'm hoping we'll make the April date and I won't have to worry about it. But if we don't, there isn't anything I can do...and your adoption hearing isn't something you can just reschedule.

Connor is laying in his swing, starting to wake up. Bailey just came over the monitor, starting to wake up. She'll go back to sleep. He probably won't. I need more coffee.

A Friday Reminder

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

The Stuff of My Heart

I had trouble writing the post last night, because so much of what I'm "doing" right now is inside my head and not the external tasks that make up the days. When Bailey was this age, I was incapable of experiencing emotion in a healthy way. I was leveled and at this point, was continuing to be leveled. I was in no way able to contemplate all that was happening inside of my head and my heart.

This time is different and I find myself reflecting on love. How lucky I am to love three people so completely. How lucky I am to be loved so comletely by three people. It's such an amazing and life altering experience.

I've spoken of my love for Kelly before, but always in a way detached from our children. After all, in many ways I believe that what we share MUST be detached from our children in order to have meaning without them. But that erases the very important reality that our love will never exisist without them again, even after they have grown and left our home. I choose to love Kelly - every day and sometimes more than once in a day. It is an active choice. Something that I do because I can't help myself and something that I do with delibrate decision. Our love is like a river, flowing and changing. Sometimes it is dry, the bed cracked and drought ridden, and other times it is a rushing, raging body of water, forsaking all in it's path. Most of the time is is mearly a river - with deep and shallow spots, rocky rapids and spots of babbling brook. What it always is, however, is a choice. It's a destination - something that we come to each day because we want to be here.

But even that isn't the right description, because we are no longer connected solely by choice. I have come to realize that loving my children is an act of loving Kelly greater than any that I have ever chosen. Our lives are completely and forever entwined in a way that words are incapable of describing. Loving her, and keeping our love strong and alive, is as necessary to our children as it is to us. It's also the inevitable outcome of loving our children. How could I ever love them, without recognizing the crucial role that their Mommy has in their lives. Because I love them I love her and because I love her, I love them. Choosing to work through whatever issues may arise in our marriage is not a choice, even though I have to choose to do it. Does that make sense? Walking away from her is not an option - even if I wanted to (which I don't). Unless she were to hurt the children, which she never would, I could no more walk away from her than I could walk away from them. Because the love is so woven together that to try to seperate one would destroy the others. And that is not a choice I could ever make.

My love for Bailey has also been talked about a lot, but not with the perspective of having another child to love. I can make comparisons about my two children and how I love them, but in reality, there isn't a comparison. I love them both to the depths of my soul, but differently. My love for my children is like the ocean. Vast, seemingly without a bottom. I realize that perhaps there is a bottom, but like the ocean, finding it would crush me. In reality there is no end to what I feel. I cannot see to the other side. I cannot fathom the depth or the ways that this vast body of love will change and carve the landscape of my soul. And in my inability to begin to see it in total, I just accept it completely. There is no end for my children and I. I love them as completely as I have ever loved, and more deeply than I could ever convey.

And yet, my love for each is so different. Sometimes I find myself shocked and amazed at how differently I love them. How is that possible? How is it possible that I can love each one to infinate degrees, but can so easily identify how different each feels?

Bailey is my soul child. She really is. I feel like our breath rises and falls together. I feel connected to her as if she is of my body. And not because I gave birth to her, but because she needs that from me. I hold her close to me in every possible way - physically, mentally, emotionally. She is never far from my thoughts, my words, my actions. She is, literally, with me every step of every moment. I love her fiercely, with an almost animalistic fever. I crave her in my very soul, and too long without her makes me feel breathless. The intensity that I love her comes directly from the intensity that is generated between us. There is nothing gentle or easy about my love for my first born child. It is heavy, strong, deep and true. She will forever be connected to a dark part of me, and she is the salvation I found in the darkest moments. I breath her in and I feel like I am breathing my own life. I love her so deeply that I almost fear it in moments and have to remind myself to step back, and let her grown and live her own life. My role with her is much more hands on than I ever expected. She needs me in ways that I never knew a child would need it's mother. She looks to me for everything and my disappointment can crush her little world. It is an awesome responsibility and I carry that with me every moment. My actions, my steps in this world, my choices all carve her path as deeply as they carve my own. And my job as her mother, in many ways, is to guide her off my path an onto her own. I have to do this by setting aside my own intensity and allow hers to dominate, and so her path becomes mine in many ways. This is what I'm talking about - this indescribable journey that we take together because we are so close.

Loving Bailey must be a selfless act. In order for her to have the space to grow, I must trim down my own largeness. I cannot walk into and completely fill a room because my daughter also walks into a room and completely fills it. My gift to her, my role as her mother, my job as her parent is to back up and let her expand. It is the most intense role of my life, requiring constant vigilence.

Connor, on the other hand, is like loving a fresh breeze. I never, in all of my wildest dreams, believed that I would love like this. I am intense, hard, dark in many ways. I love that way too. But not Connor. Connor is the fresh breeze that caresses my soul every day. His is lightness and sunshine, comfort and calm. The love I have for him is white hot - blinding in it's beauty and undeniable in it's strength. And yet, there is nothing complex or intense about it. It is simple and pure, easy and as natural as anything I have ever experienced. He fits against my breast, into my soul and in lights corner of my world that I thought would forever be darkened.

He seems to me to be a angel, literally. His crying, his moods, his needs - none of it is difficult. There is nothing that requires work for me. I have moments of frustration, but often those moments come when I am not really looking at him. It seems that the second I look into his eyes, a peace steels into my soul and calms me. I find such comfort in holding him, smelling him, listening to his sounds. My hands find new gentleness that has never existed before when I touch him. He was born, as completely my child as if he had actually come from my body. And it seems to be reciprocated. It's such a strange and beautiful thing to pick him up and feel him melt into me. It seems that he sees in my what nobody else ever has. He doesn't see intensity in me, he seeks and finds calm and comfort. It is almost as if he nurtures me. I care for him, tending to his daily needs, and yet it is in him that I find the most comfort. Not the other way around.

Or perhaps that is just my perception. I see him and I feel clean. I hold him and I feel free of all the burden that I have felt in parenting. He is my pure contrast - light where I am dark, simple where I am complicated, calm where I am intense. I find such beauty in the contrast that I can barely contain it. There are moments where I know joy like I have never known it when I hold him. I literally feel like I could be lifted from my feet and float among the clouds when he rests his cheek against mine and quiets. It's such an amazing lightness.

I feel like my job as his parent is as a mere guide. It's almost as if his path has already been partially carved, as if he will experience very little of the difficulties that his sister (and that his Momma) has experienced.

In many ways, I love him for many of the same reasons I love Kelly, and yet the two loves are completely different. Kelly calms me, but because my love for her is so hot and intense, it's not always calming. Connor is different. He brings peace to me in a way that is unmatched by any other soul I have ever encountered.

So that is where my head is these days. I have been tumbling these nuggets of thought around for a couple of weeks, grinding them down and seeking truth from them. Loving, so deeply and so differently, is such a gift. What a joy that I have known these three people and that I have them to hold and cherish for years to come. What an honor that Kelly chose me and that the two souls we call our children have chosen us. This is family. This is my family.

So Little Time...So Many Excuses...

Time is so strange on maternity leave. It seems like I have all the time in the world, but then I look around and it's already 3 PM and I have to go get Bailey. Where does the day go? What do I do with the time? It's so strange.

Which is my way of saying sorry for not writing more often. There are actually things going on and things to say, but I just never find the time to sit down and put it into words. So, forgive the broken nature of this post - but there is a lot to write!

We'll start with the newest member of our family - Mr. Connor. He is doing very well, and is the least drama of all of us, ironically. He's growing so quickly - already, we've done away with newborn diapers and packed up the newborn clothing. He started smiling just a couple of days ago - little crinkles that start at the corner of his eyes and end at one side of his mouth hitching up. Usually, you get a big smile when he turns his head and realizes that either me or Kelly is holding him. He loves to "find" us.

His sleeping has become a bit of drama in the last couple of days. Connor has decided that he doesn't want to sleep anywhere except the swing or in my arms. For two nights now, he has slept amost exclusively in my arms, while I sit propped up with pillows trying to sleep myself. This is not safe for him and certainly not conducive to a good night's sleep for me. He sleeps great in the swing - for up to 4 hours at a stretch during the day. We tossed around the idea of letting him sleep in the swing the same way that we did for Bailey, but that caused it's own host of problems. Namely, we couldn't travel, we bought more batteries than any human being should and it was HELL to break her of it when she finally grew out of it. We have come back full circle to just forcing him into the pack n play - accepting that it might mean a few sleepless nights for us while we train him back into it. Tomorrow, the swing will need to go away - because I'm convinced that if we put him in it during the day, it will affect his sleep at night. And THAT is no good.

Breastfeeding still has it's own host of challenges, but we are working on meeting them. Kelly still has very sore nipples most of the time. Connor is only eating for 10-12 minutes at a time on each breast and then stopping (usually with some painful pulling when he stops), but then acting hungry when he is "finished". There could be lots of explanations - he is in a growth spurt, Kelly's supply is lower than it should be, or maybe just that they are both still learning. Whatever the issue, Kelly is really struggling with it all. I think that she wishes this were like the blissful images we see all over the place of the perfectly serene mother feeding her perfectly suckling baby. Lord knows, there is all kinds of pressure to make breastfeeding work - from many sources. Because of my non-experience with breastfeeding, I cannot offer any advice or reassurance. In fact, in some ways, I am a detriment to the process. I definately think that formula is easier, and if Kelly wasn't so adament about doing this and seeing it through, I would push harder for her to quit.

But, because she is committed, I am trying to be supportive and we are have set up a consultation at the Breastfeeding Center downtown. I have nothing to offer, having no experience, and we need for someone to watch the process. Even if Kelly and Connor are doing everything perfectly and this is all just the natural course of it, Kelly needs to hear that from someone who knows what they are talking about. She needs to be able to pepper someone with all her questions and get meaningful, personal feedback. Truth be told, she also needs to be surrounded, even for a short period of time, by people who champion breastfeeding and who treat the other options are secondary. She needs to the "pep" talk that I can't give. Our appointment is on Thurdsay.

It seems that there isn't much else going on with Kelly that is of importance. The breastfeeding stuff is all encompassing right now. It is an every-two-hour thing that takes up her entire brain. She is still going through a lot of the post partum hormone rush, but that seems to have improved in the last week. She definately seems to be on a more even keel right now. A frustrated keel, as breastfeeding has her going crazy, but more even than last week! She is within 10 pounds of her pre-Connor weight and within 30 pounds of her pre-Bailey weight. The nice thing about breastfeeding is that it takes that weight off QUICK! And she's just a naturally thin woman anyway - so it's coming off without much issue. The last 20 will be challenging.

Bailey is hanging in there. She and I have recently had some minor crisis regarding her behavior. I have been letting her get away with murder in the last month or so and she has been committing "murder" on a regular basis. She has turned into a mouthy, stubborn, fit-throwing, screaming monster who sucks the fun out of nearly every moment with her open defiance and ridiculous whining. How's that for a hell of a description?

Honestly, though, it's an accurate one.

And it's made me crazy. I am the person who primarily handles Bailey and I am certainly her primary disciplinarian. And I have been failing. After a couple of crisis moments, I broke down and had long conversations with Kelly, Mom and my brother regarding her behavior. Kelly admitted to having an emotional crisis about her behavior as well - not being sure how she was going to handle her when I went back to work and it fell to her to make sure both kids get to school every day.

So, this weekend, I put the smack down. Timeouts become a truly hideous thing for Bailey when I moved them up to her room, in her crib, with the lights out and the door shut. She HATES to be left out of anything and I think it genuinely hurts her feelings when I walk away from her. I stopped giving warnings - it was just "don't do this" and the second she did, she got a timeout. I stopped negotiating - telling her that I was done discussing it and if she continued to ask for X, she would get a timeout. On and on and on. Every major activity, every transition period, every crucial moment was discussed and timeouts given as needed.

It sucked. I felt shitty the entire time. I hated being her drill sergent, keeping her in line or else! I hated shutting that door and hearing her cry and call for me to "come back, Momma". I hated every second of it.

But it worked. Bailey and I have had a major breakthrough. She isn't acting up at all. That is not to say that she doesn't push some limits at times and she is certainly still earning timeouts, but all the major stuff has stopped and the threat of a timeout stops the ridiculous behavior. For instance - getting her into the bath used to be a 15 minute process while she ran away and refused to brush her teeth. That has completely stopped. Getting her into the car from school was a horrible experience - now it is completely pleasent with her holding my hand and walking with me.

I mean, I'm talking a complete 180 from where we were just four days ago. It's amazing. I have no illusions that it will last this well forever, but this is a good start. I have learned a valuable lesson in all of this - Bailey REALLY responds WELL to structure and to knowing what the limits are. I'm glad to be making these mistakes now, and not when she is 14. It's hard, but when we are working together, it's so wonderful.

And now, I can actually enjoy her. I'm not so angry with her all the time. The shouting has completely disappeared from our house. There is just no need. She is compliant within one warning and when she isn't, she knows that she will have a timeout. It's simple. The timeout system takes away much of the stress for me, because I know that there is a very simple, very concrete solution to her incredibly frustrating behavior. It makes anger unecessary and frees me up to just loving her.

It's amazing. It's like having a different child.

As for me, well, I am okay. I could go on and on, but it's late and I'm tired. Connor is in his crib sleeping for the first time in days and will probably wake up in about 45 minutes for his next feeding. I don't want to spend anymore time awake. So, I'll just say that my entire life is my family right now. Carrying Kelly through her breastfeeding experience, carrying Bailey through terrible two's and caring for Connor nearly every moment of every day means that there isn't much left for me. I'm hanging in, but very much looking forward to the trip I have booked in Maine over Memorial Day. I really want to the downtime, with my Momma taking care of me, to rejuvanate.

That's all for now. Night.

Lots Going On

It's been another crazy few days here in the McFadden house.

Late in the evening on Saturday (around midnight), my good friend, Katie, and her daughter, Samantha arrived from a 12 hour drive from Maine. Katie and I have a long history and she is one of my oldest and dearest friends. I was so happy to see her!!!!

Saturday was a mellow day, with everyone kind of tired from the late night and long drives.

Sunday, we threw a "Sip n See" to welcome Connor into the world. It was lots of fun and we had many of our friends come by and meet Connor. I am always a bit wierded out by entertaining, but I decided to keep this very low key and simple and it didn't turn out to be too much work. We had about 5 children here, around Bailey's age and one Connor's age. The kids were distracting and funny! Of course, we didn't take any pictures, because we never remember. But all told, I think it was successful and I'm glad we did it! And I'm super happy that Katie was here to help, because the last bit of preparation was a bit of a nightmare.

So, Monday dawned early and I was so excited that Bailey was going back to childcare. The weekends are very, very long. On the way to school, she was so excited to see her friends. At one point, she even threw her hands up in the air and said that she was "so excited to see all friends!"

We arrived at school to find that the center director, who had only started 7 months ago had walked out on Friday, leaving nothing but a note for the staff. She had not notified her management and it was an apparent surprise to everyone. The center was in disarray. The teachers were frantic, not sure what to do. Everyone seemed scattered and the entire feel of the place was disorganized and uncomfortable.

In about 30 seconds, Bailey went from super happy to be going to school, to very unhappy and nervous. She started crying and didn't want to stay. She screamed every time I made a move to leave. The teachers, rather than respond as they usually do, just sort of ignored her. Eventually, I was able to calm her down a bit and leave...but she was still crying as I left. I was too. It was an awful morning.

I came home on a mission and told Kelly that our job that day would be to find a new childcare facility for Bailey and Connor and that she would not be staying there through yet another transition. We went to check out Children's Center for Discovery about 2 hours later.

And we fell in love immediately. The center was full of color, of laughter, of happy children. The differences between our current facility and the other was amazing. We were so impressed by everything we saw. We grilled the teachers, we grilled the director, we took a tour of the facility and then asked more questions.

There were two very important things for us.

1) The teacher that will be Connor's teacher is the same woman that took care of Bailey. She had left Childtime about 5 months ago and gone to Children's Center for Discovery. The opening in the infant room was with her. She is truly an amazing care providor and we absolutely adored her when she cared for Bailey. It made us feel like we were coming home when we realized that Connor would be in her care.

2) Bailey's room is better in every way imaginable. There is a curriculum, the kids are her age, there are 3 teachers as opposed to 1, there are real toys, real circle time, and a true schedule. It's not glorified crowd control.

And equally important, although not the deal-maker, is the price. It will be $115 LESS PER WEEK to send out two children there. LESS!!! That is nearly $500 PER MONTH! Insanity!!!!!!

We got the paperwork and then brought Bailey to visit the next day. Putting aside the normal shyness, she absolutely loved her classroom. She participated in circle time and some free play time. She created a weather chart with the other kids. She looked for us constantly, but that is normal. She is going to absolutely love this class. She really is.

We put down our deposit for both kids and now, their spaces are secure.

Bailey will start on Tuesday, April 14 (the Monday is a holiday for the center) and Connor will start on May 20th (when he is 11 weeks old).

So that is what we've been up to. Kelly is still struggling with yeast infections in and on her nipples and Connor still has a bit in his mouth. But they are starting to get better. There is none of the same pain that existed before. A bit after, but not like it was.

Connor's 4 week appointment was this morning. He weighed in at 9 pounds, 3 ounces...which is 1 pound and 1 ounce MORE than two weeks ago. Seems like the breast feeding is working!!! He was 21 1/2 inches long, which is growth of an inch and half since birth. He is a tall, skinny guy - in the 25th percentile for weight, 50th percentile for height.

Everything else is good. He is normal in all ways that we can tell this early. He had one more hep shot, which sucked. He was sound asleep when it happened, and he did cry in his sleep but just briefly. He didn't wake up and he didn't cry for longer than a minute. It will be much, much worse when he has to have more than one. His little, skinny legs are not nearly as conducive to shots as Bailey's thick, chunky one's were!

Mommy, Momma and big sister are all hanging in there. There are pockets of roughness, but for the most part, we are doing okay.

Not The End of Days

I prepared for Connor like a person with post traumatic stress syndrom prepares for the reemergence of the original trauma. I was ready for a repeat of what I went through with Bailey - not just in the sense of having an intense child, but on a personal level. I was prepared to get myself through the worst possible scenario, and not screw up either of my children or my marriage.

I was prepared to survive.

What I never, ever expected to have happen would be to thrive. I just didn't expect this.

Bringing Connor into our family has felt like the most natural thing in the world to me. That is not to say that coordinating the logistics have not been difficult. Or that we haven't struggled in moments while we figure out a new baby. But all told, this has been easy. For me.

Connor is such a dream baby. He is calm, easy going and sleeps well. He and his Mommy are muddling through the difficult early stages of breastfeeding, but all in all they are doing a great job. There have been very few moments of difficulty for me - emotionally or physically. I just feel like I have the ability to do this and that it has come so much easier this time.

I wonder if it is because I am not the birth mother. If Kelly were writing this, what would she say diffently? I know that she is struggling right now. We are up against very little sleep and that doesn't work for her. Her emotions are a bit out of whack right now, and that is tough for her. And breast feeding is anything but easy and she is struggling with making it work.

I think her story would be very different.

But I am absolutely delighted to report that the end of days has not come to our house. In fact, the sun is shining and the flowers are blooming.

Thank god.

Yeast

It is yeast on all fronts - Connor's mouth, Connor's bottom and Kelly's nipples. After two doctor appointments and a ridiculous amount of time fighting with Walgreens (how come the insurance company will cover Connor for his well-baby visits up to 30 days after birth, but won't cover his prescriptions?) , we have what we need to make it all go away.

And just in time too, because Kelly is now yelling out loud every time Connor latches...which is frequently, given that he is 3 weeks old. A fix is on the way, however...and hopefully breast feeding will stop being so eventful.

Another day on maternity leave and not much accomplished. I remember thinking when I was home with Bailey that I didn't understand where the time goes, and I still don't. What the hell do I do? And now that there are two of us doing nothing, how come there are still dishes in my sink? Strange.

I did take a 45 minute bath and read and soaked. That was nice. And luxurious! It's wonderful to do things like that for myself...

The rambling nature of this post means that I really don't have much to say, so I'll end it for now!

Better Day

Yesterday was not the best day for us. I'll just leave it at that.

Kelly asked me to return the camcorder and "give" her a session with a lactation consultant instead. I did what she asked. We called Terri, who helped me when I was trying to figure out how to breastfeed. She asked a few pointed questions, leading us right down the road and describing Kelly's symptoms exactly. She then told us, over the phone and for free, that she was certain both Kelly and Connor have yeast infections. Kelly's got bright red rings on her nipples, extreme pain at the start of every feeding, at the end of every feeding and whenever Connor is not feeding. Connor has white stuff on his lips and tongue and patchy red, raised bumps on his bottom, right in that crevis under his scrotum.

Classic. And relatively easy to fix. According to Terri, if we can get them both on medication tomorrow (and we will), she should start feeling better and having pain-free latching by Sunday or Monday.

The relief on Kelly's face when she realized that the problem could be fixed was a beautiful thing. She was considering giving up breastfeeding yesterday and this morning...even though she and Connor have done such an amazing job so far.

So, one problem down. This should have a soothing effect on Kelly, making her feel less horrible and hopefully giving her some relief.

Things with Bailey are getting better. After our horrendous day last Sunday, I spent Monday kicking myself around and barrating myself as a parent and then I spent an hour talking to the director of her childcare center. After that, Kelly and I spent an hour talking about strategies and new ways to approach her.

And so far, so good. It really is as simple as deciding which of my battles I want to force on her and then figuring out a way to back off when she doesn't want to do something my way. I have a two-pronged approach depending on if the event in question has to happen or not.

If it does have to happen (she needs to get dressed to go to school, for instance), then I ask myself, "does this need to happen right this second, or is there some wiggle room?" I there is even 5 minutes of wiggle room, I lay off immediately and let her do things her way. So, if she want to poke about and play, I let her. I force myself to back off and I keep my tone light and playful. As soon as I get stubborn, she gets more stubborn. I always say, "let me know when you are ready..." and inevitably, she is ready within a few minutes. And she is usually extremely cooperative, because she feels like she has chosen to participate. Sometimes, I have to do this multiple times in a 10-minute period. It's almost as if she is testing me, to see if my calm is a front (it is) and if she can crack it (so far, she hasn't).

If the event doesn't need to happen and it's just something that is annoying me (she plays with her food while she eats, combining and smearing it every where), I suck it up and try to distract her. If she can't be distracted, I just put on my big girl panties and stop trying to make it all about me. And THAT is hard. Perhaps, the hardest thing I've done in the last few days.

But, it is also working and that makes me feel great! Bailey and I haven't had one screaming fit in three days. She hasn't hit me. She hasn't run away from me. She hasn't fought me in any crucial moment. She hasn't gotten mad at me and started doing all the things that annoy me all at once. In turn, I have given her the breathing room that she needs and she is thriving.

Such an easy fix...and so freakin' hard to do. It makes me feel absolutely crazy. I hate feeling like I am spending my life bending to the will of a not-even-2-year-old child...but then I remember that I'm a parent. And unfortunately, throwing my own fit just because I can't do it my way is childish. And that infuriates me, but again, I suck it up.

Feels like I'm doing a lot of sucking it up right now. I have a completely unforgiving newborn, a completely unforgiving toddler and a wife in massive transition. I spend a lot of my time biting my tongue, forgetting my needs and taking care of everyone. I also take a least one hour every day to do exactly what I want to do, and I do it without a bit of guilt. This has saved me during this time.

So anyway.

I just purchased two tickets to Maine - one for me and one for Bailey. We are taking a trip over Memorial Day weekend to spend 4 days in my home state and I absolutely can't wait!!!! It's the best thing that has happened to me since...well...since the birth of Connor! LOL