Our Little and Littler Honey

New Blog

2009-12-27T06:06:00.000-05:00

I wrote on Christmas morning about a new initiative I have for 2010 to blog every day. For some time I have also wanted to open my blog up to the public - not be so secretive about it. We initially "went private" because we were posting a lot of personal information. We were using our real names, posting picture of our children, details about things like when we'll be on vacation. You know - stuff you don't want out on in the real world.

So we went private and my blog got limited to those of you who took the initiative to actually ask or and then sign up for a password and then to come check it every day.

Well, in the new year, I am going to begin a new blog. I have linked it to this post and there will be a link to it on the sidebar soon.

I have chosen to call it "Our Little & Littler Honey Lite". The point of it will be to document the lives of our children. I have to say that I am going to do less soul searching there and more documentation. Of course, my personality will come through, but the deep shit won't make it to that blog. Hence...the "Lite". In any event, this blog will remain open and I may post here from time to time. Sometimes there are things I just need to get off my chest. This site will remain password protected.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T05:34:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas 2010, everyone! What a beautiful thing it is to sit in front of a beautiful Christmas tree, loaded with gifts from Santa. I know that the kids are going to wake up soon and the insanity will ensue. Right now, I am loving the quiet, peaceful moments.

I am missing my family this year in a way that I haven't in years. I am craving the load craziness that we used to have - the joy, the noise, the people. I wish that I were surrounded, and that our children had the same kind of excitment that I had growing up. I can only do so much to create magic - sometimes other people are needed. I spent quite a bit of time yesterday crying - I'm not that there was any reason, except feeling lonely.

A conversation with Andrea helped pull me out my funk. Last night ended well, although early.

After an incredibly festive season, I am ready to put Christmas away this year and excited to think about how I will avoid these blues next year. We'll be with family - or family will be with us - in some way.

I have a new initiative for this coming year. My goal is to blog every morning, before the kids get up. I have missed blogging my life. I haven't made much time for it and I miss it. I like having the record. The other, more important reason, is that I want to keep a record of how our first year goes as a stay-at-home family. The good, the awesome...the difficult. All of it. I want to have a clear record, so that if lose sight, I have something to look back at.

So, that is my New Year's resolution. There is more, but I need to make a pumpkin pie before the family wakes up. I need to get it in the oven so that we are able to put the cinnamon rolls in the oven - as is our tradition - when everyone wakes up.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

For My Children

2009-12-14T18:51:00.000-05:00

Bailey and Connor. My loves. You are the joy in my life...really the joy of my life. You are the reason for all I do, and everything happens with you at the front of my heart.

These last few months have been chaotic at best. We have all struggled a bit and the ground has felt shaky.

I have decided to leave my job and be your Momma exclusively. A part of me has struggled with this decision, because I do not want you to think less of me for not being a powerful business woman and your parent. I want you to see me as strong, capable and able. I am afraid, in some ways, of not making my own money and not having all the luxuries of working. I am a bit apprehensive about spending all day, every day defined as your parent and what that means for the woman who is not your parent.

But then, my loves, I look at you. And I realze that every moment I spend away from you is a moment of your life I miss. I look at you and I see the best definition of me that I have ever known. I feel your hugs and the way my body aches after carrying one or both of you for extended periods of time, and I know that there is nothing else I would rather do.

The losses in this decision are few, and carry no weight, when I am with you.

Sometimes I feel like I don't say enough how truly central you are to my life. I cannot imagine a world that did not include the two of you.

Connor, my beautiful son. You are everything I ever dreamed you would be. You love with such openness and the joy you find in the world has opened my heart to it's beauty. I love your nose crinkle when you smile and the way your tongue is always out of your mouth. I love how you crawl - with your head down, barreling forward. And I love how you stop in the middle of it, sit up and look around to make sure you are still on course. I hope that measured trait stays with you. I love how you grab and taste everything and your impish smile when you know you are doing something you shouldn't. Most of all, I love that perfect baby pout of yours and the way your face crumples when you don't get your way. You have moved into our family, with all the grace and beauty that is you. I simply adore you, son of mine.

And Bailey. God, I almost cannot find words. You are the daughter that I dreamed of. I know you from somewhere so deep and primal. You are spirited, joyful and fully engaged in the world. You usher me through every "first" in parenting, and flawed though I may be, your love for me remains pure. You are such a gift to me. You giggles, your pouts, your tears, your wonder - through you, I see the world and your life has defined my place in it. I only hope that I can give you a fraction of what you have already given me.

My loves, your Mommy and I are strong. I know that sometimes we fight and you see it. But trust in this: we are okay and we will be. Our love started long before you were born, and it endures as strongly as it ever was. I hope that you see in us what true love can be. I hope that when it is your turn to find love, that we are a model for you to use. I love your Mommy. Our lives are forever braided together, and no amount of daily stress can change that. We will be your parents, always. We will love you, and each other, without condition or fail.

My sweet babes, I love you. From the very tips of my toes to the depths of my soul. Always.

Your Momma

I Should Be Working

2009-12-09T21:55:00.002-05:00

But not for long!!!! It's almost 10 PM at night - and I should be working. But I find myself so frustrated with work right now, and I am short-timing in a major way. The Christmas tree is sparkling at me and I am so distracted.

Life is good right now. I feel like I can breathe. There are still the normal conflicts - the daily shit that just drudges up when you have two people as different as Kelly and I trying to make a life together. But me - the inside me - is finally feeling a sense of calm and purpose.

January 6th is the new date. I am submitting my notice on December 21 - the Monday following the Friday when I get my year-end bonus. I am done January 6th - staying long enough into the new year to collect my 401K partner match for 2009 and to ensure that I have my medical and dental insurance until the end of January. But then, the work part of my life is done for now.

It's amazing - I feel like I've been chasing my tail for years with my career. First - I never really had a career. I had jobs that paid well (for the most part) and that provided me with insurance. In other words - I was a grown up. But my jobs never, ever felt like career paths to me. I mean, I don't want to work in a law firm my entire life. Honestly, I don't like lawyers that much (no offense to any lawyers out there). I've worked for big firms where the lawyers make a shitload of money and the staff make peanuts in comparision. I've shined - I've been a super hard worker and kicked ass. But I've never felt like I was doing something that I just HAD to do for the rest of my life. It was just always what I was doing at the time - nothing more.

And then I had kids and the job was just what I was doing because I needed the income. While I pregnant, my current job provided me with great health insurance and then a fully paid maternity leave. After Connor was born, this same job gave me 8 weeks to be with them. I mean, it's been awesome. And I've worked my ass off for them.

But now, I have a new focus. My entire gaze has turned inward to my family. The second I gave myself permission to let go of the image I held of myself as a big, powerful worker, my entire focus shifted. Which was my first sign that I had been focusing in the wrong place all along.

I know this for sure - for right now, this is the very best and most right choice. I belong with my children. They need me and I need them. My wife needs a wife. My home needs a full time caretaker. Our life as a family needs a shepard - a guide. We need the organization and the attention that comes from having an adult devoted to nothing more than making the 1000 piece puzzle that is raising children come together. And there is no person better suited to this than me.

I am bracing myself for the challenges, and I know there will be many. I have good friends who are around, who are stay at home Moms themselves, who I have been in close contact with. I am asking the tough questions and really listening to what people are telling me. Mostly, I'm listening to my gut. My gut tells me to take this slowly, to expect transitional issues from all four of us, to not create an image of how it's going to be and to be ready to be flexible.

I am as ready as I can be for this new phase in my life. I have no idea what comes next. I am leaving it in the hands of fate. For now, I am going to allow myself to stop worrying about the world at large and just let myself focus here - on my home, my family and myself.

Connor P

2009-12-03T05:14:00.001-05:00

Connor had his surgery yesterday for tube insertion and ateniod removal. Mommy and Momma were worried, but all went well. We reported to Children's Hospital at 5:45 AM. Neither of us had slept much, we were short on caffine and hadn't really eaten. We registered quickly - having to do a bit of education about being a two woman family. Kelly was holding Connor and I was handling the paperwork. Well, the woman registering us was weirded out by that and wanted Kelly to sign. Connor was a bit freaked out, though, and prefers Kelly when he is in those moods. I wasn't about to take him and piss him off right before surgery. So I told her that, even though Kelly was the bio mom, I would be signing the paperwork. She then spent 5 minutes examining the adoption decree (which we had brought with us) to make sure that was going to be acceptable. In the end, it was fine and I didn't need to make a scene.

After registration, we waited. But not for long. They brought us back and had us change Connor into a gown. Seriously - they have little hospital gowns for tiny people! Sad and super cute. We got him changed, the nurses checked him out and cleared him for surgery. We waited in this crowded playroom for a while and then finally talked to the anesthesiologist. We asked if we could be in the room when Connor was put to sleep, but after checking they said no. In the end, I think that was for the best. Our nervousness would have made him more nervous. Then we spoke with our doctor's assistants. Then we waited. They finally came back to take Connor to surgery at 7:50 AM. We walked with him and then they took him from us. He didn't cry when he was taken...thank god.

The surgery took just about an hour. They had a monitor that told us when the surgery was complete. While we were waiting to be called back, the doctor's assistant came out and let us know that everything was fine. Connor did great. We were allowed back to recovery about 10 minutes later. Connor was groggy and in pain. They gave him a narcotic and it helped. They also gave him a Tylenol suppository and told us that he would be uncomfortable for the day, but would likely be back to himself by the next day.

The first few hours were a bit rough - he slept off and on, but when he was awake, he wasn't happy. By about 2:30, he seemed to be feeling better, though and was up and crawling and playing.

Kelly, on the other hand, got a massive migraine from the stress, lack of food, lack of caffine and very little sleep. Poor woman. After a short nap and some food, she was feeling a bit better.

We are home with Connor again today, but plan to finish up some Christmas shopping. It's gonna be a festive day!

All told, we are happy with the outcome. We hated our doctor - Dr. Zal Zal. He never did come to see us - before or after the surgery. It wasn't until we made a comment to the recovery nurse (who was amazing) that we hadn't seen the surgeon that he showed up. He walked into the recovery room, stayed for about 2 minutes, spouted off instructions we already had, and then left. If Connor ends up needing tubes again or his tonsils out, we'll go to a different doctor.

Well, we survived our first surgery...LOL!

Ramblings

2009-11-24T07:58:00.000-05:00

Kelly was quick to point out that my last posy was wrong...LOL! Connor was only a couple of days away from being 9 months old when his tooth was cut...not 8 1/2 months. AND, we had not moved the crib to the lowest setting...it was moved to the middle setting.

But, since that post, it has gone down to the lowest. And Connor has gone from a tentative crawler to a full blown crawler! On Saturday, he just took off. He's a boy on the move!

His 9 month check up was yesterday. He weighed 21 pounds, 11 ounces. For the life of me, I can't remember his length, but I know he was very close to the 75th percentile. He's a big boy! He was also given the first of two H1N1 shots and a hep B vaccine. Then we had to get his blood drawn. He was cleared for surgery next week.

So, I think the time has come to let you all in on the newest plans. On December 31st, I am submitting my notice and staying home with our kids. I have always said that I never wanted to do this, but once again, fate called my bluff. Turns out that forgiving myself allowed me to see beyond my fear and my own perception of myself as an unfit parent. I want to be with my kids. My life revolves around my family. I am so tired of allowing the insanity of my job come before them. We worked it out financially, and on January 15, I start a new job. Probably the hardest one I've ever had! But I can't wait.

Kelly, with her characteristic risk management, has been hesitant. She agrees with all the "why's" but she worries about me. Which makes her a good wife. She's on board and together we will make this work.

I am excited, and feel like I have found the right solution for right now. No promises for the future - I'm not making plans. For now, I'm going to do this...later? Who knows...and frankly, who cares?

He Has a Tooth!

2009-11-19T21:32:00.002-05:00

He's leaping through life again, friends...

Connor finally, finally, finally has his first tooth at just about 8 1/2 months.

And he's standing for periods of time on his own. Not long, of course, but getting there. We had to move the crib down to the lowest setting so that he would not fall out when he stands up in it.

God, it's going fast.

Grown Up Overnight

2009-11-16T17:34:00.000-05:00

It seems that our children grow up in lurches and leaps instead of the slow pace we might wish for.

Over the course of last night Connor crawled for the first time and pulled himself up to standing in his crib for the first time!

The crawling ended a long-running bet between Kelly and I. I arbitrarily picked November 17 out of the air and said he wouldn't crawl until after that date. Little man beat my date by two days!!!

As for the crib standing - it ushers us into what is fast becoming a sleep problem. Connor doesn't like to be left. Ever. The second you lay him down, he screams. Now, he has the ability to stand up and look for us.

His days in our room are numbered...but Kelly is in charge of this decision, so I am backing off and letting her decide. After all, when he is up in the night, it is her (and her breasts) he want. I firmly believe that the partner handling the load gets the lion's share of the decision...

More later!

Dear Momma, I Forgive You. Love, Momma.

2009-11-09T18:32:00.001-05:00

After more than two and a half years, I have finally forgiven myself. For succumbing to an illness I had no control over. For wanting to leave the woman who was strong enough to love me through the hell I dragged her through. For imagining my child dead to get me through the moments I thought I couldn't bear. For planning my own death over and over again. For believing I was worthless and better dead than alive. For believing that I would never love my children the way I wanted to. For hating her for taking away the life I had before her. For hating my wife. For hating myself, the very air I breathed. For hating every movement and for completely trashing on the very essence of me.

I forgive you. Mikki - do you hear me? I forgive you.

It's real. For those of you who are not yet parents or who got through it without post partum depression, it's very, very real. It happens without reason or warning. It happens even if you spent years planning for that magical moment you become a mother. It happens when you have a loving, supportive partner. It happens when you have family who loves you. It happens when you are watching for it. It comes from no where and it is so foreign to anything you ever thought you would feel that you have no name for it. And nobody is talking about it. The real, hard shit is glossed over in a series of "yeah, but it's worth it right?" and you lose your fucking mind. What do you say when everyone is telling you what your feeling is normal and when you are too ashamed to reveal what you are really thinking? How do you own that? In between exhaustion, poop, feeding, exhaustion, fear, a complete lack of privacy and the constant, pounding screaming? What do you do when you can't even trust your thoughts to your beloved because you can't bear to see your perceived failing reflected back? Where do you turn?

I don't know why or how I survived. I don't know what stopped me from acting on my plans. Kelly loaded our gun at my urging. I told her I was afraid of not being able to protect our child. I asked her to load our gun. I lied to her. I planned my death, down to the timing. So that Bailey would only be alone for a few minutes before Kelly got home from work. I sat for hours every day staring at that gun. I dreamed about the freedom. I imagined pure darkness where I couldn't feel anything. Where my brain would stop pounding me from all sides.

I didn't do it because every time I brought Bailey upstairs at the end of the day, to put her in her crib and pull that trigger, I imagined Kelly walking in. My plan was based on knowing that Kelly could carry on without me. But I could never get past the thought that I didn't think she could survive finding me like that.

Just about a month ago, I shared this with her. That was my last real part of healing. That bright white light has been cast upon that part of my experience. And I forgive myself.

And now, I have shared it with you. Please, if you take anything from this blog, take this message: care for the women and the partners of those women in your life who have children. Really care for them. Go to their homes and do the dirty work. Do the dishes. Do the laundry. Cook. But mostly, be there to see what those people can't tell you. Exhaustion and shame are powerful covers and you can't ask for help when you are so desperate. Kelly couldn't see what was happening with me through her own process of becoming a mother. This single-family mentality has never been more dangerous for women than in the process of birth. Please, reach out to those you love. Make it a priority. Do the dirty work. And watch. You can see what new, exhausted parents cannot.

Over This

2009-11-07T06:10:00.002-05:00

Connor is sick again - and all indications point to him also having another ear infection. He's tugging on his right ear almost constantly. On top of that, he spent yesterday vomiting after every feeding. I'm talking big, huge, mouth-gushing, out-the-nose vomiting that left him panting and clinging and wimpering. He's also got loose poop. He's not running a fever.

On the other hand, he ate well last night and the fell asleep and slept through the night. He was asleep by 7 PM and didn't wake up to eat again until this morning at 5 AM. He ate a little bit and seemed to be struggling with it. He snuggled with Kelly and then I rocked him for a while. He fell asleep and is upstairs now sleeping. Kelly and I are preparing to get him into our pediatrician for a sick-day appointment.

(an hour passes)

Okay - well, as I was writing that, Connor woke up. He seemed like he was doing much better. Mommy, Connor and I all snuggled in bed for a while. Connor ate more and then vomited it all up. But he seems to be in good spirits. We'll call the nurse and see what she thinks. We still think he's nursing along another ear infection, but at this point, I'm not sure he could take another round of antibiotics on his sensitive stomach.

These are the parts of parenting that suck completely.

Oh...and...

2009-11-06T09:41:00.001-05:00

Bailey picked out the super-pink, ultra girly, ridiculously gross pink jacket. Kelly honored her wishes and that's what she ended up with. I'll gag every time I see it.

But Bailey is happy.

Our Marriage...

2009-11-06T07:12:00.000-05:00

...is defined by the 12 years of history and stories we share.

...is defined by the moments we walk into a room and the other's heart stops beating for just a second.

...is defined by the two children we call ours and by the journey of love we took together to bring them into this world.

...is defined by a night spent in the hot tub, sharing wine and promises that endure today.

...is defined by the forgiveness we afford each other for the petty mistakes and the routine annoyance.

...is defined by the comfort of our entwined hands each night as we fall asleep.

...is defined by the shared vision of our future.

...is defined by the most basic truth that there is nobody else who could love us like we love each other.

...is defined by every moment when we choose to stay instead of run.

...is defined by a committement so deep that we would literally move heaven and earth to honor it.

...it is NOT defined by gender.

Fall Blows In

2009-11-05T08:33:00.002-05:00

Overnight it seems to have gotten cold in Maryland. Fall is like that here - first, you think it's not going to come and then one day you wake up and the trees are in full color (whatever that means here) and then the next day, it's cold and the leaves are on the ground. The season is wierd. Winter never really comes. It's like this long, dark, cold spell occassionally broken up by an icy "snow" that usually amounts to 3 inches or so. And everyone panics. And annoys the shit out of me.

This year was a bit different. The leaves actually turned colors instead of brown. We have had so much rain that they were able to turn slowly. It was beautiful, but made me ache for Maine and the beauty that is Fall in New England. I don't often miss my home state with such intensity, but this Fall has been hard.

And now it's cold. Kelly, who is home sick today with Bailey...who isn't actually sick, is going to Target to buy her winter jacket. The layered kind. The really warm kind. With a matching hat that fits and some mittens or gloves. She plays outside a lot at school and we need to know she is warm. We're going with purple again this year - it's our pink compromise. She likes girly. We can't do the pepto pink. Purple is often the compromise.

I am dancing around the big pink elephant in the room and that is why I can't say much. You all know by now that when something is going on, the only way to keep it quiet is to not talk at all. I can't, and won't, pretend. But we are not yet ready to release the news about our upcoming plans. We are still planning and things are not completely set yet. But big changes are coming and those changes are all I can think about. So, for now, forgive the surface posts. We should be ready to share the news in a couple of weeks.

He Speaks!!!

2009-11-01T14:44:00.000-05:00

Yes, that's right! Our Connor has officially said his first word. He has been making "ma ma ma" sounds for a while, but over the last few days he has started saying "Mumma". He says it in our direction (no differentiation between us). He does not say it during his regular babbling. He very deliberate about it. So...his first word is "Mumma" and it has happened at just over 8 months!! Pretty cool!

He's also creeping. Mind you, he's still not crawling. But he can pull himself up and he is starting to pull himself along the ottamon. He's not doing it regularly - and he can't always pull himself up. He's still in the beginning stages, but it's happening. Bailey was fully walking when she was 10 months old. He's on track for that or sooner.

Connor is also sick. We are on day 4 of this illness. We're not sure what is going on with him, but he keeps getting fevers. He's been out of school for two days and will be home again tomorrow. He'll go back to the doctors. I hope they can figure out what is going on. We are in that stage were he is getting sick constantly. His near-continuous ear infections are not helping. His surgery for tubes and atnoid removal is scheduled for December 2. Hopefully that fixes the ear problems.

Bailey is doing great! We are in such a hot/cold stage with her. She is either an angel or she's a devil. We are working through each moment and things are starting to improve. She is really growing up so quickly...

Kelly and I are doing well. We are in deep discussions...but more on that another day.

Are You Going To Be Happy Today?

2009-10-21T16:54:00.000-04:00

That's the question I got from Bailey a few days ago. Like a knife stabbing into my heart, I looked down at the child I adore and then past her to my equally adored son and I realized one thing.

My life isn't working.

I can't do this constantly. I am running ragged trying to balance a demanding job, the pressures of parenting, a ridiculous commute, and a relationship that has so neglected and abused that it is a mere shadow of what it once was. In short, the reality that I am not Super Woman has never been more painfully clear.

Ironically, the decision to make some very real changes has never been so easy.

I am looking for a new job. The only qualities that it must have is a short commute and the ability for us to continue paying the bills. I am purposefully looking for low-level administrative work in the hopes that the meanial tasks will free up some room in my strung out brain. I don't have a set salary in mind, but I am expecting to take a substantial pay cut.

In the end, we will make it work. What doesn't work is what I am doing now. I need to be able to be a parent, with the ability to block some of my stress from my children. Right now, I am so overwhelmed that I am barely able to meet their basic needs. This just is not ever going to be okay with me. Ever. Our children should not have to pay for the life we have chosen, and I will move heaven and earth to make sure that my daughter never wonders if I am going to be happy again.

In happier news, our Connor is working hard at crawling. He rocks on all fours and can pull himself mostly up if given the right platform to grip. We have a standing bet going...Kelly says he will crawl before November 17 and I say after. She's probably going to win this one.

Also, our Connor blows kisses. They are the sweetest kisses I get!

Bailey (AKA - The First-Born Experiment)

2009-10-07T17:25:00.000-04:00

This morning, when I discovered I could blog from my blackberry on the bus, I was so excited!!! I actually have TIME on the bus, and there is no other time in my days that I can say that. I will save the availabilty of time discussion for the top 20 list for me and Kelly, though. This is about Bailey.

1) Bailey is one month away from being 2 1/2 years old. She is every bit a two year old, down to the classic meltdowns and the moments where we look at her and wonder where she came from.

2) She knows what she wants, what she doesn't want, how she wants things to happen and how to complain (loudly) if things don't happen the way she is anticipating.

3) Her language skills are off the charts. Of all the things Bailey is good at, it is her language that blows people out of the water. She talks like she is 4, with correct grammer. She pronounces everything correctly and she speaks in full, complete thoughts. She has mastered tenses. Honestly, there is nothing that she needs that she cannot articulate.

4) She is smart. I don't mean this in a bragging parent way. My assessment is based on true, constructive feedback from her care providers and those who interact with her. She "gets" things that a two year old should not get. Like, she gets the concept of time, for example. She knows all of the categories of things that you teach kids her age. Wierd things too, like knowing the difference between a square, a rectangle and a diamond. She's smart.

5) She has stopped potty training. She knows how to do it. She knows when she needs to go. But she doesn't want to do it right now. She still uses the potty at school, in the group setting. But not at home. We're sticking with our relaxed policy. We're letting her lead us on this one.

6) She's a good eater. She still loves fruit. She eats most veggies, although not in the same quantity. She isn't picky and she eats a lot at a time.

7) She is starting to get emotions. For instance, when I am upset with her, she gets worried. She asks me if I am happy. I am having to be very, very careful with my reactions and keep them focused. No more blowing off steam in front of her. Because while she gets the emotion, she does NOT get the nuance. She takes it on and worries that she is to blame. That is NOT something that is okay.

8) She says "fuck". My fault. Completly. I've told her that is an adult word and she cannot use it until she is a grown up. I knew it would happen sooner or later. And, yes, it still makes me laugh.

9) She is a good sleeper. She is comfy in her room, goes to bed easily and sleeps through the night fully. Phew!

10) She is in 4T clothes, size 9 shoes and is big for her age. She's just as beautiful as ever.

11) She has cut her top two year old molers, but the bottom two are not in yet.

12) She is a great dancer and singer and does both frequently.

13) Is an AWESOME big sister. Seriously awesome. She adores her "Connor Buddy" and he adores her.

14) She is as intense as ever, but the increased independance makes that a bit easier to take. Except, of course, when we need her to do something.

15) She alternates between Barney and Elmo DVDs. Right now, it's an Elmo phase.

16) She loves to "call" people on her fake cell phone. Most of the time she "calls" Grammie and Andrea. When we actually get them on the phone, she gets shy.

17) She gets frustrated with us and responds like a teenager sometimes. It's hysterical.

18) Bailey's best friend is Maleah. Her favorite book is any one of the $1 Seseme Street books from Target. Her favorite food is mac and cheese.

19) She likes to pick out her own clothes and will study her closet for a long time to get just the right shirt.

20) She is our first born, and our experiment in parenting. She gets the challenge of blazing the parenting trail with us, and we get the joy of doing it for her. Honestly, she is of my soul. So deeply a part of every fiber of my world that I cannot put it to words. She is our Bailey...and she is perfect.

You Know It's Bad When...

2009-10-07T07:22:00.001-04:00

...You start blogging from your blackberry on the bus. There is just no time to blog at work. But things are happening that are worthy of writing down!!!

Connor is the most amazing little boy. He's really developing his personality right now - his preferences are shining through, and while he is laid back most of the time, he is able to be heard when he doesn't like what is happening. Here are some of the Connor highlights:

1) He can sit up, roll over and over and over and get where he wants to go by rolling.

2) He is not yet crawling, although he is really working at it. He gets his arms up and one knee, but hasn't yet put it all together. We are not far from having two mobile children.

3) He still has not shown any teeth, but we are still in teething hell. It seems that, like Bailey, his teeth will come in slowly. This is good - it means they will be very strong - and bad - it will be a slow, painful process. Poor guy has been miserable.

4) He is sitting up in his bath and we have abandoned the baby bath. He loves, loves, loves the water.

5) He has outgrown the swing. Which sucks. The swing rocks.

6) He is still mostly breastfed, drinking about 20 ounces of milk while at school and nursing three or four times while at home. He prefers the breast, still, and Kelly has no intentions of stopping anytime soon.

7) He eats two stage one foods a day (generally a fruit and a veggie). He's a huge fan of bananas, carrots, squash, and sweet potatoes. He has tried many other foods, but prefers the basics.

8) Food is still very much a supplement to breast milk and Connor gets offended if Kelly tries to feed him anything other than breast milk.

9) He goes to bed around 6:30 PM, sleeps until the wee hours (usually 3-4:30 AM), is up to feed, goes back for a few hours and then gets up around 5:30 or 6 AM. He is taking about 2 hours of naps while at school.

10). He clearly recognizes people and has a decided preference for Bailey if she is anywhere around.

11) Connor is a belly sleeper - arms tucked under him, butt in the air. So freakin' cute!!!

12) He is wearing size 4 diapers, 9-12 month clothes and is a long, long baby. He's chunky - with super juicy thighs and arms.

13) He loves his exersaucer and bouncer. Enjoys anything he can put on his mouth and bright colors.

14) He seems to be right on track with his development, which seems slow to us since Bailey was always running so far ahead of her peers.

15) He is making one-sylable sounds (Da, ma, ba) but hasn't yet put them together. Three times, he has clearly said "mommy" while he was whining...but we don't know if it was intentional or an accident.

16) He loves his childcare providers as much as any child can. He gets excited to see them and we love them for it. They seem to love him.

17) He is working on his 4th ear infection and has an appointment with an Ear, Nose, Throat specialist on Friday. Tubes may be in his future!

18) The appointment with the pediatric cardiologist regarding the random blue incidents was good. He has nothing that they can find - not even a tiny heart murmer. Phew!

19) Connor has discovered his penis. When he is not clothed, he tugs and pulls at it constantly, all the while having a big grin plasteres on his face. It makes us laugh.

20) He is all sweetness and light, this boy of ours. He is easy to love, smiling and charming his way into your heart. Bailey is as in love with his as we are.

This has gotten long...stay tuned for the Bailey, and Mommy & Momma top 20 lists soon!

Travel Work Kids Life

2009-10-02T09:31:00.003-04:00

Per my usual opening, things have been crazy. Our week away was wonderful. It's never very relaxing traveling with kids, but it was a week at the beach.

Then, we get home and all hell breaks loose. I worked 65 hours the week after we got home. I was preparing a program for work for about 30 young girls from the DC public High Schools. They came to our firm and had a career day of sorts - with individualized counseling and all that. It was a great program, but the logistics of it all were hell. And because I had been out the week before on vacation, it was double-hell. I worked so much and didn't see the kids.

That backed up to working the even on the Saturday. Then, on Monday morning, I boarded a train to New York City, where I stayed until Wednesday night. I got home Wednesday night before Bailey went to bed (Kelly kept her up). Then last night, I had to work a bit late. Tonight, I will leave early...provided that no work comes in late.

All of this is part of the transition away from my old job (MCLE Coordinator in the Attorney Development Department) to my new job (Business Development Coordinator in the BD Department). This is a completely new area of work for me and the time in NY was spent training. I have more information than I could ever actually process and I am learning as I go. Meanwhile, I am trying to train my replacement.

Oh, and raise my kids and be a wife.

I am really looking forward to this weekend. No work. Just my family. I need the time.

Everyone is doing well. Bailey seems to have migrated away from the terrible two phase for right now. She's being sweet. She's listening. She's just been a perfect angel. Connor is growing in leaps and bounds. He was sick again this week, with another double ear infection. This is prompting a visit to the Ear, Nose & Throat specialists. We're hoping to avoid tubes, but at this point, his ear infections are too frequent. And, because he's such a laid back kid, he doesn't start complaining about them until they are raging ear infections. And that is dangerous. THAT is what causes ear damage.

Kelly and I are hanging in there. Occasionally we yell across the chasm that separates us and we're both clinging to the knowledge that we'll find each other when this part of our lives is finished. Craziness is not great for relationships. But, we are in it together.

That's it for now. Work calls.

Too Much

2009-09-22T07:36:00.002-04:00

I think that I haven't been writing lately because I feel like one little tip of the scales could send this whole thing crashing into the sea.

I have always tried to be honest on this blog, but sometimes it's hard to admit the truth of things. Kelly and I are struggling so much in this parenting thing. The combination of ridiculous work commutes, children and absolutely no help has us down. Kelly is still recovering from pregnancy and post partum. She's still breastfeeding and pumping almost 20 ounces a day. She's exhausted and her hormones are not back to normal. I'm just starting a new job, which is good, but ads this whole new level of stress and anxiety.

Bailey and Kelly are struggling in their relationship right now. Bailey requires a very, very strong guide to keep her in line. She doesn't respond to subtly or calm. She responds to loud and demanding. She responds to someone who takes no shit and loves just as hard. In short, she responds to the extremes on either end, and Kelly is not extreme in any way. She runs in the middle. And so Bailey just rolls right over her, ignores her and generally makes her life miserable. I think I make it worse, because I try to make it easier on Kelly and so I take the brunt of caring for Bailey. But that just reinforces Bailey's behavior and undermines Kelly.

We can see the problem, but don't have the energy to fix it. It's just easier to conquer and divide - and so we end up with hers and hers children - rather than parenting both equally.

We really are struggling. I'd love to post all kinds of fun, cute little stories and pictures. Yes, of course, those wonderful moments exists. But they feel buried under trying to just make it through every day.

Meanwhile, Kelly and I have never been further away from each other. There just isn't time to maintain us. And while we keep trying to tie our boats together, it feels like we're just slipping apart. And again, we're powerless and lack any energy to fix it.

I keep telling myself that we'll get through this and it will get easier. But that feels like empty words to me. I feel like I'm staring down the black hole of another toddler and the three or four years it's going to take for this to be done feels like forever.

We're struggling. Can you tell?

Our Vacation

2009-09-21T07:00:00.003-04:00

So sorry I haven't been writing -we spent last week at the Outer Banks. Things have been super crazy, and I don't have much time to write. I will write the details later.

I am starting my new job today - as BD Coordinator for Latham. I'm excited and nervous and have a million irons in the fire. I hope that everyone doesn't stop reading...I promise, as I slow down a bit, I'll write more.

Running Crazy

2009-09-10T06:38:00.002-04:00

I'm busy, busy, busy at work. That's the long and short of it all and quite simply, I don't have time to talk.

But.

I did promise to try to be a better blogger.

These days, I'm just feeling overwhelmed. It used to be that once a year, right around the fall, I got this inexplicable urge to rattle the cage. Make changes. It always correlated really nicely with school starting. It was a change, a new challenge. Even if a week into classes, I was tired of them, the change always worked to pull me out of my funk.

After school, it was the holidays. The approaching fall meant time to plan for what is the best time of the year for me.

This year, nothing is working.

I am restless. Not restless in a bad way - not like I have been after the birth of my children. Restless - like I need to find a purpose. A passion. I am loath to admit that this is probably just another side effect of having young children and commuting and working and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I mean, how fucking boring is that? How uninspired and unoriginal.

I want something. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to find it. And I don't have time to search. I don't have money to buy new experiences.

But more than all of those "don'ts", I don't have time to feel restless.

Somethings gotta give.

The Long Weekend

2009-09-04T12:07:00.002-04:00

I'm so glad that today is Friday. Although, I have to admit that the weekends are more work these days than the weeks. Bailey requires lots from me right now, so the weekends are filled with her. BUT - it's a weekend, so that can't be too bad.

Tonight is pizza and beer night. I love Fridays.

I've been busy preparing a holiday calendar of events that will keep us occupied through October, November and December. I have attempted to find a series of things that are local to our home that help me feel more like a part of the community I live in. I'm trying.

Not much else going on. Connor is feeling better. Thank god.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Me and Blogging

2009-09-03T07:11:00.002-04:00

Okay - I must admit, I've slacked off on blogging a bit since I became a woman of Facebook. The instant gratification, the ability to quick post updates - those things appeal to my senses. This blog has taken a bit of a back burner in the craziness of normal life, because, well...I spend more time writing here than I do there. And that takes more time. Which is something I don't have.

But last night Kelly wondered out loud if we would be able to memorialized Facebook in the same way that we will do this blog (it will eventually become a book for our children). And, of course, the answer is no. So, here I am today. Posting my entry. I'll try to do this every day...or at least every other day. For my kids. And for those of you who come reading every day!

Connor

Connor had a pretty scary incident happen on Tuesday night. He started fussing at around 9:30 at night - right as we were going to bed. I picked him up and snuggled and rocked him. While I was doing this, I noticed that his breathing sounded wierd. I'm not sure how else to describe it. It just sounded a bit off. I blew it off, thinking that he was sleeping or wimpering or whatever. After about 15 minutes of him drifting in and out of sleep and fussing some more, I decided to take his temperature and perhaps give him some Tylenol. He is still working on those teeth and teething pain has been known to keep him awake at night. I sent Kelly downstairs to get the Tylenol and then turned on the light to to the temp and diaper change. I noticed that he looked strange - faintly blue. Again, I kind of blew this off in my head. It was very low lighting, he was lying on a green blanket and wearing a baby blue sleeper. I just sort of assumed that the reflection of the colors around him coupled with him not feeling great was probably the cause. His temp was nothing - 99.5. Kelly came upstairs and the first thing she said was "does he look blueish to you?" Well, now that we had both had independant observations of this strange coloring, we got a little wierd. I decided to try to make him cry, with the thought that the screaming would get the blood flowing and the big gasps of air would fill his lungs with oxegyn. I pinched his upper thighs and rubbed his body vigorously. He responded a little bit, at one point screwing up his face like it was going to be a blood curdling scream. But, oddly, his face didn't get red. Around his eyes got red, but the rest of him stayed thier weird bluish tint. We started to wonder if we should call 911. Or should we go to the ER. Or should we do nothing and are we being paranoid? I called my Mom. Because, when in doubt, isn't that waht you do?? After describing the symptoms to her (and hearing myself say it all out loud) we decided to call the pediatrician's emergency number. I spoke with a nurse for about 30 minutes. She listened to his breathing. By this time, Connor was happily breast feeding and the breathing from his nose seemed fine. He was responding to stimulus normally. Kelly and I had moved away from panic and into just wondering what the hell happened. In the end, he was fine. He ended up sleeping on my chest for most of the night, because we were just weird about leaving him unattended. He woke up the next morning and seemed perfectly normal.

Of course, a couple of hours after being at daycare, Kelly got a call. Connor has pink eye in both eyes and the start of ear infections in both ears. Apparently, he's had this cold that was happening internally for the most part. He hasn't had a hugely runny nose or anything. But it's caused this pink eye and would have been the cause of two ear infections if we hadn't taken him in. Was this the cause of the weird blue incident? We don't know. But after a round of eye medicine and a dose of antibiotics for all the above, he seems to be feeling much better this morning.

Turns out that Connor's an illness-creeper. He doesn't just display the signs of not feeling well until he REALLY does not feel well. Bailey is the exact opposite. The littlest bit of discomfort is cause for meltdown city and a flat refusal to sleep. Connor can be sick and we don't even know it, and therefore we don't treat it, until it's gotten to the point of no return. He's subtle. It creeps up on us and then WHAM! We have a very sick boy.

Other than this illness, Connor is doing well. He's fully sitting up on his own and is using his ability to roll to get to places. He is working on the mechanics of crawling, but isn't there yet. His teeth have not popped through. It seems that, as with Bailey, his gums are very strong and it takes a lot of work (and time) for them to come through the gums. This is GREAT for his dental health in later years. And horrible for teething, because it's a long and painful process for all of us.

Bailey

There isn't much to report about Bailey. She is status quo right now. Well, I guess I could report that her not listening has taken an uptick in the last couple of days. She is pushing every single boundry that exists and is pushing back when we push her to behave. She is fully two, in every sense of that word. It's exhausting and facinating to watch all at the same time. I love her independance as much as I despise having to be the person who keeps her in line. I like watching her grow and I enjoy the good parts richly. It's the rough stuff that get me down. LOL - that must make me human. All told, she is perfection and horridness all wrapped up into one little-girl package. I am thankful that she is able to be herself and ho through her normal development stages without fear or hesitation. I take that to mean that we are doing something right.

Mikki, Kelly, Momma, Mommy, Us

I put us all together on purpose. We are fine - all sides of us are focused on this crazy thing called parenting and we are eeking out whatever little time for us that we can find. We are perpetually exhausted, but that makes us no different than any other parents of little kids. Vacation in about a week. We need it. We can't wait.

It's All About Poop

2009-08-31T07:34:00.004-04:00

It seems that much of what I post about these days is poop. Or extriment in some form or another. But what can I say? We're knee deep in shit and it just keeps piling.

We attempted panties for a full day on Saturday. Or rather, I attempted. Kelly looked at me like I was a fool when I put them on her. And she looked at me in pity when Bailey pooped in her panties. Then again when she pooped in them a second time 15 minutes later. And then again when she peed a river of urine that splashed off the chair, filled her shoes and covered the carpet. I know it takes time, but I was seriously grossed out. We went back to pull ups on Sunday and Bailey didn't use the potty once. *sigh* We'll try again soon. Maybe next weekend?

Connor is officially sleeping through the night. I can say this because he has gone to bed around 7:30 PM and not woken up until around 5 AM for 9 nights in a row. I think this makes it official. The next step is to move him out of our room. Up until a few weeks ago, we had assumed we would move him into Bailey's room and they would share a room. But given that he goes to bed before she does and that she is NOT quiet (and should not be expected to be), he is getting his own room. Which means that the holding pen for all things baby that are not longer needed that we call the guest room needs to be cleaned out. Which means I need to find new owners for all the things we no longer need and don't have room to store. Seems like I'll be pimping Craig's list for a while. Anyone having babies that needs STUFF? We have stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. And more coming.

Since this is the last baby, we are offloading all the stuff we stored when Bailey grew out of it.

We're okay. Kelly is struggling right now. It seems that one of us struggles at any given moment. We both need a break and our week-long, beach vacation in 2 weeks can't come soon enough. The time is needed. The break is needed. The change of scenery is needed. Seriously. I don't want to talk to much on this subject because 1) there are no solutions and 2) it just makes me feel sad, exhausted and strung out.

That's all for now.

Long Time Coming

2009-08-24T07:09:00.002-04:00

I am such a bad, bad blogger these days. My only excuse is...well...there are many of them. Suffice to say that life is a tad busier these days than it has been in recent years. I apologize to the faithful readers out there who have gotten used to my long-winded journeys through my mind and details about our life. It's just been so busy. In any event, hopefully this blog won't disappoint!

We'll start with the youngest...

Connor

Our Connor has taken a turn for all grown up overnight. He went from this little cooing, perfect little baby to a full-on REAL baby overnight it seems! To start, he's sitting up fully. On his own. He sits and plays with his toys all by himself. Every now and then he leans too much to one side to get something and can't right himself. Then he tumbles over face first. Or sometimes he gets so excited he can't help himself and throws his little body backwards. We have pillows propped behind him for just these times. It breaks the fall.

Speaking of all grown up - our baby boy celebrated his 6 month birthday yesterday. I can barely believe it has been 6 months, and yet, as with Bailey, I can't remember a world without Connor. He is so deeply ingrained in the fabric of our lives that it's like he was always there. He had is 6 month check up on Friday. Kelly was heartily congratulated for making it through the first 6 months of breast feeding. She got an "A" from the doctor. He congratulated her in a way that made it seems like he would inevitably stop breastfeeding very soon...which isn't going to happen. Both Connor and Kelly are still very committed, and so it continues. He did advise us strongly that Connor needed a multi-vitamin because he's not getting formula. We just blew it off. Sometimes doctors are stupid. He's eating food regularly, but not a lot - he has a container of fruit in the morning and veggies at night. He loves his food. His 6 month stats - he's 18 pounds, 12 ounces and 27 inches long. He's in the 75th percentile for both. He's a chunky, healthy baby boy!

The final proof that our Connor is growing up? He's slept through the night for the past three nights. He is waking up once, but not until around 3 or 3:30 AM and then back to sleep for a few more hours. Good boy!!!! I like children who sleep...LOL!

Bailey

Bailey B also seems to have taken another leap forward. The kids don't seem to progress in small chunks; rather they burst forward into a new development seemingly overnight. She is talking, talking, talking...and getting all her pronouns right. She gets her tenses right 95% of the time. She fully communicates with her words and it's amazing. She's always been a great talker, but these days, it seems like she is talking so far beyond her age. She uses new words every day - big ones or complex ones...and she uses them correctly. You only have to read or say a word one time and she incorporates it into her vocabulary and uses it correctly moving forward. The only thing that she still does wrong is when I ask her "do you want to walk or do you want me to carry you". Her reponse is "carry you". No matter how many times I correct it, she still says it that way.

Today is big day for her - she starts in pre-preschool in her new room at school! This is a program approved by the Maryland Dept. of Education and had a pretty rigorous schedule and activities. Of course, it's pre-preschool. So it's not like real school. But it's a big deal for her and she is in a new room with new teachers. She was very, very excited to arrive this morning.

Another change in Bailey is her eating habits. She's finally eating sandwhiches and things that are multi-layered. I know that sounds strange, but she would never eat foods that were complicated. She liked bland pastas, or one-flavored items. This weekend she plowed through a grilled cheese and the other day, she ate a PB&J. Her first two-year molar is fully through with the other three coming quickly behind.

Potty training has stalled at home. If we take off her clothes, she will go on the potty when she needs to...but she is expressing a preference for wearing a diaper right now. On Thursday, she only went through one pullup at school, though. She went on the potty every time!!!! She's close. We're still not pushing it. It'll happen when it's time.

The Kids

I have to put this category in now, because this weekend the kids developed a relationship. Up until now, they have been aware of each other and Bailey has commented on Connor. She certainly loves him and knows he is there, but he was never really her focus. Same with Connor. But this weekend, that changed. They actively played together. Bailey cooked and fed him from her very own kitchen. Connor played along - reaching out for her and hanging in while she tormented him. It was super-cute and certainly a glimpse into the future.

Mikki/Momma

I am coming off a four-day sickness that kicked my ass. Seriously. The flu-like symptoms started on Wednesday night. Thursday and Friday were horrid. I started feeling better Friday night and was excited, thinking that I was going to have the weekend. But then, Saturday morning, my head cold kicked in. My nose was plugged solid for two days, finally starting to break up last night. I'm still not feeling great - maybe 60% today. Being a sick mother sucks. SUCKS. Other than that, things are okay. Normal. I'm busy with the above with relatively little time for other things and that's okay for now.

Kelly/Mommy

Kelly is hanging in there too. She is struggling a bit with Connor's weird breast-feeding schedule and trying to keep it all in order. She has also had to carry a lot of the weight the last few days because of my illness. She is gearing up for busy season at work. Other than that, not much is going on in her life that is any thing other than the above!

We're okay. We dropped the kids off to a babysitter on Saturday afternoon. We went out to a Japanese steak house and had a great time. We spent some time wondering around Baby's R Us after. It was a very, very nice break. It's amazing to me how quickly we drift right back into "us" when the kids are not around. We're different people with our children and around our children. When we are alone, there is a power shift, a balance shift that happens. I think, for both of us, it's the most comfortable place for US. It's not how we parent, though, so it's important for us to get back there every now and then. We're keeping up our committement to regular dates and things are okay.

That's all for now!

Really...Not Much

2009-08-20T10:31:00.001-04:00

Not much is happening. I'm not feeling well. The kids are fine. All is quite normal.

I promise I'll post more later.

Potty Training

2009-08-12T06:46:00.002-04:00

Has moved into "Potty Reality". Bailey is very, very close to all the way there. In fact, if we took the intiative and took her diaper off and put on the panties that she chose this weekend, she would be there. In school, she wears pull ups, but they do the bathroom time every 45 minutes. She always pees on the potty and 99.5% of the time, her pull up is not wet. At home, she takes off her pants and pull up most nights and runs naked. When it's time to pee, she sits on the potty and makes it happen. Sometimes we reward, other times not. Last night, right after dinner, she ran to the potty and pooped. Like a big, adult-sized poop.

Funny the amount of congratulations you give for poop well done. LOL

In any event, we still cling a bit to diapers for ease, but we are there. The real question is when we will suck it up and make the final transition.

Random Friday Thoughts

2009-08-07T07:20:00.003-04:00

Before I had children, I thought motherhood would come naturally to me. I envisioned these beautiful transitions into selflessness where the only thing that matter was my children. I imagined my marriage taking a natural back burner and that feeling okay, because it would be punctuated by wild sex and sweet, tender moments. I imagined giggles and hugs and moments of sheer beauty, without any of the other moments. Mostly, I imagined that I would continue to live up to my own impossibly high standards and I imagined that I would have the good grace to forgive myself when I didn't.

Silly me.

Motherhood has not come naturally for me. Mothering has come naturally. Being a mother to my children in their moments of greatest need is easy. Being the boo boo kisser and the crying comforter. Keeping track of their progress and their benchmarks and adjusting around it has come naturally. Being prepared with size 3 diapers when the size two ones don't fit - things like that. That is all natural, and easy. Allowing my children to fold into my heart is easy. Knowing that I would still choose this path is easy.

What isn't easy is the selflessness part. Or the part where I give up my relationship most of the time to be a parent. Sometimes I get so frustrated and I have nobody to vent it out on. Just talking about it isn't always enough - I want to throw a fit and be frustrated loudly. And I have to keep my shit in check, because it's not my kids' fault and it's not my wife's fault. It not anyone's fault...it just is.

We juggle a million things at all times. We really never get a break. I'm not sure that any parent every truly lets go of being a parent, but it sure would be nice to be able to just shut it down for a few. I find msyelf missing the freedom of non-parenting and single life. Even in the same breath, I know that I would never go back. I'm tired. I'm stressed out. I need some time to reconnect with my wife - god, I need her again. It's been over two years since we've really connected on the level that we used to. Sometimes I feel like we're lost completely. Other times, I catch a glimpse of us in passing as we each rush off in different directions. Those rare moments, when that look passes between us and the fire burns bright for a few seconds reminds me that we still have the love that created the life we live.

In my logical brain, I know this is temporary. I know, sooner than we would like to imagine, the kids will be out of these early years and will be more autonomous. I know they won't always keep us up every night. I know that there will come a day when they will play with each other and we'll wonder if we even exist in their worlds. I know this. I do. But it doesn't help right now, because right now is when I need some of the pressure lifted. I feel like a steam cooker, and the steam is just building and building.

We're going to the Outer Banks in September. My brother, his two kids, my mother and my best friend will be joining us. I can't wait. My mother is a goddess and she gets where I'm at. She knows how much we need some down time and our children love and trust her. She has cared for them exclusively (when we were in the hospital and for a week or so after we got home). We can leave them in her hands and walk away. Maybe for only a few hours, but a few hours is enough to reconnect. To find ourselves on the beach, alone, with a setting sun.

Parenting for me is hard work. I envy those who can just enter it without the drama. I wish I were one of those people.

What Can I Say?

2009-08-06T07:21:00.001-04:00

I wish I had something positive to say. I don't. Connor has been sick for what feels like forever. We are both having to take way too much time off work to deal with our fucking crazy ass life and it's showing in the way our coworkers are responding to us. Even the most understanding of workplace environments have limits. Connor's not sleeping. Bailey is still in terrible two (although, it's been getting better, actually). And now, I'm sick (or getting there) with whatever nasty cold Connor has had. And, of course, I can't take any time off to get well because I have no time and I've depleted my repository of goodwill.

Life sucks right now. Seriously.

Such a BAD Blogger

2009-07-30T07:06:00.002-04:00

These days it seems that I'm busier living my life than recording it. Which, in some ways, is good.

Everything in our house is status quo. Updates below...

Bailey

Bailey is a straight up typical two year old right now. A typical two year old with the vocabulary of a 3 year old and the attitude of...well...me! She's a hot shit and she's hard to take, usually in the same moment. She's developing in leaps and bounds right now. One day she will learn something and the next day it is mastered. It's the little things that get me - like the fact that she is swinging on the big kid swings at the playground instead of the little things. And how every night she picks out her own clothes for the next day and tells us what she wants for breakfast. Potty training is right on track - she uses the potty regularly at home and pretty much exclusively at school. She is still in pullups all the time - we haven't gotten that far, but more often than not, they are dry. She still requests diapers on the weekend, and we still let her have that, but she uses the potty most of the time. She has moved from having to be told to telling us when she needs to go pee. She knows that she will get chocolate (sugar-free most of the time) when she goes and she likes that motivation. The day when diapers for two are the thing are getting closer and closer to being gone. In the next month or so, we will introduce panties and I think that will jump it up. We are not pushing this one - she is doing this all on her own. I've found, that with Bailey, this is the way to go with the potty...and she's doing it. Our "goal" of having her potty trained when she is 2 1/2 seems to be right on track...but again, I don't really care. She is still throwing fits a lot. She is so fucking intense. Sometimes I just want to bang my head against the wall and throw a fit myself. Sometimes I do. She and I fight like...well...two year olds. Kelly reminds me in these moments that I am, in fact, not two. Even though I wish I could be. It seems to be a hallmark of the relationship that Bailey and I have that we will fight like hell and love just as hard. Hot and cold. It's appropriate. Kelly is either the queen shit to Bailey right now or she is just shit. Bailey seems to go back and forth and often, her desire to have Kelly be her primary in any given moment is based on whether or not she is pissed off at me. This is hard for both Kelly and I, but we both realize that it's developmental. It's still hard. I get frustrated on Kelly's behalf and have to remember that Bailey doesn't understand complex emotions yet. She is so advanced and I want to advance her even further. Kelly takes it better than I do, of course. She's better at these things. All in all, Bailey is who she is right now and that is both a fantastic thing and a trying, challenging thing. She seems to be right on track where she needs to be, and that means we're doing something right.

Connor

Connor continues his reign of super-happy, super-easy baby boy. He's still a doll and he's still as laid back as he ever has been. Often, I think Kelly and I both feel that he gets shunted to the side as we negotiate his high-spirited sister. We both make an effort in this area, and I feel like we've done a good job. In some ways, he will just get some of that. After all, he's not the first and our attention is divided. That's just a reality. He's a big boy - wearing 9-12 month clothes and he's only 5 months old. He's beginning the transition into solid foods. Right now, he eats a jar of fruit in the morning and veggies mixed with rice in the evening. Some days he eats better than others. Sometimes nothing will make him happy except Kelly's breast - other times he turns away from her breast for food. We've so far given him bananas, apples, carrots and sweet potatoes. No allergies yet and no upset tummy. He's also on rice cereal. This weekend we will transition him into oatmeal and start mixing the oatmeal with the fruit in the morning. Every 3-4 days we add something new. This is my area - Kelly has left the decision and the timings up to me. I love figuring out what comes next. I think I might try peas or green beans next. A green veggie. The next fruit will be prunes. He's still in stage 1 food and will be for another 2-3 weeks, I suspect. The benchmark is sitting unsupported by himself. Speaking of those benchmarks - he's right on track. He sits for a few seconds unsupported, but no longer falls completely over. He sort of leans and needs to be righted. He's getting there. He is trying very, very hard to crawl - he's got all the right motions. In another month or so, he'll have it figured out. Connor doesn't get as much tummy time as Bailey did. For starters, it's hard to leave your infant on the floor with a two year old running around and three cats. And then, couple that with the fact that we just simply don't have the time to sit on the floor for a long period of time and supervise the situation. There is always shit to do. But he gets some time each night. I wear him when we get home - he makes dinner with me. It's the one thing that we do each night and I think he enjoys the time. I did the same thing with Bailey. It's my time to whisper in his ear and tell him all about what we are doing. He likes washing dishes with me and gets very excited when I open the fridge. In general, his personality is just laid back. If we allowed it, he would like nothing more than to be propped up and watching Barney or Elmo with Bailey. He LOVES the TV in a way that is almost obscene. He could spend hours there, happily zoning out to the bright colors and music. We don't allow it - he spends his time with us or in his excersaucer or jumper. Sometimes he'll spin the seat and watch TV...but TV is never his primary form of entertainment. Much like is Mommy, Connor is nosy. He struggles to breastfeed when we are all around - the noises and the action from Bailey are very distracting for him. He wants to see what is going on. He doesn't necessarily want to be a part of it, but he wants to be able to observe. He's very much like Kelly.

Momma & Mommy

I think, all told, we're doing well in this parenting thing. Every day we figure it out a little more and the gunk that is a new baby junking up the routine is beginning to fade into an ordered method of parenting. We're so much better at multi-tasking now that we have two. We've also gotten much better at the conquer and divide thing. We alway did things together when it was just Bailey. With two, that just doesn't make sense. We divide it up and get it done more quickly, leaving more time for us. We are also getting better at just relaxing and letting things happen as they will. While we always work within a schedule, we are better at being free-flowing. Things seems to have gotten more normal. We are also making more of an effort to be a couple and not just a parenting team. We are spending more time together, snuggling more in the evening, and making plans for dates. It's slow - any new thing added to our life takes a bit of time to work it's way in. But we are doing it and we are better for it. I think I can speak for both of us when I say that "we" have gotten so much better. And it is reflected in everything.

Mikki & Kelly

There isn't much going on in the side of our lives that are not connected to parenting. I got some pretty exciting news yesterday that hasn't panned out yet. I am super excited, but can't share or talk about it until it's firm. So, that'll keep you coming back. We are both ready for our vacation in early September. We need the time off, the easy time with the kids and the connection to my family. It'll be good.

That's all for now!

Fast and Slow

2009-07-22T07:01:00.002-04:00

It's funny how sometimes I feel like there is so much happening, and yet time is moving quite slowly. This is one of those times.

There isn't much new to report. Connor had his first meal of carrots and rice on Monday night. He had a meal of carrots last night. We will start him on bananas this weekend and begin to establish a morning/night feeding ritual. I'm sure it will quickly snowball into full on feeding all the time. He loved it both times, eating all that we offered. We're taking it slow in order to minimize any transition issues that he may have moving from breast milk to food. We tried just cereal, mixed with breast milk and he didn't like that. Kelly's sister suggested using formula to mix the cereal. We may try that. Simply put, Connor loves eating. He thinks it funny, giggling and enjoying himself immensely every time we put food near him. It's such a joy to finally be able to take an active part in the ritual of feeding my son. It's something I have missed hugely and I am happy that he is now ready to eat in a way that facilitates my participation.

With that said, he's still getting up once a night to eat - the last couple of days it has been in the wee morning hours (2 on Monday night, 3 last night). The food just isn't sticking long enough and he obviously wakes up hungry. We decided last night that for now, we will have a four-hour rule. What that means is that if he wakes up fussing within 4 hours of his last feeding, we will let him cry for 7 minutes before we respond. If he wakes up fussing and it's been longer than 4 hours, we will respond immediately. This is our first attempts at letting the little man of the house figure out how to put himself back to sleep. Of course, as time goes on (and time in baby terms is really usually only weeks and sometimes days) we'll reevaluate and change it up as needed.

Can you tell that Kelly and I are driven by schedules, goals and structure? In order to have a manageable night time response, we have to figure out a way to handle it that has measurable goals and certain outcomes. We can lay there and listen to him cry if we have set a goal and have a limit (in this case, four hours and 7 minutes of crying). But if we don't have limites like that, we end up laying there listening to him cry and getting more and more irriated. Then we fight. We have learned a lot since Bailey was this age.

For the record - we used the cry it out method with Bailey to great success and will use it again with Connor. We have been really good about not setting Connor's limits around what they were with Bailey. The two children are completely different and respond differently. Where Bailey was driven to always reach the next milestone, Connor seems much happier just drifting along. He seems to reach each new place as if by accident and is then delighted when he discovers he can do something new. He takes such joy in the world. So, for him, this schedule will be our guide for now and we'll change it up when he's ready.

Bailey seems to be pushing every limit there is. She has begun the process of doing something that she knows she cannot do and then looking at us to see if she got caught. Last night, she hit Pitter with a pillow. This has been a reccuring theme. Partly, it is because Pitter is the only one of our three cats who comes around her. The other two flee. But Pitter puts herself, literally, under your feet and demands attention. This annoys us all. But it seems to really grate on Bailey. So she has started to get a bit aggressive with her, and we have responded by becoming increasingly insistent that she not be aggressive. So on Monday night, she clocked Pitter with a puzzle piece. The resulting time out caused a massive meltdown that led to her eventually being taken upstairs, given her bath and put to bed without any further playing. So then last night, she pulls a pillow off the couch and clocks Pitter with it, and then looks up at me smiling. Of course, I responded by immediately putting her in timeout. She started the process of falling out and I went back on my general approach and reminded her that if she melted down, she would go to bed without any further playing. This seemed to help remind her of the consequences and after 4 false starts, she finally served her timeout appropriately.

This all just serves to remind Kelly and I that we have a hell of a little girl. She is intense and determined. I can think of many times in her life when these qualities will be huge assets and I am so glad they are present. It also means that we have to be just as strong. Unfortunately, the boundries that we must set up for her have to be rigid. She doesn't understand fluidity and flexibility only gives her enough rope to hang herself. She operates best in a structured environment that forces her to focus and stay focused. Of course, she gets tons of free time and free play - that's not what I'm talking about. It's about the rules and requirements for her behavior. If there is ever a crack in the rules, she exploits it immediately. And then she gets very upset about being punished. In fairness to her, we must keep the rules 100% consistent and the punishment swift and fair and expected. She knows she will get a timeout if she hits. Period. And even when it's inconvenient (like when I have dinner cooking), we have to make it work.

That's all for now. Not much else going on....

Sickness

2009-07-17T11:36:00.002-04:00

Well, all of Connor's issues can be explained by the fact that he was developing a double ear infection and two teeth were popping through. He did not sleep at all on Tuesday night. He was up every 20-40 minutes and what rest he did get was in our arms. We were exhausted and I took Wednesday off to be with him. I got him into the doctors and it was a double ear infection. Added on top of that are the two teeth that are trying really hard to break through and he has a cold. No wonder the poor guy couldn't sleep!!!

He's been in quite a bit of pain and we are not shy about using Tylenol. It helps. He makes it very clear when he's hurting and about 40 minutes after giving him Tylenol, he feels better. We rub his gums as well, but he's not a huge fan. Being a breast fed baby, he wants to suckle everything.

We decided to go with a round of anitbiotics for his ears, because honestly, we didn't have the few days to wait it out and see if it would clear up on his own. We can't go without sleep.

Two days later, he's like a new boy. Our smiler is back. He's still not sleeping great, but that is becasue the Tylenol wears off. He doesn't seem to deal very well with pain...but then, what baby does?

Bailey finally went pee on the potty at home!!!!! We've been working on it for a couple of months now, and she finally did it! She's asked a number of times to sit and we, of course, allow it. She hasn't made any progress up until last night. Now the real potty training begins. We'll have to start being diligent about it. I'm thinking of pulling out the stop watch and taking her to the potty every 45 minutes or so. M&M's for every time she goes. I'm hoping to have her potty trained by the end of the summer...

That's all for now. I'm hoping that Kelly and I will make it out to see Harry Potter this weekend. We were going to wait until next weekend, and we still may, but I'm super anxious to see the movie. So I'm hoping to convince her to do it this weekend...we got another babysitter from Bailey's school. It makes me feel SOOOO comfortable knowing she's with her teachers when we leave her.

That's all for now!

She and He

2009-07-14T06:24:00.002-04:00

She is going through a terrible, terrible phase. Everything is said in a whine. Everything that is not said in a whine is said in a demand, usually accompanied by the thrusting of her hand (as if she is hitting us). She is hard to keep happy. She isn't eating very well and would rather have popcycles and pieces of cheese than just about anything. She refuses to move foward with potty training. She is obsessed with "creams" of all kinds for any kind of wound, bug bite or diaper rash. She is all about me and is downright mean to Kelly. She loves and hates Connor in equal proportions. She is ridiculously obsessed with Barney in a way that makes me want to cry.

He is either in a growth spurt or is changing his eating habits, because one day he is fine and the next day he eats like a demon. We don't know if we should start cereal or not and the one time we tried, he vomited it all up. Speaking of vomit - he does it often, and generally on me. It's gross and even more disgusting that I walk around all night with vomit on my clothes. He rolls over, but then forgets that he can roll back, so he fusses until someone comes to pick him up. Speaking of picking him up - he generally won't be left alone right now. 100% interaction is what he wants. He's sleeping like shit - either because of the growth spurt or because of the rolling issue, we're not sure. He's up a lot at night and then gets up super early in the morning. This morning it was 3 AM. He seems to sleep alright in his swing. Downstairs. Leaving one of us (generally me) sleeping on the couch. When he is in a good mood, he's all about grabbing, drooling and thrusting about, making it hard and drippy to hold him. And he's big, so wearing him in the front carrier, while always a good option, hurts like a bitch.

We are tired, grumpy, sick of children and both of us are slammed at work. It's summer and everyone else is moving slower or on vacation. We're working harder and exhausted. We want a break and can't have one. We'd love to just ditch the kids with someone for a day, but working parent guilt prevents us from doing that and feeling okay about it. We are finally rediscovering each other after a long, long pregnancy and Connor's first months, but we're too tired to really do it. Kelly is struggling with worry over her milk supply and we want to keep Connor breast fed only until he's 6 months. We don't know if it'll happen.

And there is always fucking dishes, cat litter to be scooped, laundry to be done, toys to be picked up, breakfast and dinner to be made, diapers to be changed, endless spills to be wiped up and never, ever enough fucking time.

Crib Time!

2009-07-08T12:35:00.001-04:00

Connor was moved out of his pack n' play last night and into his big-boy crib that he will be in until he's in a toddler bed!!!! The crib is still in our room for another few months. He did AWESOME - slept great and even rolled over onto his tummy at some point.

Our baby boy blue is growing up so fast!!!!!

Some Funny Tidbits

2009-07-07T07:26:00.002-04:00

Because I can't seem to put two coherent thoughts together these days, I provide you with just a few simple tidbits of information to keep you coming back!

1) Bailey is brilliant. This was confirmed on the 4th of July when she took her M&M cookies and dipped them in the pool. One of the party goers finally figured out what she was doing. She was dissolving the cookie to get to the M&Ms - the wet cookie broke away from the candy clean and she was left with a nugget of chocolate. Brilliant!

2) We call Connor "babababa boy"...because he's blowing bubbles and saying "babababa" a lot.

3) Bailey calls her fingers by the names designated in the song about fingers. Thumbkin is my favorite. Particularly when she comes over to me and tells me that she has "hurt my thumbkin".

4) Connor has mastered rolling over and cannot be more proud of himself. The second he is on the floor, he rolls over...and over...and over. Only a matter of time before he's crawling. God help us.

5) Bailey loves to dance. She gets it all moving and makes me want to dance too. So I do. It's so much fun to "shake my sillys out" with Bailey. It's even more fun when Mommy joins in.

6) Connor and Bailey are the light of our lives right now. There are no other words that can describe it.

The Time They Are A Changin'

2009-06-30T10:00:00.008-04:00

The FSAO Picnic in 2007, 2008 and 2009...

Some Quick Updates

2009-06-30T07:26:00.002-04:00

I was out of work yesterday and while I checked email all day, I still have lots of catching up to do...so this will be brief.

Connor's 4 month check up was yesteday. He is super healthy - 16.6 pounds, 26 inches long and and a head circumfrence of 45. He's in the 75th percentile for weight (same as last time), 75th percentile for height (up from 50th last time) and 90th percentile for head. He's gonna be smart!

He got two shots and an oral vaccination yesterday. A part of me hates vaccinations, but then I remember that we live in a place where if a major disease hit, our kids would be likely to be exposed. Then I don't mind the vaccinations to much.

We had Kelly's company picnic yesterday. It was fun in a work kind of way. The weekend was lovely. This weekend will be better. We're hosting a party for the 4th of July. Lots of good BBQ, beer, friends and fireworks. Good times!

Bailey's favorite saying right now is "Oh, My Man!". Where did she come up with this, I don't know. LOL - it's not a phrase heard often in our house...

All is well. More later.

Catch Up Time

2009-06-26T06:51:00.002-04:00

I'm sorry that I haven't been blogging. It seems that the harder things get, the more I withdraw. Things these days are not so hard emotionally, but more the grind is exhausting. And so I don't write. Sorry about that.

I have been super-busy at work. We had a major meeting taking place this week (and through the weekend) that I was solely responsible for coordinating. There were a million moving parts and it threw me back into my JSA days of event organizing. I don't do much of that anymore - I'm more of a report/data/website girl. This is good experience for me and it gave me a ton of face time in front of some very important people in the firm. Good for career development. Good for professional development. Not so good for my personal sanity. I'm not a huge fan of event management. I mean, I do it...and I do it very well. The key to event management is organization, calm and resourcefullness. I have all of those things when I choose to. But it's not what I enjoy. I just hate the constant changing up, adapting, recreating and the hurry up and wait. It's been stressful for me.

And then, to top it all off, I had to attend a dinner on Wednesday night at 7:30 PM. In the city. Now. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy a good dinner in a nice restaraunt as much as the next person. Especially when I don't have to pay for it. But on a Wednesday night? While my wife is home alone with the babies, trying to hold it all together? Not so much. It sucked. I hated being away from my kids. I hated feeling like I off-loaded my responsibility onto Kelly. I hated feeling like I was required to attend this networking celebration event, when honestly, I just wanted to be at home. This is not my thing. I did it. And again, I did all the right things. But it sucked. It was hard on all four of us. And once again proved to me that our routine is actually a good thing. It's something we all rely on to keep the insanity of our life in check.

The other major event that happened this week was that I witness Bailey being man handled by her daycare provider. I showed up early on Monday and watched her teacher grab her by the arm and pull her very hard. It left a thumb print on her upper arm and she stumbled to the floor. This was unprovoked - in that Bailey was just standing there when she did it. I went into the bathroom when I saw this (the teacher didn't know I was there, as her back was to me) and I said "Don't ever touch my child that way again." I did not say anything after that, as I was in the bathroom with other children. I enforced the timeout that the teacher had given Bailey prior to the yanking incident and then I marched into the director's office. I cried, which sucked...but I couldn't help it. I reported the incident and it was handled properly. After gauging Bailey's reaction, the director's reaction and subsequent follow up and recieving a very heart felt apology (and ownership) from the teacher, we have moved on. I do think this was a one-off event and not a continueing problem. Bailey likes the teacher - she says so. She is not scared of her. She doesn't have a negative response to her. And she has before, to other teachers. If she was having a major issue with the teacher, we would be able to tell. I have put this in the category of things that I wish I hadn't seen, but am glad I was able to deal with appropriately. It seems that when it comes to our children, I am able to keep my cool and do what's right. That makes me glad.

With all that said, if anything like this ever happens again, I will hunt the bitch down and destroy her. Happily.

Other than this, Bailey is doing extremely well. She is in love with her new school, finally. The transition is complete and has been for a couple of weeks. She is back to good and that makes us so happy!!! We both feel like the shaky ground that she was standing on has solidified. She's fully adjusted to Connor and she's no longer having weirdness. Thank god. It's a sign of some normalcy.

Connor is amazing. He's growing so quickly. We have to get some video of his huge belly laughs. He's showing some signs of being a drama queen, similar to his sister. He gets very angry when he is left alone...unless of course, he's watching TV. The kid LOVES the television. Of course, we do everything in our power to prevent him from watching it when Bailey does. He makes dinner with me rather than watching Barney with Bailey. But if he catches sight of it, hs'e hooked. If he's hungry, his world falls apart. And if he's tired, watch out! He decides at some point between 7 and 7;30 at night that he is ready for his bedtime routine (naked time, bath time, breastfeeding time, then bed). It all takes about 45 minutes, with the majority of that time being breastfeeding time. And if it doesn't happen as soon as he decides he's ready, there are big huge problems. This is really the only time that Connor cries like he is being tortured. It unravels Kelly and is very loud...so we often comply immediately.

He's waking up once a night. Depending on how he ate during the day, that one time can be around midnight or around 4 AM. It just depends. Sometimes he'll sleep straight through. Other times he wakes up. He's 4 months, so we don't worry yet. We suspect that when he starts eating solids, he'll start sleeping longer.

He too is being inocculated into the McFadden need for schedule. It seems that we are going to infect our children with our same need for order and routine. Of course, it could be no other way, but it's funny to watch it happen this time around.

Me and Kelly are both hanging in there. We're tired, strung out, overwhelmed and bored. But we're doing okay. We both have all our hopes hung on the concept that this will change as they get a bit older. That we're in the weeds right now, but eventually it will be different. It took a year for things to get back to a "normal" place with Bailey. We've still got a long way to go.

No Time No Energy

2009-06-25T09:12:00.002-04:00

The mantra of my life. I'm swamped and too tired to write about everything that is going on. I promise updates soon.

Everyone is well.

CONGATS!!!!

2009-06-19T06:54:00.001-04:00

A huge, huge, huge shout of congratulations to our dearest friends Monica and Susanne over at Susanica. They are expecting their second child right around the Christmas holiday!

Congratulations from the bottom of our hearts, ladies!!!! We love you so much!

This One Might Be Tough

2009-06-18T07:18:00.002-04:00

For some of you. Not for me.

So, I mentioned in previous blogs when I was pregnant with Bailey that I have always harbored a fear that I would molest my children. This perfectly normal fear is based on having been molested many times in my childhood. The fact that I can name it, own the fear and move on is a testament to the years of therapy that I went through.

Of course, my fears have proven to be unfounded. There is this moment that has happened with both of my children where I realized in a split second that I would kill myself before I would ever hurt them. I would leave them if I couldn't be safe around them. I would remove myself from them. And I trust that. I have put aside my fears because my gut, my instincts, my heart tells me that I would never perpetrate them the way that I was. I just wouldn't.

So why bring this up now?

Because last night I had a new series of thoughts about it. Most nights, I am the person who baths our children. I'm good at it, I enjoy the intimacy and they seem to like it as well. We used to always bath Bailey together, but the addition of Connor just naturally changed the routine. I found myself staring at Connor while I was bathing him, drinking in his beautiful little body. I was watching his arms shake, the way his knees bend, the crinkles in his neck. I love touching their bodies when they are all soapy and wet and warm and silky smooth. I love running my hands along them and feeling their crevices. I love the way they giggle when I find the perfect ticklish spot and the way that their eyes sparkle as they feel my love flow through my hands. I love the sheer intimacy that caring for them in such a profound way brings.

And because of my history, I have to examine it. I find myself having to step back from those moments and sort out in my head the seperaration between sexual intimacy and loving intimacy. And I have realized, in a way that a therapist telling me never could make me realize, the very profound difference between the two.

See, it's not something I ever learned from my partner. Not that Kelly and I don't have moments of intimacy that are not sexual...we do...but in all honesty, they are rare for me. In many ways, I have always equated the intimacy of touch with sex. It's one of the effects of having touch be sexualized in such a negative way. It's something that I have always carried with me.

But with my children, there is a clear line and that line has taught me so much. I have never felt even a wisp of my worst fear with them. I can touch them in the most intimate ways and it has never felt sexual. I am so thankful for that. In a way that a person who has not been sexually violated may not understand. You have no idea the depth fo the fear that I carried and that I still carry to this day. That I can put my mouth on my sons lips and kiss him over and over again while he giggles and slobbers and licks my lips and NOT feel like I am violating him is such an amazing thing.

I am so thankful for all those years of therapy. My mother did such an amazing job in pulling me through that and not letting that crap fester. I can talk about this stuff. I can shine the bright white light on the fear and name it. I can own my shit, walk through it and come out the other side. Without the support and the tools that therapy has given me, I wouldnt' be able to that. And maybe, I wouldnt' be able to seperate the two. And maybe I would have missed so much of this intimacy with my children that makes the love I have for them so deep.

Thank god I am not missing this. Because those moments with my children are so precious to me. More precious than just about any other moment.

Another One For My Love

2009-06-16T07:37:00.001-04:00

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water if I can tell you what’s next
Make you believe, make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet,
perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water, if i could tell you what’s next,
make you believe, make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart
I can taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God
when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on love
Singin' shalala la
Singin' shalala la
ooo
ooo
ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love

(come on get higher, loosen my lips)It's all wrong
(faith and desire at the swing of your hips)It's all wrong
(just to pull me down hard and drown me in love)It's all right

So, come on, get higher
Come on, get higher
'Cause everything works in your
Everything works in your arms

For You, My Love

2009-06-12T07:27:00.000-04:00

I remember, trying not to stare the night that I first met you
You had me mezmorized
And three weeks later, in the front porch light
taking forty-five minutes to kiss goodnight
I hadn't told you yet
but I thought I loved you then

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl
Like a river meets the sea,
stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

And i remember, taking you back to right where I first met you,
You were so surprised
There were people around, but I didn't care
Got down on one knee right there once again,
I thought I loved you then

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl
Like a river meets the sea,
stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

I could just see you, with a baby on the way
And I could just see you, when your hair is turning gray
What I can't see is how I'm ever gonna love you more
But I've said that before

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl
We'll look back someday, at this moment that we're in
And I'll look at you and say
And I thought I loved you then
And I thought I loved you then

Oh Joy

2009-06-10T08:06:00.002-04:00

It's Wednesday, which officially means that I am almost halfway through this week. That's good.

I'm in a rut and decided this morning to get the fuck out of it. I'm so tired of feeling tired, bluesy, bummed, disappointed.

In proper Mikki-style, I'm taking the bull by the horns and changing shit up.

First stop - the gym. I need to get my ass in there. Even if don't lose a pound, I need to gain the energy and the self-respect that comes along with doing something good for my body. I'll have to get up at 3:30 AM to make this work, and that'll suck. But it's something. It's a step.

That's the first step. I'll keep you informed.

Yesterday, in the middle of the morning, my love called me and invited me to lunch. Given that we work 3 blocks from one another and we both are afforded the right to take a lunch break, you'd think we do this often. We don't. But we should. It's kid-free time. It's a break from work. It's time to talk to each other. It's time together with no other point than doing it together. So, I'm instituting "Togetherness Tuesdays" and we'll do lunch every Tuesday (of course, this is subject to change around meetings...but at least one day a week).

And with work. Lordy - I'm bored with my job. So, I'm going to ramp up my efforts to find a new job, doing something I'm good at that I enjoy. And that pays me what I'm worth. And allows me my alternative schedule. Anyone got a job making at least 60K that will allow me to work 6:30 - 3? Preferably doing something I love? Anyone?

That's all for now. The kids are great. Not much new with them.

Pacifier BEGONE!

2009-06-08T07:24:00.002-04:00

Yes, we did it. The bobo, Bailey's precious bobo, was taken away when she woke up on Friday morning and it wasn't returned. Friday night she was bummed. She asked for it a couple of times. I told her that she was a big girl now and that big girls didn't need pacifiers. I told her that it was in the garbage and that the garbage man had taken it away in his big green truck. She cried a bit and needed extra cuddles. She needed one extra round of night-time love, but then fell asleep and stayed asleep the entire night.

Saturday morning, the first words out of her mouth were "I want to buy a new bobo". I told her no and that she was a big girl and that to celebrate the fact that she was such a big girl, we were going to get ice cream. She asked for cupcakes too. No drama for the rest of the day regarding the bobo.

Saturday night, she looked at me quite sadly and informed me that the garbage man had her bobo and that she was a big girl and didn't need it. Then she went to bed without any problems.

She said nothing on Sunday morning and last night, she went to bed without even asking for it.

The upsaid to all of this is that she's sleeping through the night. When she wakes up, she is not frantic to find the bobo that has fallen out of her mouth while sleeping and she just goes back to sleep. She was obviously ready for this. Once again, I think daycare helped. They never gave her the bobo for naptime, so she has learned to fall asleep without it. It was just a matter of us making the decision to move forward at home. And now it's done. Just like that!

Now on to potty training. She's about 85% potty trained at school. They take her every hour and she almost always pees on the potty. Sometimes she poops too, although that is more rare. She has even started asking at school to go on the potty.

I made the first initial steps into full potty training yesterday. I showed her a package of Elmo panties and we talked about buying them when she is peeing on the potty at home too. For whatever reason, she refuses to do it at home. Part of it is us - we haven't yet fully committed - and part of it is her - she really likes the little potties at school. Again, we'll make this happen at some point soon, and she'll be ready. She's only just over 2!!!

Connor is close to rolling over (from his back to his tummy). This skill generally develops after the tummy to back roll over (which he hasn't done yet) and usually around 5-6 months. Connor is 3 1/2 months now, so that it makes good sense that he is just about there. He gets his entire body over, with just his shoulder left. He's been doing that for a while. This weekend, he worked really hard to get over that shoulder...and he's getting closer. No more leaving the baby unattended on things...

God - they are growing up so fast. It's almost sad...almost!

It's Friday

2009-06-05T06:47:00.003-04:00

That is what I'm happy about today. It's Friday. And tonight is pizza night, which just makes me happy. Pizza is so easy to make. Even easier to clean up (since I put the pizzas directly on the baking rack. We all like it. It feels festive.

Tomorrow, hopefully we'll hook up with some good friends in the afternoon. In the morning, it's MyGym for one of us and a repair man for the other. Yes, a repair man. Actually, we think it'll be a replacement man. Our hot water heater is shit. It produces hot water for about 5 minutes. Then immediately stops. Which is very cold at 4 AM. Our house is 11 years old and everything in it was builder quality and put in when the house was built. We fully expect all the appliance to go in the next two years. Just hopefully not the fridge...not before we've used the frozen breast milk.

Oh, right...and tonight is the first night without the binky. Poor Bailey. I can already feel her tears. She's had two excellent nights...not waking up at all. It's going to be a rough few nights. She managed to save the binky for one more week last week when she came down with strep on Friday afternoon. Nothing will save her now.

She's nearly potty trained too. But not at home. At school, she goes on the potty every single time. Even poop - most of the time. Seriously, that's cool!!! But at home, she refuses. We recently got her the upgraded potty model. I think she doesn't like the bathroom - and I've offered to move the potty. She told me the wanted it "on the TV", which I took to mean that she wanted it in front of the TV. Which isn't going to happen...even if it would make for cute, blackmail pictures. She's only a month over two, so we're happy with this progress. Eventually, she'll pee at home too.

Connor is just sunshine and joy these days. He's so happy, sleeping 8-9 hours at night and taking short, frequent naps. He's trying to roll over and acting like he's figuring out how to scoot backwards. He's a cooing machine - mimicking our mouth movements and tone. He's constantly got a smile on his face and he has incorporated these big, full-body, breathy laughs into most moments. He's a dream baby.

It's the weekend. I'm glad.

Some Things I Love (For Karen)

2009-06-03T07:09:00.004-04:00

So, Karen is right. Sometimes it really is only about those tiny moments that feel insignificant, but really are the total reason we are doing all of this.

Here are a few of my favorite things about my children:

1) Bailey says "That's okay" when you apologize to her for something. And she means it.

2) Last night, while I was bathing Connor, she came up behind me and started rubbing my back, ending it all by say "I love you so much, Momma"

3) Every night, she stares as me as if I am the only person who could ever make her feel so comfortable, safe and happy. And I believe I am.

4) Connor loves to give me kisses. He grabs the side of my nec

k or my cheeks and pulls me back to his mouth over and over again, giggling every time my lips touch his.

5) He still gives those big, wet, sloppy baby kisses that are only gross in thought...in reality, they are the sweetest kisses in the world.

6) He's trying to move - often, if you prop him up on a pillow (to change your clothes for example) he will thrust himself down. But then he looks up at you like, "Help...how the hell did I get into such an uncomfortable position." He doesn't cry...just waits, looking very perplexed.

7) He stares at Bailey - sometimes in adoration, but most of the time with a patient timidness.

8) Bailey eats macaroni and cheese with gusto. Seriously, I like mac and cheese even more because she is so passionate about it.

9) Bailey doesn't get that M&M's are chocolate - so if you offe

r her an M&M, she says no. If you offer her chocolate, she gets all excited. This makes me laugh. Hysterically sometimes.

10) Bailey is trying to figure out relationships. Yesterday we talked about how I am her Momma and Connor's Momma. She asked me if I was Mommy's Momma? I told her no, I am Mommy's wife. Last night, after this conversation, she told Kelly that Kelly was my wife. Super sweet.

11) Connor's upper thighs are ticklish. When you put lotio

n on him after his nightly bath, he giggles and giggles. Same thing with his neck. Washing his neck is cause for serious laughter.

12) Bailey likes to finger paint. I love that her art is hanging all over our living room and I can't wait for Connor's to join it.

13) Bailey approaches everything with such intensity. I see my

self so much in her and love the reflection.

14) Connor is Kelly, through and through. He is patient, gentle, laid back. He is a constant source of joy for me - none of the frustration that Bailey brought. He is simply love.

15) It seems that the donor did not have much to do with our children - they really are reflections of us. And yet they look alike. Take a look. This is both of them at 3 months.

Hmmmmm

2009-06-02T07:08:00.002-04:00

I couldn't come up with a title....so "hmmmm" it is.

All is normal in the McFadden household. So normal that I find it tedious to write about it. You all know the drill - up early, run the marathon, drop in bed. It doesn't change for us right now.

This past weekend Bailey was sick with strep. I was sick on Friday, but since Bailey's sickness trumped mine, I didn't really get to be sick. Connor's cold from earlier in the week settled into his lungs and nebulizer treatments were called for. Kelly healed like a normal person, although now she thinks she's getting a sinus infection. But since we've finally beat the yeast, she's terrified of the antibiotic cure.

Good fucking times.

See, this is why I haven't been writing. I am just in a mostly terrible mood these days. Honestly, I am just not a fan of my entire world being about the daily grind. I had a great trip to Maine with Bailey over Memorial Day. It was delightful. It was one of those perfect moments in time where you would like to stop time and just enjoy every moment. I hung with old buddies, I went out and got completely obliterated on Saturday night, my baby girl slept like the living dead and woke up refreshed every day, she played with her Grammie and Andrea, planted a garden. Really - it was a perfect trip.

And then I come home and realize that perfection exists only in moments and I can't help but feel bitter. I'm super frustrated with the fact that, even though I have everything I've ever said I wanted, I still feel like I need to reach for more. I don't know. I just find myself asking "really...is this as good as it gets?" And part of me knows that this IS as good as it gets with a 2-3 hour a day commute, a 3 month old and a 2 year old. I do know that things right now are crazy, and that isn't just my imagination. They really are.

I remember that it took about a year for Kelly and I to find one another after Bailey was born. The difference is that in my pregnancy, I didn't withdraw as much as Kelly did in hers. In her defense, her pregnancy was completely awful. But we're now 13 months into this (from the point that she got pregnant) and we've been lost for at least that long. And we had barely started to recover. I mean, Bailey was only 15 months old when we got pregnant.

So I don't know. Logically, it all makes sense that I'm struggling. But fuck! I am so tired of it. I jsut want to be happy.

Just To Busy

2009-05-27T08:09:00.002-04:00

That's my excuse. I'm just too busy to write much anymore. Which completely and totally sucks, because there is actually a lot going on. I think I'll take this post by each individual person...

Bailey

Our Bailey is doing very, very well right now. She seems to have hit another one of those points where one day she is years more advanced than she was just the day before. For instance, her already advanced language skills seems to have advanced a bit further. She is talking in full, complete sentences at all time. The other day, I asked her if she was cold (because it was windy) and she said, "No Momma, I'm not cold. I'm warm." Okay. That answered that question. She's also doing some pretty clear logical thinking. We were at the park, and I asked her if she was hungry. Just like that, "Bailey, are you hungry?" She looked at me for a second and then said, "No, I'm not hungry, I want to stay at the park." Obviously, she has figured out that the wrong answer to that questions will mean that we'll leave the park and go get food. And she didn't want to leave the park. She dresses herself. We don't really have her do it all the time, because she's not great at it. But she can get herself completely naked and then mostly dressed (she struggles with the socks) without must issue. She sings full songs from start to finish.

Really, she just blows my mind right now. She has fully transitioned to her big girl bed without any issues. She wanted it and now she sleeps in it. Done. This Friday morning, we are going to throw away all the binkys in the house. She is really, really going to struggle with this one. Other than just hanging on through hours of tears and no sleeping, I think we'll be okay. This is one struggle that is going to break her heart...but it's time. She is two and it needs to go. Connor doesn't use a binky. Occassionally, we'll give it to him, but he almost never wants it. He'll go binky-free at the same time, just for consistency.

We are still pending potty training. She's not really focused on it right now. I have to believe that there will come a time when she will pursue it. They put her on the potty multiple times a day at school and we will soon start doing the same at home on the weekends. I think the right first step will be to get rid of the diapers all together. But this is not an issue we are pushing or feel any urgency about.

Finally, our perfect eater is no longer a perfect eater. In fact, she is downright finicky!!!! She really only wants cereal or pancakes for breakfast, and mac and cheese and turkey hot dogs all the rest of the time. And mandarin oranges. We can get her to eat other pasta dishes, but rarely anything else. Some chicken. Some cheese. Not much else. It's frustrating, but I am comforted by the fact that all kids go through this.

Connor

Our Connor is going through the same type of development spurt that Bailey is going through. It seems like overnight he has morphed from a helpless infant into a baby. He has long periods of being awake, he's sleeping 6-8 hours at a stretch at night, with a second 2-3 hour stretch after a feeding. I walked into daycare yesterday and found him playing in their exersaucer! Our freakin' 3 month old baby was playing and having a great time!!! We got ours out and cleaned up again last night and he played in the one at home too. He recognizes us clearly now - all three of us. He smiles and hugs. His Mommy is his favorite person in the world. Partly, I assume, because he is still exclusively breast-fed...but also because she just gets him. They are very, very similar creatures. He gets thrown by loud craziness...unless it is the usual loud craziness of Bailey. Generally, though, if she cries and carries on, so does he. He doesn't like to feel disconnected. He doesn't like to be left for any real period of time by himself. He seems to be as social as Bailey, but in a different way. He likes to be around people and busyness...but he doesn't interact with it the way that she did. He watches. He ponders. He stares. He is going to be an observer in the same way that his Mommy is an observer.

He seems to find lots of comfort in me, so I am not too upset that Mommy is his clear favorite. LOL - it was bound to happen that way. He relaxes with me and snuggles with me. He is a bit thrown, though, because nearly every time he is in my arms, Bailey wants to be there too. She doesn't much like it when I spend exclusive time with Connor. We are working on that and forcing the issue some, because she needs to share. She's adjusting.

He's pretty big at this point. He's in 6-9 month clothes for the most part. He's probably 15 pounds, although he hasn't been weighed in a while. We are still medicating him for yeast, but it seems to be getting better. Kelly is also still being medicated for yeast. At this point, we are just trying to keep it managable. We've read that it will probably not completely go away until we can isolate him (meaning, until he is not breast fed). Kelly is committed to at least 6 months, so we are 2 1/2 months away from the isolation happening. She may decide to go longer.

Bailey and Connor

Bailey and Connor are developing a relationship. I guess I should say that Connor is really, really interested in his sister and Bailey is very much possesive of Connor. When I picked them up yesterday, I got Connor first. I didn't want for her to be around the other babies, touching and spreading germs. She is impossible to contain, so I got him first. I then brought him over to her room to pick her up. All the kids swarmed his carseat, which I had sitting on the table. I told the kids that it was fine to look, but not to touch. Bailey policed the situation quite impressively. Every time one of the other kids tried to touch the car seat, Bailey would say "No, that's my baby". LOL - she calls him "Connor Buddy" most of the time. Yesterday, when we were driving home, she started naming who we all were. She said "Mommy is a woman. Momma is a woman. That is a man (a stranger on the street). Pitter is a kitty. Connor is a buddy." SERIOUSLY cute!!!! I laughed and laughed. Then, Connor started to cry...cause he hates the car seat - and she tried to reach over to him saying "It's okay, little Connor Buddy, it's okay. Look, see, we're almost home. Do you remember, Connor Buddy, we're almost home?" She's such a good big sister! I can only imagine them in 6 months, when he is moving and trying to start to talk. God, it's going to be funny.

Mommy

Kelly is doing well with the transition back to work. As well as can be expected of a breast feeding mother who is only 13 weeks post partum. She's struggling with the separation. She talks about the physical cravings she has for Connor, and you can hear the sadness in her voice. I think she is trying to be gentle about it, because the difference between my reaction to returning to work (sheer joy) and her reaction is very different. Kelly really does try to be gentle about the fact that she did not suffer post partum depression. It's a very raw spot for me, so she treads lightly. With that said, her struggle is just different than mine. While she would never choose to be a stay at home mom, I think she would probably choose to take a year off to be with Connor if that were an option. Maybe a little less - maybe only the time that she is breast feeding.

The breast feeding is going well. She is incredibly proud of her ability to do this and make it work. Especially because it was so, so difficult at the beginning. And because I have not been the most supportive partner through the process. I am guilty of being incredibly selfish about it and not wanting her to feed him that way. It's been hard for me to seperate my feelings of guilt (for not being able to breast feed Bailey) and frustration (for having my wife's body belong to someone else) and jealousy (because she can and I couldn't and because Connor is attaching to her more quickly), with my very real understanding that this IS for the best. This is what is best for Connor. So not only has she had me and this relatively toxic environment, but she has also been dealing with a yeast infestation that took hold at 3 weeks and is still a factor. She's managed to continue breast feeding and has a thriving child to show for it. This is a very real reason to be proud...and she is. Connor loves her breasts!!! He gets all cranky when he goes without them and will not be satisfied with a bottle if she is anywhere near him. If he can smell her or hear her voice, it must be the boob or nothing!

Kelly is experiencing something with Connor that she didn't experience with Bailey. She loved Bailey from the start, deeply and truly. That is the same. What is different is that her confidence in her ability to parent Connor is so strong. She is bonded to him in a way that goes beyond the normal love that you feel for your child. The biological connection has been very real, along with the 2 years of practice that she got with Bailey. She is very, very much in love with him. She feels what I felt for Bailey, once I was able to move through my post partum depression. There is something to the biology of mothering. I would have denied it before Connor was born...until I felt the difference. Loving Connor for me has been an act of falling in love with him, of learning him, of becoming his parent through the daily tasks of parenting. Bailey was an instant, immediate connection. I knew her in my soul, in my bones, in my heart long before I could have articulated it. It's strange, because I could never compare the two - it's just different. Neither is better, and I would die for either of my children - but there is a difference. A big one. And Kelly is experiencing it from the other side. It is a joy to watch her love like this.

Momma

All told, I am well. The initial shock of having a new child in the house has worn off. Connor just belongs with us and that is that. I'm over the fit-throwing desire to yank my wife back to me. I'm through the worst of the exhaustion. I'm doing okay.

With that said, I crave a bit more normalcy. We are developing a routine and that feels good. The more developed it becomes, the happier I will be.

I am desperately missing my wife. Kelly and I are still seperated by a lot right now and while we have found very brief moments where we have the time and energy to cross the invisible line that seperates us, those moments are rare. We are both missing each other, but even the act of "missing" takes time and energy we don't have. I just have to keep holding on through this and believe it will get better. This part sucks for me, and honestly, it make the rest of it a bit less enjoyable. I hate the distance, which might be why I dislike early infancy so much.

All in all, though, I can't complain. We are doing okay and it's only getting better.

There is more, but I've been writing for an hour and I don't have time to keep writing. I'll be back tomorrow!

Maine Maine Maine...and other stuff

2009-05-20T07:13:00.002-04:00

So, I'm super, ridiculously swamped at work and don't want to do it...so here I am writing away.

Yesterday was hell-day for Kelly. Everything that could go wrong did. Bailey spilled water all over herself while Kelly was feeding Connor, making a clothing change necessary. Kelly sat Connor down to deal with the issue and he exploded in poop all over himself and his clothing. On the way upstairs to change and re-dress both kids, Bailey threw a fit because she wanted to be carried. Once upstairs, Bailey pooped while Connor was being cleaned up and redressed. Bailey was finally redressed and the kids were loaded into the car. Bailey fell out as Kelly was trying to drop her off. When she finally managed to complete that handout, and get Connor over to his room, she realized that in our exhaustion the night before we had filled the bottles and put rings and caps on them...but no nipples. Breast milk was everywhere in the insulated bag that we use. She lost about 3 ounces total (an entire feeding for the most part) and had to go home, get nipples, clean up the mess and bring it all back. So, of course, she missed the bus and had to drive to work.

Hell morning. Poor girl. She hung in there, though, and we made it through the day.

My job sucks right now. I am actively looking for another one, so if anyone out there is in the DC area with a job that I can work 6:30-3 and make around 55K a year, please let me know. I'm a kick ass worker, with nothing but perfect reviews for the last 5 years. I really am good at what I do. And what do I do, you might be wondering? Well, everything! Honestly. I can manage programs, do financial stuff, create webpages and trouble-shoot technical issues. I do all kinds of stuff and I've never found anything that I can't master. So...if there is anything out there, let me know!

I'm tired of working at 170% all the time. And this year, I'm going to lose about 10K in salary because they took away overtime and are not giving bonuses. On top of that we are in a salary freeze, meaning that I'm not getting an annual increase. Fine. But then, back the fuck off and let me just work like a normal person.

Anyway.

All of this is going away for a few days, because I'm going to Maine! And I get to take my Bailey with me and show her my state. She'll see the ocean for the first time ever. I'm just so freakin' excited!!! I'm really bummed about being away from Connor and Kelly, but honestly, it's a secondary emotion to being back in Maine. I need to go "home" for a couple of days. It's been since 2006.

Now, I must work. Of course.

The First Day

2009-05-19T07:14:00.002-04:00

It's funny, but Kelly's first day back at work held more signficance for me than Connor's first day at school. I guess it's because having a child in childcare is sort of old-hat to me. Having a wife, who just biologically had a child, back to work is not.

In any event, it went well. The day was long - we calculated that we both went at a dead sprint for 17 hours yesterday. Without stopping. It was long, it was lots of work and it was dirty. But it worked. This schedule that we keep is insane.

Kelly, rightfully, asked the question last night "how long can we honestly keep this up?" The answer that I gave her then is "as long as we have to"....because we don't have any other options. We work really hard for everything that we have. In that respect, we are not that different than any other couple with two very young children. It aint easy...but it's also not a surprise that it's not easy.

I have a friend that I see every day here at work. She and her husband have been married a couple of years and they live the very average life of a relatively newly married couple without children. Lately, she's been grilling me about being a mom and how we make it work. She asks me all kinds of questions - about our relationship, the time, the downtime and how to manage it all. I am honest...to a fault. I think it sucks that so many people gloss over raising children. I know that for some people it's really easy. I know that some people have these super easy schedules, ideal arragnements and are more than happy to put their relationships 2nd (or third or fourth). Some people really do make it look easy.

But I've done a lot of polling myself over the last two years. I've sought some truth and some reflection of my experience...and I've found it. Most people who do this, struggle. Most people find the balancing act difficult and most people find their marriages to be a pale shadow of what they were before children.

I'm not going to gloss it over.

She asks me if it's worth it. And the easy answer is that of course it's worth it. I mean, look, we love our children. Bailey and Connor are the best parts of us and they are the reason we do it all. But "worth" and "challenge" are not the same thing. It is very worth it. And it's fucking hard. Both things exist at the same time, in equal proportions.

Maybe when they are gone, we're close to retirement and things seem so calm and quiet again, we'll remember these times and want some of it back. I suspect we will. I have no doubt that this will be some of the best times we have with our children - when they are still so in love with us. We'll remember it all...but you can bet your ass I'll be honest about what it was too. It is work. It is a labor of love...

You Know That Twinge?

2009-05-14T07:37:00.002-04:00

You know that twinge you get when you realize that you've made thing too complicated?

I get it often.

And I have it again.

The first thing that I made to complicted was my desire to get Bailey in a big girl bed and potty trained right around two. I went on a tirade and forced Kelly to go out and buy a twin bed like two months ago. It is in Bailey bedroom and is currently being used as a place for the cats to sleep and a spring board for Bailey's bored jumping. This past weekend, we were in Baby's R Us and Bailey spotted a toddler bed. She ran to it, happy as a lark. We plopped down our $100 bucks for the NOT pink version and Monday night I randomly decided to put it together and dismantle the crib. And just like that, Bailey's transitioned to a big girl bed. There has been no drama. No issues. No late-night playing in the room. Just Bailey, in a bed, sleeping. I gave up on potty training too - just letting it happen as she leads it. Again the twinge. I just need to remember (or get it through my thick scull somehow) that Bailey will let us know when she is ready to make these transitions. And they will probably happen right on time, when they are supposed to happen. On her schedule...not mine.

The second thing that I've made too complicated is my relationship. Again. I do this often and it kills Kelly. Seriously. She hates me for it. This is one of those things that she tolerates about me, rather than loving in an exasperated kind of way. I can't push her. I can't force her to be a circle when she is a square. And I always try. And it frustrates me to an unreal level when she doesn't respond...in other words, when she stays a square. But, and this is always true, if I just back off and put what I need out there and let her figure out how to make her edges a little more round, she always does. Always. She's never failed me.

*sigh*

Sometimes, being me is exhausting.

A Million Things and Nothing

2009-05-11T07:50:00.002-04:00

I haven't posted much because there really isn't all that much to say. I could assult your senses with my million and one daily tasks, but that seems mostly pointless.

Things are good. Not just okay. Not bad. But actually good. Connor has now slept through the night twice (the "night" being 8 PM - ~4:30 AM). Not consecutively, but close enough that we hope it'll stick. When he is up, it's later in the morning - usually 3:30 AM or so...so he is sleeping longer stretches. This is good.

Today is his first day of daycare, if they allow him to start. I say it like that because we still can't get rid of the yeast and they told us last week he couldn't start if we didn't get rid of it. We'll see what they say. Kelly is home this week, so if we need to keep him home another couple of days, it's not the worst thing in the world.

It's another transition. Next week will be another transition as both of us will be back to work and both kids in childcare. *sigh*

That should be the last of the immediate changes though. Hopefully.

We bought a 2009 Honda Odyssey on Saturday. It's absolutely awesome and we are beyond happy to have the much needed space.

Bailey is good. Not much changing there - just our usual, awesome, full-of-life baby girl.

More updates soon. I promise.

Lessons Learned

2009-05-05T08:13:00.002-04:00

Time for a new lessons learned post. Bailey's party was fantastic and I'll post pictures soon. Everyone is doing just fine (aside from a never-ending yeast problem that is so frustrating I don't want to talk about it).

Lesson #1: Just stop having expectations. Of anything, or anyone. Just stop.

Lesson #2: Never, ever say that both kids are sleeping out loud. If you do, one of them will wake up.

Lesson #3: Don't try to have sex. See above, second sentence.

Lesson #4: Poop diapers never end and are never fun.

Lesson #5: It's okay to not like parenting sometimes. It's even okay to go whole stretches of time where you don't like parenting.

Lesson #6: Your kids will reflect you. No matter what you do or how hard you try to hide what is happening in your life. They see it and will reflect it. Period.

Lesson #7: It never ends. Don't expect it to (see #1). Even when you get a "break" you're still a parent. You can't escape it and trying to will just frustrate you.

Lesson #8: Everything, everything, everything changes.

Lesson #9: Just when you think you've figured out the changes, it changes again. See #1.

Lesson #10: Go ahead, swear if you want to. What's the worse that can happen?

Lesson #11: Inevitably, someone thinks you're doing it wrong. Fuck them.

Lesson #12: Stop comparing your kids to other kids. Just stop. Eventually, you will find the fault in your kids and that sucks. So don't go looking for it.

Lesson #13: People are staring at you in the store when your kids loses his or her cool or you lose your cool with them. Accept it. See #11.

Lesson #14: Get a good pediatrician. One that is responsive. You need them more often than you think you do.

Lesson #15: Your first instinct is probably the right one, even if it goes against everything you've ever said about parenting. See #1.

Lesson #16: When in doubt, blame it on the exhaustion. Most of the time, this is an accurate assignment of blame.

Lesson #17: It goes without saying that you understand your parents more than ever when you become a parent yourself.

Lesson #18: Puke doesn't smell any better when it dries on your clothes. Inevitably, you will smell like puke a lot.

Lesson #19: Your pets become your pets when the kids show up. It's just a fact of life. They will eventually get used to it.

Lesson #20: Try to come up with a plausible answer when your friends ask you if would go back and choose to not have children if you could. They will ask, if you're honest, and inevitably you won't be able to answer. How could you possibly answer that completely pointless question?

For Our Bailey

2009-05-01T07:40:00.002-04:00

Two years ago, your Mommy and I were in the hospital. We had just woken from a very restless nights sleep full of cervidil and contractions. We were preparing for a day of pitocin and what we hoped would be dilation and delivery. We were so ready for you and May 1 seemed like a perfectly good day to have you.

Of course, that is not how it worked. You were very comfortable inside of my body, my Bailey. You were also wrapped up tight in the cord, so even if you were not very comfortable, you couldn't do much to help yourself. We tried pitocin all day to no avail. The attempts went into the next day...the day you finally joined us.

You were born with a loud, piercing cry. You were born big with a shock of black hair. You were pink and moved quickly into bright red as you screamed at those of us who would force you into this world. You came out as spirited and as fiesty as you are today.

We had so many dreams, so many hopes, so many unbelievable misconceptions about parenting. You taught us moment by moment what it meant to be your parent. What it was to be your Mommy and your Momma.

And, oh, how we loved you! God, the rush was amazing. Seeing your face and knowing that you were the child we had waited for. We were shocked, we were tired, we were no prepared for what was coming...but we were so in love with you.

And we still are. You have become such an amazing child. You are all the things I admire the most - you are charismatic, ballsy, funny, boisterous. You are intense and full of energy. You bend life to suit you in a way that is so complete, I can't help but be impressed. I adore you when you make me laugh when I'm trying to punish you. You are so completely a part of every moment of my life, that I cannot seperate my love for you from my need to breathe. You are me and I am you and the essential task of seperating the two is what parenting you is all about.

Our child. Our baby. Our daughter. We love you. More than I can say and more than you'll ever know or comprehend. Happy Birthday, tomorrow, B Bubbles.

I Adore a New Book

2009-04-30T07:19:00.001-04:00

Particuluarly when there are four in the series.

Yes, I just started the Twilight series and predictably, I am as hooked as everyone else. I read last night until my eyes closed on their own (and quite without my permission). I will read every available moment until I have devoured each of the four books and then I will start them again and read them more slowly to digest and absorb what I missed the first time.

Kelly hates it when I get new books like this...because they inevitably take me away from her.

God, I love a new book. LOVE IT!

Poor Bailey...and Poor Us!

2009-04-28T06:45:00.002-04:00

Poor, poor Bailey. Our little girl has hit the wall. And unfortunately, it's the two year old, new baby brother, new schedule, new school, less time with Momma, more sharing of attention, less predictability wall.

And she does not like it one bit!

There are so many factors that it's hard to point to just one as the cause. And none of what is ailing Bailey can be fixed by anything except time. We talked about how this would effect Bailey. "This" being a new baby, a new school, new stressors and less time with her parents all as she is hitting a very difficult developmental stage. We knew that it would be tough for all of us. But boy, oh boy. The reality is so much harder than the conversation.

She is just a mess right now. She is spending 98% of her time yelling "no", throwing herself to the floor in protest, screaming and generally being an ass. Timeouts don't work on this, because the issue isn't behavioral. We know this because we've tried. She's not doing this stuff because she's doing something wrong, she's doing it because she doesn't know what else to do. She's completely thrown. I'm certain that she is feeling very uncertain and isn't sure how to get what she needs. I am equally certain that what she needs is not going to happen.

Bailey likes predictability. She needs to know what to expect next and really thrives in an environment that is clearly defined at the edges. By it's very definition, early infancy parenting is not definable. Add to that a new crazy schedule that we are trying to juggle and make work and the complete lack of schedule on Connor's part and we are all just tired and wore out.

I know that this is temporary and that we will all, Bailey included, get through this. Connor will eventually define a schedule for himself and eventually we will be able to draw him into the routine of our life. It will stop feeling so challenging and will start making sense.

Unfortunately for Kelly and I, we cannot nurture ourselves through this transition. We must nurture Bailey through it, leaving no time to relax and blow off our own steam.

Ahhhh...the joys of parenting infants. I do adore my children...but I don't enjoy early infancy. I really don't.

For Connor

2009-04-27T06:57:00.002-04:00

My Dearest Baby Blue:

I am beginning this post on the date of your adoption, knowing that I will not have time to finish it. Things always get crazy and this day will be no different. If I post it late, please do not think it is because I do not think this is a very special day for us.

Today, the law calls me your mother. Today I am granted all the rights and priviledges and responsibilities that come from being someone's parent. Today the world cannot deny that you are my son. Today is significant, because it means that I will truly be able to protect you should that need to happen.

But I did not become your mother today. I became your mother the moment you were concieved. Really, I became your mother the moment we dreamed you so many years ago.

And, baby blue, what a beautiful child you are. I have fallen so completely in love with you. With your grunts and your full body stretches. With your stinky head and the sweat smell of your breath. I see your little mouth working and pouting while you are sleeping and my insides melt. When I lift you and you stick your little butt out and then curl into my chest, I feel a rush of love that I never thought I would feel again. You are my baby blue, and you are my world.

Second children often get less of their parents, and you are no exception to this rule. Connor, you have a beautiful sister who is large and loud and commands the room when she walks into it. You may feel slighted by this, but I want you to know right now that you will never be our second child. You are not second in our hearts or second in our lives. You are our baby...the final link in a dream that began many years ago. You are the boy who completes us and makes us the family we have always wanted to be.

I will guide you, teach you, watch you grow and eventually let you go. I will love you with all of my heart, fully and without hesitiation forever. I will be a soft place for you to land when you fall and I will help you define who you want to be in this world. Ultimately, I will be nothing more and nothing less than one person in this world who will never abandon you. You will always havea place to turn, a home, as long as I am in this world.

I love you, son. More than I have words for and I feel that I can never do justice in a letter. Perhaps one day, when you look at your child, you will understand that the words can never convey how deeply you are born into me.

Our adoption day is the stamp of approval from the world. But our bond is what I give to you forever.

All my love - Your Momma

Changing Priorities

2009-04-25T06:26:00.000-04:00

My birthday was fantastic! Kelly had the house all cleaned (yes, this is a gift for me) and decorated when I arrived home on Thursday night. There was a delicious red velvet cake, balloons, presents, cards, streamers and a banner! LOL - I know that it is silly, but I love a party. I really do. Especially when I'm the guest of honor. Makes me feel like a princess. And I love my wife for knowing this.

Bailey was excited too.

We did dinner first - steak, mashed potatoes and corn on the cobb. Then cake and ice cream and then my present!!! And boy, this is where my wife really shines. She knows me so well. I needed a black purse (it has been a never-ending drama for a couple of years) and she found the perfect purse for me! But that is not it. She stuffed the purse. When I opened it up, there were a ton of little red bags, each filled with stuff. There were gift cards good for an entire night out (dinner at Outback, dessert at Coldstone, blockbuster movie rentals), there were gift cards for Starbucks and Itunes. There were my favorite pens, lottery cards, purse essential (antibacterial foam and gum), there was kisses, a necklace to replace my broken chain from my necklace. It was so much fun to open!!!! The kids got me my favorite candle and car air freshner from Yankee Candle.

It was fantastic and I had a great time! Kelly's theme for my birthday was "everything I wanted" and it continued through having a clean house and...well...you know.

What a terrific birthday!

And now I'm 30. This seems so significant, but I can't seem to place why. I feel like I need to reorder my priorities, but I'm not sure what reorder needs to happen. Perhaps it's just a need to reaffirm that I'm where I want and need to be and that I'm living a life that I won't regret when I'm done. That is, after all, my ultimate goal in my life. When I'm old and wrinkly (and hopefully that will happen), I don't want to look back and say "I wish". I want to live now and not regret later. I want to be fully present in my world and I want my world to reflect all the parts of me. I want to celebrate who I am and what I'm doing and I want for the life I lead to clearly show that.

I think I am struggling with this right now because we are still in the thick of finding a new normal with a new baby. This morning, I found myself thinking that Bailey is probably struggling a bit because we are fumbling with timing. She's always had a predictable schedule and finds comfort from being able to predict what will be happening next. Of course, she needs that because we need it and we have always given her that since she was born. With a new baby, that is, of course, impossible. It will re-emerge. Of that I am certain. It always does. Connor is growing and changing every day and each day brings us closer to finding our rhythm with a new child.

Kelly and I are going to be fine. I know that those of you who know me were able to read between the lines and realize that I was really struggling last week. That, of course, came out right at the end of what has been a long period of struggling in my marriage. I haven't shared on purpose, through all of it. I can say now that we're going to be fine. When all else fails, it is Kelly who I need to complete my life. There are things that are not good. There are things that both of us would change in a heartbeat if we could. But, when it is all said and the quiet moments take over, I need her. I do not want to leave my marriage and start over. I do not want to ignore the pleading of my heart when it says to stick with it and see this through. I do not want to make a decision that I will regret...and if I were to leave Kelly, I would regret that. I love her. As deeply as I ever have and I simply choose to believe that we will be okay. There is too much there, too much that is important to both of us, for us not to be. For better or worse. Those are the words I said, those are the words she said and they are the words we will honor. In our darkest moments, we always seek each other. That is our salvation and what, in the end, says more to me than anything about where I want to be. She is my wife and I will share my life with this woman.

For now, I just have to accept and work with the reality that nothing is predictable right now. We are still working through infancy and we will make it through this. I don't know who we will be as a family on the other side. I don't know who I will be as a woman. But I do know that we will emerge together, the four of us, and that the life we have will be the life we create together.

That is what I am certain of, and that's not a bad way to start 30.

Slammed

2009-04-23T07:43:00.003-04:00

LOL - when I was in college, that might have meant a whole host of things.

These days, it's all about time.

I'm slammed constantly and there is just not enough time. Never enough time. Yesterday was particularly horrid. I was up "late" at 5 AM, showered and out the door by 5:45. At work by 6:45. In meetings and racing to beat the clock until I left a meeting early to get out of work 15 minutes late at 3:45. Finally got off the bus and picked up Bailey at 5 PM. Got home at 5:30. Dinner, Connor, Kelly, Bailey, dinner, dishes, prep, "quality time", and both kids were in horrible moods. Bailey threw tantrum after tantrum, leading to increasingly frustrated timeouts by both Kelly and I. Finally, I gave in after she refused to eat dinner and just brought her upstairs to give her a bath at 6:30. By 7:15, she was in bed. But not sleeping. I walked out of her room to hear Connor screaming at Kelly downstairs. Went down and took Connor, so that I could at least say that I held him that day and to give her a break. He screamed for a solid two hours before he finally fell asleep. We all took turns holding him, Kelly trying to feed him. Walking, shushing, cuddling, walking, shushing, cuddling.

Finally, at 9:30, we collapsed into bed and fell asleep.

Good times.

Tomorrow is my birthday and my adoption day. Both seem very significant, and yet I can't seem to draw any energy from them. I'm excited about the adoption. It is the legal stamp that means that nobody can ever deny my rights and responsibilities as his parent. I guess because I live in a relatively safe community and have never had my rights challenged, I don't feel like this is anything more than a rubber stamp. But an important one, for sure.

As for my birthday - well. I'm not sure how I feel. I guess I feel like I'm entering my 30s at a strange time. It's hard to feel excited about anything when you're exhuausted, I guess. Maybe I'll feel more celebratory tomorrow.

After the adoption we're going to the aquarium. I don't know about plans other than that.

A Great Day

2009-04-21T07:03:00.001-04:00

Wow - it was great to be back at work! I am definately not a one-track girl. I need many different brain challenges to keep me happy.

Work is good. They are delighted to have me back and my boss piled work on me like crazy. I'm happy to have the challenge of time management, happy to have things to think about that don't involve babies, nipples or diapers.

Don't get me wrong - I love my family. But I am a girl who needs more. And work provides it.

It was a very, very good day.

Back At Work

2009-04-20T07:18:00.001-04:00

Phew! I'm back at work today with another maternity leave behind me.

I miss my family, actually.

This is surprising. Not that I miss them, but I just didn't expect it. It's nice to be in silence. Nice to be thinking about something other than them (am I really, though, because here I am).

Still, I already miss Connor's little face.

More later.

In Other News

2009-04-18T20:38:00.000-04:00

Kelly and I are good. Enough of that.

Bailey is doing really, really well! This past week was her first week at her new school. Her first day was Tuesday (they were closed for Easter Monday) and she did fantastic!!!! There have been absolutely zero transition issues. She loves them, loves the room, loves the songs and her "circle time". She is fine being left and is always having a good time when we pick her up.

A couple of huge, huge developments happened on her first day. First - she went pee on the potty!! We've been working for a long time getting ready. We sit on the potty frequently and she has been wearing pullups at school for a long time. But she has never actually "put her pee pee" on the potty. But, just like that, she did at school. They said that she sat on the toilet for 3 minutes and then went. Just like that. No fuss. We got her day sheet and noticed that it said "IWP" on the line where they usually write the contents of her diaper. We had to think and then realized that it was code for "I Went Potty". We were stunned!!!! We went in the next morning and they confirmed it.

So now we know that she can do it. It's only a matter of time before it becomes a regular thing. We are not pushing it. We talk about panties and she's excited that she'll get to wear them, but when you ask her if she wants to wear them now, she says no! So we'll just take it easy and let her lead. It's nice to have a school that is actually working with her, though.

The second major development is that they eradicated her pacifier at school! They just didn't give it to her. She asked for it a couple of times the first day, but after that, she hasn't asked for it. Even during nap time!!! That means the only time that she has her pacifier is at night. We need to work on that.

Connor is doing very well. He is starting to develop some pattern in his sleeping, but it is sketchy at best. He sleeps 2-4 hours at a stretch at night. During the day, when we let him sleep in the swing, he'll sleep longer. He loves his swing. We have kept him in his pack n play upstairs, even though we could probably get more sleep. For now, Kelly is taking the brunt of the night stuff. I get him up when he wakes up, do the diaper change and then give him to her to feed. Then, I am ashamed to say, I fall back asleep. She is usually up for 45 minutes or more doing his feeding. Then she wakes me back up and I put him in his crib while she gets herself ready to go back to sleep.

He has started smiling full on when he sees me or Kelly. He hasn't shown any preference for us over other people...but he certainly has preference for Kelly over me. Which makes good sense right now. He's all about eating, all the time...LOL!

Next week is a big week for me. On Monday, I start back to work. I absolutely can't wait!!!!!! I feel sad to be leaving Connor - I will miss seeing him during the day. But I need to work and I need to feel like a grown up. Work helps me with that. I'm very happy to be going back.

Then, on Friday I turn 30 and it's Adoption Day!!!! We found out last week that our adoption hearing is April 24. This means that it will be only 2 months after he was born that he becomes legally mine. It's amazing how important this formality feels to me.

All four of us and Kelly's mom will be going to the hearing. After, I think the four of us are going to go to the Aquarium. Or maybe the Children's Museum. Something anyway. We'll enjoy a nice lunch in Baltimore and then head home.

I think that's all for now. I'm tired after a long, wonderful day in the spring sunshine. I have a cold beer and when it's gone, I'm heading to bed. This has been a good couple of days.

Oh Hell

2009-04-16T08:07:00.000-04:00

Here is the thing - there is so much happening in our lives and some of it just isn't great. Kelly and I have never been where we are, and she has made it very clear that she is not comfortable with me talking about it.

It makes me feel like a fraud to write about the events of my life and ignore all of the things going on inside. Especially because those things going on inside actually eclipse the daily events.

This blog started out as a record for our children. It has turned into something more important (at least, more important to me). It is where I express my head, where I put into written word the shit that is tumbling around in my brain. It is an outlet, a release.

It also makes Kelly very uncomfortable when I talk about her. But how can I not?

So, I'll stay live. But I may not post very often right now. I just can't. I don't want to be a fraud - to myself or to those of you who read regularly. I can't pretend that things are wonderful right now. They are not. I can say, without hesitation, that Kelly and I are hanging in there and that there is light at the end of the tunnel we've found ourselves in. If I thought that my marriage was doomed, I would just keep writing. But I don't think it is. I think we've got a shot and I have to respect her wishes to not discuss it right now.

Radio Silence

2009-04-15T11:56:00.000-04:00

On Monday, April 20th, this blog will disappear for a while. I'm not deleting it, but I will be making it completely private for the time being.

At some point, it will come back. Not sure when, though. If you want me to send you an email when I make it live again, leave a comment.

It's been a good run, but I can't talk about my life right now and I can't write without talking about my life. So, time to go for now.

A New Look

2009-04-08T09:45:00.004-04:00

Winds of Change

2009-04-08T05:29:00.000-04:00

LOL - that is such a heavy-sounding title for such a fluffy post!

I got my hair cut. Finally. All of it. It's super-short. Well, I guess it's about an inch and a half on top, but super-short every where else. I also got it colored - a deep red. It's rich, vibrant, exciting, fresh and new.

It's also something I have been wanting to do for a long, long time. Kelly doesn't like my hair short. She never has. She has always encouraged me to keep my hair long (or longer) because it's her preference. And I've always been mostly okay with that. Afterall, I do want to look beautiful for my wife.

But, a strange thing happened when I got in the car after my appointment. I looked into the rearview mirror and recognized the woman I saw. I have felt so disconnected from myself for the last few years. Having children has overshadowed most of me and that's okay. But I am still the girl I've always been...and part of that is represented by my hair.

I know that I'm probably assigning too much to a haircut, but I left my appointment feeling light, happy, in control and excited. I jumped in my car, cranked up my music and felt like a million bucks. I adore the cut - it makes me feel sexy, young and fresh.

I'll post a picture this afternoon...

Tough Few Days

2009-04-07T05:22:00.000-04:00

I have to write this post gently, because Kelly isn't into sharing and this involves her as much as it does me. So forgive me if it is short on details and not up to my usual bare-it-all writing.

Kelly and I are struggling. Not as parents, but as a couple. I think that we have found the path that will lead us back to the light, but we're still very much groping in the dark. There are a million reasons, some logical and some not. We're both tired, physically and mentally. We're emotionally wrung out. We have no time, for ourselves, for each other. We are very little more than just two people who are completing a never-ending list of tasks before sitting and staring blankly at the dishes or the computer or the TV before falling into bed and sleeping the sleep of the ehausted before waking up and doing it all over again.

We can see the signs and we know that we can't let this happen. But we're both too tired to stop it.

So, this is the pink elephant in the room that I haven't been talking about and haven't been writing about. It's difficult to admit to marital struggles when everyone else seems to be doing just peachy. It's difficult to say it out loud and give it more power than it might already have. It's difficult to look at my love and realize that I'm not losing her because of any shortage of love, but because of exhaustion and weariness and the relentless pounding of life.

And then, there are a couple of seconds every now and then that I look into Kelly's eyes and I remind myself that we can, we will...we have to...make it through this and find the other side. Because my heart, my soul, my life...everything that I love the most about me would shatter without her.

So there we are. The kids are good and we are going to West Virginia this weekend to see Kelly's family and enjoy a birthday party and Easter Egg hunt. I am excited about the change of pace and seeing new faces. I'm not so much looking forward to two kids in a hotel room. Benadryl will be my friend where Bailey is concerned. LOL - is it wrong to drug your kid to ensure that she sleeps? Even if it is wrong, I don't care. I am going to do it anyway.

The adoption paperwork has all been gathered and submitted to the court. $2000 later, we are just waiting for the court date where the judge will sign the document that will make Connor legally my child. So much money for such an important formality. Of course, it's worth it.

The court date will either be April 24 (my 30th birthday) or May 22. If it's May 22, I will have to push back my scheduled vacation to Maine - instead of arriving on Thursday and leaving Monday, I will have to arrive on Saturday and leave Tuesday or Wednesday. We'll see. I'm hoping we'll make the April date and I won't have to worry about it. But if we don't, there isn't anything I can do...and your adoption hearing isn't something you can just reschedule.

Connor is laying in his swing, starting to wake up. Bailey just came over the monitor, starting to wake up. She'll go back to sleep. He probably won't. I need more coffee.

A Friday Reminder

2009-04-03T11:30:00.000-04:00

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

The Stuff of My Heart

2009-04-01T06:54:00.000-04:00

I had trouble writing the post last night, because so much of what I'm "doing" right now is inside my head and not the external tasks that make up the days. When Bailey was this age, I was incapable of experiencing emotion in a healthy way. I was leveled and at this point, was continuing to be leveled. I was in no way able to contemplate all that was happening inside of my head and my heart.

This time is different and I find myself reflecting on love. How lucky I am to love three people so completely. How lucky I am to be loved so comletely by three people. It's such an amazing and life altering experience.

I've spoken of my love for Kelly before, but always in a way detached from our children. After all, in many ways I believe that what we share MUST be detached from our children in order to have meaning without them. But that erases the very important reality that our love will never exisist without them again, even after they have grown and left our home. I choose to love Kelly - every day and sometimes more than once in a day. It is an active choice. Something that I do because I can't help myself and something that I do with delibrate decision. Our love is like a river, flowing and changing. Sometimes it is dry, the bed cracked and drought ridden, and other times it is a rushing, raging body of water, forsaking all in it's path. Most of the time is is mearly a river - with deep and shallow spots, rocky rapids and spots of babbling brook. What it always is, however, is a choice. It's a destination - something that we come to each day because we want to be here.

But even that isn't the right description, because we are no longer connected solely by choice. I have come to realize that loving my children is an act of loving Kelly greater than any that I have ever chosen. Our lives are completely and forever entwined in a way that words are incapable of describing. Loving her, and keeping our love strong and alive, is as necessary to our children as it is to us. It's also the inevitable outcome of loving our children. How could I ever love them, without recognizing the crucial role that their Mommy has in their lives. Because I love them I love her and because I love her, I love them. Choosing to work through whatever issues may arise in our marriage is not a choice, even though I have to choose to do it. Does that make sense? Walking away from her is not an option - even if I wanted to (which I don't). Unless she were to hurt the children, which she never would, I could no more walk away from her than I could walk away from them. Because the love is so woven together that to try to seperate one would destroy the others. And that is not a choice I could ever make.

My love for Bailey has also been talked about a lot, but not with the perspective of having another child to love. I can make comparisons about my two children and how I love them, but in reality, there isn't a comparison. I love them both to the depths of my soul, but differently. My love for my children is like the ocean. Vast, seemingly without a bottom. I realize that perhaps there is a bottom, but like the ocean, finding it would crush me. In reality there is no end to what I feel. I cannot see to the other side. I cannot fathom the depth or the ways that this vast body of love will change and carve the landscape of my soul. And in my inability to begin to see it in total, I just accept it completely. There is no end for my children and I. I love them as completely as I have ever loved, and more deeply than I could ever convey.

And yet, my love for each is so different. Sometimes I find myself shocked and amazed at how differently I love them. How is that possible? How is it possible that I can love each one to infinate degrees, but can so easily identify how different each feels?

Bailey is my soul child. She really is. I feel like our breath rises and falls together. I feel connected to her as if she is of my body. And not because I gave birth to her, but because she needs that from me. I hold her close to me in every possible way - physically, mentally, emotionally. She is never far from my thoughts, my words, my actions. She is, literally, with me every step of every moment. I love her fiercely, with an almost animalistic fever. I crave her in my very soul, and too long without her makes me feel breathless. The intensity that I love her comes directly from the intensity that is generated between us. There is nothing gentle or easy about my love for my first born child. It is heavy, strong, deep and true. She will forever be connected to a dark part of me, and she is the salvation I found in the darkest moments. I breath her in and I feel like I am breathing my own life. I love her so deeply that I almost fear it in moments and have to remind myself to step back, and let her grown and live her own life. My role with her is much more hands on than I ever expected. She needs me in ways that I never knew a child would need it's mother. She looks to me for everything and my disappointment can crush her little world. It is an awesome responsibility and I carry that with me every moment. My actions, my steps in this world, my choices all carve her path as deeply as they carve my own. And my job as her mother, in many ways, is to guide her off my path an onto her own. I have to do this by setting aside my own intensity and allow hers to dominate, and so her path becomes mine in many ways. This is what I'm talking about - this indescribable journey that we take together because we are so close.

Loving Bailey must be a selfless act. In order for her to have the space to grow, I must trim down my own largeness. I cannot walk into and completely fill a room because my daughter also walks into a room and completely fills it. My gift to her, my role as her mother, my job as her parent is to back up and let her expand. It is the most intense role of my life, requiring constant vigilence.

Connor, on the other hand, is like loving a fresh breeze. I never, in all of my wildest dreams, believed that I would love like this. I am intense, hard, dark in many ways. I love that way too. But not Connor. Connor is the fresh breeze that caresses my soul every day. His is lightness and sunshine, comfort and calm. The love I have for him is white hot - blinding in it's beauty and undeniable in it's strength. And yet, there is nothing complex or intense about it. It is simple and pure, easy and as natural as anything I have ever experienced. He fits against my breast, into my soul and in lights corner of my world that I thought would forever be darkened.

He seems to me to be a angel, literally. His crying, his moods, his needs - none of it is difficult. There is nothing that requires work for me. I have moments of frustration, but often those moments come when I am not really looking at him. It seems that the second I look into his eyes, a peace steels into my soul and calms me. I find such comfort in holding him, smelling him, listening to his sounds. My hands find new gentleness that has never existed before when I touch him. He was born, as completely my child as if he had actually come from my body. And it seems to be reciprocated. It's such a strange and beautiful thing to pick him up and feel him melt into me. It seems that he sees in my what nobody else ever has. He doesn't see intensity in me, he seeks and finds calm and comfort. It is almost as if he nurtures me. I care for him, tending to his daily needs, and yet it is in him that I find the most comfort. Not the other way around.

Or perhaps that is just my perception. I see him and I feel clean. I hold him and I feel free of all the burden that I have felt in parenting. He is my pure contrast - light where I am dark, simple where I am complicated, calm where I am intense. I find such beauty in the contrast that I can barely contain it. There are moments where I know joy like I have never known it when I hold him. I literally feel like I could be lifted from my feet and float among the clouds when he rests his cheek against mine and quiets. It's such an amazing lightness.

I feel like my job as his parent is as a mere guide. It's almost as if his path has already been partially carved, as if he will experience very little of the difficulties that his sister (and that his Momma) has experienced.

In many ways, I love him for many of the same reasons I love Kelly, and yet the two loves are completely different. Kelly calms me, but because my love for her is so hot and intense, it's not always calming. Connor is different. He brings peace to me in a way that is unmatched by any other soul I have ever encountered.

So that is where my head is these days. I have been tumbling these nuggets of thought around for a couple of weeks, grinding them down and seeking truth from them. Loving, so deeply and so differently, is such a gift. What a joy that I have known these three people and that I have them to hold and cherish for years to come. What an honor that Kelly chose me and that the two souls we call our children have chosen us. This is family. This is my family.

So Little Time...So Many Excuses...

2009-03-31T21:51:00.000-04:00

Time is so strange on maternity leave. It seems like I have all the time in the world, but then I look around and it's already 3 PM and I have to go get Bailey. Where does the day go? What do I do with the time? It's so strange.

Which is my way of saying sorry for not writing more often. There are actually things going on and things to say, but I just never find the time to sit down and put it into words. So, forgive the broken nature of this post - but there is a lot to write!

We'll start with the newest member of our family - Mr. Connor. He is doing very well, and is the least drama of all of us, ironically. He's growing so quickly - already, we've done away with newborn diapers and packed up the newborn clothing. He started smiling just a couple of days ago - little crinkles that start at the corner of his eyes and end at one side of his mouth hitching up. Usually, you get a big smile when he turns his head and realizes that either me or Kelly is holding him. He loves to "find" us.

His sleeping has become a bit of drama in the last couple of days. Connor has decided that he doesn't want to sleep anywhere except the swing or in my arms. For two nights now, he has slept amost exclusively in my arms, while I sit propped up with pillows trying to sleep myself. This is not safe for him and certainly not conducive to a good night's sleep for me. He sleeps great in the swing - for up to 4 hours at a stretch during the day. We tossed around the idea of letting him sleep in the swing the same way that we did for Bailey, but that caused it's own host of problems. Namely, we couldn't travel, we bought more batteries than any human being should and it was HELL to break her of it when she finally grew out of it. We have come back full circle to just forcing him into the pack n play - accepting that it might mean a few sleepless nights for us while we train him back into it. Tomorrow, the swing will need to go away - because I'm convinced that if we put him in it during the day, it will affect his sleep at night. And THAT is no good.

Breastfeeding still has it's own host of challenges, but we are working on meeting them. Kelly still has very sore nipples most of the time. Connor is only eating for 10-12 minutes at a time on each breast and then stopping (usually with some painful pulling when he stops), but then acting hungry when he is "finished". There could be lots of explanations - he is in a growth spurt, Kelly's supply is lower than it should be, or maybe just that they are both still learning. Whatever the issue, Kelly is really struggling with it all. I think that she wishes this were like the blissful images we see all over the place of the perfectly serene mother feeding her perfectly suckling baby. Lord knows, there is all kinds of pressure to make breastfeeding work - from many sources. Because of my non-experience with breastfeeding, I cannot offer any advice or reassurance. In fact, in some ways, I am a detriment to the process. I definately think that formula is easier, and if Kelly wasn't so adament about doing this and seeing it through, I would push harder for her to quit.

But, because she is committed, I am trying to be supportive and we are have set up a consultation at the Breastfeeding Center downtown. I have nothing to offer, having no experience, and we need for someone to watch the process. Even if Kelly and Connor are doing everything perfectly and this is all just the natural course of it, Kelly needs to hear that from someone who knows what they are talking about. She needs to be able to pepper someone with all her questions and get meaningful, personal feedback. Truth be told, she also needs to be surrounded, even for a short period of time, by people who champion breastfeeding and who treat the other options are secondary. She needs to the "pep" talk that I can't give. Our appointment is on Thurdsay.

It seems that there isn't much else going on with Kelly that is of importance. The breastfeeding stuff is all encompassing right now. It is an every-two-hour thing that takes up her entire brain. She is still going through a lot of the post partum hormone rush, but that seems to have improved in the last week. She definately seems to be on a more even keel right now. A frustrated keel, as breastfeeding has her going crazy, but more even than last week! She is within 10 pounds of her pre-Connor weight and within 30 pounds of her pre-Bailey weight. The nice thing about breastfeeding is that it takes that weight off QUICK! And she's just a naturally thin woman anyway - so it's coming off without much issue. The last 20 will be challenging.

Bailey is hanging in there. She and I have recently had some minor crisis regarding her behavior. I have been letting her get away with murder in the last month or so and she has been committing "murder" on a regular basis. She has turned into a mouthy, stubborn, fit-throwing, screaming monster who sucks the fun out of nearly every moment with her open defiance and ridiculous whining. How's that for a hell of a description?

Honestly, though, it's an accurate one.

And it's made me crazy. I am the person who primarily handles Bailey and I am certainly her primary disciplinarian. And I have been failing. After a couple of crisis moments, I broke down and had long conversations with Kelly, Mom and my brother regarding her behavior. Kelly admitted to having an emotional crisis about her behavior as well - not being sure how she was going to handle her when I went back to work and it fell to her to make sure both kids get to school every day.

So, this weekend, I put the smack down. Timeouts become a truly hideous thing for Bailey when I moved them up to her room, in her crib, with the lights out and the door shut. She HATES to be left out of anything and I think it genuinely hurts her feelings when I walk away from her. I stopped giving warnings - it was just "don't do this" and the second she did, she got a timeout. I stopped negotiating - telling her that I was done discussing it and if she continued to ask for X, she would get a timeout. On and on and on. Every major activity, every transition period, every crucial moment was discussed and timeouts given as needed.

It sucked. I felt shitty the entire time. I hated being her drill sergent, keeping her in line or else! I hated shutting that door and hearing her cry and call for me to "come back, Momma". I hated every second of it.

But it worked. Bailey and I have had a major breakthrough. She isn't acting up at all. That is not to say that she doesn't push some limits at times and she is certainly still earning timeouts, but all the major stuff has stopped and the threat of a timeout stops the ridiculous behavior. For instance - getting her into the bath used to be a 15 minute process while she ran away and refused to brush her teeth. That has completely stopped. Getting her into the car from school was a horrible experience - now it is completely pleasent with her holding my hand and walking with me.

I mean, I'm talking a complete 180 from where we were just four days ago. It's amazing. I have no illusions that it will last this well forever, but this is a good start. I have learned a valuable lesson in all of this - Bailey REALLY responds WELL to structure and to knowing what the limits are. I'm glad to be making these mistakes now, and not when she is 14. It's hard, but when we are working together, it's so wonderful.

And now, I can actually enjoy her. I'm not so angry with her all the time. The shouting has completely disappeared from our house. There is just no need. She is compliant within one warning and when she isn't, she knows that she will have a timeout. It's simple. The timeout system takes away much of the stress for me, because I know that there is a very simple, very concrete solution to her incredibly frustrating behavior. It makes anger unecessary and frees me up to just loving her.

It's amazing. It's like having a different child.

As for me, well, I am okay. I could go on and on, but it's late and I'm tired. Connor is in his crib sleeping for the first time in days and will probably wake up in about 45 minutes for his next feeding. I don't want to spend anymore time awake. So, I'll just say that my entire life is my family right now. Carrying Kelly through her breastfeeding experience, carrying Bailey through terrible two's and caring for Connor nearly every moment of every day means that there isn't much left for me. I'm hanging in, but very much looking forward to the trip I have booked in Maine over Memorial Day. I really want to the downtime, with my Momma taking care of me, to rejuvanate.

That's all for now. Night.

Lots Going On

2009-03-25T13:58:00.000-04:00

It's been another crazy few days here in the McFadden house.

Late in the evening on Saturday (around midnight), my good friend, Katie, and her daughter, Samantha arrived from a 12 hour drive from Maine. Katie and I have a long history and she is one of my oldest and dearest friends. I was so happy to see her!!!!

Saturday was a mellow day, with everyone kind of tired from the late night and long drives.

Sunday, we threw a "Sip n See" to welcome Connor into the world. It was lots of fun and we had many of our friends come by and meet Connor. I am always a bit wierded out by entertaining, but I decided to keep this very low key and simple and it didn't turn out to be too much work. We had about 5 children here, around Bailey's age and one Connor's age. The kids were distracting and funny! Of course, we didn't take any pictures, because we never remember. But all told, I think it was successful and I'm glad we did it! And I'm super happy that Katie was here to help, because the last bit of preparation was a bit of a nightmare.

So, Monday dawned early and I was so excited that Bailey was going back to childcare. The weekends are very, very long. On the way to school, she was so excited to see her friends. At one point, she even threw her hands up in the air and said that she was "so excited to see all friends!"

We arrived at school to find that the center director, who had only started 7 months ago had walked out on Friday, leaving nothing but a note for the staff. She had not notified her management and it was an apparent surprise to everyone. The center was in disarray. The teachers were frantic, not sure what to do. Everyone seemed scattered and the entire feel of the place was disorganized and uncomfortable.

In about 30 seconds, Bailey went from super happy to be going to school, to very unhappy and nervous. She started crying and didn't want to stay. She screamed every time I made a move to leave. The teachers, rather than respond as they usually do, just sort of ignored her. Eventually, I was able to calm her down a bit and leave...but she was still crying as I left. I was too. It was an awful morning.

I came home on a mission and told Kelly that our job that day would be to find a new childcare facility for Bailey and Connor and that she would not be staying there through yet another transition. We went to check out Children's Center for Discovery about 2 hours later.

And we fell in love immediately. The center was full of color, of laughter, of happy children. The differences between our current facility and the other was amazing. We were so impressed by everything we saw. We grilled the teachers, we grilled the director, we took a tour of the facility and then asked more questions.

There were two very important things for us.

1) The teacher that will be Connor's teacher is the same woman that took care of Bailey. She had left Childtime about 5 months ago and gone to Children's Center for Discovery. The opening in the infant room was with her. She is truly an amazing care providor and we absolutely adored her when she cared for Bailey. It made us feel like we were coming home when we realized that Connor would be in her care.

2) Bailey's room is better in every way imaginable. There is a curriculum, the kids are her age, there are 3 teachers as opposed to 1, there are real toys, real circle time, and a true schedule. It's not glorified crowd control.

And equally important, although not the deal-maker, is the price. It will be $115 LESS PER WEEK to send out two children there. LESS!!! That is nearly $500 PER MONTH! Insanity!!!!!!

We got the paperwork and then brought Bailey to visit the next day. Putting aside the normal shyness, she absolutely loved her classroom. She participated in circle time and some free play time. She created a weather chart with the other kids. She looked for us constantly, but that is normal. She is going to absolutely love this class. She really is.

We put down our deposit for both kids and now, their spaces are secure.

Bailey will start on Tuesday, April 14 (the Monday is a holiday for the center) and Connor will start on May 20th (when he is 11 weeks old).

So that is what we've been up to. Kelly is still struggling with yeast infections in and on her nipples and Connor still has a bit in his mouth. But they are starting to get better. There is none of the same pain that existed before. A bit after, but not like it was.

Connor's 4 week appointment was this morning. He weighed in at 9 pounds, 3 ounces...which is 1 pound and 1 ounce MORE than two weeks ago. Seems like the breast feeding is working!!! He was 21 1/2 inches long, which is growth of an inch and half since birth. He is a tall, skinny guy - in the 25th percentile for weight, 50th percentile for height.

Everything else is good. He is normal in all ways that we can tell this early. He had one more hep shot, which sucked. He was sound asleep when it happened, and he did cry in his sleep but just briefly. He didn't wake up and he didn't cry for longer than a minute. It will be much, much worse when he has to have more than one. His little, skinny legs are not nearly as conducive to shots as Bailey's thick, chunky one's were!

Mommy, Momma and big sister are all hanging in there. There are pockets of roughness, but for the most part, we are doing okay.

Not The End of Days

2009-03-21T23:15:00.000-04:00

I prepared for Connor like a person with post traumatic stress syndrom prepares for the reemergence of the original trauma. I was ready for a repeat of what I went through with Bailey - not just in the sense of having an intense child, but on a personal level. I was prepared to get myself through the worst possible scenario, and not screw up either of my children or my marriage.

I was prepared to survive.

What I never, ever expected to have happen would be to thrive. I just didn't expect this.

Bringing Connor into our family has felt like the most natural thing in the world to me. That is not to say that coordinating the logistics have not been difficult. Or that we haven't struggled in moments while we figure out a new baby. But all told, this has been easy. For me.

Connor is such a dream baby. He is calm, easy going and sleeps well. He and his Mommy are muddling through the difficult early stages of breastfeeding, but all in all they are doing a great job. There have been very few moments of difficulty for me - emotionally or physically. I just feel like I have the ability to do this and that it has come so much easier this time.

I wonder if it is because I am not the birth mother. If Kelly were writing this, what would she say diffently? I know that she is struggling right now. We are up against very little sleep and that doesn't work for her. Her emotions are a bit out of whack right now, and that is tough for her. And breast feeding is anything but easy and she is struggling with making it work.

I think her story would be very different.

But I am absolutely delighted to report that the end of days has not come to our house. In fact, the sun is shining and the flowers are blooming.

Thank god.

Yeast

2009-03-19T15:40:00.002-04:00

It is yeast on all fronts - Connor's mouth, Connor's bottom and Kelly's nipples. After two doctor appointments and a ridiculous amount of time fighting with Walgreens (how come the insurance company will cover Connor for his well-baby visits up to 30 days after birth, but won't cover his prescriptions?) , we have what we need to make it all go away.

And just in time too, because Kelly is now yelling out loud every time Connor latches...which is frequently, given that he is 3 weeks old. A fix is on the way, however...and hopefully breast feeding will stop being so eventful.

Another day on maternity leave and not much accomplished. I remember thinking when I was home with Bailey that I didn't understand where the time goes, and I still don't. What the hell do I do? And now that there are two of us doing nothing, how come there are still dishes in my sink? Strange.

I did take a 45 minute bath and read and soaked. That was nice. And luxurious! It's wonderful to do things like that for myself...

The rambling nature of this post means that I really don't have much to say, so I'll end it for now!

Better Day

2009-03-18T21:30:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was not the best day for us. I'll just leave it at that.

Kelly asked me to return the camcorder and "give" her a session with a lactation consultant instead. I did what she asked. We called Terri, who helped me when I was trying to figure out how to breastfeed. She asked a few pointed questions, leading us right down the road and describing Kelly's symptoms exactly. She then told us, over the phone and for free, that she was certain both Kelly and Connor have yeast infections. Kelly's got bright red rings on her nipples, extreme pain at the start of every feeding, at the end of every feeding and whenever Connor is not feeding. Connor has white stuff on his lips and tongue and patchy red, raised bumps on his bottom, right in that crevis under his scrotum.

Classic. And relatively easy to fix. According to Terri, if we can get them both on medication tomorrow (and we will), she should start feeling better and having pain-free latching by Sunday or Monday.

The relief on Kelly's face when she realized that the problem could be fixed was a beautiful thing. She was considering giving up breastfeeding yesterday and this morning...even though she and Connor have done such an amazing job so far.

So, one problem down. This should have a soothing effect on Kelly, making her feel less horrible and hopefully giving her some relief.

Things with Bailey are getting better. After our horrendous day last Sunday, I spent Monday kicking myself around and barrating myself as a parent and then I spent an hour talking to the director of her childcare center. After that, Kelly and I spent an hour talking about strategies and new ways to approach her.

And so far, so good. It really is as simple as deciding which of my battles I want to force on her and then figuring out a way to back off when she doesn't want to do something my way. I have a two-pronged approach depending on if the event in question has to happen or not.

If it does have to happen (she needs to get dressed to go to school, for instance), then I ask myself, "does this need to happen right this second, or is there some wiggle room?" I there is even 5 minutes of wiggle room, I lay off immediately and let her do things her way. So, if she want to poke about and play, I let her. I force myself to back off and I keep my tone light and playful. As soon as I get stubborn, she gets more stubborn. I always say, "let me know when you are ready..." and inevitably, she is ready within a few minutes. And she is usually extremely cooperative, because she feels like she has chosen to participate. Sometimes, I have to do this multiple times in a 10-minute period. It's almost as if she is testing me, to see if my calm is a front (it is) and if she can crack it (so far, she hasn't).

If the event doesn't need to happen and it's just something that is annoying me (she plays with her food while she eats, combining and smearing it every where), I suck it up and try to distract her. If she can't be distracted, I just put on my big girl panties and stop trying to make it all about me. And THAT is hard. Perhaps, the hardest thing I've done in the last few days.

But, it is also working and that makes me feel great! Bailey and I haven't had one screaming fit in three days. She hasn't hit me. She hasn't run away from me. She hasn't fought me in any crucial moment. She hasn't gotten mad at me and started doing all the things that annoy me all at once. In turn, I have given her the breathing room that she needs and she is thriving.

Such an easy fix...and so freakin' hard to do. It makes me feel absolutely crazy. I hate feeling like I am spending my life bending to the will of a not-even-2-year-old child...but then I remember that I'm a parent. And unfortunately, throwing my own fit just because I can't do it my way is childish. And that infuriates me, but again, I suck it up.

Feels like I'm doing a lot of sucking it up right now. I have a completely unforgiving newborn, a completely unforgiving toddler and a wife in massive transition. I spend a lot of my time biting my tongue, forgetting my needs and taking care of everyone. I also take a least one hour every day to do exactly what I want to do, and I do it without a bit of guilt. This has saved me during this time.

So anyway.

I just purchased two tickets to Maine - one for me and one for Bailey. We are taking a trip over Memorial Day weekend to spend 4 days in my home state and I absolutely can't wait!!!! It's the best thing that has happened to me since...well...since the birth of Connor! LOL

Hot and Cold

2009-03-17T22:16:00.000-04:00

The Hot:

- Today is Kelly's 34th birthday. We celebrated this morning with homemade waffles and presents.
- Today is St. Patty's day and we celebrated by adding green food coloring to the waffle mix and enjoying green waffles.
- I went to my office for lunch today, and had a truly wonderful time showing Connor off and enjoying the time with the people who I work for and who are my friends.
- Today was day two of not fighting back with Bailey and the second night of not fighting the entire evening (more on that at a later post).
- My boss approved my new schedule of 7:00 AM - 3:30 PM every day upon my return to the office.

The Cold:
- Kelly had baby blues pretty bad, making her incredibly indifferent and non-responsive when she is not crying or feeling bad. This sucks for her mostly and for the rest of us too. Mostly for her. And that makes me feel really bad.
- The disinterest made my $200 camcorder birthday gift fall flat and dull and I'm returning it tomorrow. That is too much money to spend on something she doesn't really want.
- I'm tired and suffering from a bit of PTSD in response to Kelly's baby blues. That kind of mood spirals me back to my experience and it's really hard.

Blah. Fuck it. I'll write more later.

The One You Don't Invite Back

2009-03-16T09:03:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, Kelly and I made the mistake of thinking that it might be acceptable to go out and visit some friends, have some adult time, show off Connor and meet our dear frend's new little baby, all while having the joy of hanging out with our other dear friends M&S and their son.

We thought that would be okay...but alas...Bailey had other plans.

Bailey was the epitome of THAT kid. You know, the one that runs all over the place like a crazy person, who destroys whatever comes in her path, who fights at every opportunity, who ignores what you say and generally creates craziness and insanity where ever she goes. Yea. She was THAT kid.

The one you don't invite back.

It sucked. It was embarrassing. It made us feel like rotten parents and led to an entire late-night conversation about what we were doing wrong and how we can be a better parent to our high spirited, fucking insane child. And you know, anything that causes us to stay awake when Connor is sleeping MUST be important.

This morning, she woke up at 6:30 and by 7:45 when I dropped her off at daycare, there were 14 open acts of defiance, including throwing herself to the rain-soaked ground and screaming and kicking when I tried to put her in the car.

I'm at the end of my rope with her, and trying like hell to hold on. The fact that she is not even two yet makes me die a little inside.

So, M&S and I&A, we're sorry that our terror reeked havoc on your lives for a couple of hours yesterday. And while I fully expect that, in your good friendness, you will tell us that it doesn't matter and that she was fine, we know differently. Thanks for putting up with her insanity and next time, we'll bring the straight jacket. If you invite us back.

The Future

2009-03-13T08:35:00.000-04:00

I find myself contemplating "the future" a lot these days. This is very different than how it was when Bailey was 2 1/2 weeks old.

I have made no secret that Bailey's early days were the hardest days I have ever lived through. They were so hard that I can't go back to them in my mind very often. The guilt that I have associated and the fear and the exhaustion and the confusion make it too difficult. I got beyond it, as a woman and as a mother...but it was hard. That journey was one that I never hope to repeat. And it is the full reason that I chose not to carry another child. Now, Kelly chose to carry Connor for many reasons...but my reason for not doing it was fear of feeling that way again.

Being the "other mother" has been a very, very different experience for me. It started from a place of skepticism. I must admit that I had no idea how to be the other mother. In many ways it was like starting over again - as if I had never had a child before. Connor was foreign to me. It was odd to see this little person that I had been waiting for for so long, but who I had no knowledge of (either actual or intuitive). I knew the "things" to do to care for a child, but not how those things applied to Connor.

It was equally odd for me to see Kelly approach him so naturally. This did not surprise me, but it was odd. For a number of reasons, she has been so much more comfortable with him and his care than she ever was with Bailey. She has said that this is because she had already had a child and was just more comfortable and I would never disagree. But it is more than that, of course. She carried and birthed this child. She is more comfortable with him because he is HERS in a very, very different way than Bailey was. Not in her heart - but in her physical being.

But now, we have found our rhythm. There is a definate change in how I feel about Connor. He has become my child as completely as Bailey has ever been. What I expected to be a long process of learning him and falling in love with him happened very quickly. He knows me in a way that I didn't expect. I am the person who can always get him to sleep. He is completely relaxed with me. The only time that I don't work for him is when he is hungry and that makes sense. His "milk lady" is the only person he wants then.

So, any way, back to the original topic of my post. "The Future". I think of it in those terms. When Bailey was born, we knew that we had another infant to be born. Of course, we didn't know the time line or how it would play out. But we did know that eventually we would have another child and that the process would start all over. That had a bit of an inhibiting quality - we couldn't really think past the "having babies" phase of our life. This time, though, we know that we are not going to have any more children.

We are all done. 2 children is what we always dreamed of having and given that both of us had less than easy pregnancies and birth experiences, we are finished. Kelly will be 34 in a couple of days and by the time we were ready for a 3rd, she would be too old (I say that laughing) to carry. And I won't carry another child. So this is it for us. And THAT makes thinking about the future something different than it was with Bailey.

Suddenly, when I look at Bailey and Connor, I can see them at 4 and 6, super excited about Christmas. I can see us going camping with our kids, roasting marshmallows and going canoeing. I can envision a time when Kelly and I might actually leave them with someone overnight and spend some time alone. I see them on the playground, together, without us chasing after them. I can imagine a world without diapers. I can see them starting school, and I can see beyond all this work.

It's such an amazing thing. It's so different to see beyond this initial phase. It don't feel nearly as overwhelmed by it. I look at Connor's tiny fingers and then see Bailey's in the back of my head. I know that he will grow, that he will change. I believe that he will sleep through the night at some point and that he will need us less and less (or maybe just differently) in just a few short months. I can imagine my relationship with Kelly coming back to a point where we are both happier and more focused on each other.

I guess what I'm suggesting is that there is much less fatality and much more hope this time around. Maybe that is because I'm not post partum. Maybe it's because I have seen that I can survive early babyhood. Maybe it's because Connor is a much, much, much less intense child. Maybe it's all three and a million of other things I can't put my finger on.

Getting On

2009-03-11T09:59:00.002-04:00

We are doing alright. We have hit the beginning of the wall, I think. You know, that point where everyone is exhausted, all the fun has worn off and the real work begins. Yea. That point.

Bailey has pretty much stopped sleeping. I'm not sure how one toddler goes forward with her day without sleeping, but she's managed it now for about 5 days. She's barely eating as well, no matter what of her favorite foods I ply her with. What she is doing is screaming for her bobo every five minutes, asking for chocolate cookies and clinging like a bad hemroid to me.

Connor is moving out of perfect, sleepy, newborn phase and into relatively calm baby phase. He is eating a lot and when he is not eating he is wanting to pacify on his Mommy's breast. She is tired of it, but committed and so we go forward.

Kelly and I are managing about 4-6 hours of sleep a night, depending on the way their waking periods coincide. It's not enough for either of us. Of course, it's not complete sleep - it's broken up every hour or two by a child or medication. So far, we have not gotten ridiculously grumpy with one another. We are hanging in there. We both know the dangers of turning on each other. So we are not.

We are all tired. We are all sick of the transition and seeking a new normal. Of course, that will take some time. We've been here before and we know how long it takes. It's just a matter of holding on until the normal emerges.

But boy, we are tired in the meantime.

Pictures!

2009-03-09T09:59:00.021-04:00

2 Weeks

2009-03-09T07:26:00.000-04:00

Two weeks ago, we were in some pretty significant labor and being told that we would probably deliver vaginally within a couple of hours. LOL

There is a lot going on in my head, none of it appropriate to post. Since I can't ignore the pink elephant in the middle of the room, I'm going to make this one short. I can't share what is really going on, because it's not fair. So, I'll leave it at that.

Bailey is in full-blown transition mode. She is whiny, clingy, demanding and all over extremely difficult to take right now. She wants me 100% of the time and when my attention is diverted for even a few minutes, all hell breaks loose in her world. I'm exhausted by it and so thankful that she is going to daycare this morning. I honestly, have no idea how people do it who stay at home. I would, literally, lose it. In all honesty, I would probably leave. I just could not do it. If I'm ever forced to, I don't know how I am going to get it done. But anyway.

I love our daughter, more than I have words for. But I can't wait to drop her off this morning. I really can't.

Everything else is just peachy. More later when I am over this funk.

Almost Two Weeks

2009-03-07T12:24:00.000-05:00

I realized today that in my desire to get the birth story written, I haven't posted anything about us or our transition to parenting two children. Silly me...or probably more appropriately...very tired me!

First - Connor is just a dream baby. He sleeps 4-5 hour stretches at night, waking to feed and then going right back down for another 3-4 hour stretch. He isn't at all finicky about his environment. He is in our room and will sleep just fine with the light on, the tv on and us talking. Doesn't phase him in the slightest.

He is breast feeding. After being relatively certain that she wouldn't, Kelly decided that she wanted to breastfeed and has had a very successful time of it. In the beginning, we suplemented with formula (for various reasons), but cut the formula completely out when we got home and Kelly's milk came in. Now, Connor feeds at the brest 95% of the time and bottle feeds pumped breast milk the rest of the time. Kelly is a milk goddess - pumping 3-5 ounces every 4 hours or so. Connor is getting plenty to eat! We haven't saved any yet, because we are trying to regulate Kelly's supply down a bit to more match his consumption. I'm not sure how long we will continue to breast feed, and shortly we will begin to freeze some for returning to work. But for now, we are just pumping what we will feed at the next feeding.

Connor is a little guy, which is a bit strange for us. Bailey was born into size 1 diapers and moved into size 2 diapers within a month. Connor is still in newborn diapers and they are just now fitting perfectly. We have relatively few clothes that actually fit him, even though we have a big supply of newborn clothes. They are just big on him. His little legs are like twigs. Bailey's were very juicy - we 3 rolls in her upper thigh and big juicy rolls on her ankles. Connor is completely different. He's just a tiny little thing.

Bailey is doing alright with the big sister thing. She adores Connor...but isn't so happy when my time gets taken away from her. If there has been a transition thing, it's been that she is much more clingy and whiny. She wants her bobo all the time and throws huge fits when I refuse. Kelly is just now integrating back into the family after the beginning of her recovery. She can finally walk and sit comfortably. Her presence is taking some of the heat of me. It's much easier on Bailey when our ratio is 1-1. I spend lots of time holding Connor when Bailey is around and so far, she is doing fine with that. I think it helps that she is still in daycare and that her routine hasn't been completely disrupted.

As for Kelly, she is doing well. It has been a long two weeks for her (on the heels of a long 3rd trimester). She is finally starting to feel "normal". Her staples are out and she is down to taking percocet every 6 hours, with 800 mg motrin alternating. She is, of course, unable to lift Bailey still (and will be unable for a long time), but she is really starting to feel a lot better.

I'm doing well too. I think that I am exhausted, but I don't really feel it. I just kind of feel like the energizer bunny. There are a million things to do and sometimes I force myself to stop doing them and take a nap. I'm so glad that I'm home right now...because I don't know what I would do if I had to work. I am looking forward to going back...but so appreciative of this time.

Speaking of napping...I got about 3 hours of sleep last night between Bailey sleeping poorly, my mom leaving at 2 AM and Connor awake in between all of that. So, I'm off to take a nap! I'll write more later...

The Birth Story Final Chapter

2009-03-04T12:03:00.000-05:00

Pushing began at around 4:45 PM. I held one leg, while Kelly's Mom held the other. The first few pushes, my coaching was assisted by the nurse, but after that I got my groove and I counted for Kelly. Kelly pushed 3 times with a count to 10 each push per contractions. They were coming ever minute or so. The pressure was unbelievable for her. Every time another would come, she would grab her knees, pull back and push. I would pull one leg back, Sherry would pull the other, I would support her neck as she pushed it into her chest and start the count. She would breath once in between pushes and come right back into it.

Meanwhile, Cathy (our fantastic nurse) was opening and stretching Kelly. She was massaging her open, pushing her fingers down and giving Kelly a place to push toward. She would urge Kelly to push harder and when Kelly did, she would tell her so that Kelly would know how hard to be pushing. At one point, she opened up a container of mineral oil and began pouring it inside Kelly. She used this to keep stretching her further and further.

I do not remember many details of this because my entire focus was on Kelly. I glanced down a couple of times to see what the nurse was doing, and I remember lots of blood. I also remember thinking that they were really, really working her. But for the most part, I was focused entirely on Kelly. Breathing with her, watching her face to anticipate her contractions, making sure that she was resting between contractions, lightly touching her to relax her when I could. My voice was her guide and I wasn't so much worried about her vagina or the baby being born from it. I was focused entirely on my wife and the work she was doing.

Time passed strangely through this period. The doctor came in a couple of times and switched places with the nurse. She was feeling for Kelly's progress. After an hour, the intensity picked up. Connor wasn't really coming down as he should be, even though Kelly was pushing perfectly and with the right intensity. Dr. Riley gave us another half hour and the work continued.

When she came back, Kelly had made some very good progress. The capet (the pushed up skin from his skull) was crowning and you could see the hair on his head every time she pushed. When she was done pushing, you could still see it, but it receeded it a bit. Dr. Riley was impressed enough by the progress and encouraged by the fact that Connor was tolerating a long labor well, so she allowed us to continue pushing. We know now that she had already started the process of planning the c-section. But we'll get to that.

After another half hour of pushing, she came back. Connor was inching, very, very slowly down. We had reached the point where it was very unlikely that Connor was going to be born vaginally. There were a number of factors. The first is that Kelly, like her mother and sister, has a very narrow pelvis. Connor was, literally, stuck. The second factor was that Connor had is head slightly tilted, making the head bigger. The third was that Kelly was very, very tired at this point. We all were, but nobody more so than Kelly. She had been in latent labor for a week, active labor for 29 hours and pushing for 2. She had not slept in about 48 hours. She was absolutely exhausted.

The final straw was that Connor's heartrate began to fluxuate in dangerous ways. It didn't take long for Dr. Riley to tell us all of this and for us to agree that a c-section was the way to go. I stepped in and made this call, although Kelly agreed with me. Honestely, she was in too much pain to not agree.

They told her to stop pushing. The problem with not pushing when you have a baby, literally, stuck in your birth canal is that it hurts much, much worse to not push. Pushing relieves the pressure of the baby's head. Asking a woman in Kelly's situation to not push is very, very difficult. Kelly was literally coming up off the table at every contraction, and there was very little that we could do for her. I stood by her side, but she didn't want to be touched. She was out of her mind with pain.

The anestigiolosit was in the room within 5 minutes of making the call for a c-section. Kelly already had the epidural (it was rendered mostly ineffective at this point, but it was still in place) so all he had to do was get the medication ramped up and get her numb for the surgery. He started the injection and everything got very clinical. The nurses began to prepare. Sherry was asked to leave, as she would not be in the operating room with us. I was pushed to the side and told that I would be given instructions when they had Kelly prepared. The medication began to take some effect and they wheeled her away. Our room was right next door to the OR, so within minutes, she was wheeled in and I was left to wait.

I was given scrubs and told to put them on and stand by the door to wait. They needed to prep her and then they would come and get me. I got dressed very quickly and tried not to panick. God, it was so hard to have her wheeled away from me. So fucking hard.

It seemed like it took forever, although, I know that it didn't. They entered the OR at 7:03 PM.

After what felt like an eternity, I saw another doctor getting ready. She introduced herself as the pediatrician who would catch and care for Connor. I was so worried that I could barely acknowledge her. She didn't seem to mind. Finally, they told me it was time to come in.

If you've never been in a c-section room before, you won't understand when I say that it looked like my wife was this tiny speck in the middle of medical gear and people. I walked in and saw her laying there, all hooked up and surrounded by blue, steril paper and doctors and my first thought was that this was the woman who moments ago was blowing my mind as she worked to push our child from her body. Now, both of their lives were in the hands of the medical team. I have never felt so helpless in my life.

I reached her side and the surgery began. I stayed close to her, but we didn't talk much. She said she was a bit nauseated, but didn't say much more.

The tone in the room changed and I looked up just in time to see Connor born at 7:20 PM. He was pulled with his face toward me. I remember thinking that he looked very, very blue. He was very limp and blue. And he didn't cry. I watched and he finally made a very weak cry as they began to suction him. They transferred him to the warmer in the corner as they began to put my wife back together.

Connor barely cried in the OR. The few cries that came from him were very wet and rattly. They were weak. They doctors were working very hard on him. I kept standing up to look and saw that they had oxegyn on him at one point. Finally we couldn't stand it. I called out, asking if he was okay. I got the stock answer that he was fine, but having a bit of trouble breathing. We continued to wait for more information. This part seemed to go on and on and on. Finally, I asked Dr. Riley directly - I said, "Dr. Riley, is everything okay? I mean, is he struggling in the usual way that a c-section baby struggles or are his problems bigger?" She told me that he seemed to be having normal issues and that the problems didn't sound bigger. Of course, what did she know? She was busy putting my wife together, not tending to Connor.

They finally brought him over to us to see. We were able to kiss him for about 30 seconds. I took 2 pictures. They told us that he was going to the nursey. I asked if I could come and they told me no. They also told me that I would need to leave the OR as well. Leaving the OR was standard.

They escorted me back to the recovery room. I took of my scrubs and sat there. I don't remember how long I sat there. I remember looking around this very bright room, being completely alone, and thinking that my entire life was being worked on by two teams of doctors. The room where they should have been tending to Connor had he been born vaginally, stood empty. The remains of hours of labor were still there- the cup with ice chips. My cold cup of coffee. A few tissues. The rest of the room was empty and quiet and I was terrified.

I did what I always do when I'm scared. I tidied. I cleaned. I waited. Eventually, I did everything I could do and I just sat in the chair and stared at the door, waiting for them to bring my wife back to me or for a doctor to come and tell me the status of Connor.

Finally, they brought Kelly in. She was very out of it, as I was after my c-section. She seemed shocked to see me there. She wanted to know why I wasn't with Connor. I told her that they wouldn't let me go to the nursery with him. I didn't know his weight or lenghth. We were just waiting.

We waited for a while before the doctor finally came in and told us what was going on. Connor had a lot of trouble breathing when he was born and they had to get his oxegyn back up. They had him under a hood. They were monitoring his heart rate, his temperture, his blood sugars. They told us that it would be a while before we could see him - they couldn't bring him back to us. She was able to tell us that he was 8 pounds, 1.5 ounces at birth. She had not had a chance to check his length yet. She indicated that I could come to the nursery whenever I wanted to see him. I, of course, went immediately.

Connor was beautiful when I saw him, although it was odd to see him under a hood. He was pink and rosy, though, and didn't look like he was having problems. He was just getting a bit of oxegyn. I was very reassured after seeing him and returned to Kelly to report.

By this time, they were getting ready to move us to the post-partum unit and out of recovery. After the move, we continued to wait. I went back and forth between our room and the nursery to see Connor. He was doing well, but they needed to see some specific signs before they released him to our room.

Finally, at around 1 AM - 6 hours after he was born, they brought him to us and Kelly was able to hold him and get to know him. Connor was fine - his earlier struggles had been completely resolved and there didn't seem to be any lasting issues.

Finally, we had our baby.

The Birth Story Part 3

2009-03-03T06:12:00.000-05:00

We arrived at the hospital around 2:30 in the morning. Kelly was quickly ushered into a room and given her gown. She gladly took off her clothes - they were seriously annoying her every time a contraction would hit - and got on the table. The nurse came back in to do our first check and to get us hooked up to the monitors.

The nurse was pretty rough with Kelly and when she entered her to check her, Kelly tensed up a lot. The nurse wasn't really able to get a good read, but commented that not much had changed since our doctors appointment on Thursday. We were still a loose one centimeter. She hooked us up to the monitors and left.

And so began the long part of labor. It's a hurry up and wait game and the parts where you are just quiet, waiting, are really difficult. Kelly continued to have regular contractions and they continued to get more painful. Kelly's response to pain was to get very quiet and go internal. I knew this would happen and I found myself grateful for the monitors. Rather than having to ask Kelly if she was having a contraction, I was able to watch the "TOCO" number. When it started going up, I knew one was coming. I was even able to figure out at which number she would start to feel the pain. In this way, I was able to support her in silence, with a touch of my hand. A couple of times, she asked me not to touch her. I backed off, of course and let her labor.

At around 3:30 AM, they came in to tell us that the doctor on call had decided to have us checked at 4:00 AM to see if any progress was coming from the contractions or if we should go home. They said she had a "great contraction pattern". Kelly moved to the rocking chair and continued to labor there. The rocking chair was much less painful for her than laying on her back. The contractions seemed to pick up in intensity while she was sitting. The quiet laboring continued.

At 4 AM, they came to check us. Kelly was much more relaxed this time and the nurse was much more gentle. She told us that Kelly was 4 centimeters dilated and that he was very, very low. She was certain the doctor would decide to keep us. Kelly's pain was pretty high, but still tolerable. They offered her pain medication - either through the IV or an epidural, but Kelly turned them down. For now, she would continue to labor without medication.

At 6 AM, she was in lots of pain. They had, of course, admitted her and we were excited about having gone into labor on our own. In between contractions, there was a palpable tension in the air - anticipation, excited and nervousness all in one. We found out around this time that Kelly was Strep B Positive. Strangely, we had forgotten to ask the results of the test at 36 weeks and had just assumed they would tell us if it were positive. They brought in the antibiotic and started it.

At 7 AM, the shift change had occurred and our nurse came on. Cathy was a nurse that we knew well and were very comfortable with. She checked Kelly's cervix and announced that she was 7-8 centimeters dilated! We were so excited!!! We began making jokes about being able to watch Ellen at 2 PM from the extended stay unit. Kelly also asked for an epidural at this point. She did not want to go too much further and risk not being able to have one.

The anestiologist came in quickly and they asked me to leave the room. I waited in the waiting room for what felt like forever. They called me back in when the epidural was in and the waiting began again.

The relief was immediate. Kelly was immoble, but feeling much better. They put in a catheder and we continued to wait.

At around 8:30 AM, our doctor came in to check Kelly and see where we were in the process. She did her internal and decided that the nurse had been very generous by saying 8 centimeters and that Kelly was more like a very tight 7 centimeters. Dr. Riley broke her water. She told us to sit tight and that she would be back to check in a while. That was a bit disappointing, but we took it in stride.

I went out to get a cup of coffee at this point and heard Dr. Riley saying that Kelly was 6-7 centimeters to another doctor. That sucked to hear.

We continued to labor and while there was some pressure, it really wasn't that much. We rested and waited. They came in and gave her fluid. They watched the monitors. And we waited some more.

At 10:30, Kelly was checked again. She was finally 8 centimeters! The nurse had another nurse check Kelly as well, because the doctor had second-guessed her. The second nurse agreed with the 8 centimeter measurement. But this meant that we really hadn't progressed much since 7 AM. The waiting continued.

At 11:30, Kelly's mother arrived. When she walked in, Kelly and I were dosing and trying to get some rest. We had not slept the night before and were gearing up for the real hard part of labor. Things were relatively calm at this point. There wasn't much happening. Just a lot of waiting.

They checked Kelly again right before 1 PM, and while she had not dilated much more, Connor was lower (a zero station) and her cervix was completely thinned on one side. Her contractions had started to slow down, however, so they started a pitocin drip. They wanted to get her contractions back up to every 1-2 minutes and strong so that they continued to do their job.

It sucked to watch labor start ot stall out. We really wanted to do this on our own. But, the pitocin did the job. Kelly's contractions picked back up. We began to see the dip in heartrate with every contraction. This is good because it means that the head is being squeezed with every contraction which is an indicator that he's low and getting ready.

They continued to check Kelly and had her start rotating sides to thin areas of the cervix that were still thicker. He was low and she was dilated to 9 centimeters by around 3:30 PM. At 5 PM, they announced that was ready to go. The doctor came in and checked her and saw some problems with her cervix - there was a lip. She asked Kelly to push and was able to slip the lip backwards. She didn't see any reason not to start pushing.

Kelly's epidural had become mostly ineffective by now. The pressure of having Connor's head so low really caused a great deal of pain. She was back to breathing through every contraction and was exhausted and irritable. Being able to start pushing made us both very, very happy. We were ready for our baby.

(final chapter to come!)

The Birth Story Part 2

2009-03-02T05:41:00.000-05:00

Kelly woke up from her nap on Sunday, February 22 at 2:30 PM, after having fairly regular contractions through the entire nap.

The contractions were strong, causing her to pause in her talking. She could still talk through them, but they were very uncomfortable. She described the pain as an intense burning - similar to a very, very strong period cramp.

They were coming every 10-15 minutes. Occasionally, there would be a longer pause, but that was rare. Every hour or so, we would time three or four of them to see exactly how far apart they were, but they never reached the point that we felt we needed to measure them all. I should also point out that all of these contractions were accompanied by lots and lots of bloody show. Of course, we had been having bloody show all week, so this didn't really excite us. For the most part, we just hung out and tried to ignore what was happening. Both of us were kind of wary and refused to believe that we were actually in labor. We had been so disappointed the entire week and didn't want to have that happen again.

Bailey stuck pretty close to Kelly all day on Sunday. Sunday evening, though, a very different thing happened. Bailey clung to Kelly's side, wanting to be near here constantly. She sat right beside her, snuggled under a blanket and read books. She wanted long hugs and lots of Kelly's attention. This is odd because quite the opposite was happening for the few months before then. Bailey has been kind of stand-offish toward Kelly.

That was the point that all three of us - Mom, Kelly and I - began to wonder if this was real. Kids have an intuitive way of knowing what is happening.

Still, the progression of the contractions did not change, and Kelly and I went to bed. Around 10:00 PM, Kelly kicked me out of bed. She was having the same contractions she had been having all day. Painful, full contractions every 10 minutes. She would have one and then fall asleep waiting for the next one. She was curled up around her pillow, working through each one. I was exhausted and was sleeping hard...and snoring. She couldn't take it - she needed to be able to sleep in between the contractions. So she woke me up and sent me downstairs to sleep on the couch. I wasn't happy, but know enough not to mess with a pregnant woman...and I suspected she was in labor. This was the first time that she had laid down and the contractions had not gone away. But they did not increase in frequency. We were not sure what was happening, but with the contractions every 10-12 minutes apart, we felt sure that we were not in labor enough to need to call or go to the hospital. I took my phone and told her to call me if anything changed and went down to sleep on the couch.

I slept fitfully, listening for the creek on the floor that would indicate that was walking around upstairs. It was hard for me to know that she was in pain upstairs, but I also knew that she needed to be able to rest between the contractions and that my snoring was preventing that. The best way for me to support her through what I suspected was early labor was to let her go through it alone.

At 1:00 AM, Kelly finally called me and I went upstairs. She was having very strong contactions - she was unable to talk through them - and they were lasting about a minute each. They had a distinct starting point, peak and then went away. They were like waves. But they were still only coming every 10 minutes. Her bloody show had changed, though, becoming bright red. We decided to call the birthing center and find out what they thought. I made the call and the nurse on duty indicated that she thought we should come in. She put us through to the doctor on call (not our doctor!!!). He thought it sounded like we should come in as well and at least be checked to see what was going on.

Kelly got up and took a long shower. She needed to feel clean, just in case. I used the time to get our stuff together and I woke my mom up. She took the baby monitor and made me a strong cup of coffee. Kelly was trying to be stoic about the whole thing and kept saying that we would probably be sent home. At this point, I knew better. After being on her feet for 15 minutes, Kelly's contractions started coming rapidly. As in, every 2-3 minutes. And they were strong and painful. They didn't stop and she couldn't talk through them. She really needed to breath through them and focus her concentration. I think she probably knew that this was it, although she wouldn't say that.

We hustled a bit faster once the contractions increased in frequency so quickly. I commented at one point that I wasn't interested in delivering a baby, so we needed to get to the hospital.

It was a surreal trip to the hospital for me. I remember thinking that we were very possibly going in to have our son and that I was about to coach my wife through childbirth. I had lots of thoughts, broken by Kelly's ragged breathing and my own concentration as I brought her safely in to the hospital. It seemed that I was wide awake, but I could feel the exhaustion already. I remember being worried about the exhaustion - we were going into labor very, very tired.

(more to come!)

The Birth Story Part 1

2009-03-01T22:32:00.000-05:00

Many apologies for the lack of posting the last week. I realized that when Bailey was born, I was posting like crazy with pictures and thoughts...this time is different. But I'll talk more about that in throuh the birth story! I'll be breaking this down into a couple of different posts, because it is already 10:30 at night and I have to get to sleep soon!

So...on to our birth journey.

It really started about two weeks ago (a week before Connor's birth) when Kelly began some pretty significant pre-labor. For about a week, Kelly would have regular contractions each night for 2-3 hours. These contractions were real - painful and regular. They came with a steady rhythm. The first night, we were super excited. We got out our stop watch and little notebook and started timing. We got more and more hopeful that maybe something was starting. And then we did the next test to see if it was real labor - we laid down. And it stopped. For a week, every night we would have a long cluster of contractions that stopped as soon as we laid down.

By Thursday, February 19, Kelly and I were just worn out and extremely tired and frustrated. Kelly was in lots of pain all the time. Connor was very low and grinding against her cervix. The only thing that we held on to was the hope that all the false labor was leading to something and that we would get really good news when we went in for our 39 week doctor's appointment. We had rescheduled that for late in the afternoon on the 19th. We arrived at the appointment excited and very nervous that we would be told that not much has happened through the entire long week of false labor.

And we were right. After checking her cervix, our doctor told Kelly that her entire week of false labor had thinned her cervix to 90% (it was 80% the week before), but that we were still a very loose one centimeter dilated. The only news that was really good was that he was very low (a -1 station) and that her bag of waters was "bulging". We went home frustrated after having Kelly's membranes stripped again.

Friday, February 20 came and went with more of the same, except that it felt a bit different. The intensity had picked up. It was my last day at work, and I spent the day feeling strange about being so far away from Kelly. I knew that she would call me if anything changed, but it still seemed like I should be there. Nothing was physically different, but everything felt different. Friday night was more of the same - except that a couple of times through the night, Kelly woke up to some very painful contractions. This had happened on and off already, though, so we took very little comfort from it.

Saturday, February 21 was much the same as the previous days. My mom arrived in the early evening, though, which brought us a level of comfort we had not had before. We were carrying a lot of stress regarding what we were going to do if we went into labor before my Mom was here. Her arrival took away that last remaining stressor. It also made the wait that much more unbearable. We were, literally, watching and waiting for the one contraction that would break the water or change things. It didn't happen.

Sunday, February 22 began in much the same way, except the contractions were much more rhythmic and frequent. They didn't really follow the same pattern, in that they were happening in the morning with a much higher intensity than before. We still didn't put any faith in it, though. By this point, Kelly and I were completely exhausted by the entire process. Not so much physically, but mentally. We felt like it was never going to happen.

I should say here that all of this was occuring at the same time that we had a looming induction date on Monday, February 23. We knew that it would end. We knew we had a date.

But Kelly was really worried about the induction. She did not want to have to take cervidil or pitocin. She did not want to have to wonder if we pushed Connor out too quickly. She really just wanted to go into labor on her own and not have any doubt that this was the time for Connor to be born. So we carried around much of the same stress that we would have if we didn't have an induction date, with a bit of a ticking clock in our ears. We didn't want to have to be induced.

So, back to Sunday. At around noon on Sunday, Kelly took a nap. She was so tired and my Mom was here to help me, so she came upstairs and crashed out. She reports that through her nap, she was woken regularly with contractions, but that she slept pretty good anyway. She slept for 2 1/2 hours and woke up at 2:30 PM.

This is the point that we have decided real labor began...

(more to come!)

Nothing More Beautiful

2009-02-25T20:14:00.002-05:00

I have never seen anything more beautiful than this photo. I love you, Kelly and Connor.

Welcome Connor!

2009-02-25T09:14:00.004-05:00

Connor Patrick McFadden was born on February 23, 2009 at 7:20 PM. He weighed 8 Pounds, 1 Ounce at birth and is 19 inches long. He and his Mommy worked very, very hard in 29 hours of labor, with two hours of intense pushing...but in the end a c-section was needed to bring him into the world. We are all doing well. The birth story to follow...

Last Day of Work - 4 More Days

2009-02-20T07:05:00.002-05:00

We had our doctor's appointment yesterday and all I can say is that Kelly and I walked out of there feeling very discouraged.

She has gone from 70% effacement to 80% effacement. She is still a "loose 1" centimeter dialated. The doctor tried very hard to get a second finger in and in the end said that it was such a "tight 2" that she still was going to record it as a loose 1. Connor has dropped a bit lower - recording at a -1 station. He's been here before, though.

So, all told, our week of every-night contractions really didn't net us much. Our doctor stripped Kelly's membranes again, leaving her in a near constant state of pain that started about two hours after we left the hospital and didn't stop through the night. She's almost constantly crampy, she's sore, she's discouraged and she just wants this to stop.

The only good news was that her bag of waters is "bulging". This doesn't mean much, but it is better than nothing. She really could go at any time - as soon as that water breaks, we're on. But that could just a likely not happen.

So cervidil is a must - we'll be admitted on Monday night. We probably won't sleep much Monday night, which is fantastic preparation for the pitocin that will start at 7 AM on Tuesday morning.

We went to bed last night discouraged, frustrated and very tired. Both of us are sort of lost in our own frustrations. Kelly really wanted me to stay home with her today, but I just can't do it. I need to give my job the respect that they are giving me - in other words, I can't take a day off unless I need to. Especially when it is the last day that I'll be in the office for eight weeks. I know that she was very frustrated when I left this morning, which left me feeling frustrated and guilty.

Our mothers arrive tomorrow. I am so looking forward to having the grandparents around. I'm tired. I'm weary through to my very core, and I need for something to lighten up, just for a few minutes. With the grandmothers around, at least I will be able to decrease my full focus on Bailey a bit and begin to give some attention to the other areas of my life. At least, until Tuesday. I don't know - it just feels like their arrival is bringing a cool, calming breath of fresh air.

So, we continue to wait and every pain that Kelly has, every contraction, every pulling, every "lightning bolt" through her vagina leaves her feeling more anxious and more discouraged.

I can't wait for Monday.

To Work Or Not...5 Days and Counting

2009-02-19T07:03:00.002-05:00

For the first time in months, I slept in our bed last night. I've mentioned that I've been in the guest bedroom for a while, for two reasons. Kelly wakes up constantly and I snore...so when she tries to get back to sleep, it's nearly impossible. The other reason is that Bailey has been restless the last few months, so I keep the monitor and limit the number of times Kelly is woken up to her body, rather than a restless toddler.

But we're pulling closer in a way that can only indicate that labor is near. Kelly needed me last night to be near her, and I needed to be there. She had three or four very powerful contractions through the night, after another evening of false labor that stopped when she layed down. She woke up this morning to more contractions, lots of cramps and sharp, shooting pains. I hung around about a half hour longer than usual, because I'm worried about being so far away. I keep telling myself that I'm only a 45 minute drive home, and that if her water breaks or if she goes into real labor, I can get there quickly.

I'm not reassured, though.

Kelly's anxiety is going up as each new round of contractions get harder. She's having fears of the epidural not working or any one of the reasons why she may not be able to get one. She is counting on the relief. She has never wanted to birth vaginally without pain medication and her worst fear is that she won't have a choice. As her anxiety goes up, my need to protect her does to. There is nothing more difficult right now than knowing that my role is to support, but that I can't take it away. I can't carry her pain, her fear, her frustration. It's very hard.

So here I am at work, my mind completely numb to the job that is before me. I don't care about the prep for my leave. I don't care about anything that I have to do here. What I care about, and my entire focus, is at home having contractions that go nowhere. I know that she wishes I were there with her, but she also knows that I need to be here. There are relatively few provisions made for people who are not pregnant prior to delivery.

We have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. Our regular Friday appointment was rescheduled. That will give us more information about what this past week of contractions has meant. For Kelly's sake, I hope that she has made progress. She has commented many times that she will be devestated if all of this has netted nothing. So we'll see. If Kelly continues to be in this much pain through tonight, I will not work tomorrow. I can't be this far away from her.

Even if I can't do anything to relieve the pain, having me close to her comforts her. Today, I will be wrapping up my job in preparation. Uggg. I wish I were home.

9 Days or 6 Days...

2009-02-18T06:39:00.003-05:00

9 Days by the ticker...6 days (counting today) until we are admitted to the hospital and the induction begins. We're likely 7 days away from his birth.

We're tired and ready and excited. Kelly had another round of 2 1/2 hour contractions that were both painful and regular last night. Again, they stopped. This morning, she woke up crampy and having lots of BH contractions. If this shit is practice, her uterus is going to be the strongest uterus ever. Hell.

I'm back at work today and this is the last place I want to be. To make it worse, I forgot my cell phone at home. What kind of wife forgets her cell phone when her wife could go into labor at any point? Hell.

I'm ready to be done with this and have our baby. We're ready to move on and get to the business of raising two children.

Bailey is hanging in there, but showing the effects of having two very distracted mothers. It's hard to stay focused on her all the time. We are doing our best, and right now, that's just gotta be good enough.

Nothing New

2009-02-17T06:41:00.004-05:00

I wish that I had more news, but I don't. We are still waiting. Kelly has had on and off contractions for days now - some powerful, some just the usual BH. Nothing that has stopped her in her tracks.

We had our usual round of testing yesterday and all is well. We had the final ultrasound before the induction. We may go this week, we may not. One thing is certain...next Monday we check into the hospital and we won't be leaving until we have our son!

I leave you with 37 and 38 week belly shots. We can't see much of a difference, but at this point, that is normal. She's big, though...measuring 40 weeks at her 38 week appointment. Here's to a healthy Connor!

37 Weeks

38 Weeks

12 Days...and Waiting

2009-02-15T20:56:00.000-05:00

Friday's appointment went well. At the time, Kelly was a "loose one" centimeter dilated and 70% effaced. Our doctor stripped Kelly's membranes. We also scheduled our induction date. We will begin the induction process with cervidil on February 23 at 4:00 PM, with Pitocin following the next morning.

Since that time, Kelly has lost her mucus plug (on Saturday morning) and has been experiencing some irregular (and sometimes regular) contractions that are coupled with quite a bit of pain. While we both fully recognize that none of this means that we're in labor yet...it does seem like things are happening.

I am still thinking that we'll go into labor tomorrow. For a few minutes, I thought it would be tonight...but as soon as Kelly laid down, the contractions stopped. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe we'll go all week and need to be induced. We shall see.

For now, we will continue the light walking and occassional breat-pumping. We'll encourage it along as we can and see what happens.

15 Days

2009-02-12T07:08:00.002-05:00

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

We both had an irritated night, which led to stupid argumenents and an eventually storming off by Kelly to our bedroom where she went to sleep. I retired for the night in the guest room. Not a great night.

But, we woke up this morning and both of us seemed determined to leave it in yesterday. Which makes it a good Thursday.

Tonight we read "Week 39" in our baby book. We read the week ahead because that is what will be happening.

Tomorrow is our 38 week check up and the day that we will scheduled our final induction date. We are both anxious to see what, if anything, the contractions have been doing to Kelly's cervix.

I have this feeling that we won't be pregnant on Monday. I've had it since yesterday morning. While I expected it to go away, it has not. Intuition or hope...I'm not sure. We'll see. It'll be nice to have a date.

Connor's "nursery" in our room is super, super cute. We have everything ready. We put his swing downstairs yesterday. Bailey pointedly ignored it. His car seat is ready. We have a couple of things to order and then, we're done. Bring him on!

Bailey knows something is up and is reacting strongly. She is very, very clingly to me and seeks me out if I am out of her sight for more than 10 minutes. She is reverting back a bit - begging for her "bobo" as soon as we walk through the door. Part of that is that she is nursing a low grade cold and not feeling great. But the other part of that is that she is sensing our anxiousness and anticipation. I'm sure she has figured out that big change is coming, even if she doesn't know what that big change is. More than ever, I am thankful that my job is giving me 8 weeks off. Bailey is going to need the attention and with two of us at home, we can divide and conquer in ways that we could not if I had to work.

So we wait.

16 Days

2009-02-11T06:32:00.002-05:00

The countdown continues.

This morning I woke up feeling very anxious about the last remaining preparations. I bombarded Kelly the second she woke up with the things that need to get finished. The list is relatively short and doesn't include anything difficult. Here it is:
1) Wash and put together all the fabric covers (for the carseat, the swing, the bouncy chair)
2) Get batteries for all the things that play music or light up.
3) Get a couple more quilted pack n' play sheets.
4) Get a moby wrap.
5) Prep the guest room for our guests.
6) Install the second car seat base in my car.

See. Not much. And nothing that can't be accomplished in like 20 minutes. But still.

So on the way the work, I got to thinking about everything that I still need to do to prep for an 8 week leave at work. And that is when I realized that the stress I was feeling had everything to do with my work prep and really nothing to do with my home prep. We are ready for Connor to come home...but I'm not ready to leave work. There are all kinds of things still to do and I need to finalize my instruction sheet. Without an assistant, my coworker is going to be taking on a lot. I'm putting my "babies" in the hands of other people...and while I know that they are completely capable of making sure that my work gets done on time, I am still nervous. I take a lot of pride in having my job completed and in doing a damn-near-perfect job. I am really good at what I do. It's one of the areas in my life where I don't have to second guess myself. I've never gotten a review that wasn't perfect or very, very close to perfect. So handing things off is tough for me.

I didn't have this problem when I went on leave last time, because I didn't give a shit. I was 9 months pregnant and wanted to be all done. I was HAPPY that I didn't have to think about it for 3 months. This time around, I'm experiencing some serious stress about it.

But, I'll work through it and when I walk through the doors for the last time, I will refocus all of my energy on Kelly, Connor and Bailey. I know what is important.

But, I think I may need to throw my blackberry away while I'm on leave. I think it might be more stressful to have access to my work email. We'll see.

Speaking of work, my coworkers threw me a baby shower yesterday! It is our only baby shower this time around. Most people are kind of ambivalent about this baby. It's been a bit hard on us...there really hasn't been much recognition. I say this, not to make anyone feel bad, but to underscore how nice it was to have the shower yesterday. We got a ton of really cute little baby clothes and a beautiful basket to put diapers, wipes and other essentials in. It's perfect, because we were looking for something just like that!

On the topic of recognition - please don't think that we are unhappy with our family and friends. We're not. But, the thing is, while this is a second child...it is Kelly's first pregnancy. I know that we are unique...with a new baby following so closely behind the first, we don't need anything. And we're far away from our family and friends (most of them, anyway). But still. Kelly's kind of felt like she's been overlooked - as if it doesn't really matter that we're pregnant. Part of that is hormonal and part of that is that this is often how it is in our life. I put myself out there in a big way - through this blog and just through my normal life. I make people a part of my head, of my heart and what is important to me. Kelly sort of blends into the background in many ways, for most people. She isn't out there or as open as I am. It is easy to overlook her in the tornado that is me and Bailey. I understand that better than anyone.

But, she IS pregnant. And this is her first pregnancy. And it's very important to her, in ways that she can't express. To have it be overlooked has been tough on her.

I didn't mean to go off on that. I really didn't. And again, I don't mean for this to make any people or group of people feel bad. But it is the reality. I also don't need any excuses from people. I know everyone's situation and that is all good. We're not upset or angry or even hurt. It's just a reality, and we get that.

Enough of that.

We're inching closer. Friday will be the day that we set the induction date. Kelly had her first "painful" contraction last night. She's had lots and lots of contractions that feel like menstral cramps, some more uncomfortable than others. But nothing that she would classify as painful. Until last night. Just one. And it was very, very quick. It's the tale of things to come...

17 Days

2009-02-10T09:58:00.001-05:00

Been a few days...but there isn't much new to add. Kelly's got another bios-scan today. We are anxiously awaiting news about the amount of fluid. If it's high, we'll likely be induced in the next couple of days.

We are holding steady...not much going on other than being pregnant and waiting for Connor.

I'll keep you posted.

21 Days

2009-02-06T20:26:00.000-05:00

The Friday appointment went well...everything is right on track. Kelly's cervix is a "tight one" and soft. Connor is still at a -1 station. In other words...it's going to be a while.

Interestingly, her weekly sono showed a slightly elevated amount of amniotic fluid. Our doctor told us that this could be because of any number of things and that it really isn't a big deal. The "acceptable" scale tops out at 20 and Kelly's fluid measured 20.6...so right there. There is nothing for concern, but if the ultrasound finds that her fluid has increased on Tuesday, they will do the induction.

Increased fluid can be from something as simple as the baby just recently urinated, or it can be from something as horrible as Connor not being able to swallow. Of course, since this is the first time this has shown up as a potential "something to watch", it really isn't all that concerning. We'll see what is going on when we have the ultrasound on Tuesday.

Other than that, we continue to wait.

22 Days

2009-02-05T07:54:00.002-05:00

Not much to say today. Not much has changed since yesterday. Still swamped at work, still waiting for Connor to be born, still the same pre-labor signs with nothing else.

Tomorrow is the internal check. That will hopefully give us some new information. If not, we're 2 weeks an a couple days away from induction.

Friday is going to kick my ass. Kelly's appointment in the morning, my annual exam with the same doctor right after, a physical with blood work at noon (I have to get a letter of good health from my family doctor for the adoption file), a standard get-more-meds meeting with my psychiatrist (have I mentioned that I'm on meds?...hmmm...may have forgotten to mention that), and then a trip to Children's Hospital to have the infant car seat installed in the Honda. We tried so hard to do it ourselves (we've done it now many times with Bailey's seat) but couldn't get it right. So off I go.

It'll be a full day...but at least I won't be at work.

I'll blog tomorrow night with news about the internal exam (hers, not mine...LOL!).

Happy Thursday.

23 Days...and No Time

2009-02-04T08:53:00.002-05:00

23 days (18-19 really) and counting. I'm fucking slammed at work and it just keeps piling on. So far, I've not lost my mind, but I reserve the right to lose it any point. I can't wait for leave.

You know it's sad when you are praying for the birth of your child just to get a break from work.

Congrats to our good friends Irina and Anika! They now have a little baby boy, Gregory, born on February 2nd at around 8 PM. All three are doing well and he came in at 7 pounds and 20 inches long!

Connor, now it's your turn little guy!

The non-stress test and ultrasound yesterday were great. The technician told Kelly that Connor was "very, very low"...which is awesome! Kelly has had the pressure pains which she has been told are responses from the cervix doing its thing almost constantly. Anytime she stands up or walks, she has contractions (some with discomfort, some without) and the sharp shooting cervix pains. We really, really hope to get some good news about progress at our Friday check up. Keep your fingers crossed...we are ready for our son to be born!

So, back to the grind. I have looming deadlines and a limited time to get them complete. I hope to leave for my leave with nothing "undone". It's a futile effort, but being the dedicated employee that I am, I'll keep pushing toward that goal.

24 Days...and Pissy Moods

2009-02-03T09:43:00.002-05:00

The countdown says 24 days...but with our promised induction if we go to 39 weeks, we are really only 19 or 20 days (depending on if they induce on 22nd or 23rd). That's not so bad. It still feels like forever, but I think we're hanging in there. Kelly is not sleeping very much these days. We'd like to talk to her body and explain that while she has never birthed a child, she already has one...so there is no need for the biological function of sleepless night before birth to prepare for the sleepless nights after birth.

Poor girl. She's tired. Very, very tired.

Bailey is doing well. Yesterday marked her first day in the 2-year old room full time. She has adjusted beautifully, but is struggling a bit with the set nap time. In the toddler room, they always went to bed right after lunch and then the kids slept as long as they wanted to. In her new room, they wake them up at 2:30 PM. Bailey doesn't like to be woken up, her teacher reports.

She had potty time 3 times yesterday at school. She is now wearing pull ups exclusively, except at bedtime. Since she is still in her crib and she can't open her door yet, the potty at night is still her diaper. She also sat on the potty twice at home last night. So far, she has never actually gone on the potty...but she is very happy to sit there. She is especially happy to be able to have a "paper towel" (her name for toilet paper) and be able to wipe herself. She gets very excited about this.

We have an Elmo Potty Time video that she is in love with. We have given in to the DVD Gods and let her watch some of her videos while we prepare dinner every night. On the flip side, she is eating better and we all eat together as a family...so that is a trade off, right? I digress.

She loves her Elmo Potty Time video and last night she decided that her Elmo needed to sit on the potty. It was very cute. She tells him what to do and then gets frustrated with him when he can't "sit up" on his own. I have to work hard not to laugh at her.

We've got low expectations for now. She is 21 months old. If she is potty trained by the time she is 27 months, we'll be happy. With the "peer pressure" at school, it will happen quickly.

We also got schooled by her new teacher. Apparently Bailey always spills her cup at lunch. They don't use sippy cups at school. We've been, admittedly, lazy regarding the cup. It's just been easier to not let her spill it. But we were scolded by her teacher and now it's time to suck it up and clean it up if it spills. Last night at dinner, she has a cup...and didn't spill.

The other thing that her teacher would like for her to stop using is her pacifier when she's sleeping. While I understand that this is probably the next step, we put our foot down about this. Bailey is going through a zillion changes right now - potty training, new room at daycare, and the biggest of all...and new brother. We are not taking away her bobo, which is a HUGE source of comfort to her, for a while. She only has it when she is falling asleep. I'm just not concerned yet. Maybe in another 6 months, we'll force the issue. But not now.

Yesterday also marked the first day of dance class for Bailey. There is a great instructor who comes into the daycare and does a class for the 2-year old room. Bailey's first day was yesterday. The instructor sent videos of the class and it seems that Bailey had a fantastic time. For $25 a class, she had better! It's so much money to be spending on a kid who isn't even 2 yet...but we decided that she loves dancing and music so much that we would let her. If she has a great time, we'll keep it up. If we can afford it.

One more thing about Bailey - she is a comedian. Last night, I needed to cut Bailey's finger nails. She hates this process and just cried and cried and threw a fit and then cried some more and then finally complied. While she was sitting there complying, she was sobbing and trying to pull her hands away. It took 20 minutes longer than it needed to. I was very patient, though...because she obviously didn't want it done. So when I finally finished, I stood her up and started the process of calming her down. I was sitting on the floor with her while she was crying and being a drama queen. I was quietly asking her what she needed. "Bailey, honey, calm down, use your words and tell me what you need." After about 3 minutes of this, she kind of stopped crying hysterically and then said in her best full-blown whine, "I need cake".

LOL - my response was to laugh and in my head I'm thinking, "Oh honey...don't we all."

So, initially I was going to write about my pissy mood. I've been in one since I woke up. But that story just made me laugh again, so maybe it's not such a bad day after all.