2009, that is. In my own grand tradition of visiting the dark corners of my life and shining bright, white light on those corners, I have spent the last couple of weeks thinking about what I hope to accomplish in the next year. Here are a few of the ones that I'm willing to share:
1) Partner my wife through her first birth experience.
2) Experience the birth with wide open eyes and fewer expectations than I did with Bailey's birth.
3) Meet my son.
4) Reconcile the competing demands of a newborn child and a toddler in whatever ways that I can.
5) Forgive myself when I fail to be the perfect parent.
6) Stop trying to be a perfect parent.
7) Forgive myself when I fail to stop trying to be a perfect parent.
8) Breathe a bit more.
9) Read better books and less brain candy novels.
10) Drink less Starbucks.
11) Forgive myself when I still indulge in Starbucks nearly every day.
12) Call my friends more.
13) Love myself more.
14) Figure out what the fuck is stopping me from actually losing weight.
15) Stop swearing so fucking much.
16) Try hard not to laugh when Bailey is sassy and acts just like me.
17) Live passionately every day of the year.
18) Spend some period of time in Maine.
19) Deconstruct my fantasy about life and rebuild my hopes and dreams around the reality.
20) Continue to dream about the fantasy.
21) Wash my dishes every night so that when I wake up at 4 AM to relax a bit before the kids and the wife wake up, I'm not stressing about the dishes.
22) Cook more with the stove and less with the microwave.
23) Forgive myself when I cook with the microwave and try not to worry so fucking much about every little decision I make in parenting that has more to do with convenience than perfect parenting.
24) Enjoy the 6-8 weeks I will have off work with Connor.
25) Find a therapist for me and for us.
26) Go to therapy and actually work it, rather than just going.
27) Find time to spend with my wife, no matter what the cost.
28) Leave the kids with sitters a couple of times for wildly extravagent nights of fun that remind me of life before kids.
29) Breathe again. Relax more.
30) Not put 1600 hundred lights on the Christmas tree next year (because, as my mom will tell you, they are a bitch to take off).
12/31/2008
12/30/2008
Send Pregnancy Thoughts
In your free time this week, spend a few minutes and click on over to Mrs. Bluemont's House of Things. These women are working on try #7 and they need all the good energy and vibes that this community has to offer.
All our best, Sarah & Angi. We are rooting for you!
All our best, Sarah & Angi. We are rooting for you!
12/29/2008
Christmas 2008
What a wonderful, beautiful, perfect Christmas it was this year! Bailey had a wonderful time opening her gifts. She started on Christmas Eve and didn't stop until noon on Christmas day. Santa came while we were all sleeping and left a beautiful spread of toys and merry cheer. Christmas morning was lovely, with hot cinnamon rolls, good coffee and lots of love.
Now...on to the New Year!
Now...on to the New Year!
12/23/2008
New Photos
Sometimes, I forget how quickly time flies. Then, I look at these pictures of Bailey and I just can't believe it. She is so grown up. She has finally mastered speaking in full sentences (with correct pronouns most of the time). She can count to 10. We are working on color identification (although she's not really good at it).
And, yesterday she asked if she could sit on the potty to go pee. We, of course, put her up there. She did no go pee, but she tried. And most importantly, she asked. Rather than us pushing, she is doing this on her own. Just like everything else.
We have abandoned the move to the big girl bed for now. She just wasn't comfortable. She was getting out of her bed and banging on her door to get out, while crying for us. She couldn't fall asleep, even with me in the room with her. She just wasn't comfortable. So, we have put her back in her crib for now and will try again in another month. Honestly, she is so young that we are not in the least bit upset or surprised. We just want for her to feel happy and safe, and if she doesn't feel happy or safe in her big girl bed then we will wait until she does.
My mom and Andrea are currently driving to our area. They will be here this afternoon and I CAN'T WAIT!!! This is going to be such a wonderful holiday...
Below, pictures of the new table and chairs that replaced the high chair and our 29 week baby bump. Given that we are almost at 31 week, this is a bit dated. But finding time to post pictures has been rough! Check back for a new one this week!
And, yesterday she asked if she could sit on the potty to go pee. We, of course, put her up there. She did no go pee, but she tried. And most importantly, she asked. Rather than us pushing, she is doing this on her own. Just like everything else.
We have abandoned the move to the big girl bed for now. She just wasn't comfortable. She was getting out of her bed and banging on her door to get out, while crying for us. She couldn't fall asleep, even with me in the room with her. She just wasn't comfortable. So, we have put her back in her crib for now and will try again in another month. Honestly, she is so young that we are not in the least bit upset or surprised. We just want for her to feel happy and safe, and if she doesn't feel happy or safe in her big girl bed then we will wait until she does.
My mom and Andrea are currently driving to our area. They will be here this afternoon and I CAN'T WAIT!!! This is going to be such a wonderful holiday...
Below, pictures of the new table and chairs that replaced the high chair and our 29 week baby bump. Given that we are almost at 31 week, this is a bit dated. But finding time to post pictures has been rough! Check back for a new one this week!
12/20/2008
30 Week Appointment
The 30 week appointment yesterday went well. Kelly had gained an additional 3 pounds, bringing the total to 30 pounds. Her belly is measuring somewhere between 31 and 32 CM (which correlates to weeks pregnant...so to be perfect, she would be measuring 30). They are not concerned about her being a bit big...anywhere in the 2 week range up or down is fine.
The biggest thing is that we talked to our doctor about the continuing Braxton Hicks contractions. She told us to stop worrying and to call them if they got painful or if they increased in frequency per hour. Right now, Kelly is averaging between 6 and 14 BH's a day. At 30 weeks, they are much less worried about that than they were at 28 weeks. At 34 weeks, they wouldn't even try to stop labor. So, every day brings us closer to that magic mark. Should any of the BH's become painful or start coming quicker, we'll respond. Until then, we are just going to try to relax and enjoy the holidays.
Blood pressure was perfect. Heart beat was fast, but perfect. Kelly commented that he had been very active just before the heart rate was taken, so that makes sense.
Everything is as it should be. Now...we just need to get through the next 69 days (if it takes that long...)!
The biggest thing is that we talked to our doctor about the continuing Braxton Hicks contractions. She told us to stop worrying and to call them if they got painful or if they increased in frequency per hour. Right now, Kelly is averaging between 6 and 14 BH's a day. At 30 weeks, they are much less worried about that than they were at 28 weeks. At 34 weeks, they wouldn't even try to stop labor. So, every day brings us closer to that magic mark. Should any of the BH's become painful or start coming quicker, we'll respond. Until then, we are just going to try to relax and enjoy the holidays.
Blood pressure was perfect. Heart beat was fast, but perfect. Kelly commented that he had been very active just before the heart rate was taken, so that makes sense.
Everything is as it should be. Now...we just need to get through the next 69 days (if it takes that long...)!
12/18/2008
Thoughts On Connor
Kelly has entered that stage in pregnancy where the intimacy between birth mother and child grows in extreme proportions. This is the time when Connor is so large that you feel every movement. In many ways, it feels like you're a part of every breath, every thought that the child inside of you may have. He's to the point where, if birthed now, he would look and feel and act like an infant. He would need support, for sure, but he would likely survive without too many complications. This was the time in my pregnancy with Bailey that I transitioned from a pregnant woman to a true mother in the sense that I began to earn for the seperation of us and yet ached at the thought that it would not be me who was the sole support for our daughter. The tug of war between fierce protectiveness and desire to see our child become her own person began.
With it grew the intimacy that can only grow between birth mother and child right now. I am not a part of this journey that my love and my son are taking together. This is theirs, and theirs alone, to share. This is truly what makes the birth mother a different person in the life of the child. There is a connection that is forged at this point that goes beyond choice, beyond thought, beyond reason and beyond doubt.
I say this without jealousy or guilt. I know, because I lived it, that this is not something that a birth mother can share with anyone and it's not something she can articulate. It is mearly something that happens when your every moment is shared by another human being. Connor is a child inside of Kelly, dependant upon her for his survival right now, but working every day to seperate from her.
This is a profound experience for any birth mother, and a process that I feel is as sacred as any religion. For me, this time in my pregnancy was the truest definition of religion that I've ever had.
And it leaves me in a very unfamiliar place. Kelly is, rightfully, fully consumed by Connor. There is a part of her that she guards with passion that is for Bailey. After all, she is her first born and (I have always said this) the truest love of her life. And yet, even her time with Bailey is marked by Connor's presence. As for me, well there is nothing left for me right now. Even as I write this I can sense the bitterness in my words, but honestly, there really is very little bitterness. As a woman and as a wife, I am still very much in need of the things that only Kelly can provide...and it is those things that she cannot provide right now. But as a mother, and more specifically, a birth mother - I understand on a gut level that I am truly secondary and that is exactly as it should be.
My relationship with Connor is yet to be developed. I do not talk about him the way I talked about Bailey when I was pregnant for the very simple reason that I do not know this child. I do not love him any less than I loved Bailey, but I do not know him. My time to bond and develop those understandings of his intimate details will come after birth. I am seperated from him right now and there is no way around that. I dream of him, I imagine his face, his body, his life and how it will entwine with mine. I picture the four of us, bonded by committement to our family and our individual loves for each other. I am preparing for the reality of a second child, both in the real sense and in the emotional ones. I am ready to be the mother of a son and to be changed forever by his presence.
But I cannot speak of him like I know him. Because I do not. I think that my silence on this subject has been misunderstood. I know that Kelly has misunderstood it. I believe that she thinks I am not excited, that I don't anticipate his birth with the same joy and expectation that I anticipated Bailey's birth. That could not be further from the truth. I am as excited as she was for Bailey's birth, and perhaps a bit more. I know what is coming. I know what infancy feels like to the parents. I am prepared with some knowledge and I have transitioned from woman alone to mother. Connor will benefit from those things.
It is true that I am not giddy the same way that I was with Bailey. And I do not feel regret about that. Bailey was our first born, and she will always know that she was our first. We had no idea, and so we romanticized parenting and having a child. We had the benefit of ignorance when I was pregnant with Bailey. None of our excitement was tempered with an understanding of the realities that are part of parenting. We were, in it's purest form, seeing parenting through very rose colored lenses. And that is our gift to her.
What Bailey never had, and what Connor gets, is a much deeper appreciation. I know what is coming and the tidal wave of change that will flood us in just a few months. And still, I want him more than life itself. My love for Connor, if such a profound emotion can be measured, is more honest and heartfelt than my love for Bailey was at this same time in pregnancy. I love Connor with the strength of a mother - a true mother, rather than a woman who is preparing for motherhood the first time. And I wait with anticipation for the babyhood he will bring back to our lives. I have felt a deep grief that I never expected as Bailey has moved from dependent infant into a confident toddler. I have craved the blind faith, trust and need of a new baby. I cannot wait to feel his small head, to cuddle his tiny body in my warmth. I have no words that can describe the joy I feel when I think of his tiny finger and toes and his baby mouth, looking for food.
But these things, these feelings, are speculative. What I had with Bailey was a constant reminder, her never-ending presence that told me it was coming and that the day was fast approaching when the child inside of me would become the child I had dreamed of my entire life. That emotion is reserved for Kelly right now.
With it grew the intimacy that can only grow between birth mother and child right now. I am not a part of this journey that my love and my son are taking together. This is theirs, and theirs alone, to share. This is truly what makes the birth mother a different person in the life of the child. There is a connection that is forged at this point that goes beyond choice, beyond thought, beyond reason and beyond doubt.
I say this without jealousy or guilt. I know, because I lived it, that this is not something that a birth mother can share with anyone and it's not something she can articulate. It is mearly something that happens when your every moment is shared by another human being. Connor is a child inside of Kelly, dependant upon her for his survival right now, but working every day to seperate from her.
This is a profound experience for any birth mother, and a process that I feel is as sacred as any religion. For me, this time in my pregnancy was the truest definition of religion that I've ever had.
And it leaves me in a very unfamiliar place. Kelly is, rightfully, fully consumed by Connor. There is a part of her that she guards with passion that is for Bailey. After all, she is her first born and (I have always said this) the truest love of her life. And yet, even her time with Bailey is marked by Connor's presence. As for me, well there is nothing left for me right now. Even as I write this I can sense the bitterness in my words, but honestly, there really is very little bitterness. As a woman and as a wife, I am still very much in need of the things that only Kelly can provide...and it is those things that she cannot provide right now. But as a mother, and more specifically, a birth mother - I understand on a gut level that I am truly secondary and that is exactly as it should be.
My relationship with Connor is yet to be developed. I do not talk about him the way I talked about Bailey when I was pregnant for the very simple reason that I do not know this child. I do not love him any less than I loved Bailey, but I do not know him. My time to bond and develop those understandings of his intimate details will come after birth. I am seperated from him right now and there is no way around that. I dream of him, I imagine his face, his body, his life and how it will entwine with mine. I picture the four of us, bonded by committement to our family and our individual loves for each other. I am preparing for the reality of a second child, both in the real sense and in the emotional ones. I am ready to be the mother of a son and to be changed forever by his presence.
But I cannot speak of him like I know him. Because I do not. I think that my silence on this subject has been misunderstood. I know that Kelly has misunderstood it. I believe that she thinks I am not excited, that I don't anticipate his birth with the same joy and expectation that I anticipated Bailey's birth. That could not be further from the truth. I am as excited as she was for Bailey's birth, and perhaps a bit more. I know what is coming. I know what infancy feels like to the parents. I am prepared with some knowledge and I have transitioned from woman alone to mother. Connor will benefit from those things.
It is true that I am not giddy the same way that I was with Bailey. And I do not feel regret about that. Bailey was our first born, and she will always know that she was our first. We had no idea, and so we romanticized parenting and having a child. We had the benefit of ignorance when I was pregnant with Bailey. None of our excitement was tempered with an understanding of the realities that are part of parenting. We were, in it's purest form, seeing parenting through very rose colored lenses. And that is our gift to her.
What Bailey never had, and what Connor gets, is a much deeper appreciation. I know what is coming and the tidal wave of change that will flood us in just a few months. And still, I want him more than life itself. My love for Connor, if such a profound emotion can be measured, is more honest and heartfelt than my love for Bailey was at this same time in pregnancy. I love Connor with the strength of a mother - a true mother, rather than a woman who is preparing for motherhood the first time. And I wait with anticipation for the babyhood he will bring back to our lives. I have felt a deep grief that I never expected as Bailey has moved from dependent infant into a confident toddler. I have craved the blind faith, trust and need of a new baby. I cannot wait to feel his small head, to cuddle his tiny body in my warmth. I have no words that can describe the joy I feel when I think of his tiny finger and toes and his baby mouth, looking for food.
But these things, these feelings, are speculative. What I had with Bailey was a constant reminder, her never-ending presence that told me it was coming and that the day was fast approaching when the child inside of me would become the child I had dreamed of my entire life. That emotion is reserved for Kelly right now.
12/17/2008
Apology
I have to apologies for all of you who read this blog and have been dealing with my silence in the past couple of months. I don't know how many of your are out there, but I am sorry that my usual ranting, sharing and raving has been quiet recently.
The thing of it is, my head and my heart are as active as usual. In the past few months, I have been busy in the deepest parts of my heart and the scariest areas of my head. And none of the work that I have been doing in those places is fit to be shared in a forum like this.
Because of who I am, I can't NOT share if I start to open my mouth...and so I have remained silent. As with just about everything, when something is rattling around, it consumes me and there is very little else that I see.
While the thoughts of the past few months are still in there, still rattling and causing momentary disconnections from my daily life, I have found a peace with what has been going on and I feel more comfortable to get back to my usual ranting, sharing and raving. I hope you've been patient with me through this.
Sooo...with that said, let's move on, shall we?
We are transitioning Bailey to her big girl bed. We have a twin bed on the floor of her bedroom with two side rails that my boss donated to the cause (which is great, since each one costs about $100). The first night we tried (last Friday), Bailey would have none of it. We didn't push and let her sleep in her crib after about 45 minutes of effort. When it turned negative, we stopped. We don't want her to have negative feelings about her bed. Saturday night was like a different story. We put her down, she fell asleep and stayed there all night long. At 7:30 the next morning (LATE for Bailey), we ended up waking her up. Sunday and Monday nights were a repeat of Friday. She struggled for about 45 minutes each night, until we moved her into her crib where she fell promptly to sleep.
And then last night, we had a break through. We laid her down on her bed, turned on her Neptune (a music playing, light up "crib toy" that she absolutely loves), gave her the doggy, cookie monster and rag that she must sleep with every night, let her have her binky and then left after our usual goodnights and I love yous. She was awake when we left and did not spring up out of her bed the second we made a move towards the door. She laid, snuggled into that big ass bed and fell asleep. Or at least, I assume...because we didn't hear from her again until 5 AM this morning. She woke up and needed some reassurance. I hugged her for a few minutes and then put her back in her bed. She fell back asleep until I had to wake her up for school.
Last night felt different than all the other nights. She seemed comfortable with her bed, in a way that she hasn't seemed yet. I think last night was the sweet spot and we'll have relatively smooth sailing from here. I hope anyway. This weekend, we will remove the crib and changing table entirely from her room and take away the option for her and the out for us. That will be the true test.
You might be wondering why we are transitioning her so early...and the simple fact is that while Bailey is only 19 months in age, she is much older in progression. The other reality is that we have a baby coming right around the time that she would probably start to climb out of her crib and need to transition. And we can't do it all at once. We need for Bailey to be settled in her bed and sleeping well when Connor comes home...because we will not be settled into our beds or sleeping well at that time. Bailey is ready for this...and even if it seems too soon, we know her and we know that this is the right time.
Speaking of Bailey's development...recently we have gotten a lot of comments about how advanced she is. Her teacher at school, who has been working with kids most of her adult life and she is an older woman, told me the other day that she has never worked with a child like Bailey. Another of the teachers told me that we should get her IQ tested. Everyone who comes in contact with her comments on her verbal skills and her development. Even her doctor is shocked every time we go in for our check ups.
And all of this is wonderful...and it's a bit difficult to the parent of a child that people make such a fuss about. Don't get me wrong - we are very, very proud of Bailey. We give ourselves some of the credit for her development - afterall, we have spent hours of our time giving to Bailey what we think she needs to thrive and she is thriving. We also recognize that much of this is just that Bailey is a smart kid and that she was born big, giving her a size advantage (which has translated into being placed with older kids her entire life. And older kids = better language and fine motor skills). In other words, she has always been surrounded by kids that are a few stages ahead of her...so it stands to reason that she would be a few stages ahead.
With all of that said, it's tough because the other reality is that Bailey is 19 months old. She is just a kid. Sure, she has great language development, but that doesn't mean that she always will. Right now, Bailey is potential in its purest form. She and we have made the right decisions for her so far, but that doesn't mean that we always will or that she will always be so eager to learn and develop. In other words, she might be ahead of the curve now...but that means nothing, except that she is ahead of the curve right now.
It's hard to say that, because people don't understand. They think we are being modest...and we're not. We just know that Bailey is just a child. She is a child with two very dedicated parents...and she is a child with a lifetime of choices ahead of her. Brilliance is only brilliant if it is chosen, and she will have to choose that on her own.
As for Connor, he will be who he is going to be. We have no expectations of him beyond that he will be cared for with the same love and dedication as we care for Bailey. And we hope he will thrive in that environment, whatever "thrive" means for him.
So anyway.
We have our 30 week doctor's appointment on Friday, followed by Kelly's holiday party. Wednesday morning my mom and my best friend arrive for the holidays and then it's back to life as normal!
I can't wait for Christmas this year...we have many suprises for Bailey and it's going to be incredibly festive to share Christmas with my family.
The thing of it is, my head and my heart are as active as usual. In the past few months, I have been busy in the deepest parts of my heart and the scariest areas of my head. And none of the work that I have been doing in those places is fit to be shared in a forum like this.
Because of who I am, I can't NOT share if I start to open my mouth...and so I have remained silent. As with just about everything, when something is rattling around, it consumes me and there is very little else that I see.
While the thoughts of the past few months are still in there, still rattling and causing momentary disconnections from my daily life, I have found a peace with what has been going on and I feel more comfortable to get back to my usual ranting, sharing and raving. I hope you've been patient with me through this.
Sooo...with that said, let's move on, shall we?
We are transitioning Bailey to her big girl bed. We have a twin bed on the floor of her bedroom with two side rails that my boss donated to the cause (which is great, since each one costs about $100). The first night we tried (last Friday), Bailey would have none of it. We didn't push and let her sleep in her crib after about 45 minutes of effort. When it turned negative, we stopped. We don't want her to have negative feelings about her bed. Saturday night was like a different story. We put her down, she fell asleep and stayed there all night long. At 7:30 the next morning (LATE for Bailey), we ended up waking her up. Sunday and Monday nights were a repeat of Friday. She struggled for about 45 minutes each night, until we moved her into her crib where she fell promptly to sleep.
And then last night, we had a break through. We laid her down on her bed, turned on her Neptune (a music playing, light up "crib toy" that she absolutely loves), gave her the doggy, cookie monster and rag that she must sleep with every night, let her have her binky and then left after our usual goodnights and I love yous. She was awake when we left and did not spring up out of her bed the second we made a move towards the door. She laid, snuggled into that big ass bed and fell asleep. Or at least, I assume...because we didn't hear from her again until 5 AM this morning. She woke up and needed some reassurance. I hugged her for a few minutes and then put her back in her bed. She fell back asleep until I had to wake her up for school.
Last night felt different than all the other nights. She seemed comfortable with her bed, in a way that she hasn't seemed yet. I think last night was the sweet spot and we'll have relatively smooth sailing from here. I hope anyway. This weekend, we will remove the crib and changing table entirely from her room and take away the option for her and the out for us. That will be the true test.
You might be wondering why we are transitioning her so early...and the simple fact is that while Bailey is only 19 months in age, she is much older in progression. The other reality is that we have a baby coming right around the time that she would probably start to climb out of her crib and need to transition. And we can't do it all at once. We need for Bailey to be settled in her bed and sleeping well when Connor comes home...because we will not be settled into our beds or sleeping well at that time. Bailey is ready for this...and even if it seems too soon, we know her and we know that this is the right time.
Speaking of Bailey's development...recently we have gotten a lot of comments about how advanced she is. Her teacher at school, who has been working with kids most of her adult life and she is an older woman, told me the other day that she has never worked with a child like Bailey. Another of the teachers told me that we should get her IQ tested. Everyone who comes in contact with her comments on her verbal skills and her development. Even her doctor is shocked every time we go in for our check ups.
And all of this is wonderful...and it's a bit difficult to the parent of a child that people make such a fuss about. Don't get me wrong - we are very, very proud of Bailey. We give ourselves some of the credit for her development - afterall, we have spent hours of our time giving to Bailey what we think she needs to thrive and she is thriving. We also recognize that much of this is just that Bailey is a smart kid and that she was born big, giving her a size advantage (which has translated into being placed with older kids her entire life. And older kids = better language and fine motor skills). In other words, she has always been surrounded by kids that are a few stages ahead of her...so it stands to reason that she would be a few stages ahead.
With all of that said, it's tough because the other reality is that Bailey is 19 months old. She is just a kid. Sure, she has great language development, but that doesn't mean that she always will. Right now, Bailey is potential in its purest form. She and we have made the right decisions for her so far, but that doesn't mean that we always will or that she will always be so eager to learn and develop. In other words, she might be ahead of the curve now...but that means nothing, except that she is ahead of the curve right now.
It's hard to say that, because people don't understand. They think we are being modest...and we're not. We just know that Bailey is just a child. She is a child with two very dedicated parents...and she is a child with a lifetime of choices ahead of her. Brilliance is only brilliant if it is chosen, and she will have to choose that on her own.
As for Connor, he will be who he is going to be. We have no expectations of him beyond that he will be cared for with the same love and dedication as we care for Bailey. And we hope he will thrive in that environment, whatever "thrive" means for him.
So anyway.
We have our 30 week doctor's appointment on Friday, followed by Kelly's holiday party. Wednesday morning my mom and my best friend arrive for the holidays and then it's back to life as normal!
I can't wait for Christmas this year...we have many suprises for Bailey and it's going to be incredibly festive to share Christmas with my family.
12/09/2008
Too Fast
I never thought that I would say it (or think it)...but Bailey is growing up too fast, damn it!
This weekend, her high chair was dismantled and put in the garage (to be transported to the shed, along with all the other shit we haven't transported to the shed). In it's place as mini table and two chairs have been placed. She now eats there, at her table (with Santa, ironically).
This coming weekend, her crib will be taken apart and sent to the shed to wait for Connor and her changing table will be moved into our room to wait for Connor (he's going to sleep in a pack and play for a while). In place of the crib and changing table will go a twin bed and boxspring, placed on the floor. We will have bed rails...but still. It's a real bed.
About a week and a half ago, the pacifier finally disapeared from Bailey's life, except while she is in her crib.
Her molars are finally coming in.
She is close to growing out of her 3T clothes and size 6 sneakers.
She is able to verbalized what she needs and she has desires and preferences that are different than ours.
Her baby fat, the cute little roll right at the top of each leg, is nearly gone.
Her baby belly, the one that stuck out so prominently, is flat and smooth now, as she grows taller and thinner.
Her hair is long enough to be put into a pony tail or pigtails...depending on my mood.
She expresses preferences about her clothing.
She has learned, and uses liberally, the word "no".
Where did our baby go? You know, the one who drove me crazy and make me think I was going out of my mind? Where did she go, damn it??? Why did I ever think I wanted that time to be over???
I'm so happy Connor will be here soon. I want another baby.
This weekend, her high chair was dismantled and put in the garage (to be transported to the shed, along with all the other shit we haven't transported to the shed). In it's place as mini table and two chairs have been placed. She now eats there, at her table (with Santa, ironically).
This coming weekend, her crib will be taken apart and sent to the shed to wait for Connor and her changing table will be moved into our room to wait for Connor (he's going to sleep in a pack and play for a while). In place of the crib and changing table will go a twin bed and boxspring, placed on the floor. We will have bed rails...but still. It's a real bed.
About a week and a half ago, the pacifier finally disapeared from Bailey's life, except while she is in her crib.
Her molars are finally coming in.
She is close to growing out of her 3T clothes and size 6 sneakers.
She is able to verbalized what she needs and she has desires and preferences that are different than ours.
Her baby fat, the cute little roll right at the top of each leg, is nearly gone.
Her baby belly, the one that stuck out so prominently, is flat and smooth now, as she grows taller and thinner.
Her hair is long enough to be put into a pony tail or pigtails...depending on my mood.
She expresses preferences about her clothing.
She has learned, and uses liberally, the word "no".
Where did our baby go? You know, the one who drove me crazy and make me think I was going out of my mind? Where did she go, damn it??? Why did I ever think I wanted that time to be over???
I'm so happy Connor will be here soon. I want another baby.
12/05/2008
Really...I Shouldn't
I shouldn't post, because I have too much to do at work. There is always too much to do. My life is a constant stream of "need to" and "have to" and "can't get to".
Anyway.
We are 28 weeks pregnant! We had a minor glitch at the doctor's office this morning for our 28 week check up. Kelly has been having braxton hicks contractions regularly. And when I say regularly, I mean around 15 a day. They are classic - short, no pain - but still contractions. When we told our doctor this, just to check and make sure that wasn't too many (I never had them...or at least, never felt them), she was extremely concerned. Said that was way to many BH contractions at this point. She did an internal exam and Kelly's cervix is long and strong...exactly as it should be at 28 weeks pregnant. She also did a swab to test for a protien that is released. A negative test for the protien is what we were hoping for (that means that they can predict with 99% certainty that Kelly will not go into labor in the next 2 weeks). We got our negative test.
So, for now anyway, Kelly's uterus is just an overachiever.
Let's keep it that way until Connor has baked just a bit longer, shall we?
Other than the BH contractions, this are going fine. Kelly has gained 27 pounds so far, which Dr. Jones said was fantastic. A far cry from what our other doctor said two weeks ago. But whatever. Kelly had her glucose tolerance test this morning, and her body was not happy with her. She vomitted (violently) for the first time since 17 weeks pregnant. It sucked for her. Bad. But, she got the drink down and hopefully those numbers will be low too. We don't want the 3 hour test.
Sleep remains the biggest issue in Kelly's world right now. She can't get enough and she certainly doesn't. She should be sleeping between 10-12 hours a day...and she's getting between 6-8 on a good day. She's exhausted constantly, which brings its own brand of crap. I think the exhaustion adds to the emotional response to pregnancy. She's just tired and it makes her feel worn out from the soul out all the time. There is nothing I can do. She already goes to bed as early as she can and gets up as late as she can. There is no time for napping. It's the roughest part of this pregnancy.
But Connor is growing just as he should. Kelly measured perfectly (one week bigger than she should be), but that is normal. He is kicking as he should. It's looking like it's going to be a fine pregnancy...provided that those pesky BH contractions don't become an issue.
Bailey is doing well. She has developed a love affair with the word "no". She will always answer no first, and then might change her mind a second later and answer yes. It's as annoying as it is cute. She is all about challenging the rules right now. I tell her it's time to get dressed and she runs away saying no. Kelly tells her to stop and she keeps going. She's throwing fits as well - loud, arm-flinging, red face, screaming fits. If she could tell us to fuck off, she would. She HATES it when anyone tells her she can't do something. Nothing sets her off quicker than being told that I can't pick her up in any given moment. I think she believes that my arms are her right, and when I try to assert that there are moments when I need space (or just time to rinse my hands free of dish soap), she gets very, very angry. It's forshadowing for what she is going to be like when Connor gets here. We are practicing waiting...but she hates it. And she's loud when she doesn't like something.
We took her pacifier away, finally. I got pissed one night and just took it from her. She still has it in her crib, but it is now left in her crib. The night that I did that, she threw a 2 hour fit. None since then.
It is always a battle of the wills with Bailey. Always. She just never does anything easily. I'm not surprised. I'm like that too. I'm hot or cold. But never warm. Never just easy. She's so much like me it's scary somtimes.
We don't battle her. We just walk away and explain quietly that when she is ready to communicate in a meaningful way, we can talk. Until then, she can throw her fit alone. And she does. She runs, screams, yells. And eventually calms down. And then we deal with whatever the issue is. Sometimes we do this multiple times an evening. Sometimes, she doesn't fight us.
This is good...it's appropriate development (she's a bit early with it, but she has always been a bit early). It's frustrating and heartening to see your child develop as she should.
We're transitioning her out of her crib in the next week. We have the mattress and box spring. We'll put it on the floor. We got warm flannel sheets and a light quilt for her bed. My boss is giving us bedrails that she used with her kids. We'll make the transition next weekend.
It's just one more step in Bailey's life. God, it's moving quickly.
And Kelly and I? We're fine. "We" are lost in parenting and pregnancy. Right now, we're playing on the same team, but that's about it. There isn't time for us and even if there were time, there isn't energy. We're back to the blind faith - believing that our love is strong enough to get through this and waiting until we don't have to believe anymore. We'll find each other again...
Happy Friday. I can't wait for the weekend.
Anyway.
We are 28 weeks pregnant! We had a minor glitch at the doctor's office this morning for our 28 week check up. Kelly has been having braxton hicks contractions regularly. And when I say regularly, I mean around 15 a day. They are classic - short, no pain - but still contractions. When we told our doctor this, just to check and make sure that wasn't too many (I never had them...or at least, never felt them), she was extremely concerned. Said that was way to many BH contractions at this point. She did an internal exam and Kelly's cervix is long and strong...exactly as it should be at 28 weeks pregnant. She also did a swab to test for a protien that is released. A negative test for the protien is what we were hoping for (that means that they can predict with 99% certainty that Kelly will not go into labor in the next 2 weeks). We got our negative test.
So, for now anyway, Kelly's uterus is just an overachiever.
Let's keep it that way until Connor has baked just a bit longer, shall we?
Other than the BH contractions, this are going fine. Kelly has gained 27 pounds so far, which Dr. Jones said was fantastic. A far cry from what our other doctor said two weeks ago. But whatever. Kelly had her glucose tolerance test this morning, and her body was not happy with her. She vomitted (violently) for the first time since 17 weeks pregnant. It sucked for her. Bad. But, she got the drink down and hopefully those numbers will be low too. We don't want the 3 hour test.
Sleep remains the biggest issue in Kelly's world right now. She can't get enough and she certainly doesn't. She should be sleeping between 10-12 hours a day...and she's getting between 6-8 on a good day. She's exhausted constantly, which brings its own brand of crap. I think the exhaustion adds to the emotional response to pregnancy. She's just tired and it makes her feel worn out from the soul out all the time. There is nothing I can do. She already goes to bed as early as she can and gets up as late as she can. There is no time for napping. It's the roughest part of this pregnancy.
But Connor is growing just as he should. Kelly measured perfectly (one week bigger than she should be), but that is normal. He is kicking as he should. It's looking like it's going to be a fine pregnancy...provided that those pesky BH contractions don't become an issue.
Bailey is doing well. She has developed a love affair with the word "no". She will always answer no first, and then might change her mind a second later and answer yes. It's as annoying as it is cute. She is all about challenging the rules right now. I tell her it's time to get dressed and she runs away saying no. Kelly tells her to stop and she keeps going. She's throwing fits as well - loud, arm-flinging, red face, screaming fits. If she could tell us to fuck off, she would. She HATES it when anyone tells her she can't do something. Nothing sets her off quicker than being told that I can't pick her up in any given moment. I think she believes that my arms are her right, and when I try to assert that there are moments when I need space (or just time to rinse my hands free of dish soap), she gets very, very angry. It's forshadowing for what she is going to be like when Connor gets here. We are practicing waiting...but she hates it. And she's loud when she doesn't like something.
We took her pacifier away, finally. I got pissed one night and just took it from her. She still has it in her crib, but it is now left in her crib. The night that I did that, she threw a 2 hour fit. None since then.
It is always a battle of the wills with Bailey. Always. She just never does anything easily. I'm not surprised. I'm like that too. I'm hot or cold. But never warm. Never just easy. She's so much like me it's scary somtimes.
We don't battle her. We just walk away and explain quietly that when she is ready to communicate in a meaningful way, we can talk. Until then, she can throw her fit alone. And she does. She runs, screams, yells. And eventually calms down. And then we deal with whatever the issue is. Sometimes we do this multiple times an evening. Sometimes, she doesn't fight us.
This is good...it's appropriate development (she's a bit early with it, but she has always been a bit early). It's frustrating and heartening to see your child develop as she should.
We're transitioning her out of her crib in the next week. We have the mattress and box spring. We'll put it on the floor. We got warm flannel sheets and a light quilt for her bed. My boss is giving us bedrails that she used with her kids. We'll make the transition next weekend.
It's just one more step in Bailey's life. God, it's moving quickly.
And Kelly and I? We're fine. "We" are lost in parenting and pregnancy. Right now, we're playing on the same team, but that's about it. There isn't time for us and even if there were time, there isn't energy. We're back to the blind faith - believing that our love is strong enough to get through this and waiting until we don't have to believe anymore. We'll find each other again...
Happy Friday. I can't wait for the weekend.
12/03/2008
Got No Time
Sorry for the silence. I've got no time to write and too much going on in my head to have the energy to try to put it all out there.
We're all here, enjoying the holidays and muddling through. More later.
We're all here, enjoying the holidays and muddling through. More later.
11/25/2008
Hi...How Are You?
Seemed like the appropriate way to open the post, given that I have been such a slacker blogger. As always, things are rock and rolling around here and I just haven't had any extra time.
So...where to begin.
Bailey is doing well. She is home sick today, and I'm at home with her (hence the reason I have the time to blog). Just a random fever, with a huge helping of whininess. Kelly had to pick her up yesterday and so I'm here today. Other than that, things with her are good. She's hit one of her lulls in the growing department. Sometimes it's like leaps and bounds and other times not so much. This is one of those not so much times. She's just...well...Bailey.
Connor is growing. A lot. Fast and furious. Kelly has certainly reached that stage of pregnancy where she is just tired of being pregnant, she is too pregnant to ignore it and there is still 3 months to go. She's sick of it and this is the time that Connor is going to become a bigger presence. I remember this stage well, and it sucked. The only good thing is that she is almost never nauseated. She is just pregnant. Since I last posted, we've gone past week 26 (and we didn't post a picture...hell, we didn't even take one!). We are planning on taking a photo this Friday...a 27 week photo. To usher in the 3rd trimester.
Speaking of photos - tomorrow morning, we are having our official holiday portraits done at the cheaper-than-dirt-get-a-million-photos-of-the-same-shot place. We liked them alright last year, and we are at it again this year! We promised ourselves that we would always take a holiday portrait right around Thanksgiving, so that we have the record of our family from year to year. So...off we go. Then Bailey will go to daycare and Kelly and I will have the day.
We plan to spend it decorating the Christmas Tree. Yes, we need to decorate...but it already up. I spent most of the day on Sunday juggling a very, very interested Bailey while I wrapped 1600 colorful lights around each branch of a 7 foot tree. I scratched the hell of out myself and about halfway through I considered giving up...but in the end I have an absolutely beautiful Christmas tree standing in the front window of our living room. I wondered what I would think of colored lights...as I have used white lights since I moved out of our home. But we wanted to make the tree fun, colorful and exciting for Bailey. And wouldn't you know...this is the most beautiful tree that I've had since I was a kid! Honestly, all the work I put into it paid off. I can't wait to see it full of all of the special ornaments we have collected over the years. We also bought a huge box of shatterproof, brightly colored, glittery ornaments to go with the colored lights. We are thinking that Bailey might be able to help put one or two of them on...but maybe not. Kelly and I love decorating the tree and while it will become a family affair when the kids are bigger, I think right now it will stay a grown up event. I'll post photos when it is finished.
Speaking of babies (was I speaking of babies???) - my sister-in-law had her son last week! Carson Thomas was born on Tuesday, November 18 weighing in at 8 pounds, 14 ounces. He is super-cute...but my favorite photos so far have been of him and his sister, Camryn. You might remember that Bailey and Camryn are only 3 weeks apart. Now, Carson and Connor will be about 4 months apart. It's awesome that they have cousins so close. What sucks is that we live 4 hours apart, and while that doesn't feel like that much when I say it, it sure feels like a lot when we consider going to visit. We are hoping when all the kids are older that traveling will be easier and they can get to know each other better.
What else? Hmmm...we have our christmas shot of Bailey with Santa. It took much cajoling and Santa had to give Bailey a Curious George sticker...but we ended up with a shot of her mostly smiling. It's good enough for this year. I'll post that photo too.
You might wonder why I am talking about posting photos, but not doing it. The reason is that we no longer have internet at home...except Kelly's work laptop. Hmmm...maybe I can connect the camera to this. Hmmm...I'll need to explore that.
The other news in our family is that I have decided to take myself out of the running for the HR Benefits job that I talked about a week ago. While I am a shoo-in for the job, it would require that change my hours to 8:30-5 PM every day. With our commute that means that I would get home at 6:30 or 7 PM, depending on traffic. Bailey goes to bed at 7. After doing a bunch of soul seaching and weighing my professional goals against my personal committement and obligations to my family, I decided that this job just wasn't the right opportunity for right now. I can't take a job that will essentially take me out of my daughter's life for five of the seven days of each week. And when Connor gets here, there will be a second child to think about and all the extra work that goes along with having two children under the age of 2. In the end, I just decided that there will be other opportunities at a time in my life when the timing makes more sense. For now, I will stick with my department and my fantastic coworkers and my flexible schedule.
So...that's what's going on. We are doing nothing for Thanksgiving...except cooking. We're having ham, not turkey, with mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, carrots and rolls. I'm making a pumkin pie and a cheese cake. We are going to spend the day in our sweat pants, entertaining Bailey and just hanging out together. We'll do some shopping on Friday and Bailey will spend a couple of hours at school to get her social time. Then more family time.
Have a wonderful holiday everyone!
So...where to begin.
Bailey is doing well. She is home sick today, and I'm at home with her (hence the reason I have the time to blog). Just a random fever, with a huge helping of whininess. Kelly had to pick her up yesterday and so I'm here today. Other than that, things with her are good. She's hit one of her lulls in the growing department. Sometimes it's like leaps and bounds and other times not so much. This is one of those not so much times. She's just...well...Bailey.
Connor is growing. A lot. Fast and furious. Kelly has certainly reached that stage of pregnancy where she is just tired of being pregnant, she is too pregnant to ignore it and there is still 3 months to go. She's sick of it and this is the time that Connor is going to become a bigger presence. I remember this stage well, and it sucked. The only good thing is that she is almost never nauseated. She is just pregnant. Since I last posted, we've gone past week 26 (and we didn't post a picture...hell, we didn't even take one!). We are planning on taking a photo this Friday...a 27 week photo. To usher in the 3rd trimester.
Speaking of photos - tomorrow morning, we are having our official holiday portraits done at the cheaper-than-dirt-get-a-million-photos-of-the-same-shot place. We liked them alright last year, and we are at it again this year! We promised ourselves that we would always take a holiday portrait right around Thanksgiving, so that we have the record of our family from year to year. So...off we go. Then Bailey will go to daycare and Kelly and I will have the day.
We plan to spend it decorating the Christmas Tree. Yes, we need to decorate...but it already up. I spent most of the day on Sunday juggling a very, very interested Bailey while I wrapped 1600 colorful lights around each branch of a 7 foot tree. I scratched the hell of out myself and about halfway through I considered giving up...but in the end I have an absolutely beautiful Christmas tree standing in the front window of our living room. I wondered what I would think of colored lights...as I have used white lights since I moved out of our home. But we wanted to make the tree fun, colorful and exciting for Bailey. And wouldn't you know...this is the most beautiful tree that I've had since I was a kid! Honestly, all the work I put into it paid off. I can't wait to see it full of all of the special ornaments we have collected over the years. We also bought a huge box of shatterproof, brightly colored, glittery ornaments to go with the colored lights. We are thinking that Bailey might be able to help put one or two of them on...but maybe not. Kelly and I love decorating the tree and while it will become a family affair when the kids are bigger, I think right now it will stay a grown up event. I'll post photos when it is finished.
Speaking of babies (was I speaking of babies???) - my sister-in-law had her son last week! Carson Thomas was born on Tuesday, November 18 weighing in at 8 pounds, 14 ounces. He is super-cute...but my favorite photos so far have been of him and his sister, Camryn. You might remember that Bailey and Camryn are only 3 weeks apart. Now, Carson and Connor will be about 4 months apart. It's awesome that they have cousins so close. What sucks is that we live 4 hours apart, and while that doesn't feel like that much when I say it, it sure feels like a lot when we consider going to visit. We are hoping when all the kids are older that traveling will be easier and they can get to know each other better.
What else? Hmmm...we have our christmas shot of Bailey with Santa. It took much cajoling and Santa had to give Bailey a Curious George sticker...but we ended up with a shot of her mostly smiling. It's good enough for this year. I'll post that photo too.
You might wonder why I am talking about posting photos, but not doing it. The reason is that we no longer have internet at home...except Kelly's work laptop. Hmmm...maybe I can connect the camera to this. Hmmm...I'll need to explore that.
The other news in our family is that I have decided to take myself out of the running for the HR Benefits job that I talked about a week ago. While I am a shoo-in for the job, it would require that change my hours to 8:30-5 PM every day. With our commute that means that I would get home at 6:30 or 7 PM, depending on traffic. Bailey goes to bed at 7. After doing a bunch of soul seaching and weighing my professional goals against my personal committement and obligations to my family, I decided that this job just wasn't the right opportunity for right now. I can't take a job that will essentially take me out of my daughter's life for five of the seven days of each week. And when Connor gets here, there will be a second child to think about and all the extra work that goes along with having two children under the age of 2. In the end, I just decided that there will be other opportunities at a time in my life when the timing makes more sense. For now, I will stick with my department and my fantastic coworkers and my flexible schedule.
So...that's what's going on. We are doing nothing for Thanksgiving...except cooking. We're having ham, not turkey, with mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, carrots and rolls. I'm making a pumkin pie and a cheese cake. We are going to spend the day in our sweat pants, entertaining Bailey and just hanging out together. We'll do some shopping on Friday and Bailey will spend a couple of hours at school to get her social time. Then more family time.
Have a wonderful holiday everyone!
11/20/2008
Pregnancy Milestones
Look, look! Today we are out of the single digits...only 99 more days to go! We have our 26 week doctor's appointment tomorrow morning and from there we have appointments every 2 weeks.
It's starting to feel like our Connor is getting closer to being born!
WAHOO!
It's starting to feel like our Connor is getting closer to being born!
WAHOO!
11/18/2008
What's To Say?
Not much has been going on for us. I haven't written because there just isn't that much new to talk about. We are approaching 26 weeks in this pregnancy and getting more and more excited. We are happy that the holidays have arrived, because it gives us something else to think about. We are busy planning our Thanksgiving time off and putting together an agenda for the things we need to get done with it.
Kelly is pregnant...and that about sums up her experiences right now. She's at the stage of pregnancy that I hated the most and remember the most clearly. She's not pregnant enough that people are sending sympathy her way...in other words, her coworkers still act as though her pregnancy isn't a major factor of each moment of her life. But she's far enough along where her pregnancy is, in fact, the sole definition of who she is. She is being a champion through it and pushes herself through each day. The last four nights she is has slept like shit, which makes the day nearly intolerable. We're getting through it. One moment at a time.
Bailey is doing great. She is her usual sunny self. She is right where she should be. We are looking to transition her to the 18 month old room (which is just the other side of her current room). All her favorite friends have transitioned and now it's time for her to go to. I need to get on the daycare staff about it. The amount of advocacy we do for Bailey is astounding. Maybe we are pests. I really don't care. Her best interests are our concern and our only concern. We pay her facility $265 a week. A fucking week. So, if we need to push them to get our needs met, we will.
As for me, well, things are just fine. Not much to report. I'm waiting for the formal announcement of my transition at work to take place. Once that happens, it will change pretty quickly. My boss leaves on December 13 for a 3 1/2 week trip to Australia and New Zealand. That will slow things down a whole lot in our department. It will be a nice way to end the craziness of this job and transition into the much slower pace of my new job.
Tomorrow, I am going to see Kooza - the new Cirque de Solei (is that how you spell it???) performance with my job. We have an executive reception and then fantastic seats. I'm staffing the performance, so I can't drink...but I have to drive anyway. I wouldn't be drinking even if I could. BUT...I get to watch the performance for free, from spectacular seats that would have cost $300 per seat if I had purchased it myself. I've always wanted to go, and while it is going to suck to not see Bailey tomorrow night, I can't wait.
Hmmmm...nothing else, I guess.
Kelly is pregnant...and that about sums up her experiences right now. She's at the stage of pregnancy that I hated the most and remember the most clearly. She's not pregnant enough that people are sending sympathy her way...in other words, her coworkers still act as though her pregnancy isn't a major factor of each moment of her life. But she's far enough along where her pregnancy is, in fact, the sole definition of who she is. She is being a champion through it and pushes herself through each day. The last four nights she is has slept like shit, which makes the day nearly intolerable. We're getting through it. One moment at a time.
Bailey is doing great. She is her usual sunny self. She is right where she should be. We are looking to transition her to the 18 month old room (which is just the other side of her current room). All her favorite friends have transitioned and now it's time for her to go to. I need to get on the daycare staff about it. The amount of advocacy we do for Bailey is astounding. Maybe we are pests. I really don't care. Her best interests are our concern and our only concern. We pay her facility $265 a week. A fucking week. So, if we need to push them to get our needs met, we will.
As for me, well, things are just fine. Not much to report. I'm waiting for the formal announcement of my transition at work to take place. Once that happens, it will change pretty quickly. My boss leaves on December 13 for a 3 1/2 week trip to Australia and New Zealand. That will slow things down a whole lot in our department. It will be a nice way to end the craziness of this job and transition into the much slower pace of my new job.
Tomorrow, I am going to see Kooza - the new Cirque de Solei (is that how you spell it???) performance with my job. We have an executive reception and then fantastic seats. I'm staffing the performance, so I can't drink...but I have to drive anyway. I wouldn't be drinking even if I could. BUT...I get to watch the performance for free, from spectacular seats that would have cost $300 per seat if I had purchased it myself. I've always wanted to go, and while it is going to suck to not see Bailey tomorrow night, I can't wait.
Hmmmm...nothing else, I guess.
11/13/2008
Big Changes
There are big changes coming down the pike for me. It is 99% sure that I will take on the role of Benefits Coordinator in my law firm at the end of the year.
I will be leaving my current department and completely changing the work that I am doing. And honestly, it will be a huge change. New boss, new coworkers and most of all, completely new job functions.
I don't have any experience in Benefits. Nothing real, anyway. I've dabbled a bit in my current job, but have never administered benefits to an entire firm. I have gotten this opportunity because I have been so successful in my current position and they have confidence in my ability to learn the job quickly and get this area under control. The current Benefits Coordinator is completely failing at keeping the job in control. The organization is non-existant and the work coming out of her department is inaccurate and shoddy.
I'm being tasked with fixing it, giving the Benefits area credibility and learning it all while I am doing it. With very little training and even less supervision. The HR manager, who will become my new boss, knows very little about the area of benefits.
So, it's all on me.
I'm extremely excited. Mostly, I'm excited because this is a career path that I'm interested in pursuing. Eventually, I will take my knowledge and move into the government. The government pension is a huge draw for both me and Kelly. The continuation of health care benefits upon retirement is another.
I've done a lot since I started working at real jobs in 2002. I know a lot about law firms in general, and have spent all but 2 years (where I worked for an incredible non-profit that gave me the confidence to do my job now) working in the law firm environment. I'm certain that I can do this job, but it's going to be a challenge.
I'm excited by the change. I'm excited to feel like I'm advancing my career in a way that makes sense for the long-term. I'm proud that my reputation is so strong that the senior management of this firm has confidence in my ability to excel in an area that I have no background in. I'm delighted that my work load will be cut in half.
I'm mostly just excited because I know that I can do this job. I know that I can be good at it.
I will be leaving my current department and completely changing the work that I am doing. And honestly, it will be a huge change. New boss, new coworkers and most of all, completely new job functions.
I don't have any experience in Benefits. Nothing real, anyway. I've dabbled a bit in my current job, but have never administered benefits to an entire firm. I have gotten this opportunity because I have been so successful in my current position and they have confidence in my ability to learn the job quickly and get this area under control. The current Benefits Coordinator is completely failing at keeping the job in control. The organization is non-existant and the work coming out of her department is inaccurate and shoddy.
I'm being tasked with fixing it, giving the Benefits area credibility and learning it all while I am doing it. With very little training and even less supervision. The HR manager, who will become my new boss, knows very little about the area of benefits.
So, it's all on me.
I'm extremely excited. Mostly, I'm excited because this is a career path that I'm interested in pursuing. Eventually, I will take my knowledge and move into the government. The government pension is a huge draw for both me and Kelly. The continuation of health care benefits upon retirement is another.
I've done a lot since I started working at real jobs in 2002. I know a lot about law firms in general, and have spent all but 2 years (where I worked for an incredible non-profit that gave me the confidence to do my job now) working in the law firm environment. I'm certain that I can do this job, but it's going to be a challenge.
I'm excited by the change. I'm excited to feel like I'm advancing my career in a way that makes sense for the long-term. I'm proud that my reputation is so strong that the senior management of this firm has confidence in my ability to excel in an area that I have no background in. I'm delighted that my work load will be cut in half.
I'm mostly just excited because I know that I can do this job. I know that I can be good at it.
11/12/2008
The Proof Is In The...
Well...in our case, it's in the bill.
We got our cable/phone/internet bill from Comcast just about a week ago and it was still showing the old bill, before we made changes. It showed us owing $161, to cover service for the next month. I called to confirm the correct amount, given our discontinued service and was total our total outstanding bill was $9.83.
That's right - $9.83.
Hot damn. That's what I'm talking about!!!!!!!!!!
In other news - Kelly worked too hard and learned a rough lesson yesterday. She mowed our yard (a task I have taken over since she got pregnant) over a period of 4 hours while off for Veteran's Day. Last night, she was in so much pain. Her hips were hurting her in ways that they have never hurt before. Her entire body is struggling to adjust to the weight gain. Having been a woman who carried around very little body fat her entire life, the addition of 15 pounds is rough. And of course, there is the natural spreading and shifting that is occuring.
She's a hurting woman right now.
We have decided not to go anywhere for Thanksgiving. We had considered West Virginia and we considered Maine...but in the end, we're staying home. It is far to much for Kelly to be traveling right now. The physical stuff is only one part of it. The stress of traveling while she is so moody is another part of it. The fear that Bailey won't sleep away from home and that, in turn, Kelly won't sleep is a third part of it. Then, there is the reality that if we stay at home and both take Wednesday off, we'll get Wednesday and Friday without Bailey to just be adults and have some time for us. We'll lose that if we go somewhere else. I'll get to spend Wednesday putting up our Christmas tree and making pies for Thanksgiving. We'll get to finish our Christmas shopping on Friday and organize all of our baby clothes for Connor.
Stuff that we won't get to do if we go somewhere.
Granted, we'll be alone for the holiday, and that will be sad. But we live far away from our families, so I guess it is to be expected. If anyone who reads this will be in the area and is looking for a family to spend Thanksgiving with, come our way. Dinner is at 1 and will be a traditional stuffed turkey, mashed potatoes, homemade rolls, green bean casserole and olives and pickles. Homemade apple and pumpkin pie for dessert. Wine for me. We're planning to eat while Bailey is in bed napping, so that we can linger and enjoy the meal. We'd love to have anyone who is interested come join us!
Christmas is going to be wonderful as well. My Mom and my best friend are coming down from Maine to join us (at least, that is the plan right n0w) and we are just going to have a low-key, festive, warm-fuzzy kind of holiday. I can't wait...
That's all for now.
We got our cable/phone/internet bill from Comcast just about a week ago and it was still showing the old bill, before we made changes. It showed us owing $161, to cover service for the next month. I called to confirm the correct amount, given our discontinued service and was total our total outstanding bill was $9.83.
That's right - $9.83.
Hot damn. That's what I'm talking about!!!!!!!!!!
In other news - Kelly worked too hard and learned a rough lesson yesterday. She mowed our yard (a task I have taken over since she got pregnant) over a period of 4 hours while off for Veteran's Day. Last night, she was in so much pain. Her hips were hurting her in ways that they have never hurt before. Her entire body is struggling to adjust to the weight gain. Having been a woman who carried around very little body fat her entire life, the addition of 15 pounds is rough. And of course, there is the natural spreading and shifting that is occuring.
She's a hurting woman right now.
We have decided not to go anywhere for Thanksgiving. We had considered West Virginia and we considered Maine...but in the end, we're staying home. It is far to much for Kelly to be traveling right now. The physical stuff is only one part of it. The stress of traveling while she is so moody is another part of it. The fear that Bailey won't sleep away from home and that, in turn, Kelly won't sleep is a third part of it. Then, there is the reality that if we stay at home and both take Wednesday off, we'll get Wednesday and Friday without Bailey to just be adults and have some time for us. We'll lose that if we go somewhere else. I'll get to spend Wednesday putting up our Christmas tree and making pies for Thanksgiving. We'll get to finish our Christmas shopping on Friday and organize all of our baby clothes for Connor.
Stuff that we won't get to do if we go somewhere.
Granted, we'll be alone for the holiday, and that will be sad. But we live far away from our families, so I guess it is to be expected. If anyone who reads this will be in the area and is looking for a family to spend Thanksgiving with, come our way. Dinner is at 1 and will be a traditional stuffed turkey, mashed potatoes, homemade rolls, green bean casserole and olives and pickles. Homemade apple and pumpkin pie for dessert. Wine for me. We're planning to eat while Bailey is in bed napping, so that we can linger and enjoy the meal. We'd love to have anyone who is interested come join us!
Christmas is going to be wonderful as well. My Mom and my best friend are coming down from Maine to join us (at least, that is the plan right n0w) and we are just going to have a low-key, festive, warm-fuzzy kind of holiday. I can't wait...
That's all for now.
11/11/2008
Halloween Pictures!
Bailey was an angel for Halloween. We did the school party, but did not take her trick or treating. She can't eat sugar due to allergies and it just seemed cruel. Besides, she was exhausted. There is always next year...
She hated her costume. Hated the tights, hated the itchy dress, hated the halo. Oh well...maybe she's our fallen angel???
She hated her costume. Hated the tights, hated the itchy dress, hated the halo. Oh well...maybe she's our fallen angel???
11/07/2008
11/06/2008
Meanwhile...
Enough politics for now. We are where we are. I'm thinking that when I turn 30 (in about 6 months), I might get back on my political bandwagon. Maybe a little political fight for gay marriage rights will get my blood flowing again.
BUT...enough of that for now...because there really are other things happening and other things that I care about much more.
I can think of three things right off the bat!
Bailey is rockin' her world right now. The latest development is that she counts to 5. No shit. It's just memorization, because when given the numbers (we have foam numbers and letters in her bath), she has no clue. But when you say "one" and hold up your finger, she will follow and say 2, 3, 4, 5. If you then say "six", she will say seven and then eight. She hasn't gotten 9 and 10 yet. Pretty cool.
The ironic thing is that Kelly and I do not actively teach Bailey. I mean, we don't sit down and "do numbers" or anything like that. We play with them - we put them up in order on the tub and say them as we are doing that, but her response has always been to just bat the numbers down. So we do it again. Same thing with letters. We are not actively teaching anything yet - we just sing the alphabet song and read to her constantly.
The thing is, Bailey is just smart. Who knows if this will last, if this is developmental or what. Honestly, we don't care. Our singular goal for Bailey is that she live a life that she is happy with. That she find her satisfaction and can look around at her world with joy and comfort. I don't give shit what she becomes - that is going to be her choice. I care that she gets her high school diploma and I'll push pretty hard to get her into college, but in the end, that will be her decision. So I really don't care if she is smart or advanced or whatever. Seriously.
But it's really cool to have your 18 month old look at you from the backseat of the car and tell you the numbers. That really is cool.
Connor is a growing boy. He is expanding and his Mommy's belly is growing with it. Kelly has reach the point of no return - her body is forever changed. No stretch marks yet, but she is very pregnant and it shows. Connor moves constantly and Kelly feels them all. He is now big enough that she feels him when he rolls, when he stretches, when he just wiggles for more comfort (we assume that's what he's doing, anyway). At night, when he gets really active, I spend time with my hand on Kelly's belly and feel our little boy kick and roll around. His greatest periods of activity continue to be about 20-30 minutes after Kelly eats. Our boy likes food.
Tomorrow we get to have another ultrasound. They were not able to see the spine, so we go back. We will have new pictures, and probably a 4-D shot, since our radiology office seems keen on giving them to us. We certainly don't complain. This will be our last, unless we have to have a sizing ultrasound. For Kelly's sake, I hope we don't.
At our last doctor's appointment, we scheduled all our appointments through the due date. That was kind of exciting to me. It's nice to be preparing to play the end game. Tomorrow marks the completion of 6 months of pregnancy...24 weeks along. We are inching closer to that magic mark where survival is much more likely if something really crappy should happen. I think we will both breathe easier when we hit the 30 week mark.
Well, I will anyway. Kelly's breathing is already seriously hampered by our son.
All the usual emotional effects are taking place, but there has been a bit of a period of calm. I think the most obvious effect right now is the exhaustion. Kelly is tired all the time and when she is not tired, she's dead on her feet. She is doing an amazing job keeping up with Bailey and me and has been a champion about helping around the house when she can. It was a rough start, but honestly, Kelly is a fantastic pregnant woman. She's really doing a great job going through it with a young child to care for...something I did not have to deal with.
And have I mentioned how beautiful her body is? God help me. She's a beautiful pregnant woman.
The holiday season is here and we are making many plans for the next two months. This weekend, I am putting together a craft project that will be incorporated into our Christmas cards this year. We are making plans for Thanksgiving and my Mom and Andrea are coming to our place for Christmas. I am beginning to think about decorating the Christmas tree in just a couple of weeks (I try to have it up the day before Thanksgiving) and we are introducing the concepts of "the holidays" to Bailey.
Yesterday, while driving to daycare, I told Bailey that this season was called the holiday season and that there are two really special holidays. I told her about how we spend this time with family, and how we give back to the world around us. I then explained a bit about Thanksgiving. She was very quite for a minute, and looking in the mirror, I could see her pondering what I had said. Then, quietly, she looked up and said in a small puzzled voice, "Happy 'ween"?
HA! I guess she understood that I was talking about a "holiday"...but since the only holiday she remembers or knows is Halloween, that is what she could come up with. Very funny...
Last weekend we went to Lowes to get mulch for our gardens. We walked in and they had all their Christmas stuff set up. Bailey took one look around and said "WOW...Momma, what is it?" This is one of her "key" phrases. I took a happy look around, my eyes filled with tears as I stared at the symbols of a holiday I love so much and said, "Honey...this is Christmas."
And so it begins. Kelly and I are starting to plan the gifts this year. I want to get her a keyboard of some sort - she loves music and I want something more advanced that what she has. I'm also interested in getting her one of those town rugs, that has streets and buildings and stuff...and a bunch of matchbox cars for her to push. I wanted to get her a tee-ball set, but I think we've decided to do that for her birthday in May. Makes more sense. Other ideas that have been thrown out are an easel and all the various supplies that go with it, a dollhouse of some sort, a play kitchen, and a doctor's kit. The theme this year is going to be on imagination and fun. This is the time for her to learn while she is playing. There will be plenty of time for full-on educational toys. I want her to have stuff to engage in active play, in self-driven imagination. I want her to be able to do art and to have toys with enough energy that she begins to learn some focus...some more long-term enjoyment (longer than her usual 5 minute max). Of course, we won't get everything on our list. That would be excessive and no child needs that much. In fact, I think it overstimulates and makes it harder, rather than easier, for them to concentrate.
The other thing is that we are going to try to stay away from light up, blinking, electronic toys. Those were great when she was little, as all the sound and colors were stimulating. But now, she needs to start using her mind to create the excitement.
God, I love this time of year. I really, really love it.
BUT...enough of that for now...because there really are other things happening and other things that I care about much more.
I can think of three things right off the bat!
Bailey is rockin' her world right now. The latest development is that she counts to 5. No shit. It's just memorization, because when given the numbers (we have foam numbers and letters in her bath), she has no clue. But when you say "one" and hold up your finger, she will follow and say 2, 3, 4, 5. If you then say "six", she will say seven and then eight. She hasn't gotten 9 and 10 yet. Pretty cool.
The ironic thing is that Kelly and I do not actively teach Bailey. I mean, we don't sit down and "do numbers" or anything like that. We play with them - we put them up in order on the tub and say them as we are doing that, but her response has always been to just bat the numbers down. So we do it again. Same thing with letters. We are not actively teaching anything yet - we just sing the alphabet song and read to her constantly.
The thing is, Bailey is just smart. Who knows if this will last, if this is developmental or what. Honestly, we don't care. Our singular goal for Bailey is that she live a life that she is happy with. That she find her satisfaction and can look around at her world with joy and comfort. I don't give shit what she becomes - that is going to be her choice. I care that she gets her high school diploma and I'll push pretty hard to get her into college, but in the end, that will be her decision. So I really don't care if she is smart or advanced or whatever. Seriously.
But it's really cool to have your 18 month old look at you from the backseat of the car and tell you the numbers. That really is cool.
Connor is a growing boy. He is expanding and his Mommy's belly is growing with it. Kelly has reach the point of no return - her body is forever changed. No stretch marks yet, but she is very pregnant and it shows. Connor moves constantly and Kelly feels them all. He is now big enough that she feels him when he rolls, when he stretches, when he just wiggles for more comfort (we assume that's what he's doing, anyway). At night, when he gets really active, I spend time with my hand on Kelly's belly and feel our little boy kick and roll around. His greatest periods of activity continue to be about 20-30 minutes after Kelly eats. Our boy likes food.
Tomorrow we get to have another ultrasound. They were not able to see the spine, so we go back. We will have new pictures, and probably a 4-D shot, since our radiology office seems keen on giving them to us. We certainly don't complain. This will be our last, unless we have to have a sizing ultrasound. For Kelly's sake, I hope we don't.
At our last doctor's appointment, we scheduled all our appointments through the due date. That was kind of exciting to me. It's nice to be preparing to play the end game. Tomorrow marks the completion of 6 months of pregnancy...24 weeks along. We are inching closer to that magic mark where survival is much more likely if something really crappy should happen. I think we will both breathe easier when we hit the 30 week mark.
Well, I will anyway. Kelly's breathing is already seriously hampered by our son.
All the usual emotional effects are taking place, but there has been a bit of a period of calm. I think the most obvious effect right now is the exhaustion. Kelly is tired all the time and when she is not tired, she's dead on her feet. She is doing an amazing job keeping up with Bailey and me and has been a champion about helping around the house when she can. It was a rough start, but honestly, Kelly is a fantastic pregnant woman. She's really doing a great job going through it with a young child to care for...something I did not have to deal with.
And have I mentioned how beautiful her body is? God help me. She's a beautiful pregnant woman.
The holiday season is here and we are making many plans for the next two months. This weekend, I am putting together a craft project that will be incorporated into our Christmas cards this year. We are making plans for Thanksgiving and my Mom and Andrea are coming to our place for Christmas. I am beginning to think about decorating the Christmas tree in just a couple of weeks (I try to have it up the day before Thanksgiving) and we are introducing the concepts of "the holidays" to Bailey.
Yesterday, while driving to daycare, I told Bailey that this season was called the holiday season and that there are two really special holidays. I told her about how we spend this time with family, and how we give back to the world around us. I then explained a bit about Thanksgiving. She was very quite for a minute, and looking in the mirror, I could see her pondering what I had said. Then, quietly, she looked up and said in a small puzzled voice, "Happy 'ween"?
HA! I guess she understood that I was talking about a "holiday"...but since the only holiday she remembers or knows is Halloween, that is what she could come up with. Very funny...
Last weekend we went to Lowes to get mulch for our gardens. We walked in and they had all their Christmas stuff set up. Bailey took one look around and said "WOW...Momma, what is it?" This is one of her "key" phrases. I took a happy look around, my eyes filled with tears as I stared at the symbols of a holiday I love so much and said, "Honey...this is Christmas."
And so it begins. Kelly and I are starting to plan the gifts this year. I want to get her a keyboard of some sort - she loves music and I want something more advanced that what she has. I'm also interested in getting her one of those town rugs, that has streets and buildings and stuff...and a bunch of matchbox cars for her to push. I wanted to get her a tee-ball set, but I think we've decided to do that for her birthday in May. Makes more sense. Other ideas that have been thrown out are an easel and all the various supplies that go with it, a dollhouse of some sort, a play kitchen, and a doctor's kit. The theme this year is going to be on imagination and fun. This is the time for her to learn while she is playing. There will be plenty of time for full-on educational toys. I want her to have stuff to engage in active play, in self-driven imagination. I want her to be able to do art and to have toys with enough energy that she begins to learn some focus...some more long-term enjoyment (longer than her usual 5 minute max). Of course, we won't get everything on our list. That would be excessive and no child needs that much. In fact, I think it overstimulates and makes it harder, rather than easier, for them to concentrate.
The other thing is that we are going to try to stay away from light up, blinking, electronic toys. Those were great when she was little, as all the sound and colors were stimulating. But now, she needs to start using her mind to create the excitement.
God, I love this time of year. I really, really love it.
11/05/2008
Winning and Losing
I'm so conflicted this morning.
I am, of course, delighted in the large Democratic victories all over this country. I eat a full slice of humble pie - after all, I did say that Obama couldn't win. Boy...did he ever prove me wrong.
The biggest victory of all is the turnout. Finally, people have started to care. I hope this trend continues and that Bailey and Connor grow up in a world were not voting is not an option. For that reason, I am glad that I voted yesterday. I would have ended yesterday disappointed in myself if I had not voted.
With that said, bans on gay marriage passed all over this country.
Arizona passed a constitutional amendment to limit the recognition of gay marriage to one man and one woman. It was also on the ballot in 2006, but failed.
California is looking like it will pass their amendment to limit marriage to one man and one woman, overturning a judicial ruling that allowed same-sex marriage earlier this year.
Florida was able to secure their required 60% of the voters to amend their constitution to limit marriage to one man and one woman.
If you think this is the end of it, you're wrong. The worst of all comes out of Arkansas. In Arkansas, they passed a ballot measure that actively prevents gay couples from adopting children or acting as foster parents. Specifically, "This measure would prohibit unmarried "sexual partner[s]" from adopting children or from serving as foster parents. The measure specifies that the prohibition applies to both opposite-sex as well as same-sex couples."
Abortion rights won, though. California did not pass a constitutional amendment that would required parental notification (not consent) prior to a minor receiving an abortion. Colorado overwhelming refused to pass a constitutional amendment that would have effectively banned all abortions, by declaring "human life" from starting at the moment of conception. South Dakota also did not pass an ballot measure that would have ended all abortions, effectively.
So there are wins and losses and I am torn. I don't feel celebratory. I feel moderately relieved, but so sad that gay couples are so targeted right now. I wish people could open their eyes and look at the lives of us, really look, and see that we're not so different. Really, we're not. We're just another family, trying to love each other and stay strong through the shit. We're two women, trying to raise happy, healthy children that give something back to the world. We're just human beings trying to live in our world.
Anyway. Those are my thoughts for today.
I am, of course, delighted in the large Democratic victories all over this country. I eat a full slice of humble pie - after all, I did say that Obama couldn't win. Boy...did he ever prove me wrong.
The biggest victory of all is the turnout. Finally, people have started to care. I hope this trend continues and that Bailey and Connor grow up in a world were not voting is not an option. For that reason, I am glad that I voted yesterday. I would have ended yesterday disappointed in myself if I had not voted.
With that said, bans on gay marriage passed all over this country.
Arizona passed a constitutional amendment to limit the recognition of gay marriage to one man and one woman. It was also on the ballot in 2006, but failed.
California is looking like it will pass their amendment to limit marriage to one man and one woman, overturning a judicial ruling that allowed same-sex marriage earlier this year.
Florida was able to secure their required 60% of the voters to amend their constitution to limit marriage to one man and one woman.
If you think this is the end of it, you're wrong. The worst of all comes out of Arkansas. In Arkansas, they passed a ballot measure that actively prevents gay couples from adopting children or acting as foster parents. Specifically, "This measure would prohibit unmarried "sexual partner[s]" from adopting children or from serving as foster parents. The measure specifies that the prohibition applies to both opposite-sex as well as same-sex couples."
Abortion rights won, though. California did not pass a constitutional amendment that would required parental notification (not consent) prior to a minor receiving an abortion. Colorado overwhelming refused to pass a constitutional amendment that would have effectively banned all abortions, by declaring "human life" from starting at the moment of conception. South Dakota also did not pass an ballot measure that would have ended all abortions, effectively.
So there are wins and losses and I am torn. I don't feel celebratory. I feel moderately relieved, but so sad that gay couples are so targeted right now. I wish people could open their eyes and look at the lives of us, really look, and see that we're not so different. Really, we're not. We're just another family, trying to love each other and stay strong through the shit. We're two women, trying to raise happy, healthy children that give something back to the world. We're just human beings trying to live in our world.
Anyway. Those are my thoughts for today.
11/04/2008
I Voted
I stood in line this morning for an hour, but ended up voting for Obama. I went back and forth, trying to decide if I should vote for Nader (Independant)...but in the end, went with Obama. Not sure why.
All I know is that I voted.
Now, on to tonight were I will grieve the lack of Tim Russert on my television.
All I know is that I voted.
Now, on to tonight were I will grieve the lack of Tim Russert on my television.
11/03/2008
Home Changes
Nothing major, but over the weekend, Kelly and I decided to go back to our values and get rid of most of our cable, our internet connection at home and our telephone.
It was also a financial decision.
We were spending $160 a month on a packaged deal - including all three. We had high speed internet access, way too many digital cable channels and a telephone. The thing is, though, we were also watching too much television and I was spending too much time on the internet.
Kelly and I both feel very strongly that home time should be spent at home...not at home with your nose in the computer or zoning out to the TV. We generally hate the values that are presented on TV and have never put Bailey in front of the TV. Sometimes, on Sunday mornings, we will turn on PBS and let her watch whatever is on. And sometimes she actually pays attention for a minute or two. But she's never watched TV and so she's not really into it.
What it really comes down to is that we just don't want to be that family. I don't want for us to sit around and watch TV together as a family, when we could be talking, reading, playing games, being outside. We just think there are better options. Rather than just say that, we decided to actually make it happen.
Now, instead of $160 a month, we are paying $20 for limited basic cable (just the networks, PBS and the weather channel!).
We've been wanting to take this plunge for a while. I'm so happy we finally did!
It was also a financial decision.
We were spending $160 a month on a packaged deal - including all three. We had high speed internet access, way too many digital cable channels and a telephone. The thing is, though, we were also watching too much television and I was spending too much time on the internet.
Kelly and I both feel very strongly that home time should be spent at home...not at home with your nose in the computer or zoning out to the TV. We generally hate the values that are presented on TV and have never put Bailey in front of the TV. Sometimes, on Sunday mornings, we will turn on PBS and let her watch whatever is on. And sometimes she actually pays attention for a minute or two. But she's never watched TV and so she's not really into it.
What it really comes down to is that we just don't want to be that family. I don't want for us to sit around and watch TV together as a family, when we could be talking, reading, playing games, being outside. We just think there are better options. Rather than just say that, we decided to actually make it happen.
Now, instead of $160 a month, we are paying $20 for limited basic cable (just the networks, PBS and the weather channel!).
We've been wanting to take this plunge for a while. I'm so happy we finally did!
10/31/2008
100% Momma
LBB stands for Life Before Bailey. I realized this morning that I can hardly remember it. I do remember it some days (particularly when I'm sick of wearing "Momma" hat and I dream of what things used to be like). But I also know, quite clearly, that I remember things with a VERY rosy tint.
In reality, LBB was all about preparing for Life After Bailey. She was our first dream.
And lord, did she ever come through.
We're going through an interesting time with Bailey and with each other in general. Bailey is ALL about me right now. She has been for a while, but as she is able to vocalize her needs and wants more and more, it becomes more pronounced. At the same time this is happening, Kelly is getting more and more pregnant and subsequently, more and more in need of gentleness and tenderness. Kelly is certainly not exempt from the hormone overload that comes with pregnancy, and she is feeling the effects.
It's an interesting place for me to be. If I could isolate my relationship with Bailey, I would say that I love what is happening. It is truly remarkable to be her hero. There is nothing more special to me than having my daughter light up when I see her, rush into my arms and smother me with hugs and kisses. When she looks at me adoringly and says I love you, my heart is as full as it has ever been. When she needs me close when she's tired and when she responds so absolutely to my bad moods, I feel so central and validated and needed. These are good, good feelings.
But then, I glance over at Kelly and I feel bad. It hurts me that Bailey is so heavily into me, on behalf of Kelly. I look at my wife, who loves Bailey more than she's ever loved another person (me included) and I feel like she is being cheated. I wonder if she is feeling hurt, left out or lonely and I want to fix it. So I urge Bailey to hug Mommy, to kiss Mommy, to take her book and read with Mommy and when Bailey refuses, I feel even worse. If it were me on the other end of Bailey's indifference, I would feel terrible.
(Sometimes, I wish it WERE me on the other end of Bailey's indifference. The break, occasionally, would be nice.)
I haven't talked to Kelly about this. I am almost afraid of opening Pandora's box. It's almost as if acknowledging our differences would make it worse. I don't know.
I know that children love unconditionally and that right now, Bailey needs me for whatever reason. Bailey and I have bonded the way that two Taurus's with incredibly strong needs bond. She and I mirror each other, and we love in the same ways. Intensely, large and with the strength of steel.
I tell myself that right now, Bailey needs the kind of love that I give. I am demonstrative, loud, exciting. I play with her hard - throwing her around, doing somersaults, chasing, squealing and laughing. We crawl on the floor, we make messes and we clean up. I hold her for hours at a time, cooking and talking about the things in the kitchen. I let her take risks and I'm there when those risks fail.
Later, Kelly will need the kind of love that Kelly gives. The same way that I do. Later, when Bailey is going nuts with trying to live in this world and figure out how to tame all those hormones and restlessness (and she will. She is like me, and I know how hard it is), she will need Kelly's calm. In the same way that Kelly brings peace to my crazy head, she will be a steady guide for Bailey. Kelly is, literally, the calm in the storm of our life. The storm that I often am the creator of. Bailey is so much like me, she really is. Her response to life is so similar to mine. I get her, because I AM her. And at some point, that is going to ROUGH for us. We will butt heads as strongly as we snuggle now. When push comes to shove, in later years it will be me she is fighting with, and Kelly who is keeping us both from flying off into outerspace.
It's possible that this is only a concern of mine and is not echoed by Kelly. She is far more philisophical and much less emotional than I am.
In reality, LBB was all about preparing for Life After Bailey. She was our first dream.
And lord, did she ever come through.
We're going through an interesting time with Bailey and with each other in general. Bailey is ALL about me right now. She has been for a while, but as she is able to vocalize her needs and wants more and more, it becomes more pronounced. At the same time this is happening, Kelly is getting more and more pregnant and subsequently, more and more in need of gentleness and tenderness. Kelly is certainly not exempt from the hormone overload that comes with pregnancy, and she is feeling the effects.
It's an interesting place for me to be. If I could isolate my relationship with Bailey, I would say that I love what is happening. It is truly remarkable to be her hero. There is nothing more special to me than having my daughter light up when I see her, rush into my arms and smother me with hugs and kisses. When she looks at me adoringly and says I love you, my heart is as full as it has ever been. When she needs me close when she's tired and when she responds so absolutely to my bad moods, I feel so central and validated and needed. These are good, good feelings.
But then, I glance over at Kelly and I feel bad. It hurts me that Bailey is so heavily into me, on behalf of Kelly. I look at my wife, who loves Bailey more than she's ever loved another person (me included) and I feel like she is being cheated. I wonder if she is feeling hurt, left out or lonely and I want to fix it. So I urge Bailey to hug Mommy, to kiss Mommy, to take her book and read with Mommy and when Bailey refuses, I feel even worse. If it were me on the other end of Bailey's indifference, I would feel terrible.
(Sometimes, I wish it WERE me on the other end of Bailey's indifference. The break, occasionally, would be nice.)
I haven't talked to Kelly about this. I am almost afraid of opening Pandora's box. It's almost as if acknowledging our differences would make it worse. I don't know.
I know that children love unconditionally and that right now, Bailey needs me for whatever reason. Bailey and I have bonded the way that two Taurus's with incredibly strong needs bond. She and I mirror each other, and we love in the same ways. Intensely, large and with the strength of steel.
I tell myself that right now, Bailey needs the kind of love that I give. I am demonstrative, loud, exciting. I play with her hard - throwing her around, doing somersaults, chasing, squealing and laughing. We crawl on the floor, we make messes and we clean up. I hold her for hours at a time, cooking and talking about the things in the kitchen. I let her take risks and I'm there when those risks fail.
Later, Kelly will need the kind of love that Kelly gives. The same way that I do. Later, when Bailey is going nuts with trying to live in this world and figure out how to tame all those hormones and restlessness (and she will. She is like me, and I know how hard it is), she will need Kelly's calm. In the same way that Kelly brings peace to my crazy head, she will be a steady guide for Bailey. Kelly is, literally, the calm in the storm of our life. The storm that I often am the creator of. Bailey is so much like me, she really is. Her response to life is so similar to mine. I get her, because I AM her. And at some point, that is going to ROUGH for us. We will butt heads as strongly as we snuggle now. When push comes to shove, in later years it will be me she is fighting with, and Kelly who is keeping us both from flying off into outerspace.
It's possible that this is only a concern of mine and is not echoed by Kelly. She is far more philisophical and much less emotional than I am.
10/28/2008
More Voting Thoughts
Thanks for your feedback on my voting crisis. I really do appreciate other people's thoughts when it comes to stuff like this.
I guess, perhaps, I'm just another disenfranchised voter. I truly believed in the system for the vast majority of my life. I realized that it only worked because we bought into it and that in order for a democracy to represent its people, we all actually had to participate.
But then, I started looking around. And honestly, I just don't see where I'm represented. I can't marry the woman that I love and have it be recognized by the government. I can't elect to not pay my taxes when I completely disagree with what the money is being spent on. I'm smack in the middle of the middle-class squeeze and nobody seems to care of that. I'm not too poor and I don't make enough money to enjoy the money I do make.
Honestly, folks, I'm just tired. Maybe it's a blanket statement, but I'm sick of lying politicians. Monica - you made a great comments (which I wholeheartedly agree with) that perhaps the politicians voted for the bailout to secure their own relection. But that's the problem. My litmus test used to be whether someone was a democrat or not. Now, it's the bailout.
Here's the thing, though. I get home so late. In order to vote, I have to either miss my Bailey's bath and bedtime or I have to bring her with me and make her stay up late in a line. Or, I have to leave work early and use my PTO time. All, to do something I don't believe in.
I'd rather just go to bed. It's all exhausting.
In the end, I'll probably end up voting. Maybe in the morning. I'll go and mark my ballot and vote for Nader and that will be that. But I gotta tell you - I think it's a waste of time.
I guess, perhaps, I'm just another disenfranchised voter. I truly believed in the system for the vast majority of my life. I realized that it only worked because we bought into it and that in order for a democracy to represent its people, we all actually had to participate.
But then, I started looking around. And honestly, I just don't see where I'm represented. I can't marry the woman that I love and have it be recognized by the government. I can't elect to not pay my taxes when I completely disagree with what the money is being spent on. I'm smack in the middle of the middle-class squeeze and nobody seems to care of that. I'm not too poor and I don't make enough money to enjoy the money I do make.
Honestly, folks, I'm just tired. Maybe it's a blanket statement, but I'm sick of lying politicians. Monica - you made a great comments (which I wholeheartedly agree with) that perhaps the politicians voted for the bailout to secure their own relection. But that's the problem. My litmus test used to be whether someone was a democrat or not. Now, it's the bailout.
Here's the thing, though. I get home so late. In order to vote, I have to either miss my Bailey's bath and bedtime or I have to bring her with me and make her stay up late in a line. Or, I have to leave work early and use my PTO time. All, to do something I don't believe in.
I'd rather just go to bed. It's all exhausting.
In the end, I'll probably end up voting. Maybe in the morning. I'll go and mark my ballot and vote for Nader and that will be that. But I gotta tell you - I think it's a waste of time.
Please, Please, Please!!!
Please, let it snow tomorrow. I want to see some of the white stuff drifting down from a slate gray sky. Even if it is only a couple of flakes. Even though none of it will stick.
Please, please, please. Let it snow tomorrow.
Please, please, please. Let it snow tomorrow.
10/27/2008
To Vote Or Not
I'm torn. I've never been torn before about voting. Never. I have always known that I would go, that I would vote and that I would vote a straight democratic ticket. I'm a party loyalist.
But this time around, I'm torn.
Not about who I would vote for. I've jumped that hurdle already.
The question is IF I will vote at all.
I completely, 100%, totally, wholeheartedly disagree with the government bailout. I sided fully with the Republicans who initially stood in the way of passage (of course, they rolled over like fucking little pigs when a bunch of pork was added). I think it is irresponsible and won't work as planned in any event. In fact, have you seen the latest. The banks that were supposed to use the money to give out loans, thus putting more money into circulation, boosting the economy and all that...you know, the "plan". Well, that's not happening. Instead, those same banks are using our dollars to aquire smaller banks, strengthening their own bottom line. And the credit markets are still not loosening up the way that they could.
It makes my blood absolutely boil.
What makes my blood boil over is that REALITY that we will pay for this for a long, long, long, long time. Bailey's children will still be paying for it. They talk about it like it is an investment. And maybe in a couple of years, I'll be proved wrong. LOL. Maybe.
But I'm not buying it. Not one bit.
I'm absolutely livid with my government.
I made a promise on the day that the bailout was pushed through that I would never vote for another member of government who voted for the bailout.
That includes both of the presidential candidates.
So, if I go to the polls, I will be writing in Nader as my candidate. I will not vote for Obama, even though he is who I would have supported. I cannot vote for McCain, even if he had not voted for the bailout. There are two ballot initiatives - one dealing with voting early and the other dealing with slots - but I'm not sure that I care about those issues enough to get myself to the polls.
Perhaps, if I lived in a state that was swinging (Virginia for example), I would feel more inclined to change my position. But my state isn't swinging. We're a solid blue state and my vote is going to be "pointless" anyway.
I'm interested in other people's thoughts. I really am. Just know that nothing will convince me to vote for Obama. It's not that I don't want him to be president. I do, actually. But I won't cast my ballot, ever again, for someone who voted for the bailout. But what about Nader? Since it won't matter, does anyone have any opinions? Can anyone come up with one good reason why I should spend my precious time with Bailey standing in a voting line?
But this time around, I'm torn.
Not about who I would vote for. I've jumped that hurdle already.
The question is IF I will vote at all.
I completely, 100%, totally, wholeheartedly disagree with the government bailout. I sided fully with the Republicans who initially stood in the way of passage (of course, they rolled over like fucking little pigs when a bunch of pork was added). I think it is irresponsible and won't work as planned in any event. In fact, have you seen the latest. The banks that were supposed to use the money to give out loans, thus putting more money into circulation, boosting the economy and all that...you know, the "plan". Well, that's not happening. Instead, those same banks are using our dollars to aquire smaller banks, strengthening their own bottom line. And the credit markets are still not loosening up the way that they could.
It makes my blood absolutely boil.
What makes my blood boil over is that REALITY that we will pay for this for a long, long, long, long time. Bailey's children will still be paying for it. They talk about it like it is an investment. And maybe in a couple of years, I'll be proved wrong. LOL. Maybe.
But I'm not buying it. Not one bit.
I'm absolutely livid with my government.
I made a promise on the day that the bailout was pushed through that I would never vote for another member of government who voted for the bailout.
That includes both of the presidential candidates.
So, if I go to the polls, I will be writing in Nader as my candidate. I will not vote for Obama, even though he is who I would have supported. I cannot vote for McCain, even if he had not voted for the bailout. There are two ballot initiatives - one dealing with voting early and the other dealing with slots - but I'm not sure that I care about those issues enough to get myself to the polls.
Perhaps, if I lived in a state that was swinging (Virginia for example), I would feel more inclined to change my position. But my state isn't swinging. We're a solid blue state and my vote is going to be "pointless" anyway.
I'm interested in other people's thoughts. I really am. Just know that nothing will convince me to vote for Obama. It's not that I don't want him to be president. I do, actually. But I won't cast my ballot, ever again, for someone who voted for the bailout. But what about Nader? Since it won't matter, does anyone have any opinions? Can anyone come up with one good reason why I should spend my precious time with Bailey standing in a voting line?
10/24/2008
Going Home
Day's over. I had a wonderful lunch with my wife and she gave me a small bag of swedish fish. And her presence. I have two whole days to spend with my wife and our daughter. Two days to feel our baby boy wiggle and kick. Brunch on Sunday with the best group of women in DC and a bottle of wine with one glass left in it for tonight.
Bring on the hot bath, the soothing wine, the lull of my wife and the joy of my daughter.
I'm done being bitchy today.
(but...I will still laugh the first time Bailey drops the F-bomb. I wasn't joking about that...LOL!)
Bring on the hot bath, the soothing wine, the lull of my wife and the joy of my daughter.
I'm done being bitchy today.
(but...I will still laugh the first time Bailey drops the F-bomb. I wasn't joking about that...LOL!)
Grumpy
I woke up this morning grumpy. Bitchy is probably a more accurate description, but I'm trying to curb my nasty swearing habit.
Actually, I'm not. I'll be honest because today there is no other option. I don't give a shit about swearing. I really don't. Some people think it makes you sound uneducated. Some people think kids should not swear. Some people just think it's bad form.
Whatever.
I don't give a shit about swearing either way.
If you don't swear, good for you. I do. I like to swear. I think a well-placed "fuck" can really punch up a person's sentence. Hell, I think a poorly placed "fuck" is still a good exclamation point.
And I don't care if kids swear. The only reason I care is because other people look at you like you're a bad parent if you kid drops the "shit" or "fuck" bomb in public. Don't kids get frustrated too? And I am of the mind that shouting "shit" or "fuck" when something is shitty or fucked up is appropriate. I don't see why our kids shouldn't be able to express themselves in the same way.
Same thing with the word "cunt". I'll not get into this one. But needless to say, it's one of my favorite words and I don't understand why people think it's such a bad word. I really don't.
The point - I'll probably laugh the first time Bailey drops the f-bomb. Honestly. And I'll probably tell her that using those words around other people is not appropriate until she is old enough to tell them to fuck off when they correct her. And inside, I'll still be laughing. Because I think it's funny. I really do.
Anyway. I've probably offended some people with this post. And I don't care today. Cause I'm grumpy. Bitchy, really.
Actually, I'm not. I'll be honest because today there is no other option. I don't give a shit about swearing. I really don't. Some people think it makes you sound uneducated. Some people think kids should not swear. Some people just think it's bad form.
Whatever.
I don't give a shit about swearing either way.
If you don't swear, good for you. I do. I like to swear. I think a well-placed "fuck" can really punch up a person's sentence. Hell, I think a poorly placed "fuck" is still a good exclamation point.
And I don't care if kids swear. The only reason I care is because other people look at you like you're a bad parent if you kid drops the "shit" or "fuck" bomb in public. Don't kids get frustrated too? And I am of the mind that shouting "shit" or "fuck" when something is shitty or fucked up is appropriate. I don't see why our kids shouldn't be able to express themselves in the same way.
Same thing with the word "cunt". I'll not get into this one. But needless to say, it's one of my favorite words and I don't understand why people think it's such a bad word. I really don't.
The point - I'll probably laugh the first time Bailey drops the f-bomb. Honestly. And I'll probably tell her that using those words around other people is not appropriate until she is old enough to tell them to fuck off when they correct her. And inside, I'll still be laughing. Because I think it's funny. I really do.
Anyway. I've probably offended some people with this post. And I don't care today. Cause I'm grumpy. Bitchy, really.
10/23/2008
Mirrors
Mom used to say that having children was like having a mirror held up in front of you at all times. You see the best and worst and everything in between...but you sure don't miss any of it.
As I was riding the bus to work this morning, I found myself contemplating Bailey and the human being that she is. She lives so fully in every moment. She doesn't just see something, she examines it. She touches, smells, tastes and absorbs it. Whatever "it" may be at the moment. When she is excited, she points and exclaims loudly. She talks a mile a minute and immerses herself in the exciting moment.
Nothing is halfway with Bailey. She is all or nothing. If she doesn't want something, she says "no" very simply and moves on. Nothing will distract her or convince her that she actually wants whatever she said she didn't want. But when she does want something, watch out. If you are not prepared to provide it, she will make it clear via all available methods that she NEEDS it. NOW. RIGHT NOW, DAMN IT.
But see, if you are stronger than she is, she will back down. When I say no to Bailey, she fights vocally and physically. But most of the time, when I respond strongly, she backs down. It's almost as if she is say, "Okay, Momma, you win." But if she senses weakness in you, she will push and push until you give in.
The child has humor. She doesn't even mean to have humor most of the time, but her approach to life is often comical. Because her actions and responses to the world around her are so big and exaggerated, it's often just funny. I find myself laughing at her all the time and truly enjoying her experience.
She's also brave. She can go into just about any situation and handle it. The other day, at the doctor's office, she didn't flinch when the doctor came in. She let him look in her ears, examine her hands and feet and even opened up and said "ahhhh" when he asked her too. Yes, she needed to be close to me, but she wasn't afraid of him. When he was finished she said "Thank you, Doc" and told him "bye bye".
And she's loving. She's so loving. She loves to be loved and she loves to see love. We have always had a "kissing circle" in our house. One of us starts and then everyone has to kiss everyone. Recently, though, she has been pushing my head to Kelly's during our kissing circles and saying "Momma kiss Mommy" or the other way around. She is learning about love, seeing our closeness and responding to it. She gives love too and finally says "I love you" back to us. She has learned to kiss with her mouth closed...and I must admit that I miss the big, open-mouthed, sloppy kisses of the past.
So back to this morning. As I was riding on the bus, I realized that these qualities of Bailey's that I so love and cherish in her are very similar to the qualities that my Momma always says she loves and cherishes so much in me.
It's the mirror thing. Bailey, by just existing in her own world as her own human being, reflects back the very best of us.
As I was riding the bus to work this morning, I found myself contemplating Bailey and the human being that she is. She lives so fully in every moment. She doesn't just see something, she examines it. She touches, smells, tastes and absorbs it. Whatever "it" may be at the moment. When she is excited, she points and exclaims loudly. She talks a mile a minute and immerses herself in the exciting moment.
Nothing is halfway with Bailey. She is all or nothing. If she doesn't want something, she says "no" very simply and moves on. Nothing will distract her or convince her that she actually wants whatever she said she didn't want. But when she does want something, watch out. If you are not prepared to provide it, she will make it clear via all available methods that she NEEDS it. NOW. RIGHT NOW, DAMN IT.
But see, if you are stronger than she is, she will back down. When I say no to Bailey, she fights vocally and physically. But most of the time, when I respond strongly, she backs down. It's almost as if she is say, "Okay, Momma, you win." But if she senses weakness in you, she will push and push until you give in.
The child has humor. She doesn't even mean to have humor most of the time, but her approach to life is often comical. Because her actions and responses to the world around her are so big and exaggerated, it's often just funny. I find myself laughing at her all the time and truly enjoying her experience.
She's also brave. She can go into just about any situation and handle it. The other day, at the doctor's office, she didn't flinch when the doctor came in. She let him look in her ears, examine her hands and feet and even opened up and said "ahhhh" when he asked her too. Yes, she needed to be close to me, but she wasn't afraid of him. When he was finished she said "Thank you, Doc" and told him "bye bye".
And she's loving. She's so loving. She loves to be loved and she loves to see love. We have always had a "kissing circle" in our house. One of us starts and then everyone has to kiss everyone. Recently, though, she has been pushing my head to Kelly's during our kissing circles and saying "Momma kiss Mommy" or the other way around. She is learning about love, seeing our closeness and responding to it. She gives love too and finally says "I love you" back to us. She has learned to kiss with her mouth closed...and I must admit that I miss the big, open-mouthed, sloppy kisses of the past.
So back to this morning. As I was riding on the bus, I realized that these qualities of Bailey's that I so love and cherish in her are very similar to the qualities that my Momma always says she loves and cherishes so much in me.
It's the mirror thing. Bailey, by just existing in her own world as her own human being, reflects back the very best of us.
10/21/2008
Connor Update
Kelly gave a really good time line last night, and it's worth posting...
0-7 Weeks Pregnant: massive boob growth, exhaustion.
7-17 Weeks Pregnant: everything under the sun and horrible, horrible sickness.
17-21 Weeks Pregnant: not so sick, but tremendous hunger.
That is the latest development. Kelly is so hungry. She rarely feels full, but she eats and then feels too full. It's the classic pregnancy conundrum.
Connor is growing very fast right now. It seems like every time we look at Kelly's belly, it is bigger. There is no hiding her pregnancy and she is wearing the full on maternity clothes. He belly button, while not popping yet, is pretty close.
Kelly's tummy has begun to itch. I catch her scratching it daily, and I can tell that she doesn't really know she is doing it.
Connor moves with a patterned regularity. Or rather, Kelly feels the patterns now. About 20 minutes after eating, Connor gets excited and starts moving. I finally felt him kick over the weekend. We've been trying for a while, and it has been obvious that I would have felt him long before now...but timing never works out. It finally worked this weekend and I felt our son moving. It was super exciting...
Kelly is now sleeping with two pillows - one in front and one in back - to relieve some of the pressure. Getting up off the floor is getting more difficult, but that is mostly because she has a pinched nerve in her back. The pregnancy is making that much more painful than it usually is. Chiropractic visits are in the future...
We have our 22 week appointment next Monday. More stats then!
0-7 Weeks Pregnant: massive boob growth, exhaustion.
7-17 Weeks Pregnant: everything under the sun and horrible, horrible sickness.
17-21 Weeks Pregnant: not so sick, but tremendous hunger.
That is the latest development. Kelly is so hungry. She rarely feels full, but she eats and then feels too full. It's the classic pregnancy conundrum.
Connor is growing very fast right now. It seems like every time we look at Kelly's belly, it is bigger. There is no hiding her pregnancy and she is wearing the full on maternity clothes. He belly button, while not popping yet, is pretty close.
Kelly's tummy has begun to itch. I catch her scratching it daily, and I can tell that she doesn't really know she is doing it.
Connor moves with a patterned regularity. Or rather, Kelly feels the patterns now. About 20 minutes after eating, Connor gets excited and starts moving. I finally felt him kick over the weekend. We've been trying for a while, and it has been obvious that I would have felt him long before now...but timing never works out. It finally worked this weekend and I felt our son moving. It was super exciting...
Kelly is now sleeping with two pillows - one in front and one in back - to relieve some of the pressure. Getting up off the floor is getting more difficult, but that is mostly because she has a pinched nerve in her back. The pregnancy is making that much more painful than it usually is. Chiropractic visits are in the future...
We have our 22 week appointment next Monday. More stats then!
Some days...
Some days I hate that our child is a daycare kid.
What we thought was teething turned out to be a "pretty bad" case of hand/food/mouth. There is a more official name (I even know what it is) but I can't spell it. So, even though it makes her sound like a sick cow or sheep, I say hand/foot/mouth.
She turned a corner overnight, and while she is home with me today (daycare policy), she is feeling much better. The worst of it was this weekend, when we thought she was teething.
We should have known. Teething has never hurt Bailey before.
I'm feeling much better, much less grumpy. I hate missing work - am I the only one who feels like a lazy slacker when I have to call in?
Our 11 year anniversary was this weekend. 11 years. 11 years since my entire life stopped and reformed itself around the most amazing woman I have ever met. 11 years since who I was and who I always wanted to be merged into who I am. 11 years since I found the meaning of happiness and 11 years since I discovered the honesty of loving another human being without pretense or question.
11 years. It feels like such a long time, and yet, I can remember every (nearly) moment.
I gave Kelly my heart again (symbolized with a hand-blown glass heart) and she gave me triple chocolate M&M's. LOL - sounds funny and yet, it was perfect. I've wanted those M&M's ever since I first saw them at Target. And they DID NOT disappoint.
Bailey got us a Wii to celebrate. We spent the rest of the weekend bowling, golfing, playing baseball and I spent quite a bit of time boxing. Good exercize. Super, super fun. We are getting Wii Fit (which is actually the reason that Bailey bought the Wii in the first place). I'm looking forward to it. It really is as fun as they say it is...
Kelly commented last night that Bailey got us the gift of time together. The last few nights, instead of sitting in our respective places and zoning out to TV, we've been on our feet, laughing, talking and playing games together.
I could be a Wii commercial.
It was a fantastic 11 year anniversary...with the promise of many more to come! I love you, honey.
What we thought was teething turned out to be a "pretty bad" case of hand/food/mouth. There is a more official name (I even know what it is) but I can't spell it. So, even though it makes her sound like a sick cow or sheep, I say hand/foot/mouth.
She turned a corner overnight, and while she is home with me today (daycare policy), she is feeling much better. The worst of it was this weekend, when we thought she was teething.
We should have known. Teething has never hurt Bailey before.
I'm feeling much better, much less grumpy. I hate missing work - am I the only one who feels like a lazy slacker when I have to call in?
Our 11 year anniversary was this weekend. 11 years. 11 years since my entire life stopped and reformed itself around the most amazing woman I have ever met. 11 years since who I was and who I always wanted to be merged into who I am. 11 years since I found the meaning of happiness and 11 years since I discovered the honesty of loving another human being without pretense or question.
11 years. It feels like such a long time, and yet, I can remember every (nearly) moment.
I gave Kelly my heart again (symbolized with a hand-blown glass heart) and she gave me triple chocolate M&M's. LOL - sounds funny and yet, it was perfect. I've wanted those M&M's ever since I first saw them at Target. And they DID NOT disappoint.
Bailey got us a Wii to celebrate. We spent the rest of the weekend bowling, golfing, playing baseball and I spent quite a bit of time boxing. Good exercize. Super, super fun. We are getting Wii Fit (which is actually the reason that Bailey bought the Wii in the first place). I'm looking forward to it. It really is as fun as they say it is...
Kelly commented last night that Bailey got us the gift of time together. The last few nights, instead of sitting in our respective places and zoning out to TV, we've been on our feet, laughing, talking and playing games together.
I could be a Wii commercial.
It was a fantastic 11 year anniversary...with the promise of many more to come! I love you, honey.
10/19/2008
Miserable Weekend
What a miserable weekend.
Bailey is currently teething 4 molars. Her gums are horribly swollen and even an every three hour regimen of Tylenol, Motrin, Tylenol cannot keep the pain away. Last night she was up every 2 hours, sobbing and begging me to help her and clutching her jaw. The days have been miserable with a clingy, miserable child.
It's been a long weekend.
And wouldn't you know...it happened on the weekend of our anniversary. Of course.
More later. It wasn't all bad this weekend. But I'm exhausted, moody and even though we just put Bailey down, she is in her bed screaming for me. I'm miserable too.
Bailey is currently teething 4 molars. Her gums are horribly swollen and even an every three hour regimen of Tylenol, Motrin, Tylenol cannot keep the pain away. Last night she was up every 2 hours, sobbing and begging me to help her and clutching her jaw. The days have been miserable with a clingy, miserable child.
It's been a long weekend.
And wouldn't you know...it happened on the weekend of our anniversary. Of course.
More later. It wasn't all bad this weekend. But I'm exhausted, moody and even though we just put Bailey down, she is in her bed screaming for me. I'm miserable too.
10/16/2008
10/15/2008
She's Brilliant
I think our child is brilliant. I say this knowing that I'm completely biased and that Bailey is probably just a normal kid. But still. I think she's a genius.
Especially because she cares about the same things I do.
For instance - she likes things clean. After eating she holds out her hands and asks for them to be cleaned.
Another example - last night, she proved that she knows how to close the dishwasher, lock it and then turn it on (to the right cycle, I might add). She proved it because she did it.
And she talks. She talks like I have never heard another child her age talk. There is nothing she can't say and she repeats everything. Last night on the way home, she recited all the colors in the rainbow to me (including black, brown and white). She said all her numbers, 1-10. She is beginning to string words together in ways that make sense. For instance, if I say "your dinner" she repeats "my dinner". She knows when things are hers and when they aren't. She talks about her "brother Connor". She asks to color, knows where they are kept and asks appropriately. The other day, she stood in the family room and pointed to the kitchen saying "paint". We didn't understand her (we had never heard her use the word before). After about 5 times, of us looking and point to various other objects, she went to the fridge (her art supplies are on top of the fridge) and said "color".
God, I love her. She makes me laugh, she makes me stare at her and wonder where this incredible creature came from. How could I have grown her? She seems to be the very best of both of us, wrapped up into this walking, talking little girl. She's got attitude that I adore, even when it pisses me off. She's smart, she's funny, she's charming and god, she is so beautiful to me.
On the way out of daycare this morning, she asked for a final kiss goodbye and when I gave it to her, she wiped the tears out of her eyes, smiled at me and said "goodbye Momma". So simple, and yet it's the reason my day will be spectacular.
I'm not sure who to thank. I'm not a God person, but if I were, I'd think him/her. I'm not very spiritual, and yet I know that she is not just a product of our love. She is a creature unto herself, and a gift from this life. She is the best thing that has ever happened to Kelly and I, and there are no words...none...that could ever express the joy she has brought to our lives.
What a love child she is. And god, what love we feel.
Especially because she cares about the same things I do.
For instance - she likes things clean. After eating she holds out her hands and asks for them to be cleaned.
Another example - last night, she proved that she knows how to close the dishwasher, lock it and then turn it on (to the right cycle, I might add). She proved it because she did it.
And she talks. She talks like I have never heard another child her age talk. There is nothing she can't say and she repeats everything. Last night on the way home, she recited all the colors in the rainbow to me (including black, brown and white). She said all her numbers, 1-10. She is beginning to string words together in ways that make sense. For instance, if I say "your dinner" she repeats "my dinner". She knows when things are hers and when they aren't. She talks about her "brother Connor". She asks to color, knows where they are kept and asks appropriately. The other day, she stood in the family room and pointed to the kitchen saying "paint". We didn't understand her (we had never heard her use the word before). After about 5 times, of us looking and point to various other objects, she went to the fridge (her art supplies are on top of the fridge) and said "color".
God, I love her. She makes me laugh, she makes me stare at her and wonder where this incredible creature came from. How could I have grown her? She seems to be the very best of both of us, wrapped up into this walking, talking little girl. She's got attitude that I adore, even when it pisses me off. She's smart, she's funny, she's charming and god, she is so beautiful to me.
On the way out of daycare this morning, she asked for a final kiss goodbye and when I gave it to her, she wiped the tears out of her eyes, smiled at me and said "goodbye Momma". So simple, and yet it's the reason my day will be spectacular.
I'm not sure who to thank. I'm not a God person, but if I were, I'd think him/her. I'm not very spiritual, and yet I know that she is not just a product of our love. She is a creature unto herself, and a gift from this life. She is the best thing that has ever happened to Kelly and I, and there are no words...none...that could ever express the joy she has brought to our lives.
What a love child she is. And god, what love we feel.
10/14/2008
The Inbox
Why is it that my inbox never seems to decrease in size? I come in every single day with the intention of getting to that last email and having very little left. It never happens.
I counted today, and I recieved 124 emails from 7 AM to now (it's about 2:45). I leave in about 5 minutes, which means tomorrow morning I'll have another 40 or 50 unread messages. How can that possibly be??
Anyway. Off to get my beautiful, non-technologically savvy baby girl who makes this all worthwhile.
I counted today, and I recieved 124 emails from 7 AM to now (it's about 2:45). I leave in about 5 minutes, which means tomorrow morning I'll have another 40 or 50 unread messages. How can that possibly be??
Anyway. Off to get my beautiful, non-technologically savvy baby girl who makes this all worthwhile.
Thoughtful
Peace is not a word that I would have used to describe myself in the past 17 months. The process of becoming a mother, figure it out and then adjusting accordingly has not been easy for me.
When I was carrying Bailey, I was so excited and happy. I had no idea what was coming, or that I would feel like a freight train had hit my life and taken away everything I held dear when she arrived. Part of that was the severe round of post partum deppression I dealt with, but the majority of it was simply that I had no idea what it meant to be a mother. I was incapable of imagining the incredible need of a child and what that means for the people who meet those needs. I just didn't know.
When she arrived - all 10.9 pounds of her - with her very loud cry and her terrible sleep schedule, I completely lost my mind. It wasn't just the tasks, it was everything. It was the percieved loss of my life, in all aspects. I felt like there was absolutely nothing left once we were done being parents and all we had in the end was a crying, colicky baby who didn't sleep well and who just kep taking, taking, taking. I hated being a mother. I craved the life that I had before I was a mother and when I hit my lowest point, I wanted what I had before I ever met Kelly. I dreamed of moving backward in time, back to college and partying and the release of drinking, dancing, smoking and being young.
I was anything but peaceful. I wasn't even happy.
Of course, none of this had anything to do with Bailey. She was doing exactly what an infant is supposed to do. I never blamed her, but I did want to escape from her. I imagined her the end of my life.
It's hard to say those things, but there you have it. It's my truth and I will never hide from it.
But things have changed. A lot.
Maybe it's just that I am older. Maybe it's because I know that I can be a good mother and that together, Kelly and I have raised a child who is thriving. She's is happy, loved, comfortable and has a life that many would envy. We give her what she needs and she is a wonderful child because of it.
Kelly and I have found each other again. Through it all, we never really lost each other, but we came damn close. We never checked out, but we could have. It got that bad. And we've come through that. We've emerged out the other side stronger, happier and better partners, people and parents because of it.
And now, we have a son on the way. Every dream we've ever had, is coming true.
I feel excited about the arrival of Connor in a way that I didn't feel (and didn't know to feel) with Bailey. I know what is coming. I understand that Kelly and I will be exhausted and that for the first year or so, there will be nothing left over. I also know that as this child grows into a toddler, we will come back to center. Maybe a different center than the one we had before Bailey, or the one we've just recently found again...but we will find center again. I know how hard it is.
But I also know how wonderful it is. Every moment that I spend with Bailey reminds me that no matter who difficult the moment may be, there is such a rich and wonderful reward at the end of it. Seeing her grow, and knowing that Kelly and I are the reason she is thriving, is such an amazing feeling.
Maybe it's just trust. I can't imagine that the process of having an infant could be any more difficult than it was with Bailey. But I trust that if it is, Kelly and I will stay strong through it. And even if we are not strong, we are both there 100%.
I feel peace. I do not want what I used to have. I want what we've created. I see my life and I can't imagine it without Kelly, without Bailey and without Connor. My definition of myself is as a mother and a wife. I am not, and don't want to be, anyone other than who I am.
I am peaceful. And I can't wait for our son to be born. I cannot wait to fold him into our life.
When I was carrying Bailey, I was so excited and happy. I had no idea what was coming, or that I would feel like a freight train had hit my life and taken away everything I held dear when she arrived. Part of that was the severe round of post partum deppression I dealt with, but the majority of it was simply that I had no idea what it meant to be a mother. I was incapable of imagining the incredible need of a child and what that means for the people who meet those needs. I just didn't know.
When she arrived - all 10.9 pounds of her - with her very loud cry and her terrible sleep schedule, I completely lost my mind. It wasn't just the tasks, it was everything. It was the percieved loss of my life, in all aspects. I felt like there was absolutely nothing left once we were done being parents and all we had in the end was a crying, colicky baby who didn't sleep well and who just kep taking, taking, taking. I hated being a mother. I craved the life that I had before I was a mother and when I hit my lowest point, I wanted what I had before I ever met Kelly. I dreamed of moving backward in time, back to college and partying and the release of drinking, dancing, smoking and being young.
I was anything but peaceful. I wasn't even happy.
Of course, none of this had anything to do with Bailey. She was doing exactly what an infant is supposed to do. I never blamed her, but I did want to escape from her. I imagined her the end of my life.
It's hard to say those things, but there you have it. It's my truth and I will never hide from it.
But things have changed. A lot.
Maybe it's just that I am older. Maybe it's because I know that I can be a good mother and that together, Kelly and I have raised a child who is thriving. She's is happy, loved, comfortable and has a life that many would envy. We give her what she needs and she is a wonderful child because of it.
Kelly and I have found each other again. Through it all, we never really lost each other, but we came damn close. We never checked out, but we could have. It got that bad. And we've come through that. We've emerged out the other side stronger, happier and better partners, people and parents because of it.
And now, we have a son on the way. Every dream we've ever had, is coming true.
I feel excited about the arrival of Connor in a way that I didn't feel (and didn't know to feel) with Bailey. I know what is coming. I understand that Kelly and I will be exhausted and that for the first year or so, there will be nothing left over. I also know that as this child grows into a toddler, we will come back to center. Maybe a different center than the one we had before Bailey, or the one we've just recently found again...but we will find center again. I know how hard it is.
But I also know how wonderful it is. Every moment that I spend with Bailey reminds me that no matter who difficult the moment may be, there is such a rich and wonderful reward at the end of it. Seeing her grow, and knowing that Kelly and I are the reason she is thriving, is such an amazing feeling.
Maybe it's just trust. I can't imagine that the process of having an infant could be any more difficult than it was with Bailey. But I trust that if it is, Kelly and I will stay strong through it. And even if we are not strong, we are both there 100%.
I feel peace. I do not want what I used to have. I want what we've created. I see my life and I can't imagine it without Kelly, without Bailey and without Connor. My definition of myself is as a mother and a wife. I am not, and don't want to be, anyone other than who I am.
I am peaceful. And I can't wait for our son to be born. I cannot wait to fold him into our life.
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