2009, that is. In my own grand tradition of visiting the dark corners of my life and shining bright, white light on those corners, I have spent the last couple of weeks thinking about what I hope to accomplish in the next year. Here are a few of the ones that I'm willing to share:
1) Partner my wife through her first birth experience.
2) Experience the birth with wide open eyes and fewer expectations than I did with Bailey's birth.
3) Meet my son.
4) Reconcile the competing demands of a newborn child and a toddler in whatever ways that I can.
5) Forgive myself when I fail to be the perfect parent.
6) Stop trying to be a perfect parent.
7) Forgive myself when I fail to stop trying to be a perfect parent.
8) Breathe a bit more.
9) Read better books and less brain candy novels.
10) Drink less Starbucks.
11) Forgive myself when I still indulge in Starbucks nearly every day.
12) Call my friends more.
13) Love myself more.
14) Figure out what the fuck is stopping me from actually losing weight.
15) Stop swearing so fucking much.
16) Try hard not to laugh when Bailey is sassy and acts just like me.
17) Live passionately every day of the year.
18) Spend some period of time in Maine.
19) Deconstruct my fantasy about life and rebuild my hopes and dreams around the reality.
20) Continue to dream about the fantasy.
21) Wash my dishes every night so that when I wake up at 4 AM to relax a bit before the kids and the wife wake up, I'm not stressing about the dishes.
22) Cook more with the stove and less with the microwave.
23) Forgive myself when I cook with the microwave and try not to worry so fucking much about every little decision I make in parenting that has more to do with convenience than perfect parenting.
24) Enjoy the 6-8 weeks I will have off work with Connor.
25) Find a therapist for me and for us.
26) Go to therapy and actually work it, rather than just going.
27) Find time to spend with my wife, no matter what the cost.
28) Leave the kids with sitters a couple of times for wildly extravagent nights of fun that remind me of life before kids.
29) Breathe again. Relax more.
30) Not put 1600 hundred lights on the Christmas tree next year (because, as my mom will tell you, they are a bitch to take off).
12/31/2008
12/30/2008
Send Pregnancy Thoughts
In your free time this week, spend a few minutes and click on over to Mrs. Bluemont's House of Things. These women are working on try #7 and they need all the good energy and vibes that this community has to offer.
All our best, Sarah & Angi. We are rooting for you!
All our best, Sarah & Angi. We are rooting for you!
12/29/2008
Christmas 2008
What a wonderful, beautiful, perfect Christmas it was this year! Bailey had a wonderful time opening her gifts. She started on Christmas Eve and didn't stop until noon on Christmas day. Santa came while we were all sleeping and left a beautiful spread of toys and merry cheer. Christmas morning was lovely, with hot cinnamon rolls, good coffee and lots of love.
Now...on to the New Year!
Now...on to the New Year!
12/23/2008
New Photos
Sometimes, I forget how quickly time flies. Then, I look at these pictures of Bailey and I just can't believe it. She is so grown up. She has finally mastered speaking in full sentences (with correct pronouns most of the time). She can count to 10. We are working on color identification (although she's not really good at it).
And, yesterday she asked if she could sit on the potty to go pee. We, of course, put her up there. She did no go pee, but she tried. And most importantly, she asked. Rather than us pushing, she is doing this on her own. Just like everything else.
We have abandoned the move to the big girl bed for now. She just wasn't comfortable. She was getting out of her bed and banging on her door to get out, while crying for us. She couldn't fall asleep, even with me in the room with her. She just wasn't comfortable. So, we have put her back in her crib for now and will try again in another month. Honestly, she is so young that we are not in the least bit upset or surprised. We just want for her to feel happy and safe, and if she doesn't feel happy or safe in her big girl bed then we will wait until she does.
My mom and Andrea are currently driving to our area. They will be here this afternoon and I CAN'T WAIT!!! This is going to be such a wonderful holiday...
Below, pictures of the new table and chairs that replaced the high chair and our 29 week baby bump. Given that we are almost at 31 week, this is a bit dated. But finding time to post pictures has been rough! Check back for a new one this week!
And, yesterday she asked if she could sit on the potty to go pee. We, of course, put her up there. She did no go pee, but she tried. And most importantly, she asked. Rather than us pushing, she is doing this on her own. Just like everything else.
We have abandoned the move to the big girl bed for now. She just wasn't comfortable. She was getting out of her bed and banging on her door to get out, while crying for us. She couldn't fall asleep, even with me in the room with her. She just wasn't comfortable. So, we have put her back in her crib for now and will try again in another month. Honestly, she is so young that we are not in the least bit upset or surprised. We just want for her to feel happy and safe, and if she doesn't feel happy or safe in her big girl bed then we will wait until she does.
My mom and Andrea are currently driving to our area. They will be here this afternoon and I CAN'T WAIT!!! This is going to be such a wonderful holiday...
Below, pictures of the new table and chairs that replaced the high chair and our 29 week baby bump. Given that we are almost at 31 week, this is a bit dated. But finding time to post pictures has been rough! Check back for a new one this week!
12/20/2008
30 Week Appointment
The 30 week appointment yesterday went well. Kelly had gained an additional 3 pounds, bringing the total to 30 pounds. Her belly is measuring somewhere between 31 and 32 CM (which correlates to weeks pregnant...so to be perfect, she would be measuring 30). They are not concerned about her being a bit big...anywhere in the 2 week range up or down is fine.
The biggest thing is that we talked to our doctor about the continuing Braxton Hicks contractions. She told us to stop worrying and to call them if they got painful or if they increased in frequency per hour. Right now, Kelly is averaging between 6 and 14 BH's a day. At 30 weeks, they are much less worried about that than they were at 28 weeks. At 34 weeks, they wouldn't even try to stop labor. So, every day brings us closer to that magic mark. Should any of the BH's become painful or start coming quicker, we'll respond. Until then, we are just going to try to relax and enjoy the holidays.
Blood pressure was perfect. Heart beat was fast, but perfect. Kelly commented that he had been very active just before the heart rate was taken, so that makes sense.
Everything is as it should be. Now...we just need to get through the next 69 days (if it takes that long...)!
The biggest thing is that we talked to our doctor about the continuing Braxton Hicks contractions. She told us to stop worrying and to call them if they got painful or if they increased in frequency per hour. Right now, Kelly is averaging between 6 and 14 BH's a day. At 30 weeks, they are much less worried about that than they were at 28 weeks. At 34 weeks, they wouldn't even try to stop labor. So, every day brings us closer to that magic mark. Should any of the BH's become painful or start coming quicker, we'll respond. Until then, we are just going to try to relax and enjoy the holidays.
Blood pressure was perfect. Heart beat was fast, but perfect. Kelly commented that he had been very active just before the heart rate was taken, so that makes sense.
Everything is as it should be. Now...we just need to get through the next 69 days (if it takes that long...)!
12/18/2008
Thoughts On Connor
Kelly has entered that stage in pregnancy where the intimacy between birth mother and child grows in extreme proportions. This is the time when Connor is so large that you feel every movement. In many ways, it feels like you're a part of every breath, every thought that the child inside of you may have. He's to the point where, if birthed now, he would look and feel and act like an infant. He would need support, for sure, but he would likely survive without too many complications. This was the time in my pregnancy with Bailey that I transitioned from a pregnant woman to a true mother in the sense that I began to earn for the seperation of us and yet ached at the thought that it would not be me who was the sole support for our daughter. The tug of war between fierce protectiveness and desire to see our child become her own person began.
With it grew the intimacy that can only grow between birth mother and child right now. I am not a part of this journey that my love and my son are taking together. This is theirs, and theirs alone, to share. This is truly what makes the birth mother a different person in the life of the child. There is a connection that is forged at this point that goes beyond choice, beyond thought, beyond reason and beyond doubt.
I say this without jealousy or guilt. I know, because I lived it, that this is not something that a birth mother can share with anyone and it's not something she can articulate. It is mearly something that happens when your every moment is shared by another human being. Connor is a child inside of Kelly, dependant upon her for his survival right now, but working every day to seperate from her.
This is a profound experience for any birth mother, and a process that I feel is as sacred as any religion. For me, this time in my pregnancy was the truest definition of religion that I've ever had.
And it leaves me in a very unfamiliar place. Kelly is, rightfully, fully consumed by Connor. There is a part of her that she guards with passion that is for Bailey. After all, she is her first born and (I have always said this) the truest love of her life. And yet, even her time with Bailey is marked by Connor's presence. As for me, well there is nothing left for me right now. Even as I write this I can sense the bitterness in my words, but honestly, there really is very little bitterness. As a woman and as a wife, I am still very much in need of the things that only Kelly can provide...and it is those things that she cannot provide right now. But as a mother, and more specifically, a birth mother - I understand on a gut level that I am truly secondary and that is exactly as it should be.
My relationship with Connor is yet to be developed. I do not talk about him the way I talked about Bailey when I was pregnant for the very simple reason that I do not know this child. I do not love him any less than I loved Bailey, but I do not know him. My time to bond and develop those understandings of his intimate details will come after birth. I am seperated from him right now and there is no way around that. I dream of him, I imagine his face, his body, his life and how it will entwine with mine. I picture the four of us, bonded by committement to our family and our individual loves for each other. I am preparing for the reality of a second child, both in the real sense and in the emotional ones. I am ready to be the mother of a son and to be changed forever by his presence.
But I cannot speak of him like I know him. Because I do not. I think that my silence on this subject has been misunderstood. I know that Kelly has misunderstood it. I believe that she thinks I am not excited, that I don't anticipate his birth with the same joy and expectation that I anticipated Bailey's birth. That could not be further from the truth. I am as excited as she was for Bailey's birth, and perhaps a bit more. I know what is coming. I know what infancy feels like to the parents. I am prepared with some knowledge and I have transitioned from woman alone to mother. Connor will benefit from those things.
It is true that I am not giddy the same way that I was with Bailey. And I do not feel regret about that. Bailey was our first born, and she will always know that she was our first. We had no idea, and so we romanticized parenting and having a child. We had the benefit of ignorance when I was pregnant with Bailey. None of our excitement was tempered with an understanding of the realities that are part of parenting. We were, in it's purest form, seeing parenting through very rose colored lenses. And that is our gift to her.
What Bailey never had, and what Connor gets, is a much deeper appreciation. I know what is coming and the tidal wave of change that will flood us in just a few months. And still, I want him more than life itself. My love for Connor, if such a profound emotion can be measured, is more honest and heartfelt than my love for Bailey was at this same time in pregnancy. I love Connor with the strength of a mother - a true mother, rather than a woman who is preparing for motherhood the first time. And I wait with anticipation for the babyhood he will bring back to our lives. I have felt a deep grief that I never expected as Bailey has moved from dependent infant into a confident toddler. I have craved the blind faith, trust and need of a new baby. I cannot wait to feel his small head, to cuddle his tiny body in my warmth. I have no words that can describe the joy I feel when I think of his tiny finger and toes and his baby mouth, looking for food.
But these things, these feelings, are speculative. What I had with Bailey was a constant reminder, her never-ending presence that told me it was coming and that the day was fast approaching when the child inside of me would become the child I had dreamed of my entire life. That emotion is reserved for Kelly right now.
With it grew the intimacy that can only grow between birth mother and child right now. I am not a part of this journey that my love and my son are taking together. This is theirs, and theirs alone, to share. This is truly what makes the birth mother a different person in the life of the child. There is a connection that is forged at this point that goes beyond choice, beyond thought, beyond reason and beyond doubt.
I say this without jealousy or guilt. I know, because I lived it, that this is not something that a birth mother can share with anyone and it's not something she can articulate. It is mearly something that happens when your every moment is shared by another human being. Connor is a child inside of Kelly, dependant upon her for his survival right now, but working every day to seperate from her.
This is a profound experience for any birth mother, and a process that I feel is as sacred as any religion. For me, this time in my pregnancy was the truest definition of religion that I've ever had.
And it leaves me in a very unfamiliar place. Kelly is, rightfully, fully consumed by Connor. There is a part of her that she guards with passion that is for Bailey. After all, she is her first born and (I have always said this) the truest love of her life. And yet, even her time with Bailey is marked by Connor's presence. As for me, well there is nothing left for me right now. Even as I write this I can sense the bitterness in my words, but honestly, there really is very little bitterness. As a woman and as a wife, I am still very much in need of the things that only Kelly can provide...and it is those things that she cannot provide right now. But as a mother, and more specifically, a birth mother - I understand on a gut level that I am truly secondary and that is exactly as it should be.
My relationship with Connor is yet to be developed. I do not talk about him the way I talked about Bailey when I was pregnant for the very simple reason that I do not know this child. I do not love him any less than I loved Bailey, but I do not know him. My time to bond and develop those understandings of his intimate details will come after birth. I am seperated from him right now and there is no way around that. I dream of him, I imagine his face, his body, his life and how it will entwine with mine. I picture the four of us, bonded by committement to our family and our individual loves for each other. I am preparing for the reality of a second child, both in the real sense and in the emotional ones. I am ready to be the mother of a son and to be changed forever by his presence.
But I cannot speak of him like I know him. Because I do not. I think that my silence on this subject has been misunderstood. I know that Kelly has misunderstood it. I believe that she thinks I am not excited, that I don't anticipate his birth with the same joy and expectation that I anticipated Bailey's birth. That could not be further from the truth. I am as excited as she was for Bailey's birth, and perhaps a bit more. I know what is coming. I know what infancy feels like to the parents. I am prepared with some knowledge and I have transitioned from woman alone to mother. Connor will benefit from those things.
It is true that I am not giddy the same way that I was with Bailey. And I do not feel regret about that. Bailey was our first born, and she will always know that she was our first. We had no idea, and so we romanticized parenting and having a child. We had the benefit of ignorance when I was pregnant with Bailey. None of our excitement was tempered with an understanding of the realities that are part of parenting. We were, in it's purest form, seeing parenting through very rose colored lenses. And that is our gift to her.
What Bailey never had, and what Connor gets, is a much deeper appreciation. I know what is coming and the tidal wave of change that will flood us in just a few months. And still, I want him more than life itself. My love for Connor, if such a profound emotion can be measured, is more honest and heartfelt than my love for Bailey was at this same time in pregnancy. I love Connor with the strength of a mother - a true mother, rather than a woman who is preparing for motherhood the first time. And I wait with anticipation for the babyhood he will bring back to our lives. I have felt a deep grief that I never expected as Bailey has moved from dependent infant into a confident toddler. I have craved the blind faith, trust and need of a new baby. I cannot wait to feel his small head, to cuddle his tiny body in my warmth. I have no words that can describe the joy I feel when I think of his tiny finger and toes and his baby mouth, looking for food.
But these things, these feelings, are speculative. What I had with Bailey was a constant reminder, her never-ending presence that told me it was coming and that the day was fast approaching when the child inside of me would become the child I had dreamed of my entire life. That emotion is reserved for Kelly right now.
12/17/2008
Apology
I have to apologies for all of you who read this blog and have been dealing with my silence in the past couple of months. I don't know how many of your are out there, but I am sorry that my usual ranting, sharing and raving has been quiet recently.
The thing of it is, my head and my heart are as active as usual. In the past few months, I have been busy in the deepest parts of my heart and the scariest areas of my head. And none of the work that I have been doing in those places is fit to be shared in a forum like this.
Because of who I am, I can't NOT share if I start to open my mouth...and so I have remained silent. As with just about everything, when something is rattling around, it consumes me and there is very little else that I see.
While the thoughts of the past few months are still in there, still rattling and causing momentary disconnections from my daily life, I have found a peace with what has been going on and I feel more comfortable to get back to my usual ranting, sharing and raving. I hope you've been patient with me through this.
Sooo...with that said, let's move on, shall we?
We are transitioning Bailey to her big girl bed. We have a twin bed on the floor of her bedroom with two side rails that my boss donated to the cause (which is great, since each one costs about $100). The first night we tried (last Friday), Bailey would have none of it. We didn't push and let her sleep in her crib after about 45 minutes of effort. When it turned negative, we stopped. We don't want her to have negative feelings about her bed. Saturday night was like a different story. We put her down, she fell asleep and stayed there all night long. At 7:30 the next morning (LATE for Bailey), we ended up waking her up. Sunday and Monday nights were a repeat of Friday. She struggled for about 45 minutes each night, until we moved her into her crib where she fell promptly to sleep.
And then last night, we had a break through. We laid her down on her bed, turned on her Neptune (a music playing, light up "crib toy" that she absolutely loves), gave her the doggy, cookie monster and rag that she must sleep with every night, let her have her binky and then left after our usual goodnights and I love yous. She was awake when we left and did not spring up out of her bed the second we made a move towards the door. She laid, snuggled into that big ass bed and fell asleep. Or at least, I assume...because we didn't hear from her again until 5 AM this morning. She woke up and needed some reassurance. I hugged her for a few minutes and then put her back in her bed. She fell back asleep until I had to wake her up for school.
Last night felt different than all the other nights. She seemed comfortable with her bed, in a way that she hasn't seemed yet. I think last night was the sweet spot and we'll have relatively smooth sailing from here. I hope anyway. This weekend, we will remove the crib and changing table entirely from her room and take away the option for her and the out for us. That will be the true test.
You might be wondering why we are transitioning her so early...and the simple fact is that while Bailey is only 19 months in age, she is much older in progression. The other reality is that we have a baby coming right around the time that she would probably start to climb out of her crib and need to transition. And we can't do it all at once. We need for Bailey to be settled in her bed and sleeping well when Connor comes home...because we will not be settled into our beds or sleeping well at that time. Bailey is ready for this...and even if it seems too soon, we know her and we know that this is the right time.
Speaking of Bailey's development...recently we have gotten a lot of comments about how advanced she is. Her teacher at school, who has been working with kids most of her adult life and she is an older woman, told me the other day that she has never worked with a child like Bailey. Another of the teachers told me that we should get her IQ tested. Everyone who comes in contact with her comments on her verbal skills and her development. Even her doctor is shocked every time we go in for our check ups.
And all of this is wonderful...and it's a bit difficult to the parent of a child that people make such a fuss about. Don't get me wrong - we are very, very proud of Bailey. We give ourselves some of the credit for her development - afterall, we have spent hours of our time giving to Bailey what we think she needs to thrive and she is thriving. We also recognize that much of this is just that Bailey is a smart kid and that she was born big, giving her a size advantage (which has translated into being placed with older kids her entire life. And older kids = better language and fine motor skills). In other words, she has always been surrounded by kids that are a few stages ahead of her...so it stands to reason that she would be a few stages ahead.
With all of that said, it's tough because the other reality is that Bailey is 19 months old. She is just a kid. Sure, she has great language development, but that doesn't mean that she always will. Right now, Bailey is potential in its purest form. She and we have made the right decisions for her so far, but that doesn't mean that we always will or that she will always be so eager to learn and develop. In other words, she might be ahead of the curve now...but that means nothing, except that she is ahead of the curve right now.
It's hard to say that, because people don't understand. They think we are being modest...and we're not. We just know that Bailey is just a child. She is a child with two very dedicated parents...and she is a child with a lifetime of choices ahead of her. Brilliance is only brilliant if it is chosen, and she will have to choose that on her own.
As for Connor, he will be who he is going to be. We have no expectations of him beyond that he will be cared for with the same love and dedication as we care for Bailey. And we hope he will thrive in that environment, whatever "thrive" means for him.
So anyway.
We have our 30 week doctor's appointment on Friday, followed by Kelly's holiday party. Wednesday morning my mom and my best friend arrive for the holidays and then it's back to life as normal!
I can't wait for Christmas this year...we have many suprises for Bailey and it's going to be incredibly festive to share Christmas with my family.
The thing of it is, my head and my heart are as active as usual. In the past few months, I have been busy in the deepest parts of my heart and the scariest areas of my head. And none of the work that I have been doing in those places is fit to be shared in a forum like this.
Because of who I am, I can't NOT share if I start to open my mouth...and so I have remained silent. As with just about everything, when something is rattling around, it consumes me and there is very little else that I see.
While the thoughts of the past few months are still in there, still rattling and causing momentary disconnections from my daily life, I have found a peace with what has been going on and I feel more comfortable to get back to my usual ranting, sharing and raving. I hope you've been patient with me through this.
Sooo...with that said, let's move on, shall we?
We are transitioning Bailey to her big girl bed. We have a twin bed on the floor of her bedroom with two side rails that my boss donated to the cause (which is great, since each one costs about $100). The first night we tried (last Friday), Bailey would have none of it. We didn't push and let her sleep in her crib after about 45 minutes of effort. When it turned negative, we stopped. We don't want her to have negative feelings about her bed. Saturday night was like a different story. We put her down, she fell asleep and stayed there all night long. At 7:30 the next morning (LATE for Bailey), we ended up waking her up. Sunday and Monday nights were a repeat of Friday. She struggled for about 45 minutes each night, until we moved her into her crib where she fell promptly to sleep.
And then last night, we had a break through. We laid her down on her bed, turned on her Neptune (a music playing, light up "crib toy" that she absolutely loves), gave her the doggy, cookie monster and rag that she must sleep with every night, let her have her binky and then left after our usual goodnights and I love yous. She was awake when we left and did not spring up out of her bed the second we made a move towards the door. She laid, snuggled into that big ass bed and fell asleep. Or at least, I assume...because we didn't hear from her again until 5 AM this morning. She woke up and needed some reassurance. I hugged her for a few minutes and then put her back in her bed. She fell back asleep until I had to wake her up for school.
Last night felt different than all the other nights. She seemed comfortable with her bed, in a way that she hasn't seemed yet. I think last night was the sweet spot and we'll have relatively smooth sailing from here. I hope anyway. This weekend, we will remove the crib and changing table entirely from her room and take away the option for her and the out for us. That will be the true test.
You might be wondering why we are transitioning her so early...and the simple fact is that while Bailey is only 19 months in age, she is much older in progression. The other reality is that we have a baby coming right around the time that she would probably start to climb out of her crib and need to transition. And we can't do it all at once. We need for Bailey to be settled in her bed and sleeping well when Connor comes home...because we will not be settled into our beds or sleeping well at that time. Bailey is ready for this...and even if it seems too soon, we know her and we know that this is the right time.
Speaking of Bailey's development...recently we have gotten a lot of comments about how advanced she is. Her teacher at school, who has been working with kids most of her adult life and she is an older woman, told me the other day that she has never worked with a child like Bailey. Another of the teachers told me that we should get her IQ tested. Everyone who comes in contact with her comments on her verbal skills and her development. Even her doctor is shocked every time we go in for our check ups.
And all of this is wonderful...and it's a bit difficult to the parent of a child that people make such a fuss about. Don't get me wrong - we are very, very proud of Bailey. We give ourselves some of the credit for her development - afterall, we have spent hours of our time giving to Bailey what we think she needs to thrive and she is thriving. We also recognize that much of this is just that Bailey is a smart kid and that she was born big, giving her a size advantage (which has translated into being placed with older kids her entire life. And older kids = better language and fine motor skills). In other words, she has always been surrounded by kids that are a few stages ahead of her...so it stands to reason that she would be a few stages ahead.
With all of that said, it's tough because the other reality is that Bailey is 19 months old. She is just a kid. Sure, she has great language development, but that doesn't mean that she always will. Right now, Bailey is potential in its purest form. She and we have made the right decisions for her so far, but that doesn't mean that we always will or that she will always be so eager to learn and develop. In other words, she might be ahead of the curve now...but that means nothing, except that she is ahead of the curve right now.
It's hard to say that, because people don't understand. They think we are being modest...and we're not. We just know that Bailey is just a child. She is a child with two very dedicated parents...and she is a child with a lifetime of choices ahead of her. Brilliance is only brilliant if it is chosen, and she will have to choose that on her own.
As for Connor, he will be who he is going to be. We have no expectations of him beyond that he will be cared for with the same love and dedication as we care for Bailey. And we hope he will thrive in that environment, whatever "thrive" means for him.
So anyway.
We have our 30 week doctor's appointment on Friday, followed by Kelly's holiday party. Wednesday morning my mom and my best friend arrive for the holidays and then it's back to life as normal!
I can't wait for Christmas this year...we have many suprises for Bailey and it's going to be incredibly festive to share Christmas with my family.
12/09/2008
Too Fast
I never thought that I would say it (or think it)...but Bailey is growing up too fast, damn it!
This weekend, her high chair was dismantled and put in the garage (to be transported to the shed, along with all the other shit we haven't transported to the shed). In it's place as mini table and two chairs have been placed. She now eats there, at her table (with Santa, ironically).
This coming weekend, her crib will be taken apart and sent to the shed to wait for Connor and her changing table will be moved into our room to wait for Connor (he's going to sleep in a pack and play for a while). In place of the crib and changing table will go a twin bed and boxspring, placed on the floor. We will have bed rails...but still. It's a real bed.
About a week and a half ago, the pacifier finally disapeared from Bailey's life, except while she is in her crib.
Her molars are finally coming in.
She is close to growing out of her 3T clothes and size 6 sneakers.
She is able to verbalized what she needs and she has desires and preferences that are different than ours.
Her baby fat, the cute little roll right at the top of each leg, is nearly gone.
Her baby belly, the one that stuck out so prominently, is flat and smooth now, as she grows taller and thinner.
Her hair is long enough to be put into a pony tail or pigtails...depending on my mood.
She expresses preferences about her clothing.
She has learned, and uses liberally, the word "no".
Where did our baby go? You know, the one who drove me crazy and make me think I was going out of my mind? Where did she go, damn it??? Why did I ever think I wanted that time to be over???
I'm so happy Connor will be here soon. I want another baby.
This weekend, her high chair was dismantled and put in the garage (to be transported to the shed, along with all the other shit we haven't transported to the shed). In it's place as mini table and two chairs have been placed. She now eats there, at her table (with Santa, ironically).
This coming weekend, her crib will be taken apart and sent to the shed to wait for Connor and her changing table will be moved into our room to wait for Connor (he's going to sleep in a pack and play for a while). In place of the crib and changing table will go a twin bed and boxspring, placed on the floor. We will have bed rails...but still. It's a real bed.
About a week and a half ago, the pacifier finally disapeared from Bailey's life, except while she is in her crib.
Her molars are finally coming in.
She is close to growing out of her 3T clothes and size 6 sneakers.
She is able to verbalized what she needs and she has desires and preferences that are different than ours.
Her baby fat, the cute little roll right at the top of each leg, is nearly gone.
Her baby belly, the one that stuck out so prominently, is flat and smooth now, as she grows taller and thinner.
Her hair is long enough to be put into a pony tail or pigtails...depending on my mood.
She expresses preferences about her clothing.
She has learned, and uses liberally, the word "no".
Where did our baby go? You know, the one who drove me crazy and make me think I was going out of my mind? Where did she go, damn it??? Why did I ever think I wanted that time to be over???
I'm so happy Connor will be here soon. I want another baby.
12/05/2008
Really...I Shouldn't
I shouldn't post, because I have too much to do at work. There is always too much to do. My life is a constant stream of "need to" and "have to" and "can't get to".
Anyway.
We are 28 weeks pregnant! We had a minor glitch at the doctor's office this morning for our 28 week check up. Kelly has been having braxton hicks contractions regularly. And when I say regularly, I mean around 15 a day. They are classic - short, no pain - but still contractions. When we told our doctor this, just to check and make sure that wasn't too many (I never had them...or at least, never felt them), she was extremely concerned. Said that was way to many BH contractions at this point. She did an internal exam and Kelly's cervix is long and strong...exactly as it should be at 28 weeks pregnant. She also did a swab to test for a protien that is released. A negative test for the protien is what we were hoping for (that means that they can predict with 99% certainty that Kelly will not go into labor in the next 2 weeks). We got our negative test.
So, for now anyway, Kelly's uterus is just an overachiever.
Let's keep it that way until Connor has baked just a bit longer, shall we?
Other than the BH contractions, this are going fine. Kelly has gained 27 pounds so far, which Dr. Jones said was fantastic. A far cry from what our other doctor said two weeks ago. But whatever. Kelly had her glucose tolerance test this morning, and her body was not happy with her. She vomitted (violently) for the first time since 17 weeks pregnant. It sucked for her. Bad. But, she got the drink down and hopefully those numbers will be low too. We don't want the 3 hour test.
Sleep remains the biggest issue in Kelly's world right now. She can't get enough and she certainly doesn't. She should be sleeping between 10-12 hours a day...and she's getting between 6-8 on a good day. She's exhausted constantly, which brings its own brand of crap. I think the exhaustion adds to the emotional response to pregnancy. She's just tired and it makes her feel worn out from the soul out all the time. There is nothing I can do. She already goes to bed as early as she can and gets up as late as she can. There is no time for napping. It's the roughest part of this pregnancy.
But Connor is growing just as he should. Kelly measured perfectly (one week bigger than she should be), but that is normal. He is kicking as he should. It's looking like it's going to be a fine pregnancy...provided that those pesky BH contractions don't become an issue.
Bailey is doing well. She has developed a love affair with the word "no". She will always answer no first, and then might change her mind a second later and answer yes. It's as annoying as it is cute. She is all about challenging the rules right now. I tell her it's time to get dressed and she runs away saying no. Kelly tells her to stop and she keeps going. She's throwing fits as well - loud, arm-flinging, red face, screaming fits. If she could tell us to fuck off, she would. She HATES it when anyone tells her she can't do something. Nothing sets her off quicker than being told that I can't pick her up in any given moment. I think she believes that my arms are her right, and when I try to assert that there are moments when I need space (or just time to rinse my hands free of dish soap), she gets very, very angry. It's forshadowing for what she is going to be like when Connor gets here. We are practicing waiting...but she hates it. And she's loud when she doesn't like something.
We took her pacifier away, finally. I got pissed one night and just took it from her. She still has it in her crib, but it is now left in her crib. The night that I did that, she threw a 2 hour fit. None since then.
It is always a battle of the wills with Bailey. Always. She just never does anything easily. I'm not surprised. I'm like that too. I'm hot or cold. But never warm. Never just easy. She's so much like me it's scary somtimes.
We don't battle her. We just walk away and explain quietly that when she is ready to communicate in a meaningful way, we can talk. Until then, she can throw her fit alone. And she does. She runs, screams, yells. And eventually calms down. And then we deal with whatever the issue is. Sometimes we do this multiple times an evening. Sometimes, she doesn't fight us.
This is good...it's appropriate development (she's a bit early with it, but she has always been a bit early). It's frustrating and heartening to see your child develop as she should.
We're transitioning her out of her crib in the next week. We have the mattress and box spring. We'll put it on the floor. We got warm flannel sheets and a light quilt for her bed. My boss is giving us bedrails that she used with her kids. We'll make the transition next weekend.
It's just one more step in Bailey's life. God, it's moving quickly.
And Kelly and I? We're fine. "We" are lost in parenting and pregnancy. Right now, we're playing on the same team, but that's about it. There isn't time for us and even if there were time, there isn't energy. We're back to the blind faith - believing that our love is strong enough to get through this and waiting until we don't have to believe anymore. We'll find each other again...
Happy Friday. I can't wait for the weekend.
Anyway.
We are 28 weeks pregnant! We had a minor glitch at the doctor's office this morning for our 28 week check up. Kelly has been having braxton hicks contractions regularly. And when I say regularly, I mean around 15 a day. They are classic - short, no pain - but still contractions. When we told our doctor this, just to check and make sure that wasn't too many (I never had them...or at least, never felt them), she was extremely concerned. Said that was way to many BH contractions at this point. She did an internal exam and Kelly's cervix is long and strong...exactly as it should be at 28 weeks pregnant. She also did a swab to test for a protien that is released. A negative test for the protien is what we were hoping for (that means that they can predict with 99% certainty that Kelly will not go into labor in the next 2 weeks). We got our negative test.
So, for now anyway, Kelly's uterus is just an overachiever.
Let's keep it that way until Connor has baked just a bit longer, shall we?
Other than the BH contractions, this are going fine. Kelly has gained 27 pounds so far, which Dr. Jones said was fantastic. A far cry from what our other doctor said two weeks ago. But whatever. Kelly had her glucose tolerance test this morning, and her body was not happy with her. She vomitted (violently) for the first time since 17 weeks pregnant. It sucked for her. Bad. But, she got the drink down and hopefully those numbers will be low too. We don't want the 3 hour test.
Sleep remains the biggest issue in Kelly's world right now. She can't get enough and she certainly doesn't. She should be sleeping between 10-12 hours a day...and she's getting between 6-8 on a good day. She's exhausted constantly, which brings its own brand of crap. I think the exhaustion adds to the emotional response to pregnancy. She's just tired and it makes her feel worn out from the soul out all the time. There is nothing I can do. She already goes to bed as early as she can and gets up as late as she can. There is no time for napping. It's the roughest part of this pregnancy.
But Connor is growing just as he should. Kelly measured perfectly (one week bigger than she should be), but that is normal. He is kicking as he should. It's looking like it's going to be a fine pregnancy...provided that those pesky BH contractions don't become an issue.
Bailey is doing well. She has developed a love affair with the word "no". She will always answer no first, and then might change her mind a second later and answer yes. It's as annoying as it is cute. She is all about challenging the rules right now. I tell her it's time to get dressed and she runs away saying no. Kelly tells her to stop and she keeps going. She's throwing fits as well - loud, arm-flinging, red face, screaming fits. If she could tell us to fuck off, she would. She HATES it when anyone tells her she can't do something. Nothing sets her off quicker than being told that I can't pick her up in any given moment. I think she believes that my arms are her right, and when I try to assert that there are moments when I need space (or just time to rinse my hands free of dish soap), she gets very, very angry. It's forshadowing for what she is going to be like when Connor gets here. We are practicing waiting...but she hates it. And she's loud when she doesn't like something.
We took her pacifier away, finally. I got pissed one night and just took it from her. She still has it in her crib, but it is now left in her crib. The night that I did that, she threw a 2 hour fit. None since then.
It is always a battle of the wills with Bailey. Always. She just never does anything easily. I'm not surprised. I'm like that too. I'm hot or cold. But never warm. Never just easy. She's so much like me it's scary somtimes.
We don't battle her. We just walk away and explain quietly that when she is ready to communicate in a meaningful way, we can talk. Until then, she can throw her fit alone. And she does. She runs, screams, yells. And eventually calms down. And then we deal with whatever the issue is. Sometimes we do this multiple times an evening. Sometimes, she doesn't fight us.
This is good...it's appropriate development (she's a bit early with it, but she has always been a bit early). It's frustrating and heartening to see your child develop as she should.
We're transitioning her out of her crib in the next week. We have the mattress and box spring. We'll put it on the floor. We got warm flannel sheets and a light quilt for her bed. My boss is giving us bedrails that she used with her kids. We'll make the transition next weekend.
It's just one more step in Bailey's life. God, it's moving quickly.
And Kelly and I? We're fine. "We" are lost in parenting and pregnancy. Right now, we're playing on the same team, but that's about it. There isn't time for us and even if there were time, there isn't energy. We're back to the blind faith - believing that our love is strong enough to get through this and waiting until we don't have to believe anymore. We'll find each other again...
Happy Friday. I can't wait for the weekend.
12/03/2008
Got No Time
Sorry for the silence. I've got no time to write and too much going on in my head to have the energy to try to put it all out there.
We're all here, enjoying the holidays and muddling through. More later.
We're all here, enjoying the holidays and muddling through. More later.
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