27 Days...and less

Friday's appointment didn't go so well. Kelly's blood pressure is back up where it was when they first put us on bedrest. This doesn't really change anything, but it's not really what we want to see. Kelly's cervix is softening, but still long and completely closed. Connor is at a -1 station, which is still quite high.

At 36 weeks, that is to be expected. She is right on track.

But the blood pressure, the headaches that come and go and the swelling are all signs that this part of pregnancy is not great for her. So far, no urine spill over and so we stay pregnant.

Our doctor told us that they would not let us go past 39 weeks. If we go in for our 39 week appointment on February 20th and are still pregnant, they will induce. Of course, if anything changes between now and then (either in a good, ohmigod, here comes Connor way or in a shit, your blood pressure spiked kind of way), they will induce him sooner.

Still no talk of a c-section. Which is good.

Kelly is contracting regularly - her braxton hicks are coming about every 10 minutes and have been consitently. She is not having real contractions 5-10 times a day, depending on the day and how active she is. They are very short and very irregular and are (obviously) not yet having an effect. But still. That is kind of cool.

We won't go into her emotional state right now...but suffice to say, she's all done with being pregnant. ALL DONE.

I have a lot of thoughts in my head - there is a lot I want to post. Right now, Bailey is sleeping for the night and Kelly is taking a bath. I'm not really feeling like being deep or thoughtful. I'm just tired today.

Maybe tomorrow.

29 Days and Potty Training

We're in the 20's! It is so close, and yet so far away. Nothing new to report. We wait.

And while we wait, potty training has begun in earnest in the McFadden house. Bailey officially moves into the 2-year old room at school on Monday. During this week of "transition" she has spent nearly all day, every day in the room. She is SOOOO much happier. We have had some recent shifts, with all of her friends moving up to the 2 year old room before she did. That was because she was moved into the toddler room early, from the infant room. She's always been moved about 3 months before she was "supposed" to. We had to fight a bit to get her moved, but in the end we won the battle. Let's face it, with the new wave of young toddlers just moved into the toddler room when the older ones were moved to the twos room, she was running LAPS around the young kids. Not only does she dwarf them in size, but seriously, she was bored. She needs to be stimulated and learning. In the two room, they have a curriculum and all kinds of stuff. And in just the three days that she has spent in the room, her attitude about school has completely changed. She is super-excited to be there again.

AND...now we can start potty training. They have a regular bathroom time in the twos. Bailey will begin wearing pullups tonight, exclusively. She already tells us when she needs to go pee and sits on the potty happily. So far, she has never actually gone potty on the toilet, but she's getting there. Last night she peed on the floor 3 times. No worries, though, it was her first night without a diaper in the evening. It was frustrating for us, but we worked hard not to let her know it. She's ready and we're ready to work with her.

I'll keep you posted.

30 Days

Non-stress test and ultrasound went fine yesterday. Kelly's blood pressure was perfect, so no worries there. They were able to see her cervix and there is no change yet. This is good (he's still early) and bad (because we're sick of being pregnant). In any event, both Mommy and Connor are healthy and that is all that matters.

Below are the 34 week and 35 week photos. 34 week photo is first, 35 week photo second. Can you see her dropping??

New Bailey Pictures!

31 Days

Connor Watch reports not much new today. We managed to get the load of blankets/towels/sheets into the washer, but not the dryer. Kelly will get that today. Kelly has a non-stress test and ultrasound scan of Connor today. Unlucky me has to miss it, because work requires that I be here. And I'm saving as much time as I can. This will be the first significant appointment I've missed. In fact, I've only ever missed one non-stress test (on Friday). This will be the second and the first bio-scan ultrasound.

Sometimes I hate my job.

Snow is finally falling in our region. The commute in to work was fine. The commute home is going to suck in a major way. And I'm not being overly sarcastic here. The fuckers in this town absolutely CAN NOT drive when any kind of precipitation is falling. Hell, traffic slows down 30 mph when it RAINS. You can imagine what happens when there is snow, sleet and freezing rain in the forcast. It's a nightmare.

But, at least it's finally snowing. This will make the first snowfall of the year here in DC. Literally - the first inch of snow. Insanity, I say.

On an unrelated and exciting in a watching a train wreck kind of way - the building next to my office is currently burning to the ground. I spent about a half hour this morning watching from my boss's 14th floor window, looking down on the firemen creating holes in the roof (we assume vents??) and watching the flames shoot out of the windows in the alley. They assured us that our building was not in jeapordy and that they had the fire completely under control. So, I watched in facination as these very, very brave souls did there work. It was kind of cool.

Now, onto more work for me! I'll update with the non-stress test and ultasound results. Sorry, no pictures. I forgot the camera at home. We actually have 2 rounds of belly shots to share. I'm such a picture-slacker.

Connor Watch 2009

So, as we near the end of this pregnancy, I have decided to start Connor Watch 2009. Check back often (and I promise I'll post a belly shot tomorrow).

This weekend, Kelly started having real contractions. She's been having Braxton Hicks contractions for many, many weeks. This weekend, 5 or so of them were accompanied by sharp pains for the first time. Of course, they were very far apart and mean absolutely nothing in terms of when we'll go into labor. But it's a start.

Connor is head down and doing his thing. He is pushing heavily on Kelly's cervix, as evidenced by the sharp pains that start in her very lower tummy and shoot down through her vagina. She's been trying to explain them to me, but because Bailey never engaged, I have no basis for comparison. On Friday, our doctor described them perfectly, making Kelly feel much better. He's still moving a lot and doesn't seem to be super huge. Kelly's measurement dropped from our top number of 35 centimeters to 34 last week. This is, of course, very normal now that Connor is head down and getting lower.

A couple of other festive details - Kelly's nipples are super dark, making them "targets" for Connor when he is born. Kelly will probably breastfeed a bit in the hospital so that Connor gets the colostrum, but she has pretty much decided that she will not breastfeed after. Connor will be a formula-fed baby. There are lots of reasons and we know all the arguments that "breast is best". But we also know that Bailey was a formula fed baby and did not get sick any more than breast fed babies and is certainly not lagging behind in any kind of development. We're just not concerned and breast feeding requires a level of committment that we're just not willing to give. With a toddler at home, we're just not doing it. So...for those of you who feel strongly that we are making the wrong decision, keep it to yourself! We're happy, comfortable and satified with our choice. With that said, Kelly's breasts now leak if pulled back. Isn't that fun??? LOL

Kelly's at 34.4 pounds gained. She hasn't gained weight in the last couple of weeks (which is also normal). LOL - leave it to Kelly to come within .6 pounds of the "recommended" weight gain.

We have organized all of Connor's things. The only thing left to do is wash the clothes and blankets and then hang and fold them. Connor is living in our room for at least the first 6-7 months. Even if he begins sleeping through the night, we can't transition him to his own room until Bailey transitions to her bed. So far, that is not happening. We set up the pack 'n play, laid the diapers, shampoo and body lotion in the pack 'n play and made piles of laundry. His bottles are downstairs, ready to be santitized. We have a ton of hangers ready to hang his sleepers and other clothes in our closet. He's got so many clothes - all of Bailey's old things and tons and tons of donations. This weekend, I made our first purchase of baby clothes and that was just because the onsie was cute. We need nothing. We have everything that we could ever need through his first year of life.

All that is left is to have the car seat bases installed in our cars. I am going to undertake that this weekend. Then, it will just be a matter of pulling out the toys as he is ready for them (which will be a while). We tried to explain to Bailey that the pack 'n play would be Connor's bed, but she doesn't get it. She will, though. Eventually.

We are, in no way, prepared for the sleepless nights, the sleep depravation and the insanity of the "fourth trimester". We see it coming, but you just can't prepare. It's just a matter of attacking it when it comes and getting through it. We have the benefit of both of us home for 8 weeks and then Kelly home for 4 more after that. 2 parents home will help. I'm not sure how much, but at least we can tag-team Connor and allow the other to get some sleep. I don't know if that will actually work or if that is a pipe-dream.

What we do know is that Bailey will remain in child care through the entire time we are home. Other than the weekends, she will be in school from around 7:30 or 8 AM and won't come home until 4 or so. We will be more relaxed with her schedule, of course (like letting her sleep until she wakes up) and maybe not as rigid with bedtime as we are now. But for the most part, we are going to keep her on her schedule so that we are not dealing with her adjusting to more changes than she has to. Since I am the only one who can comfort her at night, I will still be doing the late nights with Bailey. We fully expect that she will have some trauma around the new baby coming home with us. Since her sleep is ALWAYS the first thing effected when she is struggling with something, I think we'll probably have a couple weeks (months?) of rough nights. And then, with Connor in our room, we will both be woken up by him. Which is another reason why we are formula feeding. It's just easier in the middle of the night and takes the full weight off Kelly. We can share that duty as well.

So anyway. We are ready in terms of what we need. We could have Connor tomorrow and we would be prepared to bring him home. I don't think anything prepares you for the shock of having a new baby. And there is really nothing we can do to prepare Bailey. We can only prepare for what we think will happen and trust ourselves to get through the unexpected.

Connor Watch 2009 has begun.

Random Thought For the Day

I was thinking this morning as I was driving into work that I wasn't nearly as excited as everyone else about Obama's inauguration. I'm certain that I am not the only one out there, but boy, watching that covereage on Tuesday you would never have known it. I'm just not on the Obama train. I like to think of myself as supportive (I did vote for him) and loyal (I voted for him because I'm a democrat and I felt like I needed to support my party).

But I was very, very annoyed at the cost of the innauguration. Given that most of the people who read this blog are avid supporters and probably would argue this point with me until I'm dead, I'll just leave it by saying that "sacrifice" comes in lots of ways. $171 million dollars is a lot to pay for one day.

Kelly, rightly I suspect, pointed out that he probably had nothing to do it with it. Even if he had said "keep it cheap", it's not really his to decide. It's for the people who supported him. I get that. I disagree with it, but I get it. On a second note, Kelly wondered out loud how much revenue the city generated (and Virginia and Maryland for that matter) by the huge festivities.

She's probably right.

I just didn't like the optics of it.

So while I watched the coverage much of the day and watched the oath and watched the speech and caught much of the parade, I wasn't all that interested. I was moved in moment (who couldn't be?), but for the most part the emotion of the day was disinterest and a bit of disgust.

The random thought I had on the way to work this morning was "isn't that fantastic?" Seriously. I live in a country where I can be disinterested and even a bit disgusted by the government because I know that the transfer of power will happen peacefully and completely. I trust that I will wake up tomorrow and my government will still function. I can completely disagree with the politics (I don't...but I could if I wanted to) and I would still know that my country was not going to collapse around me.

THAT is democracy and it's the single factor that makes me feel loyal to our country.

That's my random thought of the day.

Gonna Be Okay...For Today

Yesterday's hopsital stay resulted in very good results. Kelly's blood pressure is down where is should be, the non stress test was perfect and the bio scan ultrasound showed nothing but a healthy Connor.

We'll keep what we are doing with the bed rest and hope it continues to work.

My job is fantastic and are letting me do 6:30 AM - 3:00 PM days every day until leave. This will help tremendously. I will go back to doing that three days a week when I get back from leave, with two later days. God love my boss for being willing (and able) to work with me.

Kelly is being allowed to telecommute the rest of her pregnancy. This works, because it keeps her occupied and keeps her laying down.

Now...two more weeks and two days and Connor can come whenever he feels like it!

More Hospital Time

This time, it's controlled though. One of the conditions of Kelly's release from the hospital and the control of her blood pressure is that she go into the hospital every four days for a period of monitoring. If all is well they will send us home on bedrest. We have no idea what will happen if all is not well. We are going with optimism.

In any event, we will be watching the Inaugural parade from a hospital bed this afternoon. Hopefully, Kelly's blood pressure will be normal or not very high. Hopefully they will tell us that we don't need to come in again. Hopefully all the "scare" will be taken out and will be replaced by boredom as we realize that we'll be pregnant for a while longer and it's going to be a while before Connor makes his appearance.

We are excited to be going in, in one respect - it allows us to pepper our doctors and nurses with questions. Everyone makes fun of us because we have questions all the time. We want to know if "bedrest" means laying on her left side constantly or if sitting up sometimes is okay. We want to know how much time needs to be spent laying down. We want to know what exactly will happen if Connor has to be delivered early and what the cutoff is for having him sent to Children's Hospital in downtown DC. We want to know a lot. We like answers.

We were joking yesterday that we're going to be like an eye doctor with our questions. We'll put out the alternatives and say "better 1, or better 2" and let them answer. LOL

Of course, we realize how ridiculous we are and we accept that there are no certainties. But we like to ask anyway. It makes our doctors laugh...and it lets them know that we are paying attention and are interested in the mundane.

Now it's time to get Bailey up and prepare for the day. I have another day off - with Bailey in daycare. I am going to do some grocery shopping this morning. When the stores open, I am going to go purchase the cookbook that I found yesterday (the line was too long when I tried to purchase it yesterday) and then take the car to get the oil changed. Then to Kelly's boss's home to drop off some work. Then to the hospital with my love.

Not exactly a relaxing day off...but a day to myself, at least!

Counting Down

We are in the "30's".

And it's a good thing too.

Kelly was diagnosed with pregnancy induced hypertension on Friday. We went in for our regular doctor appointment and her blood pressure was 140/80. This is definately not good. She also had +2 edemia, which just means that she was very swollen in her legs and ankles (and fingers and wrists, actually). Combined with the the headaches that won't go away and the increased indigestion, they decided to send us to the hospital. They were telling us that they were going to keep her overnight and run a series of tests - blood, 24 hour urine collection and constant blood pressure, contraction and baby heart monitoring. Good times.

We got there and got Kelly all hooked up. Connor is just fine - good heart rate, good movement and most important, his heart rate increased as it is supposed to when he moves. That means that Kelly's placenta is not failing and that everything is good in her uterus. Her blood pressure was slightly lower when we got there - 137/83. Of course, her bottom number was a bit higher, but that was okay. They drew blood, testing for liver function. That came back normal. They began the 24 hour urine collection to do a more in-depth test for protien in her urine. Her dip-stick protien tests had come back negative (which is fantastic). Interestingly, Kelly was contracting every 5 minutes. Not real contactions - but Braxton Hicks. This has been going on for a long time and is quite normal for her, so that didn't worry anyone. But it was interesting to see it on the monitors.

All told, after about 4 hours, they decided that they did not need to keep her overnight and were going to send her home on bedrest. She had to continue collecting every drop of urine until we reached the 24 hour mark, and then we needed to drop the jug off at the hospital. LOL - Kelly was entirely grossed out by the jug of urine. I could care less. It was funny to me.

Anyway - now we are home. Kelly is on bedrest, but is really struggling with it. Bailey has been a nightmare the last couple of days. She is intensely needy and has been screaming for her pacifier for hours. I know that she is going through an appropriate developmental stage, but I could fucking scream it's been so difficult. Kelly is really struggling with the fact that she cannot help me - she has to stay relaxed and in bed. Whenever she is with Bailey, she gets stressed out immediately. I have a hell of a time keeping them both calm. It means that I can never be frustrated and have to keep myself calm at all times.

Bailey is just so intense. This would be a perfectly fine experience, if we didn't have the weight of this pregnancy on our shoulders. We are just both so tired and I'm worried as shit. I don't want anything to happen to Kelly or Connor and it's entirely out of my control. The only thing that I can do is carry everything and hope that is enough. It seems like Kelly is really struggling with the fact that I am having to do 100% of all the work. No amount of reassurance that I'm okay with it seems to be helping.

More than anything right now, I just wish we had some family around. I would love some help. Not necessarily with Bailey, but just with everything. I would love to feel like we were not completely alone in this. You know, even having people near helps. It's not that I need someone to watch Bailey or to do housework. Just some company, some reassurance that we are not alone in this big, bad world, would help. We live here for lots of reasons, but I think we both can see the downfall of being away from our families. It's hard to carry the world on your shoulders all alone, even when there are two of us carrying the load. There is a lot riding on our never breaking down.

Anyway. Two days off. We don't have plans (obviously), and other than going to look for a slow cooker cookbook, I plan to just sit around, drink coffee and enjoy the silence. Bailey is at childcare and I'm not working today. Tomorrow will be just like today, except that Kelly needs to spend some time at the hospital being monitored. We'll be doing this every four days until delivery.

2 weeks, 4 days until Connor is considered "term" at 37 weeks. 5 weeks, 4 days until we are 40 weeks pregnant. Let the countdown begin.

Just Keeping It Real

Pregnancy has made Kelly insane.

Sounds cruel to say that, doesn't it? But I mean it with full love and understanding. I remember how fucking hard it is to be at this point. In fact, in my pregnancy, I was 2 weeks away from being pulled out of work for exhaustion and stress. Every second, you can feel the pregnancy and there is no escape. You are tired constantly, in pain most of the time, dealing with flooding hormones and relentless exhaution.

It's absolutely horrid, unless you are one of those people (and very few actual are) who love being pregnant so much that you like this shit.

I thought that it was nearly unbearable when I was pregnant. And so I understand how Kelly is feeling. I understand every snide, snippy comment. I understand the complete lack of attention, the total inability to stay up later than 8 PM, the exhausted sound of her voice, the need to just sit down and stop moving. I understand the frustration with everything and everyone. I understand the near desperation that you feel when you realize that you still have 6 weeks and the day is only half over. I get the flood of annoyance that comes when someone says "yea, but it's so close" and how you want to knock out anyone who gets in your path and looks at you wrong. I understand the need to eat and the complete disinterest in food. I even get how the doctor's appointments are no longer exciting and are just another chore that has to be accomplished before you can shut your eyes. And I get that even in sleep you get no rest or break, because you have to pee constantly and just getting out of bed is a chore. And then you have to fall back asleep quick because damn it, it's 2 AM and you haven't even in 6 hours and you're so fucking hungry you could scream.

I get it all. Not only have I been there, but I'm living through it again. On a different scale, but the effects of pregnancy do not escape anyone who lives with a pregnant woman.

My poor baby. Hang in there.

Birthing Class

I have a few minutes between projects and a lunch program, so I thought I would post some thoughts on our birthing class.


Before I do, though, I have to share one of the sweetest developments that Bailey has gone through. The other night, she put her Elmo to bed. I know that doesn't sound like much, but she did it up right! She held him, she stroked his head, she sung to him, she laid him down and kissed his head, she pulled the blankets up over him, she gave him his rag and then she laid down beside him and snuggled him some more. When he "woke up" a few minutes later, she held him gently and rocked him back and forth. Kelly nearly cried, although with those pregnancy hormones, I'm not surprised. I watched her and was very touched. It is incredibly gratifying to see your child display that kind of love and affections. It is obviously what she is learning, and those are lessons I'm proud we are teaching her.

So, birthing class.

First - we were not the only lesbian couple in the room. There were only 5 couples total and the other lesbian couple was sitting right in front of us. Now this couple was obviously in a new relationship, or at the very least, they were not having the baby together. The non-pregnant woman was completely disinterested in the entire process. I watched them with interest and found myself placing mental bets on how long the relationship would last once the baby comes. Having kids isn't for the faint of heart and it's certainly not for untested relationships. It's hard work to parent with someone and I imagine that it is even harder to have someone around who isn't parenting with you.

But I thought it was interesting that we were not alone.

Second - when the discussion rolled around to post partum, I had a response that was completely unexpected. Namely, I had to fight really hard not to sob the entire time. There was this very funny video talking about the reality of parenting and how much it can shake the very foundation of the relationship that you are in. There was a lot of discussion about hormones and how the reality of parenting for the first time is very hard for most women. In general, it was an open discussion about how fucking hard it can be when exhaustion collides with reality and you find yourself 6 weeks into having a child and hating it. I didn't expect to be so incredibly floored by what I was hearing, but it was like I was right back to those early months with Bailey. I felt the guilt, the overwhelming fear, the anger, the anxiety. It was strange. I just wanted to cry remembering how that felt for me. It was a bit of an eye opener and something that made me realize that I need to be very careful with myself and with Kelly when Connor is born. Who knows how this time will feel, but I had forgotten how it CAN feel. I need to not forget, so that I don't miss the signs if me or Kelly begins to fall beyond normal.

Other than that, we walked away from the class excited and ready for Connor to be born. I think that we are more excited now than we've been since the beginning. I think that Kelly would probably say that we are inching towards the end, but I feel like we are sprinting to the finish line and I can't wait!

Just Another Manic...Saturday??

Another long night with Bailey up 5 times between 11 PM and morning. I was out until 10:30 last night doing the grocery shopping and Target shopping. I haven't gotten a proper night's rest in a week.

It's preparation for what's to come, huh?

Birthing class today. I'm super excited.

For now, Bailey is crying for me and requesting her "Momma" in the most pitiful voice I've ever heard. Better go rescue her.

7 Weeks

7 Weeks

7 Weeks

7 Weeks

(I just keep chanting this over and over in my head, so I thought I would keep the chant up here. This is my brain, right?)

Birthing class tomorrow. A whole day without Bailey. I don't know if that makes me happy or sad. I guess I'll be distracted and she'll have her "Stacey" to keep her happy and entertained.

The biggest questions is how do I keep my wife fed, comfortable, watered and bathroomed during an 8 hour class?

Getting Closer!

We are only 50 days away from that magical day that says that Connor is fully 40 weeks. Of course, any person who has ever been pregnant knows that no woman HOPES to go the full 40 weeks. I guess I shouldn't say that...maybe there are women out there who love pregnancy so much that they want to be that pregnant. But I wasn't one of them, and neither is Kelly.

So here are the numbers.

We have 50 days until our due date.
We have 7 Weeks and 1 day until our due date.
We are 33 weeks pregnant tomorrow.
We are 4 weeks and 1 day away from being considered full term (at 37 weeks)
We are 1 week and 1 day away from the magic 34 weeks when they wouldn't stop labor if it were to start.

This weekend, we will spend a full 8 hour day at the hospital doing a birth class. It will cover all topics, from relaxation techniques to the stages of labor, and will include a tour of the birthing suites and postpartum unit. Now, we've had a baby at this hospital before, but I had all kinds of fancy ideas about how I wanted my labor to go. Not one of those fancy ideas panned out and we never took any kind of birth class. We are going for the super-compressed, one-day, bang-it-all-out class. Kelly's entire birth philosophy is centered around the one major theme of "go with the flow." Seriously. She doesn't have any expectations, hopes or desires. She has some fear, but that hasn't gotten unmanageble yet. She will stay home until she is ready to go to the hospital. She will do it naturally until she is ready for an epidural. When they tell her it's time to push, she'll push and if they tell her it is time to have a c-section, off we'll go to the operating room.

I love my laid-back girl. This process doesn't seem nearly as daunting as it did when I was pregnant. That might be because we have done it before, but I don't know. I just think that going into the experience relaxed and ready for whatever happens is better than going into the experience will all the expectations that I had. Our one goal is a healthy child and a healthy Mommy. Whatever else happens is not up to us.

It's Now Amusing

Today just took it's final (I hope) turn for the worst.

Our assistant put in his 2 week notice. And in the current hiring freeze, he will not be replaced. More work. Less time.

Fuckin' shit.

I Hate Being Human

I woke up this morning on the way wrong side of the bed. No reason - other than the crazy, cold, gray rain that makes me wish I lived up north so that it would be soft white snow. I was just grumpy. Really, really grumpy. Bailey woke up again at 5 AM. She's been doing this for about a week and we are convinced now that it is a trend. We tried to start keeping her up later thinking that she was just not needing as much sleep, but that backfired. She still got up at 5 AM, but was bitchy all day from being tired.

She woke up on the wrong side of the bed too. Or maybe she just woke up in full-on-early-two-year-old mood. Fuck. Everything was "no" and "NO MOMMA" and "Stop Momma" and whining, whining, whining. Getting her dressed, her shoes on and her hair brushed and up took twice as long. We got downstairs and my already very frustrated mood bubbled over when she started rubbing sugar-free syrup all over her clothes. She wouldn't sit down. She wouldn't eat. She wanted "milk...no water...no milk" and didn't want her food. But she did want her vitamin. And then a couple more (which she can't have for obvious reasons). I was tired and grumpy and so fucking sick of her whining.

So, I bubbled over and ended up yelling at her to sit down, eat and behave. She looked at me with those big blue eyes, with tears sparkling in them and back away from her table. In her quiet little voice, she said "no Momma" and started playing with her hands in front of her bib, all the while looking up at me with her wounded eyes. They just screamed "why are you yelling at me...I'm just being a kid."

And I realized in that moment that I FUCKING HATE BEING HUMAN. I hate it that I'm not immune to her whining and that she can get under my skin. I hate that I reach a breaking point. I hate it all. Especially today. Because I'm in a bad mood.

So tonight, when I get home, I'll need to give her extra hugs and kisses. And she won't know why because she won't remember this morning. But I will. And I'll still be feeling bad, even though we made up before we left for school.

Jesus. I hate cold, rainy days.

32 Week Baby Bump

Just for comparison's sake, lets start with the baby bump at 29 weeks...























And then, here we are at 32 weeks (but measuring 34)...

And one shot of our beautiful baby girl, taken just yesterday!

Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only parent (besides Kelly, of course) who feels relief when the weekend is over and I can go back to work. I wonder if this makes me a bad mother. I wonder if, even if it doesn't make me a bad mother, if maybe I should have thought a little bit harder about becoming a mother. I wonder if other people struggle with their children as much as I do. I wonder if the problem is me, or Bailey, or a combination of both. I wonder if there isn't a problem at all. I wonder if what I'm feeling is normal and if other mothers are just not willing to be honest. I wonder if I'll always feel just that twinge (or rush) of relief forever. I wonder if parenting is hard for everyone or if I just make it hard. I wonder if Bailey can sense that I struggle a good portion of the time. I wonder if she knows that I hate being touched all day long, without break. I wonder if hating to be touched all day long without a break is normal.

I wonder if I will ever stop feeling guilty for having these feelings. I wonder if the moments of sheer joy at seeing my daughter outweighs the moments when I would hit the rewind button. I wonder, if given the opportunity, if I really would hit the rewind button. I wonder if there will come a day when I look back and wish for these days to come back. I wonder if I will be one of those people who, in 20 years, forgets that I ever felt this way.

I wonder if, when Bailey reads this years and years from now, if she will know that this is my shit and has nothing to do with her. I wonder if I tell her that I love her enough and if she knows, without fail, that I would never leave her and that even when I would classify her behavior as horrific...I still love her. I wonder if the disgust I feel when she behaves like a hoodlum is normal. I wonder if being disgusted with your child is even okay. I wonder why love is not always the first emotion I feel when I see her. I wonder if people think I'm a bad mother because I'm willing to say these things.

I wonder why I spend my time wondering about these things. I wonder if I will ever just be the goddamn susy-homemaker that I have pictured in my head. I wonder if I would hate myself if I ever let myself become that person.

I wonder why it feels like I am the only person in the entire world who admits that I miss life before Bailey and I wonder if I am the only person who will ever say out loud that it was easier, and in moments, it was better when we didn't have a toddler. I wonder if people realize that even though I feel this way, I would never subtract her from my life. I wonder if it is clear to people that she is, in fact, my entire world and that because she is the most important part of me, sometimes I just need a break from it.

Sometimes I wonder why being a mother is so tiring and why the rewards are so few. I wonder if maybe I'm doing this wrong, or maybe I'm just not a good parent. Or maybe I am. But I wonder. I wonder if there is any truth to the fears I have that someday she will read this and think that I didn't love her enough. I wonder if she will create a perfect image of me that I cannot live up to and I wonder if she will think I've failed her when I can't. I wonder if she will blame me for the shit that comes her way in life. I wonder if I will blame myself.

Mostly, I just wonder if when this is all said and done, if she will know that she is at the center of all of me - all my joy, all my love, all my struggle, all my heartbreak, all my fear, all my hope. I wonder if she will know that there will never again be any part of me that is untouched by her presence and I wonder if she will know that is both a blessing and a struggle.

I wonder why I'm the only person who talks about this stuff. I wonder if it is just me who feels it. And then I wonder if other people are talking about it, but I am not hearing it.

Waiting

It seems that Kelly and I have moved beyond the "will this ever end" stage of pregnancy and right smack into the "ohmygod, it's only 7 1/2 weeks away" stage. Every day feels like we advance faster than just one day toward the inevitable outcome of having a second child, having our son, home with us. Connor is becoming a baby - more real every moment. We are excited, giddy even in moments, and looking forward to the moment when he is outside of Kelly's tummy and into our arms.

We come at it from the perspective of people who have done it before, but it seems that knowing what is coming doesn't hamper how excited we are to be entering this journey again.

We have found some peace with the "what to do with Bailey" question. Our good friends M&S have agreed to be on-call. In addition, we have two neighbors who are available to help if needed. And just this morning, one of Bailey's day care providers has offered to help us. We are looking at a 15-18 hour window of time max before my Mom arrives. Once she is here, she will take over. In the next few weeks we'll be figuring out who really is willing to be on call (in other words...if we call at 2 AM, who will really be able to come over...LOL!). We know it is a lot to ask of anybody and we are so grateful to have people in our lives who will step up and help. Honestly, it makes me feel like I have hit the jackpot to have so many loving, caring people in my life. It's wonderful.

As for Bailey, it appears that she is going to go through "terrible two's" early and that they are going to be pretty terrible. I'm not surprised in the least. She has always done everything early and she has always done every big. She is coming into her fierce independant push with all the intensity and spirit that she has come into every new stage in her life. Everything is "no" and that is usually accompanied by some form of hitting, kicking, biting or running away. We are working on it, and working through it, and she is responding in the way that any toddler would. Sometimes she is very responsive and other times she is not. Her level of "bad" is generally cyclical with her worst times coming when she is hungry or tired. It is nothing new, and anyone who has parented a high-energy, high intensity child through this developmental phase knows that it is not easy. Kelly and I find ourselves completely exhausted after spending 5 hours with her. We are perfecting a system of "tag - you're it" rather than both of us dealing with her on a constant basis. We have realized that, most of the time, one of us needs to be primary while the other is back up, so that when the primary reaches the breaking point, the back up is ready to jump in.

Bailey has always been a lot of work, and this is no exception. We are looking forward to a point when she eases up a bit, but realize that it will be a while. And before it ends, it'll probably get worse when Connor comes home. I'm certain, that she will struggle, no matter how easy we try to make in on her.

And we will all come through it. The only truth that has ever come out of parenting for me is that as soon as you "get" something, it changes. And nothing - absolutely nothing - lasts forever. She'll shift, we'll change and Connor will join us. Then we'll all adjust to our new "normal". Bailey too.

But probably, not without a fight. LOL

Coming Out...Every Day

One of the "joys" of being a lesbian parent is the constant education of the people around us.

A few days ago, on the playground, we found ourselves in the situation of explaining (gently) that Bailey had two Moms to one of the parents on the playground. Another time recently, I had to explain to a woman that I was Momma when she asked me who I was if not "Mommy". I had been talking to Bailey about the fact that Mommy was at home. And then, just this evening, I was sitting beside a nice woman at the mall playground while trying to run some energy out of Bailey and she asked me if I was Bailey's grandmother. I think she must have seen the horrified and confused look on my face (I was busy trying to decide if I was really so tired that I looked like my daughter's grandmother and contemplating changing my no-makeup on the weekend policy), because she followed up her comment by explaining that she had heard me saying that Mommy was at home. I felt like I was in a difficult situation. I mean no disrespect, but the woman was older and she did not speak English very well. I mentioned, quietly and without any fanfare that I was Momma and that Mommy was at home. She just couldn't get her mind around it. I watch the confusion and the questions that ran through her mind. I waited for follow up questions. They didn't come, though. She just kind of smiled and then went back to watching her children. I'm not sure if she got it, but I am grateful that she didn't try to make me explain in the middle of a crowded mall play area.

See, I don't have any issues with my family and I don't mind that there are many people who don't get it. The thing is, though, is that coming out is really hard to do when you don't know what the response is going to be. The last thing in the world that I want is for Bailey to witness me coming out to a stranger and her seeing discrimination against us. I fear this, even though it rarely happens. Most people just roll with it. Even if you know they disagree with it. Kelly and I are always polite and we don't give people the opportunity to "debate" with us. We just are what we are and as people brush up against our world, they figure it out.

But it's hard. It's hard to constantly have to explain.

I think that is why I prefer to be in the company of gay people...or people that I know already and who are just cool (regardless of orientation). I just hate the feeling of constant vaulnerability that comes with coming out constantly. It is important, it's important to be visable and to not hide. But it's not easy doing constant education of the people around us. Not easy at all.

Quiet New Year

As good as my intentions were to stay up and ring in the New Year this year, I just didn't make it. Kelly and I ended up on the couch, snuggled under a couple of very warm blankets. As we sat there, watching a Travel Channel show about Disney Cruises and holding each other, we both drifted off. We woke about an hour later and realized that we were going to bed. At 10:30, we were upstairs and tucked in tight.

But, it was lovely to fall asleep in my love's arms, so I'm not even a little disappointed.

Today we are 32 weeks pregnant and we are definately antsy and ready for Connor to make his grand arrival. Of course, we hope for a healthy baby and healthy often means a full-term child...so we'll wait. But we're ready.

We made our super-short list this weekend of things we needed to get before he comes. We now have a second baby monitor (he'll be in our room, she'll be in hers...and we need to monitor both). We have bottle liners and nipples for the playtex bottles we'll be using. We have one small can of formula, in case Kelly decides not to breastfeed. We have a soft, organic blanket similar to the one that Bailey has grown to love so much. We have a crib soother that plays music and provides some visual appeal for him. And, we treated ourselves and purchased him his own crib set - a comforter, bumper and dust ruffle. It's very boy (something we would have been completely against with Bailey...but we've grown up now) and very, very cute. When the time for transition happens, the crib will be "his". The only thing left to buy is the stroller. We are going to get one of those sit/stand strollers with a seat for him and a seat or standing pad for her. We are going to wait on that for a while, though. No need yet...

We made our list of things that need to get done as well. It's long, but managable. We feel so much more prepared this time to bring a child into our world. It feels like we are simply making room, rather than completely rearranging. And what a lovely, lovely feeling that is. It comes with very little baggage or worry. We've got this one.

We had our 32 week doctor appointment this morning. Everything is fine - Kelly is up 4 more pounds (for a total of 34). The only excitement came when Dr. Jones measured Kelly's belly. She seemed a bit taken aback and commented that Kelly was measuring very close to 34 centimeters. The number of centimeters should align closely with the number of weeks pregnant. So, she is measuring very close to 2 weeks larger than she "should" be. This is within normal, but at this point in the game, Connor should not be getting that big, that quickly. Of course, it's not a problem...just something to watch out for. She said that if 2 weeks from now, she was still measuring big, they would want for her to get a sizing ultrasound.

Just another holding pattern...

Kelly is feeling every bit a very pregnant woman. To make it worse, the cold that plagued her over Christmas reared it's ugly head again and she is home sick today. The poor girl is a mess! She feels awful and just needs some down time. She'll spend today sleeping and I'll pick up Bailey. It's never enough (you can never get enough sleep pregnant)...but hopefully it'll help.

Happy New Year, everyone!