The Time They Are A Changin'

The FSAO Picnic in 2007, 2008 and 2009...

Some Quick Updates

I was out of work yesterday and while I checked email all day, I still have lots of catching up to do...so this will be brief.

Connor's 4 month check up was yesteday. He is super healthy - 16.6 pounds, 26 inches long and and a head circumfrence of 45. He's in the 75th percentile for weight (same as last time), 75th percentile for height (up from 50th last time) and 90th percentile for head. He's gonna be smart!

He got two shots and an oral vaccination yesterday. A part of me hates vaccinations, but then I remember that we live in a place where if a major disease hit, our kids would be likely to be exposed. Then I don't mind the vaccinations to much.

We had Kelly's company picnic yesterday. It was fun in a work kind of way. The weekend was lovely. This weekend will be better. We're hosting a party for the 4th of July. Lots of good BBQ, beer, friends and fireworks. Good times!

Bailey's favorite saying right now is "Oh, My Man!". Where did she come up with this, I don't know. LOL - it's not a phrase heard often in our house...

All is well. More later.

Catch Up Time

I'm sorry that I haven't been blogging. It seems that the harder things get, the more I withdraw. Things these days are not so hard emotionally, but more the grind is exhausting. And so I don't write. Sorry about that.

I have been super-busy at work. We had a major meeting taking place this week (and through the weekend) that I was solely responsible for coordinating. There were a million moving parts and it threw me back into my JSA days of event organizing. I don't do much of that anymore - I'm more of a report/data/website girl. This is good experience for me and it gave me a ton of face time in front of some very important people in the firm. Good for career development. Good for professional development. Not so good for my personal sanity. I'm not a huge fan of event management. I mean, I do it...and I do it very well. The key to event management is organization, calm and resourcefullness. I have all of those things when I choose to. But it's not what I enjoy. I just hate the constant changing up, adapting, recreating and the hurry up and wait. It's been stressful for me.

And then, to top it all off, I had to attend a dinner on Wednesday night at 7:30 PM. In the city. Now. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy a good dinner in a nice restaraunt as much as the next person. Especially when I don't have to pay for it. But on a Wednesday night? While my wife is home alone with the babies, trying to hold it all together? Not so much. It sucked. I hated being away from my kids. I hated feeling like I off-loaded my responsibility onto Kelly. I hated feeling like I was required to attend this networking celebration event, when honestly, I just wanted to be at home. This is not my thing. I did it. And again, I did all the right things. But it sucked. It was hard on all four of us. And once again proved to me that our routine is actually a good thing. It's something we all rely on to keep the insanity of our life in check.

The other major event that happened this week was that I witness Bailey being man handled by her daycare provider. I showed up early on Monday and watched her teacher grab her by the arm and pull her very hard. It left a thumb print on her upper arm and she stumbled to the floor. This was unprovoked - in that Bailey was just standing there when she did it. I went into the bathroom when I saw this (the teacher didn't know I was there, as her back was to me) and I said "Don't ever touch my child that way again." I did not say anything after that, as I was in the bathroom with other children. I enforced the timeout that the teacher had given Bailey prior to the yanking incident and then I marched into the director's office. I cried, which sucked...but I couldn't help it. I reported the incident and it was handled properly. After gauging Bailey's reaction, the director's reaction and subsequent follow up and recieving a very heart felt apology (and ownership) from the teacher, we have moved on. I do think this was a one-off event and not a continueing problem. Bailey likes the teacher - she says so. She is not scared of her. She doesn't have a negative response to her. And she has before, to other teachers. If she was having a major issue with the teacher, we would be able to tell. I have put this in the category of things that I wish I hadn't seen, but am glad I was able to deal with appropriately. It seems that when it comes to our children, I am able to keep my cool and do what's right. That makes me glad.

With all that said, if anything like this ever happens again, I will hunt the bitch down and destroy her. Happily.

Other than this, Bailey is doing extremely well. She is in love with her new school, finally. The transition is complete and has been for a couple of weeks. She is back to good and that makes us so happy!!! We both feel like the shaky ground that she was standing on has solidified. She's fully adjusted to Connor and she's no longer having weirdness. Thank god. It's a sign of some normalcy.

Connor is amazing. He's growing so quickly. We have to get some video of his huge belly laughs. He's showing some signs of being a drama queen, similar to his sister. He gets very angry when he is left alone...unless of course, he's watching TV. The kid LOVES the television. Of course, we do everything in our power to prevent him from watching it when Bailey does. He makes dinner with me rather than watching Barney with Bailey. But if he catches sight of it, hs'e hooked. If he's hungry, his world falls apart. And if he's tired, watch out! He decides at some point between 7 and 7;30 at night that he is ready for his bedtime routine (naked time, bath time, breastfeeding time, then bed). It all takes about 45 minutes, with the majority of that time being breastfeeding time. And if it doesn't happen as soon as he decides he's ready, there are big huge problems. This is really the only time that Connor cries like he is being tortured. It unravels Kelly and is very loud...so we often comply immediately.

He's waking up once a night. Depending on how he ate during the day, that one time can be around midnight or around 4 AM. It just depends. Sometimes he'll sleep straight through. Other times he wakes up. He's 4 months, so we don't worry yet. We suspect that when he starts eating solids, he'll start sleeping longer.

He too is being inocculated into the McFadden need for schedule. It seems that we are going to infect our children with our same need for order and routine. Of course, it could be no other way, but it's funny to watch it happen this time around.

Me and Kelly are both hanging in there. We're tired, strung out, overwhelmed and bored. But we're doing okay. We both have all our hopes hung on the concept that this will change as they get a bit older. That we're in the weeds right now, but eventually it will be different. It took a year for things to get back to a "normal" place with Bailey. We've still got a long way to go.

No Time No Energy

The mantra of my life. I'm swamped and too tired to write about everything that is going on. I promise updates soon.

Everyone is well.

CONGATS!!!!

A huge, huge, huge shout of congratulations to our dearest friends Monica and Susanne over at Susanica. They are expecting their second child right around the Christmas holiday!

Congratulations from the bottom of our hearts, ladies!!!! We love you so much!

This One Might Be Tough

For some of you. Not for me.

So, I mentioned in previous blogs when I was pregnant with Bailey that I have always harbored a fear that I would molest my children. This perfectly normal fear is based on having been molested many times in my childhood. The fact that I can name it, own the fear and move on is a testament to the years of therapy that I went through.

Of course, my fears have proven to be unfounded. There is this moment that has happened with both of my children where I realized in a split second that I would kill myself before I would ever hurt them. I would leave them if I couldn't be safe around them. I would remove myself from them. And I trust that. I have put aside my fears because my gut, my instincts, my heart tells me that I would never perpetrate them the way that I was. I just wouldn't.

So why bring this up now?

Because last night I had a new series of thoughts about it. Most nights, I am the person who baths our children. I'm good at it, I enjoy the intimacy and they seem to like it as well. We used to always bath Bailey together, but the addition of Connor just naturally changed the routine. I found myself staring at Connor while I was bathing him, drinking in his beautiful little body. I was watching his arms shake, the way his knees bend, the crinkles in his neck. I love touching their bodies when they are all soapy and wet and warm and silky smooth. I love running my hands along them and feeling their crevices. I love the way they giggle when I find the perfect ticklish spot and the way that their eyes sparkle as they feel my love flow through my hands. I love the sheer intimacy that caring for them in such a profound way brings.

And because of my history, I have to examine it. I find myself having to step back from those moments and sort out in my head the seperaration between sexual intimacy and loving intimacy. And I have realized, in a way that a therapist telling me never could make me realize, the very profound difference between the two.

See, it's not something I ever learned from my partner. Not that Kelly and I don't have moments of intimacy that are not sexual...we do...but in all honesty, they are rare for me. In many ways, I have always equated the intimacy of touch with sex. It's one of the effects of having touch be sexualized in such a negative way. It's something that I have always carried with me.

But with my children, there is a clear line and that line has taught me so much. I have never felt even a wisp of my worst fear with them. I can touch them in the most intimate ways and it has never felt sexual. I am so thankful for that. In a way that a person who has not been sexually violated may not understand. You have no idea the depth fo the fear that I carried and that I still carry to this day. That I can put my mouth on my sons lips and kiss him over and over again while he giggles and slobbers and licks my lips and NOT feel like I am violating him is such an amazing thing.

I am so thankful for all those years of therapy. My mother did such an amazing job in pulling me through that and not letting that crap fester. I can talk about this stuff. I can shine the bright white light on the fear and name it. I can own my shit, walk through it and come out the other side. Without the support and the tools that therapy has given me, I wouldnt' be able to that. And maybe, I wouldnt' be able to seperate the two. And maybe I would have missed so much of this intimacy with my children that makes the love I have for them so deep.

Thank god I am not missing this. Because those moments with my children are so precious to me. More precious than just about any other moment.

Another One For My Love

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water if I can tell you what’s next
Make you believe, make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet,
perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water, if i could tell you what’s next,
make you believe, make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart
I can taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God
when you come on 
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on love
Singin' shalala la
Singin' shalala la
ooo
ooo
ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love

(come on get higher, loosen my lips)It's all wrong
(faith and desire at the swing of your hips)It's all wrong
(just to pull me down hard and drown me in love)It's all right

So, come on, get higher
Come on, get higher
'Cause everything works in your
Everything works in your arms

For You, My Love

I remember, trying not to stare the night that I first met you 
You had me mezmorized 
And three weeks later, in the front porch light 
taking forty-five minutes to kiss goodnight 
I hadn't told you yet 
but I thought I loved you then 

And now you're my whole life 
now you're my whole world 
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl 
Like a river meets the sea, 
stronger than it's ever been. 
We've come so far since that day 
And I thought I loved you then 

And i remember, taking you back to right where I first met you, 
You were so surprised 
There were people around, but I didn't care 
Got down on one knee right there once again, 
I thought I loved you then 

And now you're my whole life 
now you're my whole world 
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl 
Like a river meets the sea, 
stronger than it's ever been. 
We've come so far since that day 
And I thought I loved you then 

I could just see you, with a baby on the way 
And I could just see you, when your hair is turning gray 
What I can't see is how I'm ever gonna love you more 
But I've said that before 

And now you're my whole life 
now you're my whole world 
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl 
We'll look back someday, at this moment that we're in 
And I'll look at you and say 
And I thought I loved you then 
And I thought I loved you then

Oh Joy

It's Wednesday, which officially means that I am almost halfway through this week.  That's good.

I'm in a rut and decided this morning to get the fuck out of it.  I'm so tired of feeling tired, bluesy, bummed, disappointed.  

In proper Mikki-style, I'm taking the bull by the horns and changing shit up.  

First stop - the gym.  I need to get my ass in there.  Even if don't lose a pound, I need to gain the energy and the self-respect that comes along with doing something good for my body.  I'll have to get up at 3:30 AM to make this work, and that'll suck.  But it's something.  It's a step.  

That's the first step.  I'll keep you informed.

Yesterday, in the middle of the morning, my love called me and invited me to lunch.  Given that we work 3 blocks from one another and we both are afforded the right to take a lunch break, you'd think we do this often.  We don't.  But we should.  It's kid-free time.  It's a break from work.  It's time to talk to each other.  It's time together with no other point than doing it together.  So, I'm instituting "Togetherness Tuesdays" and we'll do lunch every Tuesday (of course, this is subject to change around meetings...but at least one day a week).  

And with work.  Lordy - I'm bored with my job.  So, I'm going to ramp up my efforts to find a new job, doing something I'm good at that I enjoy.  And that pays me what I'm worth.  And allows me my alternative schedule.  Anyone got a job making at least 60K that will allow me to work 6:30 - 3?  Preferably doing something I love?  Anyone?

That's all for now.  The kids are great.  Not much new with them.

Pacifier BEGONE!

Yes, we did it.  The bobo, Bailey's precious bobo, was taken away when she woke up on Friday morning and it wasn't returned.  Friday night she was bummed.  She asked for it a couple of times.  I told her that she was a big girl now and that big girls didn't need pacifiers.  I told her that it was in the garbage and that the garbage man had taken it away in his big green truck.  She cried a bit and needed extra cuddles.  She needed one extra round of night-time love, but then fell asleep and stayed asleep the entire night.  

Saturday morning, the first words out of her mouth were "I want to buy a new bobo".  I told her no and that she was a big girl and that to celebrate the fact that she was such a big girl, we were going to get ice cream.  She asked for cupcakes too.  No drama for the rest of the day regarding the bobo.

Saturday night, she looked at me quite sadly and informed me that the garbage man had her bobo and that she was a big girl and didn't need it.  Then she went to bed without any problems.  

She said nothing on Sunday morning and last night, she went to bed without even asking for it.

The upsaid to all of this is that she's sleeping through the night.  When she wakes up, she is not frantic to find the bobo that has fallen out of her mouth while sleeping and she just goes back to sleep.  She was obviously ready for this.  Once again, I think daycare helped.  They never gave her the bobo for naptime, so she has learned to fall asleep without it.  It was just a matter of us making the decision to move forward at home.  And now it's done.  Just like that!

Now on to potty training.  She's about 85% potty trained at school.  They take her every hour and she almost always pees on the potty.  Sometimes she poops too, although that is more rare.  She has even started asking at school to go on the potty.  

I made the first initial steps into full potty training yesterday.  I showed her a package of Elmo panties and we talked about buying them when she is peeing on the potty at home too.  For whatever reason, she refuses to do it at home.  Part of it is us - we haven't yet fully committed - and part of it is her - she really likes the little potties at school.  Again, we'll make this happen at some point soon, and she'll be ready.  She's only just over 2!!!  

Connor is close to rolling over (from his back to his tummy).  This skill generally develops after the tummy to back roll over (which he hasn't done yet) and usually around 5-6 months.  Connor is 3 1/2 months now, so that it makes good sense that he is just about there.  He gets his entire body over, with just his shoulder left.  He's been doing that for a while.  This weekend, he worked really hard to get over that shoulder...and he's getting closer.  No more leaving the baby unattended on things...

God - they are growing up so fast.  It's almost sad...almost!

It's Friday

That is what I'm happy about today.  It's Friday.  And tonight is pizza night, which just makes me happy.  Pizza is so easy to make.  Even easier to clean up (since I put the pizzas directly on the baking rack.  We all like it.  It feels festive.

Tomorrow, hopefully we'll hook up with some good friends in the afternoon.  In the morning, it's MyGym for one of us and a repair man for the other.  Yes, a repair man.  Actually, we think it'll be a replacement man.  Our hot water heater is shit.  It produces hot water for about 5 minutes.  Then immediately stops.  Which is very cold at 4 AM.  Our house is 11 years old and everything in it was builder quality and put in when the house was built.  We fully expect all the appliance to go in the next two years.  Just hopefully not the fridge...not before we've used the frozen breast milk.

Oh, right...and tonight is the first night without the binky.  Poor Bailey.  I can already feel her tears.  She's had two excellent nights...not waking up at all.  It's going to be a rough few nights.  She managed to save the binky for one more week last week when she came down with strep on Friday afternoon.  Nothing will save her now.

She's nearly potty trained too.  But not at home.  At school, she goes on the potty every single time.  Even poop - most of the time.  Seriously, that's cool!!!  But at home, she refuses.  We recently got her the upgraded potty model.  I think she doesn't like the bathroom - and I've offered to move the potty.  She told me the wanted it "on the TV", which I took to mean that she wanted it in front of the TV.  Which isn't going to happen...even if it would make for cute, blackmail pictures.  She's only a month over two, so we're happy with this progress.  Eventually, she'll pee at home too.  

Connor is just sunshine and joy these days.  He's so happy, sleeping 8-9 hours at night and taking short, frequent naps.  He's trying to roll over and acting like he's figuring out how to scoot backwards.  He's a cooing machine - mimicking our mouth movements and tone.  He's constantly got a smile on his face and he has incorporated these big, full-body, breathy laughs into most moments.  He's a dream baby.

It's the weekend.  I'm glad.

Some Things I Love (For Karen)

So, Karen is right.  Sometimes it really is only about those tiny moments that feel insignificant, but really are the total reason we are doing all of this.

Here are a few of my favorite things about my children:

1) Bailey says "That's okay" when you apologize to her for something.  And she means it.  

2) Last night, while I was bathing Connor, she came up behind me and started rubbing my back, ending it all by say "I love you so much, Momma"

3) Every night, she stares as me as if I am the only person who could ever make her feel so comfortable, safe and happy.  And I believe I am.  

4) Connor loves to give me kisses.  He grabs the side of my nec

k or my cheeks and pulls me back to his mouth over and over again, giggling every time my lips touch his.  

5) He still gives those big, wet, sloppy baby kisses that are only gross in thought...in reality, they are the sweetest kisses in the world.

6) He's trying to move - often, if you prop him up on a pillow (to change your clothes for example) he will thrust himself down.  But then he looks up at you like, "Help...how the hell did I get into such an uncomfortable position."  He doesn't cry...just waits, looking very perplexed.

7) He stares at Bailey - sometimes in adoration, but most of the time with a patient timidness.

8) Bailey eats macaroni and  cheese with gusto.  Seriously, I like mac and cheese even more because she is so passionate about it.

9) Bailey doesn't get that M&M's are chocolate - so if you offe

r her an M&M, she says no.  If you offer her chocolate, she gets all excited.  This makes me laugh.  Hysterically sometimes.  

10) Bailey is trying to figure out relationships.  Yesterday we talked about how I am her Momma and Connor's Momma.  She asked me if I was Mommy's Momma?  I told her no, I am Mommy's wife.  Last night, after this conversation, she told Kelly that Kelly was my wife.  Super sweet.

11) Connor's upper thighs are ticklish.  When you put lotio

n on him after his nightly bath, he giggles and giggles.  Same thing with his neck.  Washing his neck is cause for serious laughter.  

12) Bailey likes to finger paint.  I love that her art is hanging all over our living room and I can't wait for Connor's to join it.  

13) Bailey approaches everything with such intensity.  I see my

self so much in her and love the reflection.

14) Connor is Kelly, through and through.  He is patient, gentle, laid back.  He is a constant source of joy for me - none of the frustration that Bailey brought.  He is simply love.

15) It seems that the donor did not have much to do with our children - they really are reflections of us.  And yet they look alike.  Take a look.   This is both of them at 3 months.

Hmmmmm

I couldn't come up with a title....so "hmmmm" it is.  

All is normal in the McFadden household.  So normal that I find it tedious to write about it.  You all know the drill - up early, run the marathon, drop in bed.  It doesn't change for us right now.  

This past weekend Bailey was sick with strep.  I was sick on Friday, but since Bailey's sickness trumped mine, I didn't really get to be sick.  Connor's cold from earlier in the week settled into his lungs and nebulizer treatments were called for.  Kelly healed like a normal person, although now she thinks she's getting a sinus infection.  But since we've finally beat the yeast, she's terrified of the antibiotic cure.  

Good fucking times.

See, this is why I haven't been writing.  I am just in a mostly terrible mood these days.  Honestly,  I am just not a fan of my entire world being about the daily grind.  I had a great trip to Maine with Bailey over Memorial Day.  It was delightful.  It was one of those perfect moments in time where you would like to stop time and just enjoy every moment.  I hung with old buddies, I went out and got completely obliterated on Saturday night, my baby girl slept like the living dead and woke up refreshed every day, she played with her Grammie and Andrea, planted a garden.  Really - it was a perfect trip.  

And then I come home and realize that perfection exists only in moments and I can't help but feel bitter.  I'm super frustrated with the fact that, even though I have everything I've ever said I wanted, I still feel like I need to reach for more.  I don't know.  I just find myself asking "really...is this as good as it gets?"  And part of me knows that this IS as good as it gets with a 2-3 hour a day commute, a 3 month old and a 2 year old.  I do know that things right now are crazy, and that isn't just my imagination.  They really are. 

I remember that it took about a year for Kelly and I to find one another after Bailey was born.  The difference is that in my pregnancy, I didn't withdraw as much as Kelly did in hers.  In her defense, her pregnancy was completely awful.  But we're now 13 months into this (from the point that she got pregnant) and we've been lost for at least that long.  And we had barely started to recover.  I mean, Bailey was only 15 months old when we got pregnant. 

So I don't know.  Logically, it all makes sense that I'm struggling.  But fuck!  I am so tired of it.  I jsut want to be happy.