Time is so strange on maternity leave. It seems like I have all the time in the world, but then I look around and it's already 3 PM and I have to go get Bailey. Where does the day go? What do I do with the time? It's so strange.
Which is my way of saying sorry for not writing more often. There are actually things going on and things to say, but I just never find the time to sit down and put it into words. So, forgive the broken nature of this post - but there is a lot to write!
We'll start with the newest member of our family - Mr. Connor. He is doing very well, and is the least drama of all of us, ironically. He's growing so quickly - already, we've done away with newborn diapers and packed up the newborn clothing. He started smiling just a couple of days ago - little crinkles that start at the corner of his eyes and end at one side of his mouth hitching up. Usually, you get a big smile when he turns his head and realizes that either me or Kelly is holding him. He loves to "find" us.
His sleeping has become a bit of drama in the last couple of days. Connor has decided that he doesn't want to sleep anywhere except the swing or in my arms. For two nights now, he has slept amost exclusively in my arms, while I sit propped up with pillows trying to sleep myself. This is not safe for him and certainly not conducive to a good night's sleep for me. He sleeps great in the swing - for up to 4 hours at a stretch during the day. We tossed around the idea of letting him sleep in the swing the same way that we did for Bailey, but that caused it's own host of problems. Namely, we couldn't travel, we bought more batteries than any human being should and it was HELL to break her of it when she finally grew out of it. We have come back full circle to just forcing him into the pack n play - accepting that it might mean a few sleepless nights for us while we train him back into it. Tomorrow, the swing will need to go away - because I'm convinced that if we put him in it during the day, it will affect his sleep at night. And THAT is no good.
Breastfeeding still has it's own host of challenges, but we are working on meeting them. Kelly still has very sore nipples most of the time. Connor is only eating for 10-12 minutes at a time on each breast and then stopping (usually with some painful pulling when he stops), but then acting hungry when he is "finished". There could be lots of explanations - he is in a growth spurt, Kelly's supply is lower than it should be, or maybe just that they are both still learning. Whatever the issue, Kelly is really struggling with it all. I think that she wishes this were like the blissful images we see all over the place of the perfectly serene mother feeding her perfectly suckling baby. Lord knows, there is all kinds of pressure to make breastfeeding work - from many sources. Because of my non-experience with breastfeeding, I cannot offer any advice or reassurance. In fact, in some ways, I am a detriment to the process. I definately think that formula is easier, and if Kelly wasn't so adament about doing this and seeing it through, I would push harder for her to quit.
But, because she is committed, I am trying to be supportive and we are have set up a consultation at the Breastfeeding Center downtown. I have nothing to offer, having no experience, and we need for someone to watch the process. Even if Kelly and Connor are doing everything perfectly and this is all just the natural course of it, Kelly needs to hear that from someone who knows what they are talking about. She needs to be able to pepper someone with all her questions and get meaningful, personal feedback. Truth be told, she also needs to be surrounded, even for a short period of time, by people who champion breastfeeding and who treat the other options are secondary. She needs to the "pep" talk that I can't give. Our appointment is on Thurdsay.
It seems that there isn't much else going on with Kelly that is of importance. The breastfeeding stuff is all encompassing right now. It is an every-two-hour thing that takes up her entire brain. She is still going through a lot of the post partum hormone rush, but that seems to have improved in the last week. She definately seems to be on a more even keel right now. A frustrated keel, as breastfeeding has her going crazy, but more even than last week! She is within 10 pounds of her pre-Connor weight and within 30 pounds of her pre-Bailey weight. The nice thing about breastfeeding is that it takes that weight off QUICK! And she's just a naturally thin woman anyway - so it's coming off without much issue. The last 20 will be challenging.
Bailey is hanging in there. She and I have recently had some minor crisis regarding her behavior. I have been letting her get away with murder in the last month or so and she has been committing "murder" on a regular basis. She has turned into a mouthy, stubborn, fit-throwing, screaming monster who sucks the fun out of nearly every moment with her open defiance and ridiculous whining. How's that for a hell of a description?
Honestly, though, it's an accurate one.
And it's made me crazy. I am the person who primarily handles Bailey and I am certainly her primary disciplinarian. And I have been failing. After a couple of crisis moments, I broke down and had long conversations with Kelly, Mom and my brother regarding her behavior. Kelly admitted to having an emotional crisis about her behavior as well - not being sure how she was going to handle her when I went back to work and it fell to her to make sure both kids get to school every day.
So, this weekend, I put the smack down. Timeouts become a truly hideous thing for Bailey when I moved them up to her room, in her crib, with the lights out and the door shut. She HATES to be left out of anything and I think it genuinely hurts her feelings when I walk away from her. I stopped giving warnings - it was just "don't do this" and the second she did, she got a timeout. I stopped negotiating - telling her that I was done discussing it and if she continued to ask for X, she would get a timeout. On and on and on. Every major activity, every transition period, every crucial moment was discussed and timeouts given as needed.
It sucked. I felt shitty the entire time. I hated being her drill sergent, keeping her in line or else! I hated shutting that door and hearing her cry and call for me to "come back, Momma". I hated every second of it.
But it worked. Bailey and I have had a major breakthrough. She isn't acting up at all. That is not to say that she doesn't push some limits at times and she is certainly still earning timeouts, but all the major stuff has stopped and the threat of a timeout stops the ridiculous behavior. For instance - getting her into the bath used to be a 15 minute process while she ran away and refused to brush her teeth. That has completely stopped. Getting her into the car from school was a horrible experience - now it is completely pleasent with her holding my hand and walking with me.
I mean, I'm talking a complete 180 from where we were just four days ago. It's amazing. I have no illusions that it will last this well forever, but this is a good start. I have learned a valuable lesson in all of this - Bailey REALLY responds WELL to structure and to knowing what the limits are. I'm glad to be making these mistakes now, and not when she is 14. It's hard, but when we are working together, it's so wonderful.
And now, I can actually enjoy her. I'm not so angry with her all the time. The shouting has completely disappeared from our house. There is just no need. She is compliant within one warning and when she isn't, she knows that she will have a timeout. It's simple. The timeout system takes away much of the stress for me, because I know that there is a very simple, very concrete solution to her incredibly frustrating behavior. It makes anger unecessary and frees me up to just loving her.
It's amazing. It's like having a different child.
As for me, well, I am okay. I could go on and on, but it's late and I'm tired. Connor is in his crib sleeping for the first time in days and will probably wake up in about 45 minutes for his next feeding. I don't want to spend anymore time awake. So, I'll just say that my entire life is my family right now. Carrying Kelly through her breastfeeding experience, carrying Bailey through terrible two's and caring for Connor nearly every moment of every day means that there isn't much left for me. I'm hanging in, but very much looking forward to the trip I have booked in Maine over Memorial Day. I really want to the downtime, with my Momma taking care of me, to rejuvanate.
That's all for now. Night.
3/31/2009
3/25/2009
Lots Going On
It's been another crazy few days here in the McFadden house.
Late in the evening on Saturday (around midnight), my good friend, Katie, and her daughter, Samantha arrived from a 12 hour drive from Maine. Katie and I have a long history and she is one of my oldest and dearest friends. I was so happy to see her!!!!
Saturday was a mellow day, with everyone kind of tired from the late night and long drives.
Sunday, we threw a "Sip n See" to welcome Connor into the world. It was lots of fun and we had many of our friends come by and meet Connor. I am always a bit wierded out by entertaining, but I decided to keep this very low key and simple and it didn't turn out to be too much work. We had about 5 children here, around Bailey's age and one Connor's age. The kids were distracting and funny! Of course, we didn't take any pictures, because we never remember. But all told, I think it was successful and I'm glad we did it! And I'm super happy that Katie was here to help, because the last bit of preparation was a bit of a nightmare.
So, Monday dawned early and I was so excited that Bailey was going back to childcare. The weekends are very, very long. On the way to school, she was so excited to see her friends. At one point, she even threw her hands up in the air and said that she was "so excited to see all friends!"
We arrived at school to find that the center director, who had only started 7 months ago had walked out on Friday, leaving nothing but a note for the staff. She had not notified her management and it was an apparent surprise to everyone. The center was in disarray. The teachers were frantic, not sure what to do. Everyone seemed scattered and the entire feel of the place was disorganized and uncomfortable.
In about 30 seconds, Bailey went from super happy to be going to school, to very unhappy and nervous. She started crying and didn't want to stay. She screamed every time I made a move to leave. The teachers, rather than respond as they usually do, just sort of ignored her. Eventually, I was able to calm her down a bit and leave...but she was still crying as I left. I was too. It was an awful morning.
I came home on a mission and told Kelly that our job that day would be to find a new childcare facility for Bailey and Connor and that she would not be staying there through yet another transition. We went to check out Children's Center for Discovery about 2 hours later.
And we fell in love immediately. The center was full of color, of laughter, of happy children. The differences between our current facility and the other was amazing. We were so impressed by everything we saw. We grilled the teachers, we grilled the director, we took a tour of the facility and then asked more questions.
There were two very important things for us.
1) The teacher that will be Connor's teacher is the same woman that took care of Bailey. She had left Childtime about 5 months ago and gone to Children's Center for Discovery. The opening in the infant room was with her. She is truly an amazing care providor and we absolutely adored her when she cared for Bailey. It made us feel like we were coming home when we realized that Connor would be in her care.
2) Bailey's room is better in every way imaginable. There is a curriculum, the kids are her age, there are 3 teachers as opposed to 1, there are real toys, real circle time, and a true schedule. It's not glorified crowd control.
And equally important, although not the deal-maker, is the price. It will be $115 LESS PER WEEK to send out two children there. LESS!!! That is nearly $500 PER MONTH! Insanity!!!!!!
We got the paperwork and then brought Bailey to visit the next day. Putting aside the normal shyness, she absolutely loved her classroom. She participated in circle time and some free play time. She created a weather chart with the other kids. She looked for us constantly, but that is normal. She is going to absolutely love this class. She really is.
We put down our deposit for both kids and now, their spaces are secure.
Bailey will start on Tuesday, April 14 (the Monday is a holiday for the center) and Connor will start on May 20th (when he is 11 weeks old).
So that is what we've been up to. Kelly is still struggling with yeast infections in and on her nipples and Connor still has a bit in his mouth. But they are starting to get better. There is none of the same pain that existed before. A bit after, but not like it was.
Connor's 4 week appointment was this morning. He weighed in at 9 pounds, 3 ounces...which is 1 pound and 1 ounce MORE than two weeks ago. Seems like the breast feeding is working!!! He was 21 1/2 inches long, which is growth of an inch and half since birth. He is a tall, skinny guy - in the 25th percentile for weight, 50th percentile for height.
Everything else is good. He is normal in all ways that we can tell this early. He had one more hep shot, which sucked. He was sound asleep when it happened, and he did cry in his sleep but just briefly. He didn't wake up and he didn't cry for longer than a minute. It will be much, much worse when he has to have more than one. His little, skinny legs are not nearly as conducive to shots as Bailey's thick, chunky one's were!
Mommy, Momma and big sister are all hanging in there. There are pockets of roughness, but for the most part, we are doing okay.
Late in the evening on Saturday (around midnight), my good friend, Katie, and her daughter, Samantha arrived from a 12 hour drive from Maine. Katie and I have a long history and she is one of my oldest and dearest friends. I was so happy to see her!!!!
Saturday was a mellow day, with everyone kind of tired from the late night and long drives.
Sunday, we threw a "Sip n See" to welcome Connor into the world. It was lots of fun and we had many of our friends come by and meet Connor. I am always a bit wierded out by entertaining, but I decided to keep this very low key and simple and it didn't turn out to be too much work. We had about 5 children here, around Bailey's age and one Connor's age. The kids were distracting and funny! Of course, we didn't take any pictures, because we never remember. But all told, I think it was successful and I'm glad we did it! And I'm super happy that Katie was here to help, because the last bit of preparation was a bit of a nightmare.
So, Monday dawned early and I was so excited that Bailey was going back to childcare. The weekends are very, very long. On the way to school, she was so excited to see her friends. At one point, she even threw her hands up in the air and said that she was "so excited to see all friends!"
We arrived at school to find that the center director, who had only started 7 months ago had walked out on Friday, leaving nothing but a note for the staff. She had not notified her management and it was an apparent surprise to everyone. The center was in disarray. The teachers were frantic, not sure what to do. Everyone seemed scattered and the entire feel of the place was disorganized and uncomfortable.
In about 30 seconds, Bailey went from super happy to be going to school, to very unhappy and nervous. She started crying and didn't want to stay. She screamed every time I made a move to leave. The teachers, rather than respond as they usually do, just sort of ignored her. Eventually, I was able to calm her down a bit and leave...but she was still crying as I left. I was too. It was an awful morning.
I came home on a mission and told Kelly that our job that day would be to find a new childcare facility for Bailey and Connor and that she would not be staying there through yet another transition. We went to check out Children's Center for Discovery about 2 hours later.
And we fell in love immediately. The center was full of color, of laughter, of happy children. The differences between our current facility and the other was amazing. We were so impressed by everything we saw. We grilled the teachers, we grilled the director, we took a tour of the facility and then asked more questions.
There were two very important things for us.
1) The teacher that will be Connor's teacher is the same woman that took care of Bailey. She had left Childtime about 5 months ago and gone to Children's Center for Discovery. The opening in the infant room was with her. She is truly an amazing care providor and we absolutely adored her when she cared for Bailey. It made us feel like we were coming home when we realized that Connor would be in her care.
2) Bailey's room is better in every way imaginable. There is a curriculum, the kids are her age, there are 3 teachers as opposed to 1, there are real toys, real circle time, and a true schedule. It's not glorified crowd control.
And equally important, although not the deal-maker, is the price. It will be $115 LESS PER WEEK to send out two children there. LESS!!! That is nearly $500 PER MONTH! Insanity!!!!!!
We got the paperwork and then brought Bailey to visit the next day. Putting aside the normal shyness, she absolutely loved her classroom. She participated in circle time and some free play time. She created a weather chart with the other kids. She looked for us constantly, but that is normal. She is going to absolutely love this class. She really is.
We put down our deposit for both kids and now, their spaces are secure.
Bailey will start on Tuesday, April 14 (the Monday is a holiday for the center) and Connor will start on May 20th (when he is 11 weeks old).
So that is what we've been up to. Kelly is still struggling with yeast infections in and on her nipples and Connor still has a bit in his mouth. But they are starting to get better. There is none of the same pain that existed before. A bit after, but not like it was.
Connor's 4 week appointment was this morning. He weighed in at 9 pounds, 3 ounces...which is 1 pound and 1 ounce MORE than two weeks ago. Seems like the breast feeding is working!!! He was 21 1/2 inches long, which is growth of an inch and half since birth. He is a tall, skinny guy - in the 25th percentile for weight, 50th percentile for height.
Everything else is good. He is normal in all ways that we can tell this early. He had one more hep shot, which sucked. He was sound asleep when it happened, and he did cry in his sleep but just briefly. He didn't wake up and he didn't cry for longer than a minute. It will be much, much worse when he has to have more than one. His little, skinny legs are not nearly as conducive to shots as Bailey's thick, chunky one's were!
Mommy, Momma and big sister are all hanging in there. There are pockets of roughness, but for the most part, we are doing okay.
3/21/2009
Not The End of Days
I prepared for Connor like a person with post traumatic stress syndrom prepares for the reemergence of the original trauma. I was ready for a repeat of what I went through with Bailey - not just in the sense of having an intense child, but on a personal level. I was prepared to get myself through the worst possible scenario, and not screw up either of my children or my marriage.
I was prepared to survive.
What I never, ever expected to have happen would be to thrive. I just didn't expect this.
Bringing Connor into our family has felt like the most natural thing in the world to me. That is not to say that coordinating the logistics have not been difficult. Or that we haven't struggled in moments while we figure out a new baby. But all told, this has been easy. For me.
Connor is such a dream baby. He is calm, easy going and sleeps well. He and his Mommy are muddling through the difficult early stages of breastfeeding, but all in all they are doing a great job. There have been very few moments of difficulty for me - emotionally or physically. I just feel like I have the ability to do this and that it has come so much easier this time.
I wonder if it is because I am not the birth mother. If Kelly were writing this, what would she say diffently? I know that she is struggling right now. We are up against very little sleep and that doesn't work for her. Her emotions are a bit out of whack right now, and that is tough for her. And breast feeding is anything but easy and she is struggling with making it work.
I think her story would be very different.
But I am absolutely delighted to report that the end of days has not come to our house. In fact, the sun is shining and the flowers are blooming.
Thank god.
I was prepared to survive.
What I never, ever expected to have happen would be to thrive. I just didn't expect this.
Bringing Connor into our family has felt like the most natural thing in the world to me. That is not to say that coordinating the logistics have not been difficult. Or that we haven't struggled in moments while we figure out a new baby. But all told, this has been easy. For me.
Connor is such a dream baby. He is calm, easy going and sleeps well. He and his Mommy are muddling through the difficult early stages of breastfeeding, but all in all they are doing a great job. There have been very few moments of difficulty for me - emotionally or physically. I just feel like I have the ability to do this and that it has come so much easier this time.
I wonder if it is because I am not the birth mother. If Kelly were writing this, what would she say diffently? I know that she is struggling right now. We are up against very little sleep and that doesn't work for her. Her emotions are a bit out of whack right now, and that is tough for her. And breast feeding is anything but easy and she is struggling with making it work.
I think her story would be very different.
But I am absolutely delighted to report that the end of days has not come to our house. In fact, the sun is shining and the flowers are blooming.
Thank god.
3/19/2009
Yeast
It is yeast on all fronts - Connor's mouth, Connor's bottom and Kelly's nipples. After two doctor appointments and a ridiculous amount of time fighting with Walgreens (how come the insurance company will cover Connor for his well-baby visits up to 30 days after birth, but won't cover his prescriptions?) , we have what we need to make it all go away.
And just in time too, because Kelly is now yelling out loud every time Connor latches...which is frequently, given that he is 3 weeks old. A fix is on the way, however...and hopefully breast feeding will stop being so eventful.
Another day on maternity leave and not much accomplished. I remember thinking when I was home with Bailey that I didn't understand where the time goes, and I still don't. What the hell do I do? And now that there are two of us doing nothing, how come there are still dishes in my sink? Strange.
I did take a 45 minute bath and read and soaked. That was nice. And luxurious! It's wonderful to do things like that for myself...
The rambling nature of this post means that I really don't have much to say, so I'll end it for now!
And just in time too, because Kelly is now yelling out loud every time Connor latches...which is frequently, given that he is 3 weeks old. A fix is on the way, however...and hopefully breast feeding will stop being so eventful.
Another day on maternity leave and not much accomplished. I remember thinking when I was home with Bailey that I didn't understand where the time goes, and I still don't. What the hell do I do? And now that there are two of us doing nothing, how come there are still dishes in my sink? Strange.
I did take a 45 minute bath and read and soaked. That was nice. And luxurious! It's wonderful to do things like that for myself...
The rambling nature of this post means that I really don't have much to say, so I'll end it for now!
3/18/2009
Better Day
Yesterday was not the best day for us. I'll just leave it at that.
Kelly asked me to return the camcorder and "give" her a session with a lactation consultant instead. I did what she asked. We called Terri, who helped me when I was trying to figure out how to breastfeed. She asked a few pointed questions, leading us right down the road and describing Kelly's symptoms exactly. She then told us, over the phone and for free, that she was certain both Kelly and Connor have yeast infections. Kelly's got bright red rings on her nipples, extreme pain at the start of every feeding, at the end of every feeding and whenever Connor is not feeding. Connor has white stuff on his lips and tongue and patchy red, raised bumps on his bottom, right in that crevis under his scrotum.
Classic. And relatively easy to fix. According to Terri, if we can get them both on medication tomorrow (and we will), she should start feeling better and having pain-free latching by Sunday or Monday.
The relief on Kelly's face when she realized that the problem could be fixed was a beautiful thing. She was considering giving up breastfeeding yesterday and this morning...even though she and Connor have done such an amazing job so far.
So, one problem down. This should have a soothing effect on Kelly, making her feel less horrible and hopefully giving her some relief.
Things with Bailey are getting better. After our horrendous day last Sunday, I spent Monday kicking myself around and barrating myself as a parent and then I spent an hour talking to the director of her childcare center. After that, Kelly and I spent an hour talking about strategies and new ways to approach her.
And so far, so good. It really is as simple as deciding which of my battles I want to force on her and then figuring out a way to back off when she doesn't want to do something my way. I have a two-pronged approach depending on if the event in question has to happen or not.
If it does have to happen (she needs to get dressed to go to school, for instance), then I ask myself, "does this need to happen right this second, or is there some wiggle room?" I there is even 5 minutes of wiggle room, I lay off immediately and let her do things her way. So, if she want to poke about and play, I let her. I force myself to back off and I keep my tone light and playful. As soon as I get stubborn, she gets more stubborn. I always say, "let me know when you are ready..." and inevitably, she is ready within a few minutes. And she is usually extremely cooperative, because she feels like she has chosen to participate. Sometimes, I have to do this multiple times in a 10-minute period. It's almost as if she is testing me, to see if my calm is a front (it is) and if she can crack it (so far, she hasn't).
If the event doesn't need to happen and it's just something that is annoying me (she plays with her food while she eats, combining and smearing it every where), I suck it up and try to distract her. If she can't be distracted, I just put on my big girl panties and stop trying to make it all about me. And THAT is hard. Perhaps, the hardest thing I've done in the last few days.
But, it is also working and that makes me feel great! Bailey and I haven't had one screaming fit in three days. She hasn't hit me. She hasn't run away from me. She hasn't fought me in any crucial moment. She hasn't gotten mad at me and started doing all the things that annoy me all at once. In turn, I have given her the breathing room that she needs and she is thriving.
Such an easy fix...and so freakin' hard to do. It makes me feel absolutely crazy. I hate feeling like I am spending my life bending to the will of a not-even-2-year-old child...but then I remember that I'm a parent. And unfortunately, throwing my own fit just because I can't do it my way is childish. And that infuriates me, but again, I suck it up.
Feels like I'm doing a lot of sucking it up right now. I have a completely unforgiving newborn, a completely unforgiving toddler and a wife in massive transition. I spend a lot of my time biting my tongue, forgetting my needs and taking care of everyone. I also take a least one hour every day to do exactly what I want to do, and I do it without a bit of guilt. This has saved me during this time.
So anyway.
I just purchased two tickets to Maine - one for me and one for Bailey. We are taking a trip over Memorial Day weekend to spend 4 days in my home state and I absolutely can't wait!!!! It's the best thing that has happened to me since...well...since the birth of Connor! LOL
Kelly asked me to return the camcorder and "give" her a session with a lactation consultant instead. I did what she asked. We called Terri, who helped me when I was trying to figure out how to breastfeed. She asked a few pointed questions, leading us right down the road and describing Kelly's symptoms exactly. She then told us, over the phone and for free, that she was certain both Kelly and Connor have yeast infections. Kelly's got bright red rings on her nipples, extreme pain at the start of every feeding, at the end of every feeding and whenever Connor is not feeding. Connor has white stuff on his lips and tongue and patchy red, raised bumps on his bottom, right in that crevis under his scrotum.
Classic. And relatively easy to fix. According to Terri, if we can get them both on medication tomorrow (and we will), she should start feeling better and having pain-free latching by Sunday or Monday.
The relief on Kelly's face when she realized that the problem could be fixed was a beautiful thing. She was considering giving up breastfeeding yesterday and this morning...even though she and Connor have done such an amazing job so far.
So, one problem down. This should have a soothing effect on Kelly, making her feel less horrible and hopefully giving her some relief.
Things with Bailey are getting better. After our horrendous day last Sunday, I spent Monday kicking myself around and barrating myself as a parent and then I spent an hour talking to the director of her childcare center. After that, Kelly and I spent an hour talking about strategies and new ways to approach her.
And so far, so good. It really is as simple as deciding which of my battles I want to force on her and then figuring out a way to back off when she doesn't want to do something my way. I have a two-pronged approach depending on if the event in question has to happen or not.
If it does have to happen (she needs to get dressed to go to school, for instance), then I ask myself, "does this need to happen right this second, or is there some wiggle room?" I there is even 5 minutes of wiggle room, I lay off immediately and let her do things her way. So, if she want to poke about and play, I let her. I force myself to back off and I keep my tone light and playful. As soon as I get stubborn, she gets more stubborn. I always say, "let me know when you are ready..." and inevitably, she is ready within a few minutes. And she is usually extremely cooperative, because she feels like she has chosen to participate. Sometimes, I have to do this multiple times in a 10-minute period. It's almost as if she is testing me, to see if my calm is a front (it is) and if she can crack it (so far, she hasn't).
If the event doesn't need to happen and it's just something that is annoying me (she plays with her food while she eats, combining and smearing it every where), I suck it up and try to distract her. If she can't be distracted, I just put on my big girl panties and stop trying to make it all about me. And THAT is hard. Perhaps, the hardest thing I've done in the last few days.
But, it is also working and that makes me feel great! Bailey and I haven't had one screaming fit in three days. She hasn't hit me. She hasn't run away from me. She hasn't fought me in any crucial moment. She hasn't gotten mad at me and started doing all the things that annoy me all at once. In turn, I have given her the breathing room that she needs and she is thriving.
Such an easy fix...and so freakin' hard to do. It makes me feel absolutely crazy. I hate feeling like I am spending my life bending to the will of a not-even-2-year-old child...but then I remember that I'm a parent. And unfortunately, throwing my own fit just because I can't do it my way is childish. And that infuriates me, but again, I suck it up.
Feels like I'm doing a lot of sucking it up right now. I have a completely unforgiving newborn, a completely unforgiving toddler and a wife in massive transition. I spend a lot of my time biting my tongue, forgetting my needs and taking care of everyone. I also take a least one hour every day to do exactly what I want to do, and I do it without a bit of guilt. This has saved me during this time.
So anyway.
I just purchased two tickets to Maine - one for me and one for Bailey. We are taking a trip over Memorial Day weekend to spend 4 days in my home state and I absolutely can't wait!!!! It's the best thing that has happened to me since...well...since the birth of Connor! LOL
3/17/2009
Hot and Cold
The Hot:
- Today is Kelly's 34th birthday. We celebrated this morning with homemade waffles and presents.
- Today is St. Patty's day and we celebrated by adding green food coloring to the waffle mix and enjoying green waffles.
- I went to my office for lunch today, and had a truly wonderful time showing Connor off and enjoying the time with the people who I work for and who are my friends.
- Today was day two of not fighting back with Bailey and the second night of not fighting the entire evening (more on that at a later post).
- My boss approved my new schedule of 7:00 AM - 3:30 PM every day upon my return to the office.
The Cold:
- Kelly had baby blues pretty bad, making her incredibly indifferent and non-responsive when she is not crying or feeling bad. This sucks for her mostly and for the rest of us too. Mostly for her. And that makes me feel really bad.
- The disinterest made my $200 camcorder birthday gift fall flat and dull and I'm returning it tomorrow. That is too much money to spend on something she doesn't really want.
- I'm tired and suffering from a bit of PTSD in response to Kelly's baby blues. That kind of mood spirals me back to my experience and it's really hard.
Blah. Fuck it. I'll write more later.
- Today is Kelly's 34th birthday. We celebrated this morning with homemade waffles and presents.
- Today is St. Patty's day and we celebrated by adding green food coloring to the waffle mix and enjoying green waffles.
- I went to my office for lunch today, and had a truly wonderful time showing Connor off and enjoying the time with the people who I work for and who are my friends.
- Today was day two of not fighting back with Bailey and the second night of not fighting the entire evening (more on that at a later post).
- My boss approved my new schedule of 7:00 AM - 3:30 PM every day upon my return to the office.
The Cold:
- Kelly had baby blues pretty bad, making her incredibly indifferent and non-responsive when she is not crying or feeling bad. This sucks for her mostly and for the rest of us too. Mostly for her. And that makes me feel really bad.
- The disinterest made my $200 camcorder birthday gift fall flat and dull and I'm returning it tomorrow. That is too much money to spend on something she doesn't really want.
- I'm tired and suffering from a bit of PTSD in response to Kelly's baby blues. That kind of mood spirals me back to my experience and it's really hard.
Blah. Fuck it. I'll write more later.
3/16/2009
The One You Don't Invite Back
Yesterday, Kelly and I made the mistake of thinking that it might be acceptable to go out and visit some friends, have some adult time, show off Connor and meet our dear frend's new little baby, all while having the joy of hanging out with our other dear friends M&S and their son.
We thought that would be okay...but alas...Bailey had other plans.
Bailey was the epitome of THAT kid. You know, the one that runs all over the place like a crazy person, who destroys whatever comes in her path, who fights at every opportunity, who ignores what you say and generally creates craziness and insanity where ever she goes. Yea. She was THAT kid.
The one you don't invite back.
It sucked. It was embarrassing. It made us feel like rotten parents and led to an entire late-night conversation about what we were doing wrong and how we can be a better parent to our high spirited, fucking insane child. And you know, anything that causes us to stay awake when Connor is sleeping MUST be important.
This morning, she woke up at 6:30 and by 7:45 when I dropped her off at daycare, there were 14 open acts of defiance, including throwing herself to the rain-soaked ground and screaming and kicking when I tried to put her in the car.
I'm at the end of my rope with her, and trying like hell to hold on. The fact that she is not even two yet makes me die a little inside.
So, M&S and I&A, we're sorry that our terror reeked havoc on your lives for a couple of hours yesterday. And while I fully expect that, in your good friendness, you will tell us that it doesn't matter and that she was fine, we know differently. Thanks for putting up with her insanity and next time, we'll bring the straight jacket. If you invite us back.
We thought that would be okay...but alas...Bailey had other plans.
Bailey was the epitome of THAT kid. You know, the one that runs all over the place like a crazy person, who destroys whatever comes in her path, who fights at every opportunity, who ignores what you say and generally creates craziness and insanity where ever she goes. Yea. She was THAT kid.
The one you don't invite back.
It sucked. It was embarrassing. It made us feel like rotten parents and led to an entire late-night conversation about what we were doing wrong and how we can be a better parent to our high spirited, fucking insane child. And you know, anything that causes us to stay awake when Connor is sleeping MUST be important.
This morning, she woke up at 6:30 and by 7:45 when I dropped her off at daycare, there were 14 open acts of defiance, including throwing herself to the rain-soaked ground and screaming and kicking when I tried to put her in the car.
I'm at the end of my rope with her, and trying like hell to hold on. The fact that she is not even two yet makes me die a little inside.
So, M&S and I&A, we're sorry that our terror reeked havoc on your lives for a couple of hours yesterday. And while I fully expect that, in your good friendness, you will tell us that it doesn't matter and that she was fine, we know differently. Thanks for putting up with her insanity and next time, we'll bring the straight jacket. If you invite us back.
3/13/2009
The Future
I find myself contemplating "the future" a lot these days. This is very different than how it was when Bailey was 2 1/2 weeks old.
I have made no secret that Bailey's early days were the hardest days I have ever lived through. They were so hard that I can't go back to them in my mind very often. The guilt that I have associated and the fear and the exhaustion and the confusion make it too difficult. I got beyond it, as a woman and as a mother...but it was hard. That journey was one that I never hope to repeat. And it is the full reason that I chose not to carry another child. Now, Kelly chose to carry Connor for many reasons...but my reason for not doing it was fear of feeling that way again.
Being the "other mother" has been a very, very different experience for me. It started from a place of skepticism. I must admit that I had no idea how to be the other mother. In many ways it was like starting over again - as if I had never had a child before. Connor was foreign to me. It was odd to see this little person that I had been waiting for for so long, but who I had no knowledge of (either actual or intuitive). I knew the "things" to do to care for a child, but not how those things applied to Connor.
It was equally odd for me to see Kelly approach him so naturally. This did not surprise me, but it was odd. For a number of reasons, she has been so much more comfortable with him and his care than she ever was with Bailey. She has said that this is because she had already had a child and was just more comfortable and I would never disagree. But it is more than that, of course. She carried and birthed this child. She is more comfortable with him because he is HERS in a very, very different way than Bailey was. Not in her heart - but in her physical being.
But now, we have found our rhythm. There is a definate change in how I feel about Connor. He has become my child as completely as Bailey has ever been. What I expected to be a long process of learning him and falling in love with him happened very quickly. He knows me in a way that I didn't expect. I am the person who can always get him to sleep. He is completely relaxed with me. The only time that I don't work for him is when he is hungry and that makes sense. His "milk lady" is the only person he wants then.
So, any way, back to the original topic of my post. "The Future". I think of it in those terms. When Bailey was born, we knew that we had another infant to be born. Of course, we didn't know the time line or how it would play out. But we did know that eventually we would have another child and that the process would start all over. That had a bit of an inhibiting quality - we couldn't really think past the "having babies" phase of our life. This time, though, we know that we are not going to have any more children.
We are all done. 2 children is what we always dreamed of having and given that both of us had less than easy pregnancies and birth experiences, we are finished. Kelly will be 34 in a couple of days and by the time we were ready for a 3rd, she would be too old (I say that laughing) to carry. And I won't carry another child. So this is it for us. And THAT makes thinking about the future something different than it was with Bailey.
Suddenly, when I look at Bailey and Connor, I can see them at 4 and 6, super excited about Christmas. I can see us going camping with our kids, roasting marshmallows and going canoeing. I can envision a time when Kelly and I might actually leave them with someone overnight and spend some time alone. I see them on the playground, together, without us chasing after them. I can imagine a world without diapers. I can see them starting school, and I can see beyond all this work.
It's such an amazing thing. It's so different to see beyond this initial phase. It don't feel nearly as overwhelmed by it. I look at Connor's tiny fingers and then see Bailey's in the back of my head. I know that he will grow, that he will change. I believe that he will sleep through the night at some point and that he will need us less and less (or maybe just differently) in just a few short months. I can imagine my relationship with Kelly coming back to a point where we are both happier and more focused on each other.
I guess what I'm suggesting is that there is much less fatality and much more hope this time around. Maybe that is because I'm not post partum. Maybe it's because I have seen that I can survive early babyhood. Maybe it's because Connor is a much, much, much less intense child. Maybe it's all three and a million of other things I can't put my finger on.
I have made no secret that Bailey's early days were the hardest days I have ever lived through. They were so hard that I can't go back to them in my mind very often. The guilt that I have associated and the fear and the exhaustion and the confusion make it too difficult. I got beyond it, as a woman and as a mother...but it was hard. That journey was one that I never hope to repeat. And it is the full reason that I chose not to carry another child. Now, Kelly chose to carry Connor for many reasons...but my reason for not doing it was fear of feeling that way again.
Being the "other mother" has been a very, very different experience for me. It started from a place of skepticism. I must admit that I had no idea how to be the other mother. In many ways it was like starting over again - as if I had never had a child before. Connor was foreign to me. It was odd to see this little person that I had been waiting for for so long, but who I had no knowledge of (either actual or intuitive). I knew the "things" to do to care for a child, but not how those things applied to Connor.
It was equally odd for me to see Kelly approach him so naturally. This did not surprise me, but it was odd. For a number of reasons, she has been so much more comfortable with him and his care than she ever was with Bailey. She has said that this is because she had already had a child and was just more comfortable and I would never disagree. But it is more than that, of course. She carried and birthed this child. She is more comfortable with him because he is HERS in a very, very different way than Bailey was. Not in her heart - but in her physical being.
But now, we have found our rhythm. There is a definate change in how I feel about Connor. He has become my child as completely as Bailey has ever been. What I expected to be a long process of learning him and falling in love with him happened very quickly. He knows me in a way that I didn't expect. I am the person who can always get him to sleep. He is completely relaxed with me. The only time that I don't work for him is when he is hungry and that makes sense. His "milk lady" is the only person he wants then.
So, any way, back to the original topic of my post. "The Future". I think of it in those terms. When Bailey was born, we knew that we had another infant to be born. Of course, we didn't know the time line or how it would play out. But we did know that eventually we would have another child and that the process would start all over. That had a bit of an inhibiting quality - we couldn't really think past the "having babies" phase of our life. This time, though, we know that we are not going to have any more children.
We are all done. 2 children is what we always dreamed of having and given that both of us had less than easy pregnancies and birth experiences, we are finished. Kelly will be 34 in a couple of days and by the time we were ready for a 3rd, she would be too old (I say that laughing) to carry. And I won't carry another child. So this is it for us. And THAT makes thinking about the future something different than it was with Bailey.
Suddenly, when I look at Bailey and Connor, I can see them at 4 and 6, super excited about Christmas. I can see us going camping with our kids, roasting marshmallows and going canoeing. I can envision a time when Kelly and I might actually leave them with someone overnight and spend some time alone. I see them on the playground, together, without us chasing after them. I can imagine a world without diapers. I can see them starting school, and I can see beyond all this work.
It's such an amazing thing. It's so different to see beyond this initial phase. It don't feel nearly as overwhelmed by it. I look at Connor's tiny fingers and then see Bailey's in the back of my head. I know that he will grow, that he will change. I believe that he will sleep through the night at some point and that he will need us less and less (or maybe just differently) in just a few short months. I can imagine my relationship with Kelly coming back to a point where we are both happier and more focused on each other.
I guess what I'm suggesting is that there is much less fatality and much more hope this time around. Maybe that is because I'm not post partum. Maybe it's because I have seen that I can survive early babyhood. Maybe it's because Connor is a much, much, much less intense child. Maybe it's all three and a million of other things I can't put my finger on.
3/11/2009
Getting On
We are doing alright. We have hit the beginning of the wall, I think. You know, that point where everyone is exhausted, all the fun has worn off and the real work begins. Yea. That point.
Bailey has pretty much stopped sleeping. I'm not sure how one toddler goes forward with her day without sleeping, but she's managed it now for about 5 days. She's barely eating as well, no matter what of her favorite foods I ply her with. What she is doing is screaming for her bobo every five minutes, asking for chocolate cookies and clinging like a bad hemroid to me.
Connor is moving out of perfect, sleepy, newborn phase and into relatively calm baby phase. He is eating a lot and when he is not eating he is wanting to pacify on his Mommy's breast. She is tired of it, but committed and so we go forward.
Kelly and I are managing about 4-6 hours of sleep a night, depending on the way their waking periods coincide. It's not enough for either of us. Of course, it's not complete sleep - it's broken up every hour or two by a child or medication. So far, we have not gotten ridiculously grumpy with one another. We are hanging in there. We both know the dangers of turning on each other. So we are not.
We are all tired. We are all sick of the transition and seeking a new normal. Of course, that will take some time. We've been here before and we know how long it takes. It's just a matter of holding on until the normal emerges.
But boy, we are tired in the meantime.
Bailey has pretty much stopped sleeping. I'm not sure how one toddler goes forward with her day without sleeping, but she's managed it now for about 5 days. She's barely eating as well, no matter what of her favorite foods I ply her with. What she is doing is screaming for her bobo every five minutes, asking for chocolate cookies and clinging like a bad hemroid to me.
Connor is moving out of perfect, sleepy, newborn phase and into relatively calm baby phase. He is eating a lot and when he is not eating he is wanting to pacify on his Mommy's breast. She is tired of it, but committed and so we go forward.
Kelly and I are managing about 4-6 hours of sleep a night, depending on the way their waking periods coincide. It's not enough for either of us. Of course, it's not complete sleep - it's broken up every hour or two by a child or medication. So far, we have not gotten ridiculously grumpy with one another. We are hanging in there. We both know the dangers of turning on each other. So we are not.
We are all tired. We are all sick of the transition and seeking a new normal. Of course, that will take some time. We've been here before and we know how long it takes. It's just a matter of holding on until the normal emerges.
But boy, we are tired in the meantime.
3/09/2009
2 Weeks
Two weeks ago, we were in some pretty significant labor and being told that we would probably deliver vaginally within a couple of hours. LOL
There is a lot going on in my head, none of it appropriate to post. Since I can't ignore the pink elephant in the middle of the room, I'm going to make this one short. I can't share what is really going on, because it's not fair. So, I'll leave it at that.
Bailey is in full-blown transition mode. She is whiny, clingy, demanding and all over extremely difficult to take right now. She wants me 100% of the time and when my attention is diverted for even a few minutes, all hell breaks loose in her world. I'm exhausted by it and so thankful that she is going to daycare this morning. I honestly, have no idea how people do it who stay at home. I would, literally, lose it. In all honesty, I would probably leave. I just could not do it. If I'm ever forced to, I don't know how I am going to get it done. But anyway.
I love our daughter, more than I have words for. But I can't wait to drop her off this morning. I really can't.
Everything else is just peachy. More later when I am over this funk.
There is a lot going on in my head, none of it appropriate to post. Since I can't ignore the pink elephant in the middle of the room, I'm going to make this one short. I can't share what is really going on, because it's not fair. So, I'll leave it at that.
Bailey is in full-blown transition mode. She is whiny, clingy, demanding and all over extremely difficult to take right now. She wants me 100% of the time and when my attention is diverted for even a few minutes, all hell breaks loose in her world. I'm exhausted by it and so thankful that she is going to daycare this morning. I honestly, have no idea how people do it who stay at home. I would, literally, lose it. In all honesty, I would probably leave. I just could not do it. If I'm ever forced to, I don't know how I am going to get it done. But anyway.
I love our daughter, more than I have words for. But I can't wait to drop her off this morning. I really can't.
Everything else is just peachy. More later when I am over this funk.
3/07/2009
Almost Two Weeks
I realized today that in my desire to get the birth story written, I haven't posted anything about us or our transition to parenting two children. Silly me...or probably more appropriately...very tired me!
First - Connor is just a dream baby. He sleeps 4-5 hour stretches at night, waking to feed and then going right back down for another 3-4 hour stretch. He isn't at all finicky about his environment. He is in our room and will sleep just fine with the light on, the tv on and us talking. Doesn't phase him in the slightest.
He is breast feeding. After being relatively certain that she wouldn't, Kelly decided that she wanted to breastfeed and has had a very successful time of it. In the beginning, we suplemented with formula (for various reasons), but cut the formula completely out when we got home and Kelly's milk came in. Now, Connor feeds at the brest 95% of the time and bottle feeds pumped breast milk the rest of the time. Kelly is a milk goddess - pumping 3-5 ounces every 4 hours or so. Connor is getting plenty to eat! We haven't saved any yet, because we are trying to regulate Kelly's supply down a bit to more match his consumption. I'm not sure how long we will continue to breast feed, and shortly we will begin to freeze some for returning to work. But for now, we are just pumping what we will feed at the next feeding.
Connor is a little guy, which is a bit strange for us. Bailey was born into size 1 diapers and moved into size 2 diapers within a month. Connor is still in newborn diapers and they are just now fitting perfectly. We have relatively few clothes that actually fit him, even though we have a big supply of newborn clothes. They are just big on him. His little legs are like twigs. Bailey's were very juicy - we 3 rolls in her upper thigh and big juicy rolls on her ankles. Connor is completely different. He's just a tiny little thing.
Bailey is doing alright with the big sister thing. She adores Connor...but isn't so happy when my time gets taken away from her. If there has been a transition thing, it's been that she is much more clingy and whiny. She wants her bobo all the time and throws huge fits when I refuse. Kelly is just now integrating back into the family after the beginning of her recovery. She can finally walk and sit comfortably. Her presence is taking some of the heat of me. It's much easier on Bailey when our ratio is 1-1. I spend lots of time holding Connor when Bailey is around and so far, she is doing fine with that. I think it helps that she is still in daycare and that her routine hasn't been completely disrupted.
As for Kelly, she is doing well. It has been a long two weeks for her (on the heels of a long 3rd trimester). She is finally starting to feel "normal". Her staples are out and she is down to taking percocet every 6 hours, with 800 mg motrin alternating. She is, of course, unable to lift Bailey still (and will be unable for a long time), but she is really starting to feel a lot better.
I'm doing well too. I think that I am exhausted, but I don't really feel it. I just kind of feel like the energizer bunny. There are a million things to do and sometimes I force myself to stop doing them and take a nap. I'm so glad that I'm home right now...because I don't know what I would do if I had to work. I am looking forward to going back...but so appreciative of this time.
Speaking of napping...I got about 3 hours of sleep last night between Bailey sleeping poorly, my mom leaving at 2 AM and Connor awake in between all of that. So, I'm off to take a nap! I'll write more later...
First - Connor is just a dream baby. He sleeps 4-5 hour stretches at night, waking to feed and then going right back down for another 3-4 hour stretch. He isn't at all finicky about his environment. He is in our room and will sleep just fine with the light on, the tv on and us talking. Doesn't phase him in the slightest.
He is breast feeding. After being relatively certain that she wouldn't, Kelly decided that she wanted to breastfeed and has had a very successful time of it. In the beginning, we suplemented with formula (for various reasons), but cut the formula completely out when we got home and Kelly's milk came in. Now, Connor feeds at the brest 95% of the time and bottle feeds pumped breast milk the rest of the time. Kelly is a milk goddess - pumping 3-5 ounces every 4 hours or so. Connor is getting plenty to eat! We haven't saved any yet, because we are trying to regulate Kelly's supply down a bit to more match his consumption. I'm not sure how long we will continue to breast feed, and shortly we will begin to freeze some for returning to work. But for now, we are just pumping what we will feed at the next feeding.
Connor is a little guy, which is a bit strange for us. Bailey was born into size 1 diapers and moved into size 2 diapers within a month. Connor is still in newborn diapers and they are just now fitting perfectly. We have relatively few clothes that actually fit him, even though we have a big supply of newborn clothes. They are just big on him. His little legs are like twigs. Bailey's were very juicy - we 3 rolls in her upper thigh and big juicy rolls on her ankles. Connor is completely different. He's just a tiny little thing.
Bailey is doing alright with the big sister thing. She adores Connor...but isn't so happy when my time gets taken away from her. If there has been a transition thing, it's been that she is much more clingy and whiny. She wants her bobo all the time and throws huge fits when I refuse. Kelly is just now integrating back into the family after the beginning of her recovery. She can finally walk and sit comfortably. Her presence is taking some of the heat of me. It's much easier on Bailey when our ratio is 1-1. I spend lots of time holding Connor when Bailey is around and so far, she is doing fine with that. I think it helps that she is still in daycare and that her routine hasn't been completely disrupted.
As for Kelly, she is doing well. It has been a long two weeks for her (on the heels of a long 3rd trimester). She is finally starting to feel "normal". Her staples are out and she is down to taking percocet every 6 hours, with 800 mg motrin alternating. She is, of course, unable to lift Bailey still (and will be unable for a long time), but she is really starting to feel a lot better.
I'm doing well too. I think that I am exhausted, but I don't really feel it. I just kind of feel like the energizer bunny. There are a million things to do and sometimes I force myself to stop doing them and take a nap. I'm so glad that I'm home right now...because I don't know what I would do if I had to work. I am looking forward to going back...but so appreciative of this time.
Speaking of napping...I got about 3 hours of sleep last night between Bailey sleeping poorly, my mom leaving at 2 AM and Connor awake in between all of that. So, I'm off to take a nap! I'll write more later...
3/04/2009
The Birth Story Final Chapter
Pushing began at around 4:45 PM. I held one leg, while Kelly's Mom held the other. The first few pushes, my coaching was assisted by the nurse, but after that I got my groove and I counted for Kelly. Kelly pushed 3 times with a count to 10 each push per contractions. They were coming ever minute or so. The pressure was unbelievable for her. Every time another would come, she would grab her knees, pull back and push. I would pull one leg back, Sherry would pull the other, I would support her neck as she pushed it into her chest and start the count. She would breath once in between pushes and come right back into it.
Meanwhile, Cathy (our fantastic nurse) was opening and stretching Kelly. She was massaging her open, pushing her fingers down and giving Kelly a place to push toward. She would urge Kelly to push harder and when Kelly did, she would tell her so that Kelly would know how hard to be pushing. At one point, she opened up a container of mineral oil and began pouring it inside Kelly. She used this to keep stretching her further and further.
I do not remember many details of this because my entire focus was on Kelly. I glanced down a couple of times to see what the nurse was doing, and I remember lots of blood. I also remember thinking that they were really, really working her. But for the most part, I was focused entirely on Kelly. Breathing with her, watching her face to anticipate her contractions, making sure that she was resting between contractions, lightly touching her to relax her when I could. My voice was her guide and I wasn't so much worried about her vagina or the baby being born from it. I was focused entirely on my wife and the work she was doing.
Time passed strangely through this period. The doctor came in a couple of times and switched places with the nurse. She was feeling for Kelly's progress. After an hour, the intensity picked up. Connor wasn't really coming down as he should be, even though Kelly was pushing perfectly and with the right intensity. Dr. Riley gave us another half hour and the work continued.
When she came back, Kelly had made some very good progress. The capet (the pushed up skin from his skull) was crowning and you could see the hair on his head every time she pushed. When she was done pushing, you could still see it, but it receeded it a bit. Dr. Riley was impressed enough by the progress and encouraged by the fact that Connor was tolerating a long labor well, so she allowed us to continue pushing. We know now that she had already started the process of planning the c-section. But we'll get to that.
After another half hour of pushing, she came back. Connor was inching, very, very slowly down. We had reached the point where it was very unlikely that Connor was going to be born vaginally. There were a number of factors. The first is that Kelly, like her mother and sister, has a very narrow pelvis. Connor was, literally, stuck. The second factor was that Connor had is head slightly tilted, making the head bigger. The third was that Kelly was very, very tired at this point. We all were, but nobody more so than Kelly. She had been in latent labor for a week, active labor for 29 hours and pushing for 2. She had not slept in about 48 hours. She was absolutely exhausted.
The final straw was that Connor's heartrate began to fluxuate in dangerous ways. It didn't take long for Dr. Riley to tell us all of this and for us to agree that a c-section was the way to go. I stepped in and made this call, although Kelly agreed with me. Honestely, she was in too much pain to not agree.
They told her to stop pushing. The problem with not pushing when you have a baby, literally, stuck in your birth canal is that it hurts much, much worse to not push. Pushing relieves the pressure of the baby's head. Asking a woman in Kelly's situation to not push is very, very difficult. Kelly was literally coming up off the table at every contraction, and there was very little that we could do for her. I stood by her side, but she didn't want to be touched. She was out of her mind with pain.
The anestigiolosit was in the room within 5 minutes of making the call for a c-section. Kelly already had the epidural (it was rendered mostly ineffective at this point, but it was still in place) so all he had to do was get the medication ramped up and get her numb for the surgery. He started the injection and everything got very clinical. The nurses began to prepare. Sherry was asked to leave, as she would not be in the operating room with us. I was pushed to the side and told that I would be given instructions when they had Kelly prepared. The medication began to take some effect and they wheeled her away. Our room was right next door to the OR, so within minutes, she was wheeled in and I was left to wait.
I was given scrubs and told to put them on and stand by the door to wait. They needed to prep her and then they would come and get me. I got dressed very quickly and tried not to panick. God, it was so hard to have her wheeled away from me. So fucking hard.
It seemed like it took forever, although, I know that it didn't. They entered the OR at 7:03 PM.
After what felt like an eternity, I saw another doctor getting ready. She introduced herself as the pediatrician who would catch and care for Connor. I was so worried that I could barely acknowledge her. She didn't seem to mind. Finally, they told me it was time to come in.
If you've never been in a c-section room before, you won't understand when I say that it looked like my wife was this tiny speck in the middle of medical gear and people. I walked in and saw her laying there, all hooked up and surrounded by blue, steril paper and doctors and my first thought was that this was the woman who moments ago was blowing my mind as she worked to push our child from her body. Now, both of their lives were in the hands of the medical team. I have never felt so helpless in my life.
I reached her side and the surgery began. I stayed close to her, but we didn't talk much. She said she was a bit nauseated, but didn't say much more.
The tone in the room changed and I looked up just in time to see Connor born at 7:20 PM. He was pulled with his face toward me. I remember thinking that he looked very, very blue. He was very limp and blue. And he didn't cry. I watched and he finally made a very weak cry as they began to suction him. They transferred him to the warmer in the corner as they began to put my wife back together.
Connor barely cried in the OR. The few cries that came from him were very wet and rattly. They were weak. They doctors were working very hard on him. I kept standing up to look and saw that they had oxegyn on him at one point. Finally we couldn't stand it. I called out, asking if he was okay. I got the stock answer that he was fine, but having a bit of trouble breathing. We continued to wait for more information. This part seemed to go on and on and on. Finally, I asked Dr. Riley directly - I said, "Dr. Riley, is everything okay? I mean, is he struggling in the usual way that a c-section baby struggles or are his problems bigger?" She told me that he seemed to be having normal issues and that the problems didn't sound bigger. Of course, what did she know? She was busy putting my wife together, not tending to Connor.
They finally brought him over to us to see. We were able to kiss him for about 30 seconds. I took 2 pictures. They told us that he was going to the nursey. I asked if I could come and they told me no. They also told me that I would need to leave the OR as well. Leaving the OR was standard.
They escorted me back to the recovery room. I took of my scrubs and sat there. I don't remember how long I sat there. I remember looking around this very bright room, being completely alone, and thinking that my entire life was being worked on by two teams of doctors. The room where they should have been tending to Connor had he been born vaginally, stood empty. The remains of hours of labor were still there- the cup with ice chips. My cold cup of coffee. A few tissues. The rest of the room was empty and quiet and I was terrified.
I did what I always do when I'm scared. I tidied. I cleaned. I waited. Eventually, I did everything I could do and I just sat in the chair and stared at the door, waiting for them to bring my wife back to me or for a doctor to come and tell me the status of Connor.
Finally, they brought Kelly in. She was very out of it, as I was after my c-section. She seemed shocked to see me there. She wanted to know why I wasn't with Connor. I told her that they wouldn't let me go to the nursery with him. I didn't know his weight or lenghth. We were just waiting.
We waited for a while before the doctor finally came in and told us what was going on. Connor had a lot of trouble breathing when he was born and they had to get his oxegyn back up. They had him under a hood. They were monitoring his heart rate, his temperture, his blood sugars. They told us that it would be a while before we could see him - they couldn't bring him back to us. She was able to tell us that he was 8 pounds, 1.5 ounces at birth. She had not had a chance to check his length yet. She indicated that I could come to the nursery whenever I wanted to see him. I, of course, went immediately.
Connor was beautiful when I saw him, although it was odd to see him under a hood. He was pink and rosy, though, and didn't look like he was having problems. He was just getting a bit of oxegyn. I was very reassured after seeing him and returned to Kelly to report.
By this time, they were getting ready to move us to the post-partum unit and out of recovery. After the move, we continued to wait. I went back and forth between our room and the nursery to see Connor. He was doing well, but they needed to see some specific signs before they released him to our room.
Finally, at around 1 AM - 6 hours after he was born, they brought him to us and Kelly was able to hold him and get to know him. Connor was fine - his earlier struggles had been completely resolved and there didn't seem to be any lasting issues.
Finally, we had our baby.
Meanwhile, Cathy (our fantastic nurse) was opening and stretching Kelly. She was massaging her open, pushing her fingers down and giving Kelly a place to push toward. She would urge Kelly to push harder and when Kelly did, she would tell her so that Kelly would know how hard to be pushing. At one point, she opened up a container of mineral oil and began pouring it inside Kelly. She used this to keep stretching her further and further.
I do not remember many details of this because my entire focus was on Kelly. I glanced down a couple of times to see what the nurse was doing, and I remember lots of blood. I also remember thinking that they were really, really working her. But for the most part, I was focused entirely on Kelly. Breathing with her, watching her face to anticipate her contractions, making sure that she was resting between contractions, lightly touching her to relax her when I could. My voice was her guide and I wasn't so much worried about her vagina or the baby being born from it. I was focused entirely on my wife and the work she was doing.
Time passed strangely through this period. The doctor came in a couple of times and switched places with the nurse. She was feeling for Kelly's progress. After an hour, the intensity picked up. Connor wasn't really coming down as he should be, even though Kelly was pushing perfectly and with the right intensity. Dr. Riley gave us another half hour and the work continued.
When she came back, Kelly had made some very good progress. The capet (the pushed up skin from his skull) was crowning and you could see the hair on his head every time she pushed. When she was done pushing, you could still see it, but it receeded it a bit. Dr. Riley was impressed enough by the progress and encouraged by the fact that Connor was tolerating a long labor well, so she allowed us to continue pushing. We know now that she had already started the process of planning the c-section. But we'll get to that.
After another half hour of pushing, she came back. Connor was inching, very, very slowly down. We had reached the point where it was very unlikely that Connor was going to be born vaginally. There were a number of factors. The first is that Kelly, like her mother and sister, has a very narrow pelvis. Connor was, literally, stuck. The second factor was that Connor had is head slightly tilted, making the head bigger. The third was that Kelly was very, very tired at this point. We all were, but nobody more so than Kelly. She had been in latent labor for a week, active labor for 29 hours and pushing for 2. She had not slept in about 48 hours. She was absolutely exhausted.
The final straw was that Connor's heartrate began to fluxuate in dangerous ways. It didn't take long for Dr. Riley to tell us all of this and for us to agree that a c-section was the way to go. I stepped in and made this call, although Kelly agreed with me. Honestely, she was in too much pain to not agree.
They told her to stop pushing. The problem with not pushing when you have a baby, literally, stuck in your birth canal is that it hurts much, much worse to not push. Pushing relieves the pressure of the baby's head. Asking a woman in Kelly's situation to not push is very, very difficult. Kelly was literally coming up off the table at every contraction, and there was very little that we could do for her. I stood by her side, but she didn't want to be touched. She was out of her mind with pain.
The anestigiolosit was in the room within 5 minutes of making the call for a c-section. Kelly already had the epidural (it was rendered mostly ineffective at this point, but it was still in place) so all he had to do was get the medication ramped up and get her numb for the surgery. He started the injection and everything got very clinical. The nurses began to prepare. Sherry was asked to leave, as she would not be in the operating room with us. I was pushed to the side and told that I would be given instructions when they had Kelly prepared. The medication began to take some effect and they wheeled her away. Our room was right next door to the OR, so within minutes, she was wheeled in and I was left to wait.
I was given scrubs and told to put them on and stand by the door to wait. They needed to prep her and then they would come and get me. I got dressed very quickly and tried not to panick. God, it was so hard to have her wheeled away from me. So fucking hard.
It seemed like it took forever, although, I know that it didn't. They entered the OR at 7:03 PM.
After what felt like an eternity, I saw another doctor getting ready. She introduced herself as the pediatrician who would catch and care for Connor. I was so worried that I could barely acknowledge her. She didn't seem to mind. Finally, they told me it was time to come in.
If you've never been in a c-section room before, you won't understand when I say that it looked like my wife was this tiny speck in the middle of medical gear and people. I walked in and saw her laying there, all hooked up and surrounded by blue, steril paper and doctors and my first thought was that this was the woman who moments ago was blowing my mind as she worked to push our child from her body. Now, both of their lives were in the hands of the medical team. I have never felt so helpless in my life.
I reached her side and the surgery began. I stayed close to her, but we didn't talk much. She said she was a bit nauseated, but didn't say much more.
The tone in the room changed and I looked up just in time to see Connor born at 7:20 PM. He was pulled with his face toward me. I remember thinking that he looked very, very blue. He was very limp and blue. And he didn't cry. I watched and he finally made a very weak cry as they began to suction him. They transferred him to the warmer in the corner as they began to put my wife back together.
Connor barely cried in the OR. The few cries that came from him were very wet and rattly. They were weak. They doctors were working very hard on him. I kept standing up to look and saw that they had oxegyn on him at one point. Finally we couldn't stand it. I called out, asking if he was okay. I got the stock answer that he was fine, but having a bit of trouble breathing. We continued to wait for more information. This part seemed to go on and on and on. Finally, I asked Dr. Riley directly - I said, "Dr. Riley, is everything okay? I mean, is he struggling in the usual way that a c-section baby struggles or are his problems bigger?" She told me that he seemed to be having normal issues and that the problems didn't sound bigger. Of course, what did she know? She was busy putting my wife together, not tending to Connor.
They finally brought him over to us to see. We were able to kiss him for about 30 seconds. I took 2 pictures. They told us that he was going to the nursey. I asked if I could come and they told me no. They also told me that I would need to leave the OR as well. Leaving the OR was standard.
They escorted me back to the recovery room. I took of my scrubs and sat there. I don't remember how long I sat there. I remember looking around this very bright room, being completely alone, and thinking that my entire life was being worked on by two teams of doctors. The room where they should have been tending to Connor had he been born vaginally, stood empty. The remains of hours of labor were still there- the cup with ice chips. My cold cup of coffee. A few tissues. The rest of the room was empty and quiet and I was terrified.
I did what I always do when I'm scared. I tidied. I cleaned. I waited. Eventually, I did everything I could do and I just sat in the chair and stared at the door, waiting for them to bring my wife back to me or for a doctor to come and tell me the status of Connor.
Finally, they brought Kelly in. She was very out of it, as I was after my c-section. She seemed shocked to see me there. She wanted to know why I wasn't with Connor. I told her that they wouldn't let me go to the nursery with him. I didn't know his weight or lenghth. We were just waiting.
We waited for a while before the doctor finally came in and told us what was going on. Connor had a lot of trouble breathing when he was born and they had to get his oxegyn back up. They had him under a hood. They were monitoring his heart rate, his temperture, his blood sugars. They told us that it would be a while before we could see him - they couldn't bring him back to us. She was able to tell us that he was 8 pounds, 1.5 ounces at birth. She had not had a chance to check his length yet. She indicated that I could come to the nursery whenever I wanted to see him. I, of course, went immediately.
Connor was beautiful when I saw him, although it was odd to see him under a hood. He was pink and rosy, though, and didn't look like he was having problems. He was just getting a bit of oxegyn. I was very reassured after seeing him and returned to Kelly to report.
By this time, they were getting ready to move us to the post-partum unit and out of recovery. After the move, we continued to wait. I went back and forth between our room and the nursery to see Connor. He was doing well, but they needed to see some specific signs before they released him to our room.
Finally, at around 1 AM - 6 hours after he was born, they brought him to us and Kelly was able to hold him and get to know him. Connor was fine - his earlier struggles had been completely resolved and there didn't seem to be any lasting issues.
Finally, we had our baby.
3/03/2009
The Birth Story Part 3
We arrived at the hospital around 2:30 in the morning. Kelly was quickly ushered into a room and given her gown. She gladly took off her clothes - they were seriously annoying her every time a contraction would hit - and got on the table. The nurse came back in to do our first check and to get us hooked up to the monitors.
The nurse was pretty rough with Kelly and when she entered her to check her, Kelly tensed up a lot. The nurse wasn't really able to get a good read, but commented that not much had changed since our doctors appointment on Thursday. We were still a loose one centimeter. She hooked us up to the monitors and left.
And so began the long part of labor. It's a hurry up and wait game and the parts where you are just quiet, waiting, are really difficult. Kelly continued to have regular contractions and they continued to get more painful. Kelly's response to pain was to get very quiet and go internal. I knew this would happen and I found myself grateful for the monitors. Rather than having to ask Kelly if she was having a contraction, I was able to watch the "TOCO" number. When it started going up, I knew one was coming. I was even able to figure out at which number she would start to feel the pain. In this way, I was able to support her in silence, with a touch of my hand. A couple of times, she asked me not to touch her. I backed off, of course and let her labor.
At around 3:30 AM, they came in to tell us that the doctor on call had decided to have us checked at 4:00 AM to see if any progress was coming from the contractions or if we should go home. They said she had a "great contraction pattern". Kelly moved to the rocking chair and continued to labor there. The rocking chair was much less painful for her than laying on her back. The contractions seemed to pick up in intensity while she was sitting. The quiet laboring continued.
At 4 AM, they came to check us. Kelly was much more relaxed this time and the nurse was much more gentle. She told us that Kelly was 4 centimeters dilated and that he was very, very low. She was certain the doctor would decide to keep us. Kelly's pain was pretty high, but still tolerable. They offered her pain medication - either through the IV or an epidural, but Kelly turned them down. For now, she would continue to labor without medication.
At 6 AM, she was in lots of pain. They had, of course, admitted her and we were excited about having gone into labor on our own. In between contractions, there was a palpable tension in the air - anticipation, excited and nervousness all in one. We found out around this time that Kelly was Strep B Positive. Strangely, we had forgotten to ask the results of the test at 36 weeks and had just assumed they would tell us if it were positive. They brought in the antibiotic and started it.
At 7 AM, the shift change had occurred and our nurse came on. Cathy was a nurse that we knew well and were very comfortable with. She checked Kelly's cervix and announced that she was 7-8 centimeters dilated! We were so excited!!! We began making jokes about being able to watch Ellen at 2 PM from the extended stay unit. Kelly also asked for an epidural at this point. She did not want to go too much further and risk not being able to have one.
The anestiologist came in quickly and they asked me to leave the room. I waited in the waiting room for what felt like forever. They called me back in when the epidural was in and the waiting began again.
The relief was immediate. Kelly was immoble, but feeling much better. They put in a catheder and we continued to wait.
At around 8:30 AM, our doctor came in to check Kelly and see where we were in the process. She did her internal and decided that the nurse had been very generous by saying 8 centimeters and that Kelly was more like a very tight 7 centimeters. Dr. Riley broke her water. She told us to sit tight and that she would be back to check in a while. That was a bit disappointing, but we took it in stride.
I went out to get a cup of coffee at this point and heard Dr. Riley saying that Kelly was 6-7 centimeters to another doctor. That sucked to hear.
We continued to labor and while there was some pressure, it really wasn't that much. We rested and waited. They came in and gave her fluid. They watched the monitors. And we waited some more.
At 10:30, Kelly was checked again. She was finally 8 centimeters! The nurse had another nurse check Kelly as well, because the doctor had second-guessed her. The second nurse agreed with the 8 centimeter measurement. But this meant that we really hadn't progressed much since 7 AM. The waiting continued.
At 11:30, Kelly's mother arrived. When she walked in, Kelly and I were dosing and trying to get some rest. We had not slept the night before and were gearing up for the real hard part of labor. Things were relatively calm at this point. There wasn't much happening. Just a lot of waiting.
They checked Kelly again right before 1 PM, and while she had not dilated much more, Connor was lower (a zero station) and her cervix was completely thinned on one side. Her contractions had started to slow down, however, so they started a pitocin drip. They wanted to get her contractions back up to every 1-2 minutes and strong so that they continued to do their job.
It sucked to watch labor start ot stall out. We really wanted to do this on our own. But, the pitocin did the job. Kelly's contractions picked back up. We began to see the dip in heartrate with every contraction. This is good because it means that the head is being squeezed with every contraction which is an indicator that he's low and getting ready.
They continued to check Kelly and had her start rotating sides to thin areas of the cervix that were still thicker. He was low and she was dilated to 9 centimeters by around 3:30 PM. At 5 PM, they announced that was ready to go. The doctor came in and checked her and saw some problems with her cervix - there was a lip. She asked Kelly to push and was able to slip the lip backwards. She didn't see any reason not to start pushing.
Kelly's epidural had become mostly ineffective by now. The pressure of having Connor's head so low really caused a great deal of pain. She was back to breathing through every contraction and was exhausted and irritable. Being able to start pushing made us both very, very happy. We were ready for our baby.
(final chapter to come!)
The nurse was pretty rough with Kelly and when she entered her to check her, Kelly tensed up a lot. The nurse wasn't really able to get a good read, but commented that not much had changed since our doctors appointment on Thursday. We were still a loose one centimeter. She hooked us up to the monitors and left.
And so began the long part of labor. It's a hurry up and wait game and the parts where you are just quiet, waiting, are really difficult. Kelly continued to have regular contractions and they continued to get more painful. Kelly's response to pain was to get very quiet and go internal. I knew this would happen and I found myself grateful for the monitors. Rather than having to ask Kelly if she was having a contraction, I was able to watch the "TOCO" number. When it started going up, I knew one was coming. I was even able to figure out at which number she would start to feel the pain. In this way, I was able to support her in silence, with a touch of my hand. A couple of times, she asked me not to touch her. I backed off, of course and let her labor.
At around 3:30 AM, they came in to tell us that the doctor on call had decided to have us checked at 4:00 AM to see if any progress was coming from the contractions or if we should go home. They said she had a "great contraction pattern". Kelly moved to the rocking chair and continued to labor there. The rocking chair was much less painful for her than laying on her back. The contractions seemed to pick up in intensity while she was sitting. The quiet laboring continued.
At 4 AM, they came to check us. Kelly was much more relaxed this time and the nurse was much more gentle. She told us that Kelly was 4 centimeters dilated and that he was very, very low. She was certain the doctor would decide to keep us. Kelly's pain was pretty high, but still tolerable. They offered her pain medication - either through the IV or an epidural, but Kelly turned them down. For now, she would continue to labor without medication.
At 6 AM, she was in lots of pain. They had, of course, admitted her and we were excited about having gone into labor on our own. In between contractions, there was a palpable tension in the air - anticipation, excited and nervousness all in one. We found out around this time that Kelly was Strep B Positive. Strangely, we had forgotten to ask the results of the test at 36 weeks and had just assumed they would tell us if it were positive. They brought in the antibiotic and started it.
At 7 AM, the shift change had occurred and our nurse came on. Cathy was a nurse that we knew well and were very comfortable with. She checked Kelly's cervix and announced that she was 7-8 centimeters dilated! We were so excited!!! We began making jokes about being able to watch Ellen at 2 PM from the extended stay unit. Kelly also asked for an epidural at this point. She did not want to go too much further and risk not being able to have one.
The anestiologist came in quickly and they asked me to leave the room. I waited in the waiting room for what felt like forever. They called me back in when the epidural was in and the waiting began again.
The relief was immediate. Kelly was immoble, but feeling much better. They put in a catheder and we continued to wait.
At around 8:30 AM, our doctor came in to check Kelly and see where we were in the process. She did her internal and decided that the nurse had been very generous by saying 8 centimeters and that Kelly was more like a very tight 7 centimeters. Dr. Riley broke her water. She told us to sit tight and that she would be back to check in a while. That was a bit disappointing, but we took it in stride.
I went out to get a cup of coffee at this point and heard Dr. Riley saying that Kelly was 6-7 centimeters to another doctor. That sucked to hear.
We continued to labor and while there was some pressure, it really wasn't that much. We rested and waited. They came in and gave her fluid. They watched the monitors. And we waited some more.
At 10:30, Kelly was checked again. She was finally 8 centimeters! The nurse had another nurse check Kelly as well, because the doctor had second-guessed her. The second nurse agreed with the 8 centimeter measurement. But this meant that we really hadn't progressed much since 7 AM. The waiting continued.
At 11:30, Kelly's mother arrived. When she walked in, Kelly and I were dosing and trying to get some rest. We had not slept the night before and were gearing up for the real hard part of labor. Things were relatively calm at this point. There wasn't much happening. Just a lot of waiting.
They checked Kelly again right before 1 PM, and while she had not dilated much more, Connor was lower (a zero station) and her cervix was completely thinned on one side. Her contractions had started to slow down, however, so they started a pitocin drip. They wanted to get her contractions back up to every 1-2 minutes and strong so that they continued to do their job.
It sucked to watch labor start ot stall out. We really wanted to do this on our own. But, the pitocin did the job. Kelly's contractions picked back up. We began to see the dip in heartrate with every contraction. This is good because it means that the head is being squeezed with every contraction which is an indicator that he's low and getting ready.
They continued to check Kelly and had her start rotating sides to thin areas of the cervix that were still thicker. He was low and she was dilated to 9 centimeters by around 3:30 PM. At 5 PM, they announced that was ready to go. The doctor came in and checked her and saw some problems with her cervix - there was a lip. She asked Kelly to push and was able to slip the lip backwards. She didn't see any reason not to start pushing.
Kelly's epidural had become mostly ineffective by now. The pressure of having Connor's head so low really caused a great deal of pain. She was back to breathing through every contraction and was exhausted and irritable. Being able to start pushing made us both very, very happy. We were ready for our baby.
(final chapter to come!)
3/02/2009
The Birth Story Part 2
Kelly woke up from her nap on Sunday, February 22 at 2:30 PM, after having fairly regular contractions through the entire nap.
The contractions were strong, causing her to pause in her talking. She could still talk through them, but they were very uncomfortable. She described the pain as an intense burning - similar to a very, very strong period cramp.
They were coming every 10-15 minutes. Occasionally, there would be a longer pause, but that was rare. Every hour or so, we would time three or four of them to see exactly how far apart they were, but they never reached the point that we felt we needed to measure them all. I should also point out that all of these contractions were accompanied by lots and lots of bloody show. Of course, we had been having bloody show all week, so this didn't really excite us. For the most part, we just hung out and tried to ignore what was happening. Both of us were kind of wary and refused to believe that we were actually in labor. We had been so disappointed the entire week and didn't want to have that happen again.
Bailey stuck pretty close to Kelly all day on Sunday. Sunday evening, though, a very different thing happened. Bailey clung to Kelly's side, wanting to be near here constantly. She sat right beside her, snuggled under a blanket and read books. She wanted long hugs and lots of Kelly's attention. This is odd because quite the opposite was happening for the few months before then. Bailey has been kind of stand-offish toward Kelly.
That was the point that all three of us - Mom, Kelly and I - began to wonder if this was real. Kids have an intuitive way of knowing what is happening.
Still, the progression of the contractions did not change, and Kelly and I went to bed. Around 10:00 PM, Kelly kicked me out of bed. She was having the same contractions she had been having all day. Painful, full contractions every 10 minutes. She would have one and then fall asleep waiting for the next one. She was curled up around her pillow, working through each one. I was exhausted and was sleeping hard...and snoring. She couldn't take it - she needed to be able to sleep in between the contractions. So she woke me up and sent me downstairs to sleep on the couch. I wasn't happy, but know enough not to mess with a pregnant woman...and I suspected she was in labor. This was the first time that she had laid down and the contractions had not gone away. But they did not increase in frequency. We were not sure what was happening, but with the contractions every 10-12 minutes apart, we felt sure that we were not in labor enough to need to call or go to the hospital. I took my phone and told her to call me if anything changed and went down to sleep on the couch.
I slept fitfully, listening for the creek on the floor that would indicate that was walking around upstairs. It was hard for me to know that she was in pain upstairs, but I also knew that she needed to be able to rest between the contractions and that my snoring was preventing that. The best way for me to support her through what I suspected was early labor was to let her go through it alone.
At 1:00 AM, Kelly finally called me and I went upstairs. She was having very strong contactions - she was unable to talk through them - and they were lasting about a minute each. They had a distinct starting point, peak and then went away. They were like waves. But they were still only coming every 10 minutes. Her bloody show had changed, though, becoming bright red. We decided to call the birthing center and find out what they thought. I made the call and the nurse on duty indicated that she thought we should come in. She put us through to the doctor on call (not our doctor!!!). He thought it sounded like we should come in as well and at least be checked to see what was going on.
Kelly got up and took a long shower. She needed to feel clean, just in case. I used the time to get our stuff together and I woke my mom up. She took the baby monitor and made me a strong cup of coffee. Kelly was trying to be stoic about the whole thing and kept saying that we would probably be sent home. At this point, I knew better. After being on her feet for 15 minutes, Kelly's contractions started coming rapidly. As in, every 2-3 minutes. And they were strong and painful. They didn't stop and she couldn't talk through them. She really needed to breath through them and focus her concentration. I think she probably knew that this was it, although she wouldn't say that.
We hustled a bit faster once the contractions increased in frequency so quickly. I commented at one point that I wasn't interested in delivering a baby, so we needed to get to the hospital.
It was a surreal trip to the hospital for me. I remember thinking that we were very possibly going in to have our son and that I was about to coach my wife through childbirth. I had lots of thoughts, broken by Kelly's ragged breathing and my own concentration as I brought her safely in to the hospital. It seemed that I was wide awake, but I could feel the exhaustion already. I remember being worried about the exhaustion - we were going into labor very, very tired.
(more to come!)
The contractions were strong, causing her to pause in her talking. She could still talk through them, but they were very uncomfortable. She described the pain as an intense burning - similar to a very, very strong period cramp.
They were coming every 10-15 minutes. Occasionally, there would be a longer pause, but that was rare. Every hour or so, we would time three or four of them to see exactly how far apart they were, but they never reached the point that we felt we needed to measure them all. I should also point out that all of these contractions were accompanied by lots and lots of bloody show. Of course, we had been having bloody show all week, so this didn't really excite us. For the most part, we just hung out and tried to ignore what was happening. Both of us were kind of wary and refused to believe that we were actually in labor. We had been so disappointed the entire week and didn't want to have that happen again.
Bailey stuck pretty close to Kelly all day on Sunday. Sunday evening, though, a very different thing happened. Bailey clung to Kelly's side, wanting to be near here constantly. She sat right beside her, snuggled under a blanket and read books. She wanted long hugs and lots of Kelly's attention. This is odd because quite the opposite was happening for the few months before then. Bailey has been kind of stand-offish toward Kelly.
That was the point that all three of us - Mom, Kelly and I - began to wonder if this was real. Kids have an intuitive way of knowing what is happening.
Still, the progression of the contractions did not change, and Kelly and I went to bed. Around 10:00 PM, Kelly kicked me out of bed. She was having the same contractions she had been having all day. Painful, full contractions every 10 minutes. She would have one and then fall asleep waiting for the next one. She was curled up around her pillow, working through each one. I was exhausted and was sleeping hard...and snoring. She couldn't take it - she needed to be able to sleep in between the contractions. So she woke me up and sent me downstairs to sleep on the couch. I wasn't happy, but know enough not to mess with a pregnant woman...and I suspected she was in labor. This was the first time that she had laid down and the contractions had not gone away. But they did not increase in frequency. We were not sure what was happening, but with the contractions every 10-12 minutes apart, we felt sure that we were not in labor enough to need to call or go to the hospital. I took my phone and told her to call me if anything changed and went down to sleep on the couch.
I slept fitfully, listening for the creek on the floor that would indicate that was walking around upstairs. It was hard for me to know that she was in pain upstairs, but I also knew that she needed to be able to rest between the contractions and that my snoring was preventing that. The best way for me to support her through what I suspected was early labor was to let her go through it alone.
At 1:00 AM, Kelly finally called me and I went upstairs. She was having very strong contactions - she was unable to talk through them - and they were lasting about a minute each. They had a distinct starting point, peak and then went away. They were like waves. But they were still only coming every 10 minutes. Her bloody show had changed, though, becoming bright red. We decided to call the birthing center and find out what they thought. I made the call and the nurse on duty indicated that she thought we should come in. She put us through to the doctor on call (not our doctor!!!). He thought it sounded like we should come in as well and at least be checked to see what was going on.
Kelly got up and took a long shower. She needed to feel clean, just in case. I used the time to get our stuff together and I woke my mom up. She took the baby monitor and made me a strong cup of coffee. Kelly was trying to be stoic about the whole thing and kept saying that we would probably be sent home. At this point, I knew better. After being on her feet for 15 minutes, Kelly's contractions started coming rapidly. As in, every 2-3 minutes. And they were strong and painful. They didn't stop and she couldn't talk through them. She really needed to breath through them and focus her concentration. I think she probably knew that this was it, although she wouldn't say that.
We hustled a bit faster once the contractions increased in frequency so quickly. I commented at one point that I wasn't interested in delivering a baby, so we needed to get to the hospital.
It was a surreal trip to the hospital for me. I remember thinking that we were very possibly going in to have our son and that I was about to coach my wife through childbirth. I had lots of thoughts, broken by Kelly's ragged breathing and my own concentration as I brought her safely in to the hospital. It seemed that I was wide awake, but I could feel the exhaustion already. I remember being worried about the exhaustion - we were going into labor very, very tired.
(more to come!)
3/01/2009
The Birth Story Part 1
Many apologies for the lack of posting the last week. I realized that when Bailey was born, I was posting like crazy with pictures and thoughts...this time is different. But I'll talk more about that in throuh the birth story! I'll be breaking this down into a couple of different posts, because it is already 10:30 at night and I have to get to sleep soon!
So...on to our birth journey.
It really started about two weeks ago (a week before Connor's birth) when Kelly began some pretty significant pre-labor. For about a week, Kelly would have regular contractions each night for 2-3 hours. These contractions were real - painful and regular. They came with a steady rhythm. The first night, we were super excited. We got out our stop watch and little notebook and started timing. We got more and more hopeful that maybe something was starting. And then we did the next test to see if it was real labor - we laid down. And it stopped. For a week, every night we would have a long cluster of contractions that stopped as soon as we laid down.
By Thursday, February 19, Kelly and I were just worn out and extremely tired and frustrated. Kelly was in lots of pain all the time. Connor was very low and grinding against her cervix. The only thing that we held on to was the hope that all the false labor was leading to something and that we would get really good news when we went in for our 39 week doctor's appointment. We had rescheduled that for late in the afternoon on the 19th. We arrived at the appointment excited and very nervous that we would be told that not much has happened through the entire long week of false labor.
And we were right. After checking her cervix, our doctor told Kelly that her entire week of false labor had thinned her cervix to 90% (it was 80% the week before), but that we were still a very loose one centimeter dilated. The only news that was really good was that he was very low (a -1 station) and that her bag of waters was "bulging". We went home frustrated after having Kelly's membranes stripped again.
Friday, February 20 came and went with more of the same, except that it felt a bit different. The intensity had picked up. It was my last day at work, and I spent the day feeling strange about being so far away from Kelly. I knew that she would call me if anything changed, but it still seemed like I should be there. Nothing was physically different, but everything felt different. Friday night was more of the same - except that a couple of times through the night, Kelly woke up to some very painful contractions. This had happened on and off already, though, so we took very little comfort from it.
Saturday, February 21 was much the same as the previous days. My mom arrived in the early evening, though, which brought us a level of comfort we had not had before. We were carrying a lot of stress regarding what we were going to do if we went into labor before my Mom was here. Her arrival took away that last remaining stressor. It also made the wait that much more unbearable. We were, literally, watching and waiting for the one contraction that would break the water or change things. It didn't happen.
Sunday, February 22 began in much the same way, except the contractions were much more rhythmic and frequent. They didn't really follow the same pattern, in that they were happening in the morning with a much higher intensity than before. We still didn't put any faith in it, though. By this point, Kelly and I were completely exhausted by the entire process. Not so much physically, but mentally. We felt like it was never going to happen.
I should say here that all of this was occuring at the same time that we had a looming induction date on Monday, February 23. We knew that it would end. We knew we had a date.
But Kelly was really worried about the induction. She did not want to have to take cervidil or pitocin. She did not want to have to wonder if we pushed Connor out too quickly. She really just wanted to go into labor on her own and not have any doubt that this was the time for Connor to be born. So we carried around much of the same stress that we would have if we didn't have an induction date, with a bit of a ticking clock in our ears. We didn't want to have to be induced.
So, back to Sunday. At around noon on Sunday, Kelly took a nap. She was so tired and my Mom was here to help me, so she came upstairs and crashed out. She reports that through her nap, she was woken regularly with contractions, but that she slept pretty good anyway. She slept for 2 1/2 hours and woke up at 2:30 PM.
This is the point that we have decided real labor began...
(more to come!)
So...on to our birth journey.
It really started about two weeks ago (a week before Connor's birth) when Kelly began some pretty significant pre-labor. For about a week, Kelly would have regular contractions each night for 2-3 hours. These contractions were real - painful and regular. They came with a steady rhythm. The first night, we were super excited. We got out our stop watch and little notebook and started timing. We got more and more hopeful that maybe something was starting. And then we did the next test to see if it was real labor - we laid down. And it stopped. For a week, every night we would have a long cluster of contractions that stopped as soon as we laid down.
By Thursday, February 19, Kelly and I were just worn out and extremely tired and frustrated. Kelly was in lots of pain all the time. Connor was very low and grinding against her cervix. The only thing that we held on to was the hope that all the false labor was leading to something and that we would get really good news when we went in for our 39 week doctor's appointment. We had rescheduled that for late in the afternoon on the 19th. We arrived at the appointment excited and very nervous that we would be told that not much has happened through the entire long week of false labor.
And we were right. After checking her cervix, our doctor told Kelly that her entire week of false labor had thinned her cervix to 90% (it was 80% the week before), but that we were still a very loose one centimeter dilated. The only news that was really good was that he was very low (a -1 station) and that her bag of waters was "bulging". We went home frustrated after having Kelly's membranes stripped again.
Friday, February 20 came and went with more of the same, except that it felt a bit different. The intensity had picked up. It was my last day at work, and I spent the day feeling strange about being so far away from Kelly. I knew that she would call me if anything changed, but it still seemed like I should be there. Nothing was physically different, but everything felt different. Friday night was more of the same - except that a couple of times through the night, Kelly woke up to some very painful contractions. This had happened on and off already, though, so we took very little comfort from it.
Saturday, February 21 was much the same as the previous days. My mom arrived in the early evening, though, which brought us a level of comfort we had not had before. We were carrying a lot of stress regarding what we were going to do if we went into labor before my Mom was here. Her arrival took away that last remaining stressor. It also made the wait that much more unbearable. We were, literally, watching and waiting for the one contraction that would break the water or change things. It didn't happen.
Sunday, February 22 began in much the same way, except the contractions were much more rhythmic and frequent. They didn't really follow the same pattern, in that they were happening in the morning with a much higher intensity than before. We still didn't put any faith in it, though. By this point, Kelly and I were completely exhausted by the entire process. Not so much physically, but mentally. We felt like it was never going to happen.
I should say here that all of this was occuring at the same time that we had a looming induction date on Monday, February 23. We knew that it would end. We knew we had a date.
But Kelly was really worried about the induction. She did not want to have to take cervidil or pitocin. She did not want to have to wonder if we pushed Connor out too quickly. She really just wanted to go into labor on her own and not have any doubt that this was the time for Connor to be born. So we carried around much of the same stress that we would have if we didn't have an induction date, with a bit of a ticking clock in our ears. We didn't want to have to be induced.
So, back to Sunday. At around noon on Sunday, Kelly took a nap. She was so tired and my Mom was here to help me, so she came upstairs and crashed out. She reports that through her nap, she was woken regularly with contractions, but that she slept pretty good anyway. She slept for 2 1/2 hours and woke up at 2:30 PM.
This is the point that we have decided real labor began...
(more to come!)
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