Just To Busy

That's my excuse.  I'm just too busy to write much anymore.  Which completely and totally sucks, because there is actually a lot going on.  I think I'll take this post by each individual person...

Bailey

Our Bailey is doing very, very well right now.  She seems to have hit another one of those points where one day she is years more advanced than she was just the day before.  For instance, her already advanced language skills seems to have advanced a bit further.  She is talking in full, complete sentences at all time.  The other day, I asked her if she was cold (because it was windy) and she said, "No Momma, I'm not cold.  I'm warm."  Okay.  That answered that question.  She's also doing some pretty clear logical thinking.  We were at the park, and I asked her if she was hungry.  Just like that, "Bailey, are you hungry?"  She looked at me for a second and then said, "No, I'm not hungry, I want to stay at the park."  Obviously, she has figured out that the wrong answer to that questions will mean that we'll leave the park and go get food.  And she didn't want to leave the park.  She dresses herself.  We don't really have her do it all the time, because she's not great at it.  But she can get herself completely naked and then mostly dressed (she struggles with the socks) without must issue.  She sings full songs from start to finish. 

Really, she just blows my mind right now.  She has fully transitioned to her big girl bed without any issues.  She wanted it and now she sleeps in it.  Done.  This Friday morning, we are going to throw away all the binkys in the house.  She is really, really going to struggle with this one.  Other than just hanging on through hours of tears and no sleeping, I think we'll be okay.  This is one struggle that is going to break her heart...but it's time.  She is two and it needs to go.  Connor doesn't use a binky.  Occassionally, we'll give it to him, but he almost never wants it.  He'll go binky-free at the same time, just for consistency.  

We are still pending potty training.  She's not really focused on it right now.  I have to believe that there will come a time when she will pursue it.  They put her on the potty multiple times a day at school and we will soon start doing the same at home on the weekends.  I think the right first step will be to get rid of the diapers all together.  But this is not an issue we are pushing or feel any urgency about.  

Finally, our perfect eater is no longer a perfect eater.  In fact, she is downright finicky!!!!  She really only wants cereal or pancakes for breakfast, and mac and cheese and turkey hot dogs all the rest of the time.  And mandarin oranges.  We can get her to eat other pasta dishes, but rarely anything else.  Some chicken.  Some cheese.  Not much else.  It's frustrating, but I am comforted by the fact that all kids go through this.

Connor

Our Connor is going through the same type of development spurt that Bailey is going through.  It seems like overnight he has morphed from a helpless infant into a baby.  He has long periods of being awake, he's sleeping 6-8 hours at a stretch at night, with a second 2-3 hour stretch after a feeding.  I walked into daycare yesterday and found him playing in their exersaucer!  Our freakin' 3 month old baby was playing and having a great time!!!  We got ours out and cleaned up again last night and he played in the one at home too.  He recognizes us clearly now - all three of us.  He smiles and hugs.  His Mommy is his favorite person in the world.  Partly, I assume, because he is still exclusively breast-fed...but also because she just gets him.  They are very, very similar creatures.  He gets thrown by loud craziness...unless it is the usual loud craziness of Bailey.  Generally, though, if she cries and carries on, so does he.  He doesn't like to feel disconnected.  He doesn't like to be left for any real period of time by himself.  He seems to be as social as Bailey, but in a different way.  He likes to be around people and busyness...but he doesn't interact with it the way that she did.  He watches.  He ponders.  He stares.  He is going to be an observer in the same way that his Mommy is an observer.  

He seems to find lots of comfort in me, so I am not too upset that Mommy is his clear favorite.  LOL - it was bound to happen that way.  He relaxes with me and snuggles with me.  He is a bit thrown, though, because nearly every time he is in my arms, Bailey wants to be there too.  She doesn't much like it when I spend exclusive time with Connor.  We are working on that and forcing the issue some, because she needs to share.  She's adjusting.

He's pretty big at this point.  He's in 6-9 month clothes for the most part.  He's probably 15 pounds, although he hasn't been weighed in a while.  We are still medicating him for yeast, but it seems to be getting better.  Kelly is also still being medicated for yeast.  At this point, we are just trying to keep it managable.  We've read that it will probably not completely go away until we can isolate him (meaning, until he is not breast fed).  Kelly is committed to at least 6 months, so we are 2 1/2 months away from the isolation happening.  She may decide to go longer.

Bailey and Connor

Bailey and Connor are developing a relationship.  I guess I should say that Connor is really, really interested in his sister and Bailey is very much possesive of Connor.  When I picked them up yesterday, I got Connor first.  I didn't want for her to be around the other babies, touching and spreading germs.  She is impossible to contain, so I got him first.  I then brought him over to her room to pick her up.  All the kids swarmed his carseat, which I had sitting on the table.  I told the kids that it was fine to look, but not to touch. Bailey policed the situation quite impressively.  Every time one of the other kids tried to touch the car seat, Bailey would say "No, that's my baby".  LOL - she calls him "Connor Buddy" most of the time.  Yesterday, when we were driving home, she started naming who we all were.  She said "Mommy is a woman.  Momma is a woman.  That is a man (a stranger on the street).  Pitter is a kitty.  Connor is a buddy."  SERIOUSLY cute!!!!  I laughed and laughed.  Then, Connor started to cry...cause he hates the car seat - and she tried to reach over to him saying "It's okay, little Connor Buddy, it's okay.  Look, see, we're almost home.  Do you remember, Connor Buddy, we're almost home?"  She's such a good big sister!  I can only imagine them in 6 months, when he is moving and trying to start to talk.  God, it's going to be funny.

Mommy

Kelly is doing well with the transition back to work.  As well as can be expected of a breast feeding mother who is only 13 weeks post partum.  She's struggling with the separation.  She talks about the physical cravings she has for Connor, and you can hear the sadness in her voice.  I think she is trying to be gentle about it, because the difference between my reaction to returning to work (sheer joy) and her reaction is very different.  Kelly really does try to be gentle about the fact that she did not suffer post partum depression.  It's a very raw spot for me, so she treads lightly.  With that said, her struggle is just different than mine.  While she would never choose to be a stay at home mom, I think she would probably choose to take a year off to be with Connor if that were an option.  Maybe a little less - maybe only the time that she is breast feeding.  

The breast feeding is going well.  She is incredibly proud of her ability to do this and make it work.  Especially because it was so, so difficult at the beginning.  And because I have not been the most supportive partner through the process.  I am guilty of being incredibly selfish about it and not wanting her to feed him that way.  It's been hard for me to seperate my feelings of guilt (for not being able to breast feed Bailey) and frustration (for having my wife's body belong to someone else) and jealousy (because she can and I couldn't and because Connor is attaching to her more quickly), with my very real understanding that this IS for the best.  This is what is best for Connor.  So not only has she had me and this relatively toxic environment, but she has also been dealing with a yeast infestation that took hold at 3 weeks and is still a factor.  She's managed to continue breast feeding and has a thriving child to show for it.  This is a very real reason to be proud...and she is.  Connor loves her breasts!!!  He gets all cranky when he goes without them and will not be satisfied with a bottle if she is anywhere near him.  If he can smell her or hear her voice, it must be the boob or nothing!  

Kelly is experiencing something with Connor that she didn't experience with Bailey.  She loved Bailey from the start, deeply and truly.  That is the same.  What is different is that her confidence in her ability to parent Connor is so strong.  She is bonded to him in a way that goes beyond the normal love that you feel for your child.  The biological connection has been very real, along with the 2 years of practice that she got with Bailey.  She is very, very much in love with him.  She feels what I felt for Bailey, once I was able to move through my post partum depression.  There is something to the biology of mothering.  I would have denied it before Connor was born...until I felt the difference.  Loving Connor for me has been an act of falling in love with him, of learning him, of becoming his parent through the daily tasks of parenting.  Bailey was an instant, immediate connection.  I knew her in my soul, in my bones, in my heart long before I could have articulated it.  It's strange, because I could never compare the two - it's just different.  Neither is better, and I would die for either of my children - but there is a difference.  A big one.  And Kelly is experiencing it from the other side.  It is a joy to watch her love like this.

Momma

All told, I am well.  The initial shock of having a new child in the house has worn off.  Connor just belongs with us and that is that.  I'm over the fit-throwing desire to yank my wife back to me.  I'm through the worst of the exhaustion.  I'm doing okay.  

With that said, I crave a bit more normalcy.  We are developing a routine and that feels good.  The more developed it becomes, the happier I will be.  

I am desperately missing my wife.  Kelly and I are still seperated by a lot right now and while we have found very brief moments where we have the time and energy to cross the invisible line that seperates us, those moments are rare.  We are both missing each other, but even the act of "missing" takes time and energy we don't have.  I just have to keep holding on through this and believe it will get better.  This part sucks for me, and honestly, it make the rest of it a bit less enjoyable.  I hate the distance, which might be why I dislike early infancy so much. 

All in all, though, I can't complain.  We are doing okay and it's only getting better.  

There is more, but I've been writing for an hour and I don't have time to keep writing.  I'll be back tomorrow!

Maine Maine Maine...and other stuff

So, I'm super, ridiculously swamped at work and don't want to do it...so here I am writing away.  

Yesterday was hell-day for Kelly.  Everything that could go wrong did.  Bailey spilled water all over herself while Kelly was feeding Connor, making a clothing change necessary.  Kelly sat Connor down to deal with the issue and he exploded in poop all over himself and his clothing.  On the way upstairs to change and re-dress both kids, Bailey threw a fit because she wanted to be carried.  Once upstairs, Bailey pooped while Connor was being cleaned up and redressed.  Bailey was finally redressed and the kids were loaded into the car.  Bailey fell out as Kelly was trying to drop her off.  When she finally managed to complete that handout, and get Connor over to his room, she realized that in our exhaustion the night before we had filled the bottles and put rings and caps on them...but no nipples.  Breast milk was everywhere in the insulated bag that we use.  She lost about 3 ounces total (an entire feeding for the most part) and had to go home, get nipples, clean up the mess and bring it all back.  So, of course, she missed the bus and had to drive to work.  

Hell morning.  Poor girl.  She hung in there, though, and we made it through the day.

My job sucks right now.  I am actively looking for another one, so if anyone out there is in the DC area with a job that I can work 6:30-3 and make around 55K a year, please let me know.  I'm a kick ass worker, with nothing but perfect reviews for the last 5 years.  I really am good at what I do.  And what do I do, you might be wondering?  Well, everything!  Honestly.  I can manage programs, do financial stuff, create webpages and trouble-shoot technical issues.  I do all kinds of stuff and I've never found anything that I can't master.  So...if there is anything out there, let me know!  

I'm tired of working at 170% all the time.  And this year, I'm going to lose about 10K in salary because they took away overtime and are not giving bonuses.  On top of that we are in a salary freeze, meaning that I'm not getting an annual increase.  Fine.  But then, back the fuck off and let me just work like a normal person.

Anyway.

All of this is going away for a few days, because I'm going to Maine!  And I get to take my Bailey with me and show her my state.  She'll see the ocean for the first time ever.  I'm just so freakin' excited!!!  I'm really bummed about being away from Connor and Kelly, but honestly, it's a secondary emotion to being back in Maine.  I need to go "home" for a couple of days.  It's been since 2006.

Now, I must work.  Of course.

The First Day

It's funny, but Kelly's first day back at work held more signficance for me than Connor's first day at school.  I guess it's because having a child in childcare is sort of old-hat to me.  Having a wife, who just biologically had a child, back to work is not.  

In any event, it went well.  The day was long - we calculated that we both went at a dead sprint for 17 hours yesterday.  Without stopping.  It was long, it was lots of work and it was dirty.  But it worked.  This schedule that we keep is insane.  

Kelly, rightfully, asked the question last night "how long can we honestly keep this up?"  The answer that I gave her then is "as long as we have to"....because we don't have any other options.  We work really hard for everything that we have.  In that respect, we are not that different than any other couple with two very young children.  It aint easy...but it's also not a surprise that it's not easy.

I have a friend that I see every day here at work.  She and her husband have been married a couple of years and they live the very average life of a relatively newly married couple without children.  Lately, she's been grilling me about being a mom and how we make it work.  She asks me all kinds of questions - about our relationship, the time, the downtime and how to manage it all.  I am honest...to a fault.  I think it sucks that so many people gloss over raising children.  I know that for some people it's really easy.  I know that some people have these super easy schedules, ideal arragnements and are more than happy to put their relationships 2nd (or third or fourth).  Some people really do make it look easy.

But I've done a lot of polling myself over the last two years.  I've sought some truth and some reflection of my experience...and I've found it.  Most people who do this, struggle.  Most people find the balancing act difficult and most people find their marriages to be a pale shadow of what they were before children.  

I'm not going to gloss it over.  

She asks me if it's worth it.  And the easy answer is that of course it's worth it.  I mean, look, we love our children.  Bailey and Connor are the best parts of us and they are the reason we do it all.  But "worth" and "challenge" are not the same thing.  It is very worth it.  And it's fucking hard.  Both things exist at the same time, in equal proportions.

Maybe when they are gone, we're close to retirement and things seem so calm and quiet again, we'll remember these times and want some of it back.  I suspect we will.  I have no doubt that this will be some of the best times we have with our children - when they are still so in love with us.  We'll remember it all...but you can bet your ass I'll be honest about what it was too.  It is work.  It is a labor of love...

You Know That Twinge?

You know that twinge you get when you realize that you've made thing too complicated?

I get it often.

And I have it again.

The first thing that I made to complicted was my desire to get Bailey in a big girl bed and potty trained right around two.  I went on a tirade and forced Kelly to go out and buy a twin bed like two months ago.  It is in Bailey bedroom and is currently being used as a place for the cats to sleep and a spring board for Bailey's bored jumping.  This past weekend, we were in Baby's R Us and Bailey spotted a toddler bed.  She ran to it, happy as a lark.  We plopped down our $100 bucks for the NOT pink version and Monday night I randomly decided to put it together and dismantle the crib.  And just like that, Bailey's transitioned to a big girl bed.  There has been no drama.  No issues.  No late-night playing in the room.  Just Bailey, in a bed, sleeping.  I gave up on potty training too - just letting it happen as she leads it.  Again the twinge.  I just need to remember (or get it through my thick scull somehow) that Bailey will let us know when she is ready to make these transitions.  And they will probably happen right on time, when they are supposed to happen.  On her schedule...not mine.  

The second thing that I've made too complicated is my relationship.  Again.  I do this often and it kills Kelly.  Seriously.  She hates me for it.  This is one of those things that she tolerates about me, rather than loving in an exasperated kind of way.  I can't push her.  I can't force her to be a circle when she is a square.  And I always try.  And it frustrates me to an unreal level when she doesn't respond...in other words, when she stays a square.  But, and this is always true, if I just back off and put what I need out there and let her figure out how to make her edges a little more round, she always does.  Always.  She's never failed me.  

*sigh*

Sometimes, being me is exhausting.

A Million Things and Nothing

I haven't posted much because there really isn't all that much to say.  I could assult your senses with my million and one daily tasks, but that seems mostly pointless.  

Things are good.  Not just okay.  Not bad.  But actually good.  Connor has now slept through the night twice (the "night" being 8 PM - ~4:30 AM).  Not consecutively, but close enough that we hope it'll stick.  When he is up, it's later in the morning - usually 3:30 AM or so...so he is sleeping longer stretches.  This is good.

Today is his first day of daycare, if they allow him to start.  I say it like that because we still can't get rid of the yeast and they told us last week he couldn't start if we didn't get rid of it.  We'll see what they say.  Kelly is home this week, so if we need to keep him home another couple of days, it's not the worst thing in the world.  

It's another transition.  Next week will be another transition as both of us will be back to work  and both kids in childcare.  *sigh*

That should be the last of the immediate changes though.  Hopefully.  

We bought a 2009 Honda Odyssey on Saturday.  It's absolutely awesome and we are beyond happy to have the much needed space.  

Bailey is good.  Not much changing there - just our usual, awesome, full-of-life baby girl.  

More updates soon.  I promise.

Lessons Learned

Time for a new lessons learned post.  Bailey's party was fantastic and I'll post pictures soon.  Everyone is doing just fine (aside from a never-ending yeast problem that is so frustrating I don't want to talk about it).

Lesson #1: Just stop having expectations.  Of anything, or anyone.  Just stop.  

Lesson #2: Never, ever say that both kids are sleeping out loud.  If you do, one of them will wake up.

Lesson #3: Don't try to have sex.  See above, second sentence.

Lesson #4: Poop diapers never end and are never fun.

Lesson #5: It's okay to not like parenting sometimes.  It's even okay to go whole stretches of time where you don't like parenting.  

Lesson #6: Your kids will reflect you.  No matter what you do or how hard you try to hide what is happening in your life.  They see it and will reflect it.  Period.

Lesson #7: It never ends.  Don't expect it to (see #1).  Even when you get a "break" you're still a parent.  You can't escape it and trying to will just frustrate you.

Lesson #8: Everything, everything, everything changes.  

Lesson #9: Just when you think you've figured out the changes, it changes again.  See #1.

Lesson #10: Go ahead, swear if you want to.  What's the worse that can happen?

Lesson #11: Inevitably, someone thinks you're doing it wrong.  Fuck them.

Lesson #12: Stop comparing your kids to other kids.  Just stop.  Eventually, you will find the fault in your kids and that sucks.  So don't go looking for it.

Lesson #13: People are staring at you in the store when your kids loses his or her cool or you lose your cool with them.  Accept it.  See #11.

Lesson #14: Get a good pediatrician.  One that is responsive.  You need them more often than you think you do.

Lesson #15: Your first instinct is probably the right one, even if it goes against everything you've ever said about parenting.  See #1.

Lesson #16: When in doubt, blame it on the exhaustion.  Most of the time, this is an accurate assignment of blame.

Lesson #17: It goes without saying that you understand your parents more than ever when you become a parent yourself.

Lesson #18: Puke doesn't smell any better when it dries on your clothes.  Inevitably, you will smell like puke a lot.

Lesson #19: Your pets become your pets when the kids show up.  It's just a fact of life.  They will eventually get used to it.

Lesson #20: Try to come up with a plausible answer when your friends ask you if would go back and choose to not have children if you could.  They will ask, if you're honest, and inevitably you won't be able to answer.  How could you possibly answer that completely pointless question?

For Our Bailey

Two years ago, your Mommy and I were in the hospital.  We had just woken from a very restless nights sleep full of cervidil and contractions.  We were preparing for a day of pitocin and what we hoped would be dilation and delivery.  We were so ready for you and May 1 seemed like a perfectly good day to have you.  

Of course, that is not how it worked.  You were very comfortable inside of my body, my Bailey.  You were also wrapped up tight in the cord, so even if you were not very comfortable, you couldn't do much to help yourself.  We tried pitocin all day to no avail.  The attempts went into the next day...the day you finally joined us.  

You were born with a loud, piercing cry.  You were born big with a shock of black hair.  You were pink and moved quickly into bright red as you screamed at those of us who would force you into this world.  You came out as spirited and as fiesty as you are today.  

We had so many dreams, so many hopes, so many unbelievable misconceptions about parenting.  You taught us moment by moment what it meant to be your parent.  What it was to be your Mommy and your Momma.  

And, oh, how we loved you!  God, the rush was amazing.  Seeing your face and knowing that you were the child we had waited for.  We were shocked, we were tired, we were no prepared for what was coming...but we were so in love with you.

And we still are.  You have become such an amazing child.  You are all the things I admire the most - you are charismatic, ballsy, funny, boisterous.  You are intense and full of energy.  You bend life to suit you in a way that is so complete, I can't help but be impressed.  I adore you when you make me laugh when I'm trying to punish you.  You are so completely a part of every moment of my life, that I cannot seperate my love for you from my need to breathe.  You are me and I am you and the essential task of seperating the two is what parenting you is all about.  

Our child.  Our baby.  Our daughter.  We love you.  More than I can say and more than you'll ever know or comprehend.  Happy Birthday, tomorrow, B Bubbles.